[INT. LIGHTLY FILTHY VCR REPAIR SHOP – NIGHT]
MIKE: So, Jay, we watched The Batman. Or should I say The Bat-man, because this is the most serious, noir-soaked Batman movie since, well… ever?
JAY: Yeah, if you were hoping for fun superhero action, forget it. This is Batman as a slow-burn detective story. It's like Se7en had a goth baby with Zodiac and it was raised by The Crow.
MIKE: And that baby became a brooding weirdo who journals his feelings in cursive.
[CLIP: ROBERT PATTINSON’S BATMAN – “I’m vengeance.”]
JAY: I actually really liked that. Robert Pattinson plays Batman as this anti-social, greasy-haired emo shut-in. He spends the whole movie either punching people or avoiding eye contact. I respect the commitment.
MIKE: It's the first Batman who actually seems like he *sleeps upside down*. And he’s doing actual detective work! He’s in the crime scenes, figuring stuff out, talking to Gordon like they’re in an episode of True Detective.
[CLIP: JEFFREY WRIGHT’S GORDON – “What do you think this means?”]
JAY: Jeffrey Wright is great as Gordon. He’s doing that gravelly whisper, but unlike Christian Bale, he doesn’t sound like he swallowed a blender.
MIKE: You mean this isn’t a Batman Begins prequel?
JAY: No, but the movie really wants to be grounded. Everything’s wet, dark, and miserable. Gotham looks like if someone dumped New York into a bucket of sewage and then filmed it with a fog machine on full blast.
MIKE: Oh, yeah. Every scene looks like it was shot through a jar of cigarette water. It’s mood, Jay.
[CLIP: PAUL DANO’S RIDDLER – “This is not just a call… it’s a warning.”]
JAY: Let’s talk villains. Paul Dano as the Riddler is… basically a Zodiac killer Reddit mod.
MIKE: He’s terrifying. I mean, sure, he looks like he runs a My Chemical Romance fan page, but he’s actually dangerous. He’s not leaving riddles like, “What has four legs and can’t walk?” He’s livestreaming murders and doxxing corrupt officials.
JAY: Finally, a Batman villain who understands SEO.
[CLIP: COLIN FARRELL’S PENGUIN – “What are you, blind?!”]
MIKE: And then there’s Colin Farrell as the Penguin, who is unrecognizable under a mountain of prosthetics. He’s basically doing a low-rent De Niro impression and honestly? I loved every second.
JAY: He’s hilarious. He adds a bit of levity without turning it into a Marvel movie.
MIKE: Speaking of which — no quips. No wink-wink. This movie plays it completely straight. And I kinda admire that?
JAY: Yeah, Matt Reeves committed to the tone. It’s three hours long and takes itself very seriously… maybe *too* seriously sometimes.
MIKE: The third act kind of drags. There’s a point where you think the movie’s over, and then suddenly Gotham floods and it becomes The Day After Tomorrow.
JAY: It does feel like two movies stitched together. But overall, I liked it. It’s a stylish, moody, well-acted take on Batman that feels fresh even after we’ve had, like, fifteen Batmen in the last two decades.
MIKE: Yeah, it's definitely better than Batman v Superman: Dawn of Gritty Garbage.
JAY: And unlike Zack Snyder’s Batman, Pattinson’s Batman doesn’t murder people with a tank.
MIKE: Baby steps!
[CLIP: BATMOBILE CHASE – ENGINE REVVING, PENGUIN FLIPPING]
JAY: And can we talk about that Batmobile chase? The sound design on that engine could make a grown man cry.
MIKE: It was like a demon straight out of Mad Max. And when it finally starts up, it’s like Godzilla burped fire.
JAY: The Batman isn’t for everyone. It’s slow, grim, and has a very specific tone. But if you're into noir, serial killer thrillers, and Robert Pattinson in eyeliner, this is the Batman for you.
MIKE: Yeah. He may be emo, but at least he’s not Ben Affleck killing twenty people per scene while sipping a Starbucks.
JAY: Final verdict?
MIKE: I liked it. It's not my favorite Batman movie, but it's one of the most interesting ones. And it actually tried something different.
JAY: Same. It’s not fun, but it’s *good*. Maybe give it a second watch if you felt exhausted the first time.
MIKE: Or just wait for the sequel: The Batman II: Even More Sad.
[FADE TO BLACK, CUE HALF IN THE BAG OUTRO MUSIC]