📚 Megathread SRS and GRS surgeons and associated horrors - the medical community of experimental surgeons, the secret community of home butchers

[OnionMuncher]

I just had a nauseating thought..... a pooner might attempt to REPLICATE this, with carved pathways from the cyst to the "dick" to "ejaculate" puss

It would be some frankenstien shit, and take "maintaining" a constant infection, but I wouldn't put this past them.

Kinda been done. Who has the video of the pooner 'ejaculating' clear slime from her dog?

Edit
Can't find the video im thinking of but here's some horrors for you.
They're both links to posts deep upthread.

 

[Hooked on phobics]

Kinda been done. Who has the video of the pooner 'ejaculating' clear slime from her dog?

Edit
Can't find the video im thinking of but here's some horrors for you.
They're both links to posts deep upthread.

your links are very borked, I assume from mobile posting unfortunately.

 

[There She Glows]

What's the policy like on posting content from sites like fetlife, btw? I might have found a treasure trove of reasons to pray for blindness laugh.

Welcome to the farms. All sources of content are permitted on the forum. If you've got something interesting or funny for the thread please feel free to post it.

 

[idk123456789]

Last time we saw poor Eve Panzarino, his 'ditch had miraculously not killed him yet despite looking like it was ready to help him meet his maker. But that doesn't mean things haven't stayed dire for him as his surgeon, Dr. Whitehead, has allegedly now fired Panzarino as a patient, leaving him with no one to follow up with who had a hand in the original procedure. But don't worry, Panzykins is a top-shelf developer and will absolutely destroy Whitehead's reputation through SEO manipulation, so trust that this butcher messed with the wrong baddie!
Last Post (c/o crab hole)
Link | Archive

It looks like his cock got ripped off and then they put it back the wrong way

 

[Otterly]

Eve Panzarino

I know most of them look like someone’s just stapled their dick down and called it a day bit this one really just looks like they ironed his dick down and called it a day. …
“Nurse? Pass me the steam iron; no turn it down a bit that’s the linen setting, I need it on ‘cock.’’ Maximum steam!’

Frankly, everyone in this thread should do that, cows and kiwis alike.

CAn absolutely recommend Epsom salt baths for general relaxation. I had a seriously hot bath last night after getting far too cold and it was delightful. Helps with sleep as well

 

[booklover]

Here's a story about a man with a micropenis (more likely, ambiguous genitalia) and an addendum about a man who lost his equipment to disease.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Scvrgbw5B4k

 

[Hanging Tree]

likely because it has a resemblance to a snub-nosed monkey.

I thought this was the worst stinkditch I have ever seen on this thread due to the fact that it's just two holes. One for pissing and one for...well something. Have these doctors ever even seen a vagina before?

Last time we saw poor Eve Panzarino, his 'ditch had miraculously not killed him yet

But then I saw this guy's surgery aftermath. Really, was this a vaginoplasty? I can't even say the surgeon did the basic first step of "get rid of penis". The surgical results are so bad I almost feel pity for this troon. Almost.

Dr. Marcio Littleton

And finally I don't really look into any of the doctors mentioned in this thread, but since Dr. Littleton's results are apparently the top of the line I decided to look into his website's FAQ page to see what he says about his surgical techniques. The FAQ is in Portuguese so I provided some translated tidbits below.

Spoiler: Even "Cisgender" women get this surgery for their vaginas!

What is the technique most frequently used for transgenitalization by Dr. Marcio Littleton?

A: To construct the clitoral hood and labia minora, part of the skin of the penis is used; to construct the labia majora, part of the scrotal sac is used; the glans is carefully used to construct the clitoris with sensitivity, and the mucosa graft extracted from the jejunum is used as a lining for the vaginal canal. Because it is a pink and naturally moist mucosa, it closely resembles the natural vaginal canal. In this way, we aim to create a canal with elasticity and depth similar to the natural canal. The functionality allows the penis to be accommodated when penetrated and produces natural lubrication, as the mucus produced by the goblet cells of the jejunal mucosa is a thin liquid very similar to vaginal lubrication. This technique has been used to construct vaginas in cisgender women for 40 years in Europe and can provide a canal with the same functionality as natural vaginas. The use of mucosa in the vaginas of transgender women can be considered an advance over the use of skin, as nature itself chose mucosa to line vaginas, and it is a technique that works for both cisgender and transgender women.

