-> Longer text with a lot of venting on my part.
-> Meta experiences wanted.
-> Jealous of my partner’s penis.
Hello everyone,
I’m 20 years old, have been on testosterone for 6 years, and had my top surgery 5 years ago.
I live mostly stealth, and being trans is no longer an outward topic for me. Since starting university and at my workplace, no one knows about my past.
From time to time, I unfortunately experience waves of dysphoria, which is probably normal.
I’ve been in a very happy relationship with a cis man for almost 4 years. I’m the first trans man he’s ever been with, let alone in a relationship with. Everything is going great, and our sex life is very fulfilling for both of us.
Unfortunately,
every few months, I get incredibly jealous and sometimes inwardly angry at him, or rather at the fact that he has a penis and can enjoy all the cis privileges that I don’t have. To be specific, my dysphoria mainly revolves around peeing while sitting. I’m so incredibly jealous that he can pee standing up and I can’t. It also bothers me that, as the active partner, I always need aids and am never immediately ready. I also wish that an erection would be immediately visible on me. Every time I buy pants, I struggle and think that they look way too flat in the crotch area. My partner always reassures me and says I’m overthinking it.
We’re currently on a group trip in Japan. There are plenty of public restrooms here, but in temple areas, for example, there are often few stalls or even squat toilets. My partner, of course, uses the urinals without issue, as do the other men in our travel group. I always have to head to the stalls, which isn’t a problem at large rest stops, but it is at many other places. Once, during a short stop, there were at least 10 urinals but only one stall, which was constantly occupied.
Since we had to move on, I didn’t even get to use the restroom. We also love going to concerts or bars together. I’m always terrified about whether there will be stalls available. Often, the few stalls are absolutely disgusting, and it’s just a hassle. At festivals,
he just uses a urinal or an open area, while I have to squeeze into the dirtiest stalls. He’ll complain about how gross everything is, but when I explain how much worse it is for me, he struggles to fully understand. Sometimes, he even seems annoyed when I take forever because of the wait. Restrooms are always associated with negative experiences for me.
At home, my partner only pees sitting down, as do I, and it doesn’t really bother me there. He always says that peeing standing up is overrated, but when we’re camping, hiking, or out in public, he only uses urinals because sitting in those places feels too gross for him. That makes me both angry and jealous.
I can’t force him to experience what it’s like for me, but I wish cis men could feel how hard this is. Once, we both urgently needed to go while on the highway. The rest stop was closed, so we went to the next parking area. The urinal was immediately available, and he used it. By the time he came back relieved, I was still waiting for the dirty stall. It would be great if he could experience that for once…
I love my partner so much, but during this trip, I’m really noticing how much this situation weighs on me. I don’t like STP packers at all and am always worried about making a mess, etc.
I’m currently warming up to the idea of a meta and have read a lot of positive reports about peeing standing up with it.
I don’t want a vaginectomy because I enjoy having sex in that way. The complexity of the surgeries intimidates me, and I’m pretty satisfied with my somewhat well-developed “penis.”
Sexually, I’m almost completely fulfilled, but this stupid peeing issue is driving me crazy.
I’d love to hear about your experiences with meta, some encouraging words, or anything else.
Her
