vent (love my friends but they're cis and just don't get it).
BEING.SINGLE.AND.LOOKING.FOR.A.RELATIONSHIP.AS.A.TRANS.GIRL.IS.THE.WORST. (Sorry for the melodrama
)
Preface: For context, I've been transitioning for a little over a year and a half now. Between HRT, laser/electro, voice training, and sheer luck I've gotten to a pretty stealthy point if not fully. So this is from my experience and I really hope this doesn't sound like a "woe is me for having privilege" kind of post, it's just been like super frustrating lately and I don't really like talking with my friends about trans related issues.
Dating apps: Previously I was NOT vocal about me being trans on my profile. I just didn't want to open myself up to some of the people that see "trans" and immediately forget how to act. And tbh, it was great, like really good. So with not having trans on my profile, I can usually get a pretty good amount of people interested in me. But the biggest headache with it...finding who will STILL be interested in me once I tell them I'm trans.
God the process is sooo draining. Finding someone who swiped on me that I'm interested in, chatting (even Facetiming) and eventually vibing, getting to the point where they ask me out...only to get to the dreaded point that I know most of you in the same position have been in..."hey just so you know I'm trans". THE WORST. It's like literally a coin toss. Maybe it's the guys I attract or am attracted to nowadays? I'm your basic girl next door type of girl, not too flashy or extravagant but think I have some qualities that make me stand out a little and I usually find myself attracted to whatever the opposite type of guy that is if I had to explain it. Or maybe I'm just not as attractive as I thought I was...maybe these guys only ever saw me as a hookup and saying I'm trans killed that for them. And then there's being out in person.
In person: So like I prefaced, I'm pretty stealth out and about. And again yay it's great. I can go out with friends and usually get hit on which again, yay so awesome. But then said guy starts to get a little touchy...or wants to dance...and immediately I'm back to the dreaded point. Though now, it's like a crossroads (because obviously being in person brings a whole other thing to think about: safety). Do I tell this guy I'm trans and risk a bad reaction? Or do I just find a reason to leave? Honestly, I stopped risking telling people. I just ghost. And it SUCKSSS. Sometimes I give them my number, but honestly again, I don't want a bad reaction so I never text them. Especially after an experience I had with a super imposing guy, it just got me super uncomfortable getting hit on out in public.
Back to dating apps: So recently I decided to focus back on dating apps. I started back in the same process: match, chat, be asked out, telling them I'm trans, and thennn...oh sorry, that's a deal breaker...So Laney why didn't you just be up front about it or tell them right after you match? I guess a part of me thinks, hey I must be pretty enough and hey maybe if I humanize myself enough where they realize I'm just like any other cis girl that maybe...just maybe, they'll want to give me a chance for something serious. But instead...I get "oh yeah sorry nope" or the equally as bad "I couldn't date you but we could still hook up" (as if that's BETTER, and not WORSE, than just saying no to me). So I finally said screw this process, it's too exhausting to get invested and be let down over and over again.
So I started fresh, deleted and redid my dating profile with everything the same except now I added "trans" in front of woman. And so far (if I even kept doing it as this point), it's been equally as bad. It's nicer to have a smaller pool of people that I think for the most part have seen I'm trans so I don't have to have that awkward convo (hell I even added a note when we match to let them know that hey make sure you read my profile thoroughly). Yeah it sucks matching with someone and immediately seeing them unmatch but hey at least there's no time wasted. But now I'm hitting a different ick, honestly one that makes me feel just as bad, if not worse...f**king chasers. I never really dealt with them before bc I never really advertised it. I have ran into a few earlier on in my transition that I should've known but it happens. But now that I have it on my profile, sure enough, there they are and it's like every conversation now. I've literally timed it to a science...hellos, ask about your day, maybe (if lucky) ask something about you, and then...the convo goes to either sex or asking about my down there. Ughhh it makes me feel so disgusting. At least when I was being stealth on dating apps, guys would at least treat me like a normal person before me telling them.
Some final thoughts: I know I'm probably being melodramatic but I'm so exhausted with trying to find someone for me. I never transitioned for anyone but myself, but I'm at such a great point in my life with everything else I do want to find someone special. Before and earlier on in my transition, I leaned more lesbian then straight but now I'm finding myself like pretty much entirely straight (honestly probably why I never get hit on by women anymore but that's a whole different thing). But sometimes I WISH I didn't feel like that. It honestly felt so much easier dating women. It it didn't make me feel so awful about myself. And honestly, I'm such a huge sucker for love and miss being in relationships.
I wish men could like see past this stupid thing. Realize that I have things to offer. That there's more depth to me than being trans. That it doesn't define me. That I can be like SUCH a great partner.
It hurts feeling that I have all these pieces that someone could want, but then have this one thing I can't change about me that immediately ends things. It hurts feeling a connection with someone and immediately feeling the switch flip when you tell them. It hurts feeling like some kind of object instead of a person to people. It hurts feeling like no matter how pretty I am, how successful I am, how great my life is on it's own...that I'll always be something that can be just discarded bc of this one thing.
Or maybe I need to lower my standards or something. Maybe I need to change something about me. Maybe if I was prettier then I could pass that barrier for people and be enough for someone to be with. Or maybe not. Idk. UGHHHH IT JUST SUCKS!
Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk.
p.s. If I have one more of my cis friends tell me how easy it is to date men I'm going to freaking lose it.
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