What do people look for in a partner?

[BT 075]

I think my mum wants me to have a baby because my step sister has a child, but she wants me to have one because then it will feel more like her own grandchild. If that makes sense?

That makes sense. Her stepdaughter is not her flesh and blood, you are. So if you have a child it's her biological grandchild and she may feel a closer connection to it. I can see where she is coming from, but she should not be putting pressure on you because pressure is not going to help you. Staying calm is.

Also I've tried internet dating, but the men on there talk about rude things and then ask me to send naked pictures of myself, after sening naked pictures of themselves which makes me very uncomfortable.

Those people are very common on the internet, sadly enough. Many people are perverts in real life, and on the internet they don't feel the same bounderies holding them back as they feel in the outside, offline world. The type of guy who sends you a pic of his junk right away isn't boyfriend material, let alone father material. At most a guy like that would be looking for a one night stand.

Try a chat site. Befriend people. Then see what can grow from there on out. The best and most stable of relationships start off as a friendship first.

 

[Some JERK]

The pressure mostly comes from my parents, especially my mum. She keeps going on about how I should be giving her grandchildren now, and I should be married now too. It's like she thinks I have disappointed her by being depressed, not that she blames me for it. But she keeps telling me about how she envisioned me doing all those things by now, and how I am too picky when it comes to finding men.

I know you love your mother but your life belongs to you, and should only be beholden to or measured against your own hopes and dreams for it.

 

[Ariel]

The pressure mostly comes from my parents, especially my mum. She keeps going on about how I should be giving her grandchildren now, and I should be married now too. It's like she thinks I have disappointed her by being depressed, not that she blames me for it. But she keeps telling me about how she envisioned me doing all those things by now, and how I am too picky when it comes to finding men.

I know the feeling, my mum has made it very clear that she wants grandchildren. Things suddenly went from 'don't settle down too young' to 'GRANDCHILDREN NOW!'

 

[A-№1]

I was wondering if because everyone thinks I'm super sweet and kind, if that would turn a man off?

Depends on the man. Everyone has different tastes.

The only issue I can see with it is the sort of men who are into quiet, retiring, sweet girls who don't stand up for themselves are often also creepy, domineering, control freak men.

However there are also those who will be quite happy to take you gently by the hand and teach you the Ways of Evil. Or, you know, just grow old quietly together. It takes all sorts.

The pressure mostly comes from my parents, especially my mum. She keeps going on about how I should be giving her grandchildren now, and I should be married now too.

RESIST THAT PRESSURE.​

Seriously. Living your life on someone else's schedule is a sure fire way to fuck it up hard core.

I think my mum wants me to have a baby because my step sister has a child, but she wants me to have one because then it will feel more like her own grandchild. If that makes sense?

It makes sense. Genetic imperatives run pretty deep.

Also I've tried internet dating, but the men on there talk about rude things and then ask me to send naked pictures of myself, after sening naked pictures of themselves which makes me very uncomfortable.

Yeah, you're not unique in that experience. It helps if you can laugh at those twits, preferably while pointing.

Spoiler

But seriously, internet dating is a hit or miss thing with a lot more miss than hit. It's better to meet people in real life through common interests and see what happens from there. Even if you don't make any romantic attachments, you'll still have fun doing something you enjoy with other people who also enjoy it.

 

[silentprincess]

You guys are helping me chatting to people and guys, and I want to thank you for that. I'm starting to feel more and more confident with talking to people, and slowly coming out of my shyness, though I know I will always be shy it's my personality trait.

I don't want to be one of those girls who lets a man hurt her, and be all docile and forgive him for doing it. Or one of those girls who lets her man cheat on her over and over again, because she's scared of not finding someone else. I don't want to be creepy, domineering, and control freak men, it scares the hell out of me to be that way to man.

 

[Foulmouth]

You guys are helping me chatting to people and guys, and I want to thank you for that. I'm starting to feel more and more confident with talking to people, and slowly coming out of my shyness, though I know I will always be shy it's my personality trait.

