Lolcows in Fiction (Books, TV, Movies, etc.)

[Asa_Spades60]

Panda from the Cartoon Network show We Bare Bears. He's a loveshy who is glued to a smartphone dating app, but never completes his love quest. In one episode he builds his own woman out of tote bags and has a dinner date with it. He's also a weaboo who obsesses over anime and has a waifu body pillow.

No wonder Tumblr loves that show. Not as much as Steven Universe, but it is picking up a following.

 

[Darwin Watterson]

No wonder Tumblr loves that show. Not as much as Steven Universe, but it is picking up a following.

I've seen a few episodes of it, and it's okay. Not the worst thing CN has ever put out, but nothing I'd go out of my way to see either

 

[Male Idiot]

Stephie from Assigned Male.

Also, most of the characters from Married...With Children could be considered lolcows to varying degrees. Al Bundy is a huge loser with no social skills. Peg is a selfish shrew who leeches off of Al. Bud's a loser like Al, and a recurring joke in the show is the fact that he uses sex dolls because of his inability to get a date. Kelly is a full-on exceptional individual who is illiterate despite being an adult woman, thinks cartoons are real, and sleeps with dozens of men because of her daddy issues. Jefferson, one of the neighbors, is basically a male version of Peg, and his wife Marcy is a proto-tumblrina who mostly supports causes either to feel morally superior, or to annoy/spite Al, rather than because it's something she believes in.

You sir are an amazing wellspring of pop culture media, I salute you.

Marcy would be so at home with today's SJW culture.

I'm not sure she would fit well with them. To me she seems more like a hardcore narcissist who sneers at anyone who isn't a white collar worker with a 5 digit salary.

Non SJW compatible traits:
-She is Republican.
-She absolutely hates when people does not work or get gibsmuh. Social security tumblerinas would be roasted hard.
-She really just cares about the money in the end.
-She hates the poor.
-She really does not like her "dudebro" lesbian sister (I think who is actually the actress's self insert for comedic purposes and who befriends Al).

She does however have a lot of sjw-esque lolcow traits:
-Psychotic. She would torture to death someone who stole her Barbie and has extreme revenge fantasies over kids who did not like her at school. This character is a well respected banker in her forties.
-Feminist to the extreme with heaps of misandry.
-Gets triggered by all types of innocent things that induce childhood PTSD from her abusive family.

Now for my own submissions. Darwin Watterson already did most of the work, but here are a few cows:

Biggest carrier cow of them all:

Introduction: An immortal super psychic who is implied to have been enhanced tobecome a superweapon during the first and most advanced human empire of the setting, which had almost literal super technology that would make most other franchises supervillains seem harmless in comparison. So what's the catch here? A living god and technological genious, this dude should be the most qualified candidate to lead a species, right? Well, no.

Problem 1: Extreme strawman tumblr atheist with psychic powers who literally met gods but can't accept the fact. His rabid atheism in the face of scientific proof about evil gods is the single most damning factor about him and the greatest source of his failiure. He also ignores valid in universe proof that faith based powers can protect from these evil gods.
Why do tell everybody about the evil daemons who like to corrupt people? No need to warn your sons, barely less potent physically than yourself, that these gods want to molest them. What could go wrong?

Problem 2: He is extremely narcissistic, psychopathic and an autistic complete lack of any form of empathy or even basic understanding of how human beings, or any type of beings, behave.
This leads to him being literally the worst father ever, and having absolutely zero charisma (no, magically making people bow does not count) . He is a completely unlikable, emotionless dictator without the smallest shred of humanity or even personality beside a total lust for power.
Your average Sith Lord knows much more about love, romance, and how sand is coarse.
The Emperor is a callous dictator with a total disregard for human life or war assets, no matter how expensive, outdoing most real life or fictional dictators with just how impractically uncaring he is about his followers. He cares as much about his elite space marines as Sauron cares about a crippled goblin.
He also has no idea why people don't like it when he orders them around without explanation. This makes him a terrible judge of character who can not understand human motivation. He also never compromises and expects total, unfailing obedience from everybody, even those with zero reason to do so.

Point 3: He basically also wanted to tear out the souls from human beings and make the entire species soulless while they would be using the Webway to have FTL travel. The in universe problems with this:

- The Webway is made out of magic. Soulless things break magic. Do you really want armies of them moving around in magical wormholes?
-Pariahs, the soulless, tend to be emotionless psychopaths. Turning everybody into a psychopath may let the Emprah guess what other psychos think, but otherwise its not a good deal for society.

