What are the Worst Movies of All Time? - The thread for discussing celluloid syphilis

[Ultraman Orb Dark]

I bet none of you can guess how this so-called family film ends.

 

[pyrinyx]

A few come to mind:

The Spirit: Pales in comparison to Sin City. Was absolutely nothing from beginning to end with a cheap sex-appeal sscene of Eva Mendes' ass.

Ghost Rider: Laughably bad and cringe inducing, also Nicolas Cage sucks.

Terminator 3: When James Cameron advised Arnold to take the role because he'd still get paid a lot to do it, that was more than enough to say how unnecessary this film was to exist.

House of a 1000 Corpses, The Devils Rejects, The Haunted World of El Superbeasto: Rob Zombie is a shitty director, both animated and non-animated film making.

A Good Day to Die Hard: When I saw this movie with a few friends, we all kept pointing out how the 'PC vs Mac' Apple advert guy was in it and making jokes about it. That was all that was running with that movie, otherwise, forgettable.

 

[Captain Syrup]

To talk about You’ve Got Mail, you have to watch The Shop Around the Corner, the 1940 film it remade and hollowed out.

Jimmy Stewart plays Mr. Kralik, a department store clerk who falls in love via anonymous letters with a co-worker he loathes in real life. That woman is Miss Novak, played by Margaret Sullavan. Kralik doesn’t want to train Novak. He wants her to go away. Novak, meanwhile, is 100% sure Kralik is the reason her job sucks. Also: there’s a subplot involving their boss, who’s being cheated on by his wife with his jewelry clerk. The boss is emotionally imploding and spends the whole movie looking for a male heir and Kralik is like, "Yeah okay I guess I’ll be your son if it means not getting fired."

Fast-forward to 1998. Meg Ryan plays Kathleen, whose personality is “used to be in a movie people liked.” Tom Hanks plays Joe Fox, a smug corporate parasite whose job is to destroy Kathleen’s business (and walking his dog to seem relatable). He’s taking out independent bookstores, destroying neighborhoods, probably raising rent in the process, and the movie knows this but then decides, “Eh, it’s fine, he’s Tom Hanks." And while the original Kralik was quoting poetry, Fox is doing low-effort Seinfeld. YOU EVER NOTICE HOW DUANE READE IS EVERYWHERE NOW?

There’s no kindly old boss this time. Fox is the boss. And the story ends with Kathleen wandering through Fox & Sons like she's in 2001: A Space Odyssey, discovering inner peace via hostile corporate takeover that annihilated her livelihood.

 

[Ultraman Orb Dark]

View attachment 7447673

To talk about You’ve Got Mail, you have to watch The Shop Around the Corner, the 1940 film it remade and hollowed out.

Jimmy Stewart plays Mr. Kralik, a department store clerk who falls in love via anonymous letters with a co-worker he loathes in real life. That woman is Miss Novak, played by Margaret Sullavan. Kralik doesn’t want to train Novak. He wants her to go away. Novak, meanwhile, is 100% sure Kralik is the reason her job sucks. Also: there’s a subplot involving their boss, who’s being cheated on by his wife with his jewelry clerk. The boss is emotionally imploding and spends the whole movie looking for a male heir and Kralik is like, "Yeah okay I guess I’ll be your son if it means not getting fired."

View attachment 7447652

Fast-forward to 1998. Meg Ryan plays Kathleen, whose personality is “used to be in a movie people liked.” Tom Hanks plays Joe Fox, a smug corporate parasite whose job is to destroy Kathleen’s business (and walking his dog to seem relatable). He’s taking out independent bookstores, destroying neighborhoods, probably raising rent in the process, and the movie knows this but then decides, “Eh, it’s fine, he’s Tom Hanks." And while the original Kralik was quoting poetry, Fox is doing low-effort Seinfeld. YOU EVER NOTICE HOW DUANE READE IS EVERYWHERE NOW?

There’s no kindly old boss this time. Fox is the boss. And the story ends with Kathleen wandering through Fox & Sons like she's in 2001: A Space Odyssey, discovering inner peace via hostile corporate takeover that annihilated her livelihood.View attachment 7447682

My mom loved that movie (she loved Tom Hanks films in general), so I want to apologize in advance if her ghost haunts you tonight.

 

[Tasty Tatty]

Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood

I had to defend this one because the movie ain't that bad.

Ashley's character is quite normal until she got married to not the guy she would have wanted (who died in war) and she started drinking because she realised her life wasn't what she expected. She was given a medicine that gave her a psychotic episode in which she beat the crap out of her kids (the husband wasn't at home) and had to be locked up for some time until she got better. She's later shown to devote herself to her family out of guilt and she later said she chose to get married, so she shouldn't complain. She really changed.

Sandra Bullock, the daughter, was never told any of this. She just remembered her mother being drunk, beating them, and abandoning them and her friends being enablers of her behavior. Her mother also never explained any of this and told her friends and husband never tell their kids anything because she was ashamed. Sandra grew up believing her mom was just an alcoholic nutjob who hated her kids so much she beat them and then pretended nothing happened.