Spoiler: Penile inversion technique = bad for bikinis. The horror.

- Why does Dr. Marcio Littleton not choose the penile inversion and scrotal pouch technique?

A: Techniques that use skin from the penis and scrotum to create the vaginal canal produce visible scars on the sides of the vulva that prevent the use of small bikinis and can cause embarrassment during sexual intercourse because they are visible, especially on shaved vulvas. In addition, they do not allow for the construction of small labia or the clitoral hood and are associated with problems in the canal made from the skin of the penis and scrotum, which can cause bad odor due to natural skin peeling, less elasticity than the mucosa, the presence of hair, lack of lubrication because the skin does not secrete mucus, and there is also a greater tendency for shortening in length and diameter, as well as the need for frequent dilations.

Spoiler: Stinkditches are just like the real thing! Except well...maybe not.

How is the depth of the vagina defined?

A: With the technique we often use, we are not limited by the amount of skin on the penis or scrotum. Thus, the depth of the vagina will range from the labia majora to the sac surrounding the intra-abdominal organs, i.e., it is anatomically identical to that of women born with a vagina, as they have this anatomical depth. In addition, as the vaginal mucosa is elastic, it accommodates different penis sizes when penetrated. The difference would be comparable to a rubber glove and a leather glove.

Spoiler: Ladies, has your vagina ever "dripped"?

- Does the vagina made with mucosa extracted from the jejunum “drip” secretion?

A: The vagina is made only with mucosa removed from the jejunum and not with the entire intestine, as in the case of vaginas made from the colon. As soon as the patient recovers from surgery, the amount of moisture produced by this mucosa is very similar to that of a woman born with a vagina. In addition, the fluid produced by the mucosa is rich in IgA antibodies, characteristic of this mucosa, which help protect the vagina against infections and unpleasant odors.

 

[OnionMuncher]

your links are very borked, I assume from mobile posting unfortunately.

Fuck. Mobile fag and drunk I'll figure it out when I get back on my computer or i wont i dont really wanna go through every filthy poona tuna to find that one slimy dog. Ill try again without embed

📚 Megathread Post in thread 'SRS and GRS surgeons and associated horrors'

Oct 30, 2021

If it wasn't for the scarred leg next to it, I'd think they skinned a white person for their sausage. Pretty sure BBC isn't that pasty.

Given the weight of a skintube compared to an actual penis + the lack of natural structure holding it there, is flopping one's grafted dick around like that really the best idea?

Yeah, pretty sure it's paler than any other area of her skin because of poor blood supply. She's posted several videos of herself "playing with" and doing all manners of unnatural stuff to her flesh wrap while other Aydens cheer her on in the comments and state...

• Peaches Demure

Reactions: x 13 x 27 x 3 x 5 x 3 x 21

https://kiwifarms.st/threads/srs-and-grs-surgeons-and-associated-horrors.76786/post-10332342

 

[Drugged Flamingo]

Last time we saw poor Eve Panzarino, his 'ditch had miraculously not killed him yet despite looking like it was ready to help him meet his maker

This is one of the funniest amholes I’ve seen here. It just looks like they permanently tucked his penis away.

 

[Aquarius]

Spoiler: FTM Booba

Hey! I think I know that guy!

Spoiler

Here's a procedure I don't post often, but counts as a "gender confirmation" procedure: VFS, or "vocal feminization" surgery (also known as "gender-affirming voice surgery.")

I played the before and after videos several times and I cannot hear a difference. These surgeries always seem to obliterate the voice’s volume with minimal to no changes in pitch.

 

[Shakira Flabbergasted]

When I get back, I have a nice antibiotic-resistant pseudomonas infection that I don't think anyone's posted yet.

