Ullstein Bild / Getty
Oh, good! Congressional Republicans have introduced the
Clear Skies Act, a
bill “to prohibit weather modification within the United States, and for other purposes.” I cannot stress enough that this is
not what is causing
any of the extreme weather we are seeing. Maybe that’s the point. As Representative Tim Burchett of Tennessee (who sponsored the bill alongside Marjorie Taylor Greene) put it, “If it doesn’t exist, then you don’t have anything to worry about.”
As long as we are applying this “let’s ban nonexistent things” approach to legislation, I have some notes for the Clear Skies Act as it seeks to ban weather modification. This term, the bill notes, “includes (i) geoengineering (ii) cloud seeding (iii) solar radiation modification and management (iv) a release of an aerosol into the atmosphere to influence temperature, precipitation, or the intensity of sunlight.” Why not cast a wider net? Don’t stop at just (iv)! Let’s also ban:
(v) strip-club patrons “making it rain”
(vi) children singing “Rain, rain, go away / come again some other day”
(vii) any and all actions of the weather-modifying rodent Punxsutawney Phil, who must be brought before the House in chains to answer for his crimes
(viii) Thor
(ix) when your knees ache (this brings on rain)
(x) witches setting to sea in eggshells (it is from these small crafts that they cast spells and raise storms to bedevil ships at sea)
(xi) pathetic fallacy (banned until further notice)
(xii) butterflies flapping their wings even a single time (this is how you make hurricanes)
(xiii) the demigod Maui insofar as he is doing things with the breeze
(xiv) caterpillars growing suspiciously thick winter coats (this is how we get blizzards)
(xv) any and all frozen treats with names like Blizzard, McFlurry, Frosty, ICEE (could their intention be any clearer?)
(xvi) fairies, fae, Fair Folk, sprites of all kinds
(xvii) Prospero from
The Tempest, specifically (known to use weather for revenge)
(xviii) Storm from
X-Men (ditto)
(xix) Magneto (I don’t understand how electromagnetism affects weather so we had better ban him just in case)
(xx) Gandalf the Grey (Gandalf the White is okay, according to Stephen Miller)
(xxi) leprechauns
(xxii) Santa Claus (NORAD is already tracking him; simply order them to shoot to kill)
(xxiii) The Midgard Serpent (if it ever releases its tail from its mouth, Ragnarok will ensue, and that is the last thing we need right now)
(xxiv) gray aliens (
Pleiadians are okay, according to Stephen Miller)
(xxv) Hillary Clinton (some say she does weather things)
(xxvi) NOAA (does this still exist?)
(xxvii) releasing greenhouse gases willy-nilly without regard for the climate (well, it was worth a shot).