He even went after this project while his empire literally burned down with a demon infestation around him. Perhaps he thought the webway would lead to infinite legos. However you want to make your galactic empire, this is the guy to check for "Do-Not"-s.

He only realises his folly during the battle of Horus, so he most likely managed to understand what he did wrong on his millenia long toilet brake.

Interesting thing, that his councilor and court wizard, Malcador, was, while just as callous about human life, at least capable of facing the realities of the setting and having a working theory of the human mind. This is the dude who kept the empire spinning and helped along the Emperor's own deification process. One could even think that he was in fact the shadow ruler who made the big decisions and made the empire work, or at least tried to curb his lord's autism.

https://sneed-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/0e/bc/b7/0ebcb7eba6583371f8ed2b5cc9347b2d.jpg

Another contestant of the fictional world that I am surprised not to see here is Azula from Avatar.

She is basically your run of the mill psychopath who also got hit with serious mental issues beside her being a total sociopath.
Add the usual mix of narcissism, superiority complex and sadism with a bucket full of mommy and daddy issues, and Shadilay! You got your magical crazy princess!

A really outstanding trait is her sheer vindictiveness. Even the aforementioned Emperor was not that petty when it came to punishing people. Instead of casual indifference, Azula always goes all the way out to punish anybody who displeases her in a style that would make Erdrogan either magnificantly proud, deeply envious, or go on a love quest for her.
-She threatens to kill soldiers who simply point out natural dangers to her.
-She punishes every servant for the smallest of mistakes, like not taking a seed out of a cherry, with exile for life.
-She hated her own mother, who was quite afraid of her.
-Even her two childhood friends were not safe from her wrath.

While not funny either, I think she would rank as a horrorcow quite easily.

 

[Darwin Watterson]

You sir are an amazing wellspring of pop culture media, I salute you.

Why thank you, good sir. Helps when you've had a lot of free time throughout your life.

 

[Girlfriend-free Boy]

You sir are an amazing wellspring of pop culture media, I salute you.



I'm not sure she would fit well with them. To me she seems more like a hardcore narcissist who sneers at anyone who isn't a white collar worker with a 5 digit salary.

Non SJW compatible traits:
-She is Republican.
-She absolutely hates when people does not work or get gibsmuh. Social security tumblerinas would be roasted hard.
-She really just cares about the money in the end.
-She hates the poor.
-She really does not like her "dudebro" lesbian sister (I think who is actually the actress's self insert for comedic purposes and who befriends Al).

She does however have a lot of sjw-esque lolcow traits:
-Psychotic. She would torture to death someone who stole her Barbie and has extreme revenge fantasies over kids who did not like her at school. This character is a well respected banker in her forties.
-Feminist to the extreme with heaps of misandry.
-Gets triggered by all types of innocent things that induce childhood PTSD from her abusive family.

Now for my own submissions. Darwin Watterson already did most of the work, but here are a few cows:

Biggest carrier cow of them all:

Introduction: An immortal super psychic who is implied to have been enhanced tobecome a superweapon during the first and most advanced human empire of the setting, which had almost literal super technology that would make most other franchises supervillains seem harmless in comparison. So what's the catch here? A living god and technological genious, this dude should be the most qualified candidate to lead a species, right? Well, no.

Problem 1: Extreme strawman tumblr atheist with psychic powers who literally met gods but can't accept the fact. His rabid atheism in the face of scientific proof about evil gods is the single most damning factor about him and the greatest source of his failiure. He also ignores valid in universe proof that faith based powers can protect from these evil gods.
Why do tell everybody about the evil daemons who like to corrupt people? No need to warn your sons, barely less potent physically than yourself, that these gods want to molest them. What could go wrong?

Problem 2: He is extremely narcissistic, psychopathic and an autistic complete lack of any form of empathy or even basic understanding of how human beings, or any type of beings, behave.
This leads to him being literally the worst father ever, and having absolutely zero charisma (no, magically making people bow does not count) . He is a completely unlikable, emotionless dictator without the smallest shred of humanity or even personality beside a total lust for power.
Your average Sith Lord knows much more about love, romance, and how sand is coarse.
The Emperor is a callous dictator with a total disregard for human life or war assets, no matter how expensive, outdoing most real life or fictional dictators with just how impractically uncaring he is about his followers. He cares as much about his elite space marines as Sauron cares about a crippled goblin.
He also has no idea why people don't like it when he orders them around without explanation. This makes him a terrible judge of character who can not understand human motivation. He also never compromises and expects total, unfailing obedience from everybody, even those with zero reason to do so.