Spoiler: Preamble

I didn't forget about this, btw. It just took me this long to get back to my main computer that has the screenshots on it. As promised, here's an old post I screenshotted of an especially experimental SRS procedure I don't think I've encountered anywhere else. Unfortunately, there's no archive because I was a novice in the ways of New Zealand bird agriculture at the time, and the OP deleted her account not long after posting (it has a throwaway username, but other posts on the account were years old). This was actually my first wild SRS encounter, so my documentation was very clumsy, but I hope it's still of interest to some.

German pooner u/ThrowRA-Worriedidk almost lost her arm because her butcher was attempting to create a neo-urethra out of a skin graft by, as far as I can tell, sticking a clear plastic tube in her arm with the graft wrapped around it and just kinda leaving it there. Unsurprisingly, it developed a severe antibiotic-resistant infection and the patient was left with no new urethra, nerve damage, and a gnarly scar. I am very disappointed to have lost track of her because, despite the horrors documented below, she is bound and determined to try to create her future rotdog using the same arm.

The last part of her post demonstrates that, even though we do our best in this thread to expose the harsh realities of SRS, there are always people who can't be helped with facts and information, but rather need a strong dose of antipsychotics. She tries to use her own experiences to warn interested strangers away from getting phalloplasty, while also admitting that she can't be dissuaded from the self-mutilation route, despite knowing another pooner whose own rotdog did what rotdogs do best and rotted right off.

Spoiler: Screenshots

Attempted new urethra for my upcoming RFF phalloplasty. Got infected with multiresistent pseudomonas. Finally had to have it removed after two hospitalisations, IV and oral antibiotics and daily washes with strong disinfectants. All I have to show for my effort is nerve damage and scar contracture.

As the title says, this was meant to be a prep stage for RFF (Radial Forearm Flap) phalloplasty (aka build your own dick out of your arm skin if you lost your dick or were born without one).

These past three months have been absolute hell. I had a skin transplant into my arm, which was later meant to become my new urethra. The hospital does it like this becasue they believe it reduces the risk of urethral fistulas developing after transplanting and crafting the penis. I took excellent care of it, I kept it clean, I followed doctor's orders closely... and it was all for nothing because I caught a pseudomonas infection. It's likely I had it already when I was still in the hospital after surgery, but there's no way to know. When I switched to washing with saline instead of a strong disinfectant (as per doctor's orders) the infection flared up so dramatically, I was crying in pain within 24 hours. Thus began the worst two months of recent memory.

They gave me six different antibiotics in total. The infection developed a resistance to the stuff I was given at the first hospital. And the second hospital sent me home. A little over a week later, there was fresh pus, but they said it wasn't bad enough to warrant giving antibiotics. The disinfectant washes did nothing to get rid of the infection and merely kept it at bay. I requested the removal of the transplant immediately but had to wait another three weeks.

When I could finally go home a few days later, everyone told me how I had been so "off" for the past three months. I finally feel myself again too. I have an appetite, I have energy, I can think and enjoy things again. During the infection I felt really weird. Not depressed or anxious, just... distorted. As soon as the transplant was removed, I became more normal again.

This whole thing has delayed my penis-getting journey by a good 3 months at least. I have decided to get the surgery without a urethral lengthening - aka they place a hole surgically for me to pee out of at the base of the dick, instead of faffing around with a neo-urethra. I am absolutely not dealing with this bullshit a second time.

Lessons learned for me:

1. Conservative treatment can fail. I always had it in my head that if I just tried harder and did everything perfect, I could avoid surgeries. Complications happen - boy do I know that already - but I thought that an infection could always be treated. I did not really think about how sometimes, treatment means complete reversal of a previous, wanted surgery.
2. Scar contracture sucks. Sure, the nerve injury is a pain (literally) but I seem to react very well to gabapentin (and it's helping my pre-existing spasticity somewhat - double win!). My fingers and thumb constantly feel either numb, wet, like they're on fire, or like they're being electrocuted. Depends on how swollen the arm is. But the scar contracture is really upsetting to me. I am massaging the scar, stretching my wrist... but that's kinda all I can do.