 

[Captain Syrup]

Here’s a movie I technically haven’t "seen," because I turned it off around the time Bill Murray got defenestrated like a Soviet bureaucrat during a coup. Maybe the second half of the movie suddenly becomes good?

You know what happened: improv comics were told to wing it, the studio made everyone sign NDAs (which is always a good sign). Now, I’ll go against the grain here and say Leslie Jones is the only one who felt like she belonged. I would’ve watched a movie of her as an underpaid transit worker being haunted by subway ghosts. That sounds like a Ghostbusters movie. This didn’t.

Erin, Abby, and Holtzmann never felt like people who’ve shared lunch, let alone a workplace. Erin is too normal, she looks like wants to return something at Kohl's. Abby falls down a lot, because fat. Holtzmann is like a quirky barista, just relentless mugging and genderfluid Riddler energy. Egon wasn't weird on purpose!

The villain looks like he died in an argument on a Doctor Who subreddit and just kept talking.

Oh and the stupid male secretary. But instead of him being dumb, he reads a line that a dumb character might say, but says it like someone who went to USC film school. He's not playing dumb. HE'S NOT EVEN GOOD AT BEING A HIMBO!

This movie was so bad it put everyone in career jail, which isn't saying much, Wiig and McKinnon can only play themselves and McCarthy is a budget Chris Farley. Then came Afterlife, which was trying to coast on Stranger Things, and the whole thing with Ray hating Egon felt like they wrote it in crayon. Egon disappearing because...Luke Skywalker did it? That's what legacy characters do now? Vanish and be sad?

Reviewer score:

 

[NOT Sword Fighter Super]

Just watched 13 Ghosts (remake) and it was fucking stupid.

 

[Town Drunk]

House of a 1000 Corpses, The Devils Rejects, The Haunted World of El Superbeasto: Rob Zombie is a shitty director, both animated and non-animated film making.

I remember my friend and I being so excited when house of a thousand corpses was in production. They had to cut scenes to get an R rating? This is gonna be so good. We love Rob Zombies music.

We left the theare bewildered, and both agreed, "well, that happened"

 

[Tasty Tatty]

View attachment 7450260

Here’s a movie I technically haven’t "seen," because I turned it off around the time Bill Murray got defenestrated like a Soviet bureaucrat during a coup. Maybe the second half of the movie suddenly becomes good?

You know what happened: improv comics were told to wing it, the studio made everyone sign NDAs (which is always a good sign). Now, I’ll go against the grain here and say Leslie Jones is the only one who felt like she belonged. I would’ve watched a movie of her as an underpaid transit worker being haunted by subway ghosts. That sounds like a Ghostbusters movie. This didn’t.

Erin, Abby, and Holtzmann never felt like people who’ve shared lunch, let alone a workplace. Erin is too normal, she looks like wants to return something at Kohl's. Abby falls down a lot, because fat. Holtzmann is like a quirky barista, just relentless mugging and genderfluid Riddler energy. Egon wasn't weird on purpose!

The villain looks like he died in an argument on a Doctor Who subreddit and just kept talking.

Oh and the stupid male secretary. But instead of him being dumb, he reads a line that a dumb character might say, but says it like someone who went to USC film school. He's not playing dumb. HE'S NOT EVEN GOOD AT BEING A HIMBO!

This movie was so bad it put everyone in career jail, which isn't saying much, Wiig and McKinnon can only play themselves and McCarthy is a budget Chris Farley. Then came Afterlife, which was trying to coast on Stranger Things, and the whole thing with Ray hating Egon felt like they wrote it in crayon. Egon disappearing because...Luke Skywalker did it? That's what legacy characters do now? Vanish and be sad?

Reviewer score:

View attachment 7450640

What I hate the most about this picture is that it had potential.

Premise: two friends obsessed with ghosts write a book about the possibility of their existence, but since then fell apart and moved on different paths. One of them, after landing a job at some fancy college, realises the book is republished and fears mockery. She goes to investigate and turns out she and her friend find out ghosts are real, but she's fired anyway because nobody believes them.

They fucked this up because you can tell that they never took the movie seriously. Even when it's a comedy, they didn't care about the story, the legacy, the characters. If they had just tried to make a good movie, they actually had a good story to tell.

 

[VanyaMotorbike]

I think the worst movie I ever saw was Hotel (2001). Directed by Mike Figgis who is best known for directing Leaving Las Vegas. It seems to be overlooked and forgotten in lists like this, which is a little surprising because it had very decent star power and an Oscar-nominee director

But it was terribly pretentious and gimmicky, it failed in every way and I've seen amateur youtube schlock that came off better

 

[Captain Syrup]

People gave The Force Awakens a pass because we’d all been so thoroughly trained not to expect competence, so we did this hostage coping thing where we told ourselves a beat-for-beat remake of A New Hope was a smart move. “They’re just easing us in."

The problem is that the main characters are just different flavors of Luke Skywalker. Rey is slave Luke. Poe is pilot Luke. Finn is stormtrooper Luke. I couldn’t tell you a single thing about their personalities that isn’t implied by their costumes or salvaged by the actors’ charisma. Poe comes off the best: Oscar Isaac does what he can with a character written on a napkin.