Point 3: He basically also wanted to tear out the souls from human beings and make the entire species soulless while they would be using the Webway to have FTL travel. The in universe problems with this:

- The Webway is made out of magic. Soulless things break magic. Do you really want armies of them moving around in magical wormholes?
-Pariahs, the soulless, tend to be emotionless psychopaths. Turning everybody into a psychopath may let the Emprah guess what other psychos think, but otherwise its not a good deal for society.

He even went after this project while his empire literally burned down with a demon infestation around him. Perhaps he thought the webway would lead to infinite legos. However you want to make your galactic empire, this is the guy to check for "Do-Not"-s.

He only realises his folly during the battle of Horus, so he most likely managed to understand what he did wrong on his millenia long toilet brake.

Interesting thing, that his councilor and court wizard, Malcador, was, while just as callous about human life, at least capable of facing the realities of the setting and having a working theory of the human mind. This is the dude who kept the empire spinning and helped along the Emperor's own deification process. One could even think that he was in fact the shadow ruler who made the big decisions and made the empire work, or at least tried to curb his lord's autism.

https://sneed-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/0e/bc/b7/0ebcb7eba6583371f8ed2b5cc9347b2d.jpg

Another contestant of the fictional world that I am surprised not to see here is Azula from Avatar.

She is basically your run of the mill psychopath who also got hit with serious mental issues beside her being a total sociopath.
Add the usual mix of narcissism, superiority complex and sadism with a bucket full of mommy and daddy issues, and Shadilay! You got your magical crazy princess!

A really outstanding trait is her sheer vindictiveness. Even the aforementioned Emperor was not that petty when it came to punishing people. Instead of casual indifference, Azula always goes all the way out to punish anybody who displeases her in a style that would make Erdrogan either magnificantly proud, deeply envious, or go on a love quest for her.
-She threatens to kill soldiers who simply point out natural dangers to her.
-She punishes every servant for the smallest of mistakes, like not taking a seed out of a cherry, with exile for life.
-She hated her own mother, who was quite afraid of her.
-Even her two childhood friends were not safe from her wrath.

While not funny either, I think she would rank as a horrorcow quite easily.

They're both assholes, but one was a galactic conquerer, scientific genius and a physical god, while the other is a master martial artist and princess. Not exactly lolcows.

 

[HG 400]

The Underground Man is the original lolcow.

 

[Asa_Spades60]

Also, most of the characters from Married...With Children could be considered lolcows to varying degrees. Al Bundy is a huge loser with no social skills. Peg is a selfish shrew who leeches off of Al. Bud's a loser like Al, and a recurring joke in the show is the fact that he uses sex dolls because of his inability to get a date. Kelly is a full-on exceptional individual who is illiterate despite being an adult woman, thinks cartoons are real, and sleeps with dozens of men because of her daddy issues. Jefferson, one of the neighbors, is basically a male version of Peg, and his wife Marcy is a proto-tumblrina who mostly supports causes either to feel morally superior, or to annoy/spite Al, rather than because it's something she believes in.

Everyone says that The Simpsons is (or, rather, was) the greatest American sitcom because of its social satire and tackling subject matter most would find taboo, but Married...With Children is one of those things that's more relevant now than it was when it first premiered, if only for the later episodes where Marcy is what most social justice warriors are now and Al starts that men's rights group called NO MA'AM (National Organization for Men Against Amazonian Masterhood) after a talk show host (played by Jerry Springer [yes, really]) proposes that Chicago be more accommodating to women.

To go back on topic: have any of the Looney Tunes/Merrie Melodies characters been put up for consideration for being a lolcow? If not, I'd like to nominate Daffy Duck (when he's depicted as being greedy and envious, not the wacky duck who likes to troll people) and Pepe Le Pew (just for the narcissism and the belief that every female cat that's run for him is "flirting" or "playing hard to get").

 

[Darwin Watterson]

Everyone says that The Simpsons is (or, rather, was) the greatest American sitcom because of its social satire and tackling subject matter most would find taboo, but Married...With Children is one of those things that's more relevant now than it was when it first premiered, if only for the later episodes where Marcy is what most social justice warriors are now and Al starts that men's rights group called NO MA'AM (National Organization for Men Against Amazonian Masterhood) after a talk show host (played by Jerry Springer [yes, really]) proposes that Chicago be more accommodating to women.

