Careercow Jack Russell Scalfani / Cooking With Jack / Jack on the Go Show / jakatak - YouTube "Celebrity" "Chef", Living Encyclopedia of Gluttony-Induced Maladies, Salmonella Elemental

[p1138]

Jack wants an alternative to 'Uncrustables' because it's 'ultra-processed' so he makes faux-'Uncrustables' using 100% premade ultra-processed ingredients, it's great.

Processed crappy sliced cheese, shitty processed ham cold cuts, processed cooked frozen sausage patties, processed peanutbutter and jelly, and processed biscuit dough. He even has a gadget to make loafs of deli meat and probably has a meat slicer. Hell, he could have just bought ham. This is probably somehow more processed than the normal uncrustables since those are frozen and a lot of this shit is made to sit on shelves or just in the fridge.


Holy fuck, buy a new pan already. Also the moisture from this shit is just going to fuck the biscuits up.


Still can't eat food like a normal human being, has to do his "eat it like a taco" thing when this isn't even a burger, but he's not even consistent about it either.

Isn't the entire fucking point of uncrustables so a kid can just throw it in their lunch bag on their way to school or whatever and have it thawed out by the time they're going to eat? It's purely a convenience food to just grab and go. Now Fatty has done all of this bullshit except made biscuits that can't cook right with all of the crap in them, and now they're no longer frozen or convenient. He'd have just been better off making biscuits and then using those for sandwiches. Also...

"My favorite two, is the sausage with jelly and the PB&J. Those are the top ten"

Now I know the auto generated transcript says "top two" but I listened to it a few times... he said top ten. How many of these did he really make other than the 16 we saw? Fucking lardass.

Tells us how there's "lots of crap in them" referring to the normal frozen uncrustables... fails to have read the ingredients list for anything he fucking used. "This is a little more homemade" that's as fucking homemade as that drunk lady from food network and her stupid show. Sandra something? "real ingredients" welchs and jif... holy shit just the fucking biscuits alone

 

[souschef]

I don't think he even cooked that

 

[Daddy Strokum]

Apologies if this has been posted before but Jack is now giving places 1/5 reviews if his doordash order was late.

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Keep in mind that his "local guide" badge for leaving a fuckton of shitty reviews guarantees that his review will be posted. Meanwhile if you are an intelligent person who wants to leave a review unless you give the place a 4/5 or 5/5 your review will be hidden forever no matter how well written it was. Google is garbage.

Fuck me. How can he rate the service or atmosphere if it was a doordash order and he never set foot inside? If the food truly deserved one star wouldn't one normally mention what about it was so bad? This is just a lazy fuckass slamming a place because his retarded delivery guy couldn't find the door.

 

[the khat quaffer]

Fuck me. How can he rate the service or atmosphere if it was a doordash order and he never set foot inside? If the food truly deserved one star wouldn't one normally mention what about it was so bad? This is just a lazy fuckass slamming a place because his retarded delivery guy couldn't find the door.

He never "sets foot" inside anywhere anymore. Cut the holy roller some slack.

 

[Falcon Sebben]

Jackoff is a perfect example of the kind of guy so retarded he shouldn't be allowed access to AI for his own protection. I guess it's good for him because AI is the only thing that will never tell him he's a fat, stroked-out retard who needs to choke and die.

And yet he's always bitching about how AI will ruin America. He's such a hypocrite but then he's also a lazy fucker so if AI can do things for him without him needing to lift a finger than that's okay. Everything else though? It's totally wrong.

Tells us how there's "lots of crap in them" referring to the normal frozen uncrustables... fails to have read the ingredients list for anything he fucking used. "This is a little more homemade" that's as fucking homemade as that drunk lady from food network and her stupid show. Sandra something? "real ingredients" welchs and jif... holy shit just the fucking biscuits alone

Semi-Homemade Cooking with Sandra Lee. That show was equal parts hilarious and horrifying. And even she would look at this and say, "no".

But yeah everything he used was ultra-processed so it defeated the purpose and only goes to show Fatty is a retard and it's only about the maximum amount of food he can jam in his mouth.

 

[Uber driver reviewer]

And yet he's always bitching about how AI will ruin America. He's such a hypocrite but then he's also a lazy fucker so if AI can do things for him without him needing to lift a finger than that's okay. Everything else though? It's totally wrong.