-----------------

Edit: I forgot that being visibly trans online gets all the weirdos coming out of the woodwork. Shoutout to the mod team for burning the midnight oil and keeping things under control. Sorry that me sharing my arm rotting got people acting like dicks about me getting a dick.

To answer a common question certain people had though: I am getting phallo because it is medically necessary. That is a decision that was made by a lot of people who would really rather I didn't need to get phallo because it costs them a lot of money. I had a LOT of therapy, I tried a LOT of different things from gaslighting myself that I was just insane and needed to get over my freudian penis envy over having a professional gaslight me for a hefty sum per session, aall the way to prosthetics and having the first phallo stage go terribly, terribly wrong (the result of which you can see above).

I am going to get phallo and I am hopeful that they will use the same arm again so I can have all the nerve damage isolated to that one side. Judging by how much better meta made me feel, phallo will do some truly wonderful things for my mental health and sex life. And to those who are DM'ing me about phallo because they are considering it: it's a last resort kind of surgery. It sucks, it's agony and it's got a ton of potential complications. if you want to do this, be extremely picky about the surgeon, surgery type and listen carefully to people's horror stories. And if you're me, you'll do it anyway despite knowing a guy who's penis lost blood flow within a few hours after surgery and who needed it removed in emergency surgery.

Oh also stop smoking immediately. Most wound healing issues, be it top surgery or bottom surgery, and most partial graft losses are due to smoking.

Spoiler: Images

I included her original captions as alt text. I did not upload the screenshots I took of the captions because this is a huge post already, but I have them if anyone wants to see them.

Spoiler: Comments

I apologize in advance for not transcribing each comment and for the low quality of the images. Towards the end of the comments, I encountered a brave few risking their Reddit accounts by trying to reason with OP, but to no avail. I assume this is what OP was referring to by "weirdos coming out of the woodwork." She gets extremely passive aggressive with them and starts sounding hilariously female.

While going through her post history, I found some things that sadly (and predictably) explain the level of mental illness that results in choosing to be medically experimented on rather than accepting YWNBAM. I will be posting these separately because this post is long enough and I want to transcribe the text so it's easier to read.

 

[JohnnyG]

Unsurprisingly, it developed a severe antibiotic-resistant infection

The 6 different antibiotics she mentions is nuts, if true. Normally you:
- start with a broad spectrum antibiotic, maybe two if you really have no clue what it is
- escalate to a powerful targeted one, which aren't given out like candy (since they'll lose effectiveness, and have nasty side effects)
- as a last resort, hospital admittance + IV tier drugs (possible organ damage, round the clock monitoring)

That gets you to 3 or maybe 4. But even stuff like MRSA wouldn't take 4 drugs, because when you test positive they jump straight to IV. This gender goblin blasted through half a dozen of the most powerful and dangerous drugs, plus countless medical resources, helping breed superbugs we can't kill, in pursuit of her fetish/mental illness.

 

[Julie Newmar]

Can’t reply directly, but a question for any men or doctors here: are male urethras that fucking wide?? I got an itty bitty kidney stone stuck in my ureter and it was hell; if y’all’s ureters are the same size, I can’t imagine it keeping up the pressure once it hits the fucking spillway in your dick

 

[Geoff Capes Vapes Apes]

Can’t reply directly, but a question for any men or doctors here: are male urethras that fucking wide?? I got an itty bitty kidney stone stuck in my ureter and it was hell; if y’all’s ureters are the same size, I can’t imagine it keeping up the pressure once it hits the fucking spillway in your dick

No, no they are not . If my urethra was the size of a 1/2 inch pipe like that abomination I'd need a bladder pressurised to about 5 bar to use a urinal without getting pissy shoes.

Having had kidney stones before it's actually worse for us as we have longer urethras to piss sand down.

 

[Julie Newmar]

No, no they are not . If my urethra was the size of a 1/2 inch pipe like that abomination I'd need a bladder pressurised to about 5 bar to use a urinal without getting pissy shoes.

Having had kidney stones before it's actually worse for us as we have longer urethras to piss sand down.