I don't want to be one of those girls who lets a man hurt her, and be all docile and forgive him for doing it. Or one of those girls who lets her man cheat on her over and over again, because she's scared of not finding someone else. I don't want to be creepy, domineering, and control freak men, it scares the hell out of me to be that way to man.

Good on you !
Settling for someone just to have someone is often a bad idea,It may take time but finding someone good is worth it.

 

[Some JERK]

I don't want to be one of those girls who lets a man hurt her, and be all docile and forgive him for doing it. Or one of those girls who lets her man cheat on her over and over again, because she's scared of not finding someone else. I don't want to be creepy, domineering, and control freak men, it scares the hell out of me to be that way to man.

then you won't be.

 

[Fialovy]

Yeah, it's a pretty common experience with internet dating, usually you're just supposed to delete those messages and block whoever creep sent them. There is a reason why there are so many blogs and tumblrs and whatnot involving creepy MRA/"nice guy"/loveshy types and their profiles. OkCupid, because its free tends to be notorious for that, but even on paid sites to some extent. There plenty of people out there on those sites who just want to get laid and are not looking for anything serious or long-term.

Also, I think that if you don't want to be like any one of those really passive girls and just the fact you say that shows that you are motivated to not do that and be assertive, that says a lot right there. Assertiveness is a good quality to have, but it can be difficult to master since it is easy to fall into the trap of being too aggressive or too passive, but once you finally figure out how to be assertive, it's an excellent quality for every aspect of your life, not just relationships, but also your occupation and well, a lot of things really.

 

[A-№1]

I'm starting to feel more and more confident with talking to people, and slowly coming out of my shyness, though I know I will always be shy it's my personality trait.

Personally I look forward to the day when you finally hulk out at some asshat sperg on the forums and rip him several new ones. Because when it's you finally doing that, I know the sperg will have seriously deserved it, and it will be glorious to see.

And I don't think I'm alone in this.

 

[Marvin]

You get married and have kids because you want to, not because someone tells you that you should or you feel pressured into it. You really have to look at the problems that people who have started families have (i.e. the "what comes next" after you do get married and have kids) and ask yourself if this is really what will make you happy.

Pfft, definitely this. Hell, I'm looking into getting a vasectomy and I'm in my early twenties. Why the hell would I want kids? Little shits with chocolate smeared all over their faces, running around ruining everything? Forget that.

I mean, sure there are real parental people out there, and good for them. But it sure as hell ain't for me.

 

[A-№1]

Pfft, definitely this. Hell, I'm looking into getting a vasectomy and I'm in my early twenties. Why the hell would I want kids? Little shits with chocolate smeared all over their faces, running around ruining everything? Forget that.

Absolutely. I cannot agree with this more. If someone doesn't want kids, they shouldn't have them. And vasectomies are a good way of making certain you don't unintentionally get roped into having kids against your will.

If someone is really concerned they might change their mind later, well it's reversible, or they could store some sperm in a sperm bank, or even adopt. There are a lot of really good kids out there wanting adoption, and with the older ones you get to bypass the horrible, sticky, smelly, stuff wrecking phase.

Edit: If only Bob had gotten a vasectomy after his first marriage, he would have been much happier later in life.

 

[Grand Number of Pounds]

I'm thinking I'd like to be a foster parent once I get settled down.

If parenting isn't for you but you want to be involved in a kid's life, there are a lot of organizations that will let you mentor or coach at risk kids. I'm sure they're always looking for good people to help out.

Or you can help with a friend who has kids, because I'm sure they need a break every once in awhile too.

And all that stuff lets you practice if you ever decide to have kids of your own.

 

[Mogambo]

I just got out of a long term relationship and yes, I do get pressure from my parents and my grandfather to start having kids. As you might imagine, that's rather difficult without a woman. And as I've found it, its rather hard to meet new people at my age, and most of my female friends and colleagues are in long term relationships themselves. I'll admit that I miss my ex and it gets lonely sometimes, but I'm not entirely sure I want a relationship. I certainly don't want to be pushed into it simply because my family expects it. I feel like that's just a bad path to go down. One that will inevitably lead to divorce, legal battles and less money than I started out with...