To go back on topic: have any of the Looney Tunes/Merrie Melodies characters been put up for consideration for being a lolcow? If not, I'd like to nominate Daffy Duck (when he's depicted as being greedy and envious, not the wacky duck who likes to troll people) and Pepe Le Pew (just for the narcissism and the belief that every female cat that's run for him is "flirting" or "playing hard to get").

I mentioned before that Wile E. Coyote was a pretty solid cow. Especially in the ones where he talked and went against Bugs Bunny instead of the Roadrunner. He was as idiotic as ever, but now had the added bonus of being a smug asshole who introduced himself as "Wile E. Coyote, Genius" and proceeded to make an ass of himself with his stupidity.

 

[Optimus Prime]

Pepe Le Pew (just for the narcissism and the belief that every female cat that's run for him is "flirting" or "playing hard to get").

Nah, that's just narcissism - additionally, the only thing driving away the cat in those cartoons is the fact he smells and looks like a skunk (because he is one), but sometimes at the end of those shorts, something happens to Pepe that masks the smell (French perfume shops of course) and hides his stripe (usually him falling into black sticky stuff like tar or more often paint).

At that point the situation reverses and Pepe is on the run from the cat now madly attracted to him. So he isn't so much a lolcow as he is a stupid romantic who aside from his blatant ignorance of being a smelly skunk, actually isn't as wrong about the whole 'they're attracted to me' part once the skunk stuff is repressed. Plus, aside from oblivious fumigation on occasion, the guy's harmless and just wants a date.

But on the same lines, I'd suggest Johnny Bravo. That guy thinks all the ladies love him despite every single one except his mother rejecting his very presence. And he tends to be oblivious to harm he does on others, too, such as the time he killed a superhero by taking some 'free boots' Wizard-of-Oz style, completely oblivious to the legs they were attached to leading under I think a giant asteroid.

Bugs Bunby

Yeah, I'd say calling himself a Genius and then going after the unmentionable distant relative of his target instead is pretty lolworthy.

 

[Darwin Watterson]

Yeah, I'd say calling himself a Genius and then going after the unmentionable distant relative of his target instead is pretty lolworthy.

Lol sorry, my phone keyboard sucks

 

[Optimus Prime]

Lol sorry, my phone keyboard sucks

lol I figured but it actually sounded like something that would happen in the old cartoons (Willy spends the entire episode going after a rabbit he doesn't fully see, only the ears and limbs that match Bugs, only in the end to catch his quarry and learn it's a guy named Bugs Bunby in an Easter Bunny costume colored like Bugs) so I ran with it.

 

[Male Idiot]

They're both assholes, but one was a galactic conquerer, scientific genius and a physical god, while the other is a master martial artist and princess. Not exactly lolcows.

I did not say lolcows. Azula is clearly a crazy person though, so I think the "horrorcow" label applies. I think that label does not say you are a lolcow, just that you are a giant psychotic trainwreck. Though almost every Avatar main character is a martial artist master.

As for the Emperor, he was a galactic conqueror who royally screwed his own empire up all by himself. All of the Horus Heresy is his fault or stems from his faults. After all, if the Grim Reaper qualified earlier, the Emperor destroying his own career and almost his empire too simply because he was a full on neckbeard atheist is pretty lol worthy.

But yeah they are not lolcows in the traditional sense, any more than Erdrogan or Kim Jong Un is.

On the other hand, I do not think that Al Bundy or Peggy or Jefferson would count. The former is a simple, deadbeat blue collar worker and the latters are just money-digger supremes. Steve Roads does go down the crazed eco warrior route for some time though.

 

[Hummingbird]

After getting through the second castle in Persona 5, I'd consider Komoshida (the boss in the first castle) to be a horrorcow.

Spoiler: Spoilers ahead

He's so attached to his past as a former Olympic athlete and talent for coaching that he has declared himself the god-like king of the school. (They're the main things he'll talk about and cling to.) Everyone else is just there to be his servants/toys that he can beat and torture to the point of obvious physical injury, create rallies to show off his skills and pummel weaker kids and believes he's sexually entitled to all the teenage girls at the school (despite being at least ten years older). When Ann, the girl he lusts over, refused to have sex with him, he took his wrath out on her best friend who thankfully escaped before he could really hurt her and it drove her to try to commit suicide. Of course when you finally get the upper hand on him, breaks down and shows what a coward he truly is.

 

[r00]

This guy. Compulsive liar, deviant, and he gives up the goods with only minor prodding.