Starkiller Base makes no spatial sense. “Well actually this is both the Death Star and Hoth".☝ Kylo gets to run the First Order and kill Han? Vader had to take orders from Tarkin. Kylo apparently reports to no one except his own mood swings. Except the movie also wants us to believe he’s still a redemption arc candidate? Like, bro, no. He's cooked.

---

Rian Johnson didn’t want to make a Star Wars movie, so he made a movie about how annoying it is to be handed the keys to Star Wars. This is also the point where the main cast completely collapses. Luke and Kylo take turns giving overwrought speeches at Rey, who reacts like she forgot her lines. Finn exists to be friendzoned, and Poe gets yelled at by Laura Dern for...reasons. The only way her plan makes sense is if she’s doing Columbo-style theater. Like, "Oh, I'm just a vape store owner, don't mind me."

Old Luke is a mess, "Would-be child murderer” and “library arsonist” were not part of the original trilogy. He has a few good scenes on the Salt Planet, but that doesn’t make up for turning him into a burnout with a death wish. You've got Benicio del Toro showing up like a Lyft driver, muttering a half-baked moral about how the Rebellion and the Empire are two sides of the same coin, as if that’s a question in a franchise where we watched the Empire vaporize two planets.

Only Kylo and Hux make it out unscathed. But don’t worry, RoS will fix that.

---

Silver lining: It embarrassed J.J. Abrams so much he stopped talking in public, so we all win. The promotional tour is the most entertainment this series has provided since 2005.

I can’t even be mad at the cast. There was a fan theory that Rey was a reincarnation of Anakin, which would've made more sense; would’ve set up a contrast with Kylo who is desperate to be Vader's heir. Instead we get clone nonsense, pissing off the old fans (who are dying off anyway and don’t need this much hand-holding) and at the same completely losing the new ones.

Ian McDiarmid shows up like an emergency franchise defibrillator. Unfortunately, like Keaton in The Flash and Tennant and now Billie Piper (Jesus Christ what is this?!) in Doctor Who, he’s not here to save anything. The franchise is brain dead, they’re just yanking out the tubes for content. They couldn't even decide on his look, sometimes he’s a rotting corpse, sometimes he’s just... old? The Sith Planet finale is so poorly lit you could tell me it's a Blade scene and I would believe you.

Force Ghost Luke just confirmed they never had a plan... not that sticking with Rian Johnson would’ve helped much. A logical follow-up to TLJ would have split the fanbase and tanked the brand. So I guess the winning move was not making a sequel trilogy at all.

So we end up with three movies that pleased nobody, accomplished nothing, built on nostalgia and groupthink.

 

[NOT Sword Fighter Super]

So we end up with three movies that pleased nobody, accomplished nothing, built on nostalgia and groupthink.

I'm glad I didn't have the nostalgia factor. Haven't seen a single Disney SW movie.

 

[BrunoMattei]

I'm glad I didn't have the nostalgia factor. Haven't seen a single Disney SW movie.

What's weird for me, ultra nihilistic dude that I am, that the nostalgia faggotry did get me once when I saw Ghostbusters Afterlife. A mid film that I have no interest in rewatching. But just seeing the guys again in the suits for 5 minutes hit that tiny bit of feels remaining.

 

[NOT Sword Fighter Super]

What's weird for me, ultra nihilistic dude that I am, that the nostalgia faggotry did get me once when I saw Ghostbusters Afterlife. A mid film that I have no interest in rewatching. But just seeing the guys again in the suits for 5 minutes and hit that tiny bit of feels remaining.

I forced myself through 2016 Ghostbusters and then decided that 1 good movie and 1 okay movie were enough for me and I don't need/care about anything new.

 

[Tasty Tatty]

Rian Johnson didn’t want to make a Star Wars movie, so he made a movie about how annoying it is to be handed the keys to Star Wars.

This is, unfortunately, common among so many new media. That's why it's often so bad.

Say, Lucas wanted to make Star Wars. Star Wars becomes super popular because he's autistically involved. TPTB want more money out of it, but Lucas ain't making more. They hire someone who wants to do anything else or their own ideas. This someone writes their own story and just changes the names for SW names, then adds some SWish situations. Profit. Except, no profit really.

Current example I can think about, Gail Simone saying openly she wanted to write a southern novel. Women and gays are so happy. Read current run of xmen: It's not xmen, it's a southern novel.

 

[BrunoMattei]

I forced myself through 2016 Ghostbusters and then decided that 1 good movie and 1 okay movie were enough for me and I don't need/care about anything new.

In my defense, I was bored and felt like killing time at the movie theater.

 

[Neodanthril]

2001 a space odyssey.

 

[BrunoMattei]

2001 a space odyssey.

Go back to watching Star Wars, child.

 

[Neodanthril]

Go back to watching Star Wars, child.

Just because a movie is boring and tedious on purpose doesn't make it good

 

[NOT Sword Fighter Super]

Just because a movie is boring and tedious on purpose doesn't make it good

It had something to say, though.

Plus the special effects are crazy. I still think about that scene where that lady 180s to walking on the ceiling.