Yeah, the actual urethra bit wasn’t quite so god-awful, but I definitely didn’t wanna add inches to the journey by any means.

 

[Geoff Capes Vapes Apes]

I'm imagining this pooner walking up to a urinal in the gents, whipping out a pasty, corpse-flesh fauxcock with the dimensions of a monster can and completely voiding her bladder in about 1.5 seconds. So valid, so masculine.

 

[Shakira Flabbergasted]

While going through her post history, I found some things that sadly (and predictably) explain the level of mental illness that results in choosing to be medically experimented on rather than accepting YWNBAM. I will be posting these separately because this post is long enough and I want to transcribe the text so it's easier to read.

Post number one describes more direct complications of surgery, specifically "searing pain" and scar adhesion at u/ThrowRA-Worriedidk's hysterectomy site. Notably, she namedrops HEDS, an affliction which is known to be common among both female munchies and pooners, hinting at a host of psychological issues which will be further elaborated on in some of her other posts.

Spoiler: Screenshot

Searing, burning abdominal pain when I turn onto my side or lie flat - near my hysterectomy scar
Just to be clear: To the best of my sleep-deprived assessment, this is not an emergency, but it is urgent.

28M (trans), 2 weeks post hysterectomy. Pre-existing conditions of Ehlers Danlos Syndrome (hypermobile subtype) and endometriosis. 170 cm tall, 70 kg. Taking Testosterone gel. Non smoker, do not drink. The acute issue has been ongoing for two hours and is slowly worsening.

I have had a fair bit of pain and strong scar adhesions. I've been unsuccessfully trying to massage the scar to help with the adhesions since the end of week one, limited success. Under the scar is rock hard, nodular swelling.

I woke up at 2 am in agony. It is now 4 am. Strong, burning pain just off to the right of my laprotomy scar (horizontal incision line). It is tender and painful to the touch, it is more swollen than it was when I went to sleep and I cannot turn onto my right side without searing pain now. I cannot lay flat with my legs stretched out without searing pain. I cannot even take a deep breath into my stomach without pain. It is getting worse, so now I am lying on my back with my knees angled and it still continuously hurts. As I lie here, I'd rate the pain a 5-6. When I try to turn, it's a good 8+.

No increased redness, no pus, no fever. So it seems like a mostly stable, slowly worsening situation, but not an emergency.

I don't want to go to A&E, so I will go see my GP as soon as they open in four hours.

Can someone reassure me that this is probably just scar tissue pinching a nerve? The positional pain increase and persistence worry me.

Another post of hers in the same subreddit talks about her experiencing some concerning neurological issues as well as being diagnosed with Aspergers. It really helps paint a picture of just who the Germans are medically experimenting on these days, and backs up what someone else was saying about Josef Mengele being born too early. If any medfags want to venture a guess as to what might be going on here, your speculation would be appreciated.

Spoiler: Screenshot

Handwriting suddenly turns illegible mid sentence for minutes at a time
28M, I'm slightly overweight (BMI 25), taking Levothyroxin. I have a history of chronic pain and hemidystonia from Ehlers Danlos Syndrome (diagnosed five years ago), as well as aspergers. No drinks, smokes or drugs.

Long story short:

I am an artist, so this is a very concerning issue to me.

I very rarely have my handwriting turn into scribbles mid writing. It becomes like trying to push lead around, trying to write. I remain able to speak and type during these episodes and I am still putting the letters down in the correct order etc, but the shapes are deformed, way too big and so hard to control, they still are illegible. Then, after a few minutes, it just goes back to normal again. No other physiological symptoms during episodes. No mental health symptoms during episodes. Has been going on for 7 years.

Short story long:

The issue has been going on and off for about 7 years now. One day, in the middle of taking notes for a class, I felt my fingers slip on the pen slightly, it became harder to grip and it was as if I had to write using my arm instead of my finger tips. Middle of paragraph. No warning signs, it didn't first go a bit unsteady and get worse and worse, it just suddenly turned into scribbles. I lost track of the line I was writing in, my letters became jagged, slanted messes, taking much longer to write and much larger on the page. I felt fine going up to it and physically/mentally fine during the episode (no dizziness, palpitations, confusion...) I was in class and felt very anxious because I thought something had to be wrong with my physically. I tried to power through it, but a single word took a long time to write and was barely legible, even though I knew I had written it. I put my pen down to calm down.