Anyway, one huge thing is that I believe you need to have some level of sexual attraction in a partner. Now I don't necessarily mean she has to be a supermodel or something, but I don't think its fair to get into a relationship with someone if you don't intend to consummate it. Otherwise, I'd just stay friends. Beyond that one basic requirement? Well, intelligence and a sense of humor are pretty important. I suppose I like women who are more open for doing things, not the type who want to stay home all day. I like travelling, I like going to concerts, I like visiting museums and seeing movies... if a woman doesn't like that, I'm not sure I could have a long term relationship.

Oh, and snakes. Before I'll hook up with anyone, I'm going to make sure she's cool with snakes. I'm not giving up my boas for anyone.

 

[BOLDYSPICY!]

The best therapist I ever had summed up my ideal romantic partner better than I ever could:
"You want a girl who's smart, relaxed, quiet, perhaps a little introverted. Someone that can balance out your strong personality. She has to be submissive, but not too much, because that's weakness & you hate that."
Congratulations, princess, you're my perfect woman. I hope you like fat, hairy, aggressive lesbians. :p

In all seriousness, though, one thing I've found is that you really can't love someone until you learn to love yourself. You've been through a lot of shit, & you are much, much stronger than you give yourself credit for. You seem to radiate boundless kindness, sweetness, & gentleness through every one of your posts. People like you are so very rare & precious, & I wish I could round up everyone who's ever so much as looked at you the wrong way & punch them in the dick(s). TL;DR, you're really something special, dammit. & while it's hard to believe that about yourself, once you do, everything else will fall into place. Hang in there, babe. <3

 

[caffeinated_wench]

Hi there! I remember being a lot like you. Being used by the first guy I felt something for didn't help either. I didn't think anyone would love me, though part of that was projecting my own self-loathing. I admit, parts of it remain; there are days where I look in the mirror and think "I'm okay with myself" then there are days where I think "Holy fuck, I'm hideous and there's nothing to like about me."

Now, though, I'm in a relationship with a wonderful person who's funny, dorky, confident, patient, creative, smart, caring... He enjoys vidya and absolutely adores kitties. He wants me to be my best and express myself, as well as communicate. I've been to therapy and have slowly built up some self-confidence. My boyfriend has also helped by encouraging me, and sometimes it makes me want to cry because it feels so wonderful to have someone who doesn't treat me like I'm a mindless drone.

I know it's hard to believe, but there are plenty out there who will love you past your looks. There are some people out there who don't base it on looks at all and are attracted solely to personalities.

It's true as BOLDY said, that you must first begin to love yourself. The journey won't be an easy one; there will be times where you'll find yourself falling into that old line of thinking. It's okay. It'll get better with time and you'll find yourself becoming more confident. Just keep at it, and many of us here will help dust you off and set you back on that path should you need us.

 

[Pine Tar]

I hope the best for you, silentprincess. You seem like the kind of woman who will make a good man really, really happy someday. Just don't feel like you have to go on your Love Quest now. That will never end well.

 

[Holdek]

Pfft, definitely this. Hell, I'm looking into getting a vasectomy and I'm in my early twenties. Why the hell would I want kids? Little shits with chocolate smeared all over their faces, running around ruining everything? Forget that.

I mean, sure there are real parental people out there, and good for them. But it sure as hell ain't for me.

I might do it if I was rich and had a full time au pair that my wife and I could hand them off to for the unpleasentries.

It reminds me of this Louis CK bit, where he says being a divorced father with shared custody is great because there's a point where he gets to say goodbye to his kids and he's not going to have to see them for a full week .

 

[The Dude]

A pulse, but it isn't always a prerequisite.

 

[Mogambo]

A pulse, but it isn't always a prerequisite.

Hey, why not. There are plenty of hot vampire chicks in movies, and I contend there are some hot zombies too. Ever seen Zombie Strippers?

 

[silentprincess]

I heard from someone a long time ago, that men don't like making love to women who were abused, raped, or are a virgin. They said it was very off putting, and that men don't want a women who is going to have flashbacks of the events, or have to be really careful with the women because of her needs. And that I am going to find it very hard to find someone who is willing to be patient enough to put up with these things, which made me really angry because now it reinforces my belief that I am worthless and dirty.