Semi-Homemade Cooking with Sandra Lee. That show was equal parts hilarious and horrifying. And even she would look at this and say, "no".

But yeah everything he used was ultra-processed so it defeated the purpose and only goes to show Fatty is a retard and it's only about the maximum amount of food he can jam in his mouth.

Jack is addicted to the electronic Jewish demon known as AI, but wants to gatekeep for the rest of the world to his pathetic level of using it as a search engine because he subconsciously is aware that he doesn’t understand it.

 

[p1138]

Fuck me. How can he rate the service or atmosphere if it was a doordash order and he never set foot inside? If the food truly deserved one star wouldn't one normally mention what about it was so bad? This is just a lazy fuckass slamming a place because his retarded delivery guy couldn't find the door.

He did rate it relevant to his brain.
"expect delay on your food delivery"
That is the worst possible sin for Fatty, and clearly it must be the fault of the restaurant and not the idiot driver. There's some other gems in his google reviews as well like this one. 3/5 stars says it's an A- wtf?

 

[a terminal posture]

He did rate it relevant to his brain.
"expect delay on your food delivery"
That is the worst possible sin for Fatty, and clearly it must be the fault of the restaurant and not the idiot driver. There's some other gems in his google reviews as well like this one. 3/5 stars says it's an A- wtf?
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I keep forgetting to check these. Honestly more entertaining that his recent videos.

 

[Falcon Sebben]

That is the worst possible sin for Fatty, and clearly it must be the fault of the restaurant and not the idiot driver. There's some other gems in his google reviews as well like this one. 3/5 stars says it's an A- wtf?

Of course any delay in getting his food is the worst possible thing in the world.

But he's not alone in giving ridiculous ratings to things.

Spoiler: ratings sperging

Back when IMDB had their message boards there were always flame wars erupting over things and often either the movie was the best of all time or the absolute worst. That's simple enough to understand but I remember one woman saying of the 2016 Ghostbusters remake that it was a good movie. "not bad" and better than most people gave it credit for. She gave it a 4/10.. That's not the score for a good movie that is "not bad". That's less than a passing score. A 4/10 movie is one that you feel was bad but not terrible. It's a movie that you accept has deep flaws but has a some saving grace like maybe a great scene by an actor who's slumming it for the paycheck or something. But you would never call it "good". That's essentially what Fatty is doing here.

TL;DR = An A- should be maybe a 4/5. A 3/5 is closer to a B or C+

 

[Marc]

So are we yet to the point of Jack screaming at Tammy to take him through the drive-thru of the nearest fast food place, then leaving a negative review while still in the drive-thru; because Tammy explained that he has to wait on them to make the food he ordered?

I also want that baby to hurry up and eat its way out of Brianna; so we can get to the arc of Jack wrathfully (and gleefully) scorning and evicting his son and Hammy Jr from the neighboring property after they confront him for trying to kill his grandson by "accidentally" sitting on it twice in jealous retribution for the attention people were giving it.

 

[ILikeYou]

"My favorite two, is the sausage with jelly and the PB&J. Those are the top ten"

I think he might be doing word substitution because of vascular dementia. There's clearly something truly more wrong than ever with his mind--for which I have no pity, because of who he is--and apparently this kind of dementia can make you mix up words, or just sounds within words.

In a recent video he very clearly said 'nerty' instead of 'thirty', about the price of an item, and didn't correct himself or seem to notice that he said that. Tammy also didn't say anything, but that could either be because she knows he's gone mentally, or because she just doesn't care.

 

[The Stranger]

I think he might be doing word substitution because of vascular dementia.

So apparently all of the things that cause strokes also cause vascular dementia so you're probably spot on. Absolutely hilarious to think he's such a fucking glutton he managed to eat his way into brain damage
Suffer, lard ass

 

[Dizzyuntildeath]

Jack the Transvestigator

She'll just not have DNA. It'll be amazing. Mrs. Macron found to have no DNA. Leaves scientists stumped. This failed celebrity chef MAY have the answers...

 

[Doctor of Autism]

He really went from screaming about this movie for months because of a different Silver Surfer to glazing the hell out of it

 

[Adamska]

Jack wants an alternative to 'Uncrustables' because it's 'ultra-processed' so he makes faux-'Uncrustables' using 100% premade ultra-processed ingredients, it's great.

I'd rather just do what Ordinary Sausage did, which was to make a hamburger that held an uncrustable inside it than this stupid shit. At least that thing was interesting, and possibly even considered good given that it's essentially something Elvis would eat.