And just as soon as it had begun, a few minutes later, I tried again and my handwriting was back to normal.

Since then, this has happened a few more times. I had initially completely forgotten about the first incident, putting it down as a weird anxiety thing or whatever. But then it happened again and I remembered. It always happens the same and I just need to wait it out. It does not seem to be an issue with word processing, as I can talk and even type normally during those episodes. But very specifically the motor functions needed to hand write or draw go out the window (drawings turn similarly into scribbles).

I unfortunately cannot find a piece of paper right now that shows this strange devolvement and re-gaining of writing ability. It happens rarely enough (maybe once or twice in a year) that I have not really cared to bring it up.

So obviously the dystonia could cause my handwriting to go all weird, but so far, it has been isolated to the left half of my body (non dominant) while I write with my right hand (dominant). So before I freak out and assume that it is getting worse, I just wanted to ask if there are any other differentials to consider.

I have very, very poor medical management of my dystonia and do not have a neurologist anymore. If I go to my GP about a referral, I at least want to know what I'm talking about.

Sorry for the long post, just trying to follow the "Please include detailed information" rule. I am an artist and have been doing less hand drawn art because somewhere at the back of my mind is this assumption that it can happen again.

Not going to transcribe this one since it's mostly irrelevant whining, but I'm including it because it was interesting to me how she describes "a cosmetic surgery coming up in the next 6-9 months." It's interesting she calls whatever surgery she is referring to here "cosmetic," since she insists her phalloplasty was "medically necessary." It does roughly fit the timeframe, since she posted about her phalloplasty complications about 12 months after she made this post. If she is actually referring to a different surgery and not the one that gave her an infection, I wonder why anyone thought it was a good idea to schedule her experimental urethra surgery for only one or two months after she got cosmetic surgery.

Spoiler: Screenshot

Finally, we have some posts that shed light on her difficult childhood and the possible source of her issues. If you guessed "child sexual abuse," I'm sorry to say you are correct. Apparently she has been told by a doctor that her physical issues and her trauma are linked, but dismisses this sound advice as medical gaslighting. She specifically mentions avoiding telling her therapist about being abused, because she fears being told she's "not actually trans."

One small caveat to this tale of woe is that OP does apparently believe in the disgraced theory of repressed memories of abuse, so if you're on the fence about this having happened at all, your doubts would not be entirely unfounded. Personally, I find some parts detailed enough to be convincing (at least, I believe that she probably had an older classmate who was a creep to her), but I'm not at all convinced that she managed to completely forget about the "hazy parts" for 15 years. I do believe that she believes this all happened but, notably, even professionals are skeptical of her claiming to have lost her memories and regained them again.

Spoiler: Screenshot

I am coming to terms with what happened to me when I was ten
cw for sexual abuse I guess

It hurts to write that.

I hope this is allowed. I tried to read the rules, I hope I didn't miss any.

Idk why I am posting this here. Maybe to yell into the void. Maybe because when I told this to a doctor years ago, they said that meant my physical ailments were psychological and to stop wasting people's time. Turns out I actually was just chronically ill AND traumatised. Funny how you can have two things at once I guess. Plus, if I tell my therapist, she will say I'm not actually trans, just traumatised and trauma therapy will cure me of being trans. Been there, tried that, it doesn't work.

I'm rambling to not say what happened.

When I was about 10, 11 years old, between fifth and sixth grade, I was sexually abused. My memories are hazy. I completely blocked it out for years and slowly have been regaining these memories a decade and a half later.

I'm autistic. I struggle to know what is acceptable, what is normal.