 

[GethN7]

Everyone says that The Simpsons is (or, rather, was) the greatest American sitcom because of its social satire and tackling subject matter most would find taboo, but Married...With Children is one of those things that's more relevant now than it was when it first premiered, if only for the later episodes where Marcy is what most social justice warriors are now and Al starts that men's rights group called NO MA'AM (National Organization for Men Against Amazonian Masterhood) after a talk show host (played by Jerry Springer [yes, really]) proposes that Chicago be more accommodating to women.

To go back on topic: have any of the Looney Tunes/Merrie Melodies characters been put up for consideration for being a lolcow? If not, I'd like to nominate Daffy Duck (when he's depicted as being greedy and envious, not the wacky duck who likes to troll people) and Pepe Le Pew (just for the narcissism and the belief that every female cat that's run for him is "flirting" or "playing hard to get").

I'd second Daffy in his more modern portrayals.

Guy is a massive attention whore with a burning envy of Bugs Bunny most of the time, and his lolcow status comes from the fact Bugs and he really aren't all that different in being smug and egotistical, just Bugs manages to make his ego seem charming while Daffy just comes off as an asshole.

Worse, Daffy has a bloated sense of his self worth, which only gets worse when he actually does know in the slightest bit what he's talking about. He's enough of an egomaniac when he's totally ignorant of something but trying to play smart guy anyway, but it gets worse when he has the slightest knowledge of something and he tries to turn that into being an undisputed genius on the topic (I direct everyone to that compilation movie of LT episodes where Daffy ran a paranormal agency and all he really had going for him was knowing ghosts were real) and makes an even more massive ass of himself.

Then he basically becomes Brianna Wu with feathers.

 

[Darwin Watterson]

that compilation movie of LT episodes where Daffy ran a paranormal agency and all he really had going for him was knowing ghosts were real

Is that Quackbusters or am I thinking of a different one?

 

[Hummingbird]

Is that Quackbusters or am I thinking of a different one?

Yeah, it's Quackbusters.

 

[Hummingbird]

Everyone says that The Simpsons is (or, rather, was) the greatest American sitcom because of its social satire and tackling subject matter most would find taboo, but Married...With Children is one of those things that's more relevant now than it was when it first premiered, if only for the later episodes where Marcy is what most social justice warriors are now and Al starts that men's rights group called NO MA'AM (National Organization for Men Against Amazonian Masterhood) after a talk show host (played by Jerry Springer [yes, really]) proposes that Chicago be more accommodating to women.

And with the fat acceptance movement and obesity epidemic on the raise, Al's anti-fat women comments and jokes feel more cathartic.

 

[Replicant Sasquatch]

Most of the characters on You're The Worst.

Gretchen is a foul-mouthed slob with a drug problem and actual depression. Her apartment looks like a garbage dump. She even casually threw out "GamerGater" as an insult, which I'd normally find annoying but I have a pass to because she's deliberately shallow and stupid.

Jimmy is a pretentious writer with a foot fetish and who spends half the series writing an erotic romance novel about incest. He's romantically crippled and ranks sex as less fun than sitting down. He also has an autistic fascination with treehouses and spends a lot of time playing video games with his middle school aged neighbor.

Edgar is a PTSD addled Iraq vet who isn't allowed to tell stories anymore because they always involve shooting camels or seeing stray dogs fight over infant corpses.

And then there's Lindsey, who is seriously Homer Simpson levels of stupid. She also stabbed and cucked her husband before impregnating herself with his sperm in a turkey baster to keep him from leaving her.

 

[Girlfriend-free Boy]

Most of the characters on You're The Worst.

Gretchen is a foul-mouthed slob with a drug problem and actual depression. Her apartment looks like a garbage dump. She even casually threw out "GamerGater" as an insult, which I'd normally find annoying but I have a pass to because she's deliberately shallow and stupid.

Jimmy is a pretentious writer with a foot fetish and who spends half the series writing an erotic romance novel about incest. He's romantically crippled and ranks sex as less fun than sitting down. He also has an autistic fascination with treehouses and spends a lot of time playing video games with his middle school aged neighbor.

Edgar is a PTSD addled Iraq vet who isn't allowed to tell stories anymore because they always involve shooting camels or seeing stray dogs fight over infant corpses.

And then there's Lindsey, who is seriously Homer Simpson levels of stupid. She also stabbed and cucked her husband before impregnating herself with his sperm in a turkey baster to keep him from leaving her.

There was a scene where Edgar beat up some guy in a tard rage because he wore a shirt that said "America is Scary", then ran up and slammed a book into the guy's face when he was just walking away.