#FoodieBeauty’s “Syrian Dinner Beeze” Recap: Two Hours of Delusion, Fried Chicken, & Feet
Gather round friends of cringe, because Chantal has once again graced us with a two-hour beezing bonanza live from Syria, & let me tell you, if secondhand embarrassment burned calories, we’d all be skinny legends by now—just like she claims she is.
She kicks it off by diving mouth-first into an Olympic event called “Carbs ‘n Sauce.” On the menu:
•Fried chicken
•A fry sandwich (yes, fries in a sandwich, we’re past the point of return)
•Mountains of pita bread
•A gallon of garlic sauce•And a full-sugar Pepsi because “she’s allowed some sugar” while devouring 3,000 calories in 15 min. flat.
She’s out of breath while chewing, but don’t worry—she tells us she’s skinny now and proves it by showing off her heavily filtered body & a shirt that may or may not have stretched itself into submission. It’s giving “tight top, loose grip on reality.
”Post-dinner, she plops on the couch and Salah—who definitely left his keyboard in Kuwait, right? RIGHT??—starts playing Crazy Frog.Somewhere,Geneva Convention officials felt a disturbance. Truly,international war crimes start with someone hauling a keyboard across borders just to annoy us.
Next,we take a scenic detour into podiatric horror.Chantal confirms her feet have been swelling.But don’t worry! It’s just the right one,which apparently means the left one looking like a waterlogged sausage isn’t a problem.She flashes her foot again on camera (bless us all),and yes,the toes still look like Costco hot dogs left in the sun. Kiwi Farms, you’ve got content for weeks.
She’s still seething about the fridge.Turns out,Salah plugged it into the solar battery, which drained it—because he was trying to make her happy.Naturally, this enraged her. So now, because he “exposed” her for complaining,she’s going to “expose him.” What is this,The Real Housewives of Damascus?
The Wi-Fi is so bad the livestream looks like it was broadcast via potato.The sound is cutting out,the video is pixelated,and at one point she blacks the screen and mutes herself to go get her meds.She returns moments later, not with a better attitude, but with makeup to “fix” her uneven eyes, which apparently is a known issue in the Chantal Cinematic Universe.
She claims she might get off and restart the stream due to the terrible internet.
Spoiler: she does not.Because she has nothing else to do.
She calls Julia the cat “dumb” because the cat—like all living creatures with instincts—won’t go near her. Julia’s ignoring her “Juice, Juice, Juice!” calls like a teenager ignoring their mom in public. Even Salah says he loves them both equally, which is the most emotion he’s shown all stream.
After the fried feast, Chantal announces she’s “full. ”One minute later: “I want ice cream. ”Because skinny queens need dessert after inhaling three entrees and a Pepsi loaded with sugar. The chat pleads with her not to—you have diabetes! But Chantal copes hard, claiming she’s “getting fit,” “hardly ate,” and that ice cream is totally fine if you say you’re skinny. It’s the reverse Weight Watchers method: Eat what you want, lie to yourself, apply filter, repeat.
Someone asks when Salah’s house will be done. She says “three weeks,” but sounds about as enthusiastic as someone describing a colonoscopy. The tone screams “it has no floors and a bucket for a toilet.” The excitement is non-existent. We’re guessing she’s already regretting that visa extension.
She reveals they have to conserve water, since their tank on the roof gets filled weekly for about $7.Conservation apparently doesn’t apply to garlic sauce, Pepsi, or lies.
Breaking news:
Salah is still “working” in Kuwait (sure, Jan),but also starting a real estate business in Syria with a friend. You know who’s probably funding it? Hint:she’s covered in garlic sauce and delusion.
She finally logs off because even the internet itself gave up. Syria’s infrastructure said, “We’ve had enough.”