This garbage idea is just a less efficient and lower quality hot ham and cheese and hot PBnJ.

Snoozer of a cookin' video, except for how fatty broke the diet that he'll pretend he's still on when he screams on twitter when people point that out.

 

[Marc]

I remind everyone that Jack's idea of a diet was to spend the first seven months of 2024 tweeting fake bathroom scale weights, blood pressure readings, and blood glucose levels - all while eating whatever he wanted, and sometimes remembering to edit out footage of himself eating non-meats. However, he disturbingly reinforced this lie by supplementing his normal, all-garbage diet with entire, raw chuck roasts cut into cubes, one to two pounds of block cheese cut into cubes, and entire Costco rotisserie chickens...which he would brag of eating in a single sitting. Our inference was that Jack had convinced himself that a higher percentage of his diet being meat and dairy would signify "leaning" carnivore, despite the ingesting of thousands of additional calories each day being counterproductive to anything health-minded.

Because Jack is mentally deficient, the consistently hilarious quality of his lies about his weight loss numbers included claiming to have plateaued after three weeks (from 278.6 lbs to 267), before deciding to claim he had lost fourteen pounds all at once in the seventh month [colonic irrigation?]. It should be pointed out that Jack's purported weigh-ins were bullshit; because he is physically incapable of standing upright on a scale without resting 50+ lbs of his gunt against a wall or kitchen island for support.

And because he never bothered to google what realistic blood pressure or glucose levels are, he would regularly pat himself on the back (were it possible) for reporting deadly, high-risk numbers which, in a normal human being, would necessitate ER visits. Note that, because Jack was making these numbers up for the sake of impressing strangers on Twitter who hate him, his actual numbers are inferred to have somehow been even worse (otherwise he wouldn't have needed to lie about them trending downward by a point every single month that he was pretending to diet).

For the above reasons, many of us remain surprised that Jack has continued to live. Others have concluded that Hell currently lacks the necessary accommodations and accessibility options to meet Jack's particular needs; and keeps postponing his enrollment date until they are able to have him reincarnated as his own grandson: An antichrist which will chew its way out of Brianne and be born laughing like Rich Evans.

 

[Super Hans v2]

He really went from screaming about this movie for months because of a different Silver Surfer to glazing the hell out of it

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You would think that since Jack has to see every movie that goes to theaters that he wouldn't find retro-futurism baffling.

 

[Laura Pallmall]

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Critical analysis of a 2nd grader.
It seems those post-credit sequences are so overdone in capeshit, they're now an expected talking point.

 

[the khat quaffer]

It should be pointed out that Jack's purported weigh-ins were bullshit; because he is physically incapable of standing on a scale without resting 50+ lbs of his gunt against a wall or kitchen island for support.

Though 300 is far too low for where I'd clock Jack...I won't believe one elbee under 350.

He really went from screaming about this movie for months because of a different Silver Surfer to glazing the hell out of it

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Juvenile review aside, I will say I saw a few people whining about the movie before it was even released because of a) FEMALE silver surfer, b) Pedro Pascal, c) potential girlboss in Sue Storm/female SS, d) Fantastic Four's notorious losing streak at the theaters going 3 movies strong (yes I'm counting the 1994 version that technically never got released), e) superhero fatigue.

Spoiler: how have i seen two capeshits in one month

Female SS is seriously not a big deal and was just fine in the movie you jr. movie critic youtube faggots, Pedro is definitely in talks with Reynold's to appear in a commercial about how he only uses Reynold's Wrap in his retro futuristic kitchen, and girlbosses are definitely a plague but no such thing with this F4. If that shit bothers you so much, fine, understandable, just check out of the capeshit movies like most of did nigh on 5 years ago.

To echo Jack's sentiment, it was pretty "gud", not amazing, worth a watch with friends. Galactus was a little nerfed. No stupid Marvel humor. are superhero movies learning?

I see that fatty isn't even pretending to be carnivore anymore

"Anymore"? He hasn't "pretended" since day 1.

Jack's next fad diet should be Breatharianism.

 

[Doctor of Autism]

Critical analysis of a 2nd grader.
It seems those post-credit sequences are so overdone in capeshit, they're now an expected talking point.

Yeah and he's mad at the second post credit scene because it's a cute little gag which like that's what post credits scenes usually are