It was a classmate. He was already in puberty and he was a few years older than me. We would hide in the bushes behind school. He would make me kiss him. I thought we were playing house. When I stopped being comfortable with how he touched me, I told him I didn't want to play anymore. He started telling me that he had an uncle who was a doctor and who said that if I don't kiss him (the class mate) he would get really sick or die. And that he would get better if I did what he told me to do.

First it was kisses. Then hugs and kisses. Then putting our naked stomachs against one another. I have a memory gap but the last time we talked, he said his uncle said I just needed to let him have sex with me one more time aand then he would leave me alone. I remember saying no. I cannot remember him having sex with me at all, despite what he said. But I do remember him putting his hands down my pants and fingering me. It was unpleasant, scary and felt wrong.

I don't know what all else happened back there. I hate receiving oral. I don't enjoy sex very much. I don't like to touch myself at all. I like to pleasure my partner but for my own pleasure I just want it all to be quick, intense and then to cuddle. I have developed some fucked up kinks that I just try to ignore. But it is just difficult for me.

As I mentioned earlier, I tried to get treatment for trauma a few years ago. My therapist didn't believe me that anything happened because I have memory gaps. She said it couldn't have even been that bad. Since it was a classmate, not an adult. once someone said that obviously I just regret the sex because I was inexperienced. But I don't "regret" the sex. I never consented to it. I was too young to consent. I was coerced and pressured. I was gullible. My brain doesn't work like most people's brains, I am more vulnerable to manipulation and abuse and I was abused.

I guess I just needed to say all this out loud. Or write it at least.

I don't want to ever see him ever again. I don't think I will seek therapy for this again. I have made my peace with most of my traumas. I will make peace with this one too. Maybe someone here has advice or experience how you made peace with things that happened, especially things that you cannot fully remember.

I just wish this had never happened to me.

Her second (extremely fucking long) post in r/offmychest, written a year later, briefly mentions the sexual abuse but mostly concerns her being bullied at school and emotionally abused at home. Note that her reported sexual and gender confusion postdates the alleged sexual abuse, surprising no one. At some points, what she describes as abuse does seem concerning, but at others it mostly seems like standard old-fashioned parenting practices (tying privileges to good grades, etc). To me, this says that mental and emotional fragility are character traits of hers rather than solely a result of abuse. She also demonstrates a lifelong pathological aversion to counseling/actually being honest with counselors, seemingly because she's afraid of being told she's not right about absolutely everything and may actually need to work on herself.

Spoiler: Screenshot

I wanted to run away from home
CW for sexual, physical and mental abuse, suicidal ideation and idk. Teenage angst I suppose.

When I was... gosh, maybe 12, 13? I was severely depressed. I wanted to kms, I was desperately unhappy and every day was torture. It was a lot of little things. I was severely psychologically bullied in school and it was turning physical. I was working through figuring out that I was queer and had the first inclination that I was trans but I had no words for what I felt. All I knew was that puberty was extremely painful and I hated it. I was deeply repressing some sexual trauma I went through at around 11. And worst of all, I hated being at home when my father was there. And he had just lost his job and started working from home full time.

He was emotionally abusive. He would have violent outbursts, never hurting us but he would smash and break things like a door and a lamp, once he even smashed a car's windshield in anger because he tripped and hurt his ankle. I was so scared of those moments. It hurt and it made home unbearably tense for me. Every night at dinner it was a gamble if it would go well or poorly. I had a lot of pressure to perform well in school (anything but an A was not enough) and my hobbies and passions were threatened to be taken away whenever I slipped up. To the outside, everything had to look just fine and dandy and perfect, happy family. It could have been worse. But I just couldn't handle it.

To top it all off, I was undiagnosed autistic and had very few words and tools to cope with all this. So whenever my parents would fight I would just dream about dying... or disappearing.

I packed a spare backpack. It was play pretend at first. I hoarded some cash. $70 I think or something in that ballpark, from a summer job I had as a 10 yo. I hid the cash in the backpack and packed some things little me thought were essential. Water bottle, old tupperware, a bowl and spoon, rope, a blanket, a sweater, socks and underwear, one change of clothes for summer and winter. Over time I adjusted the contents, adding a compass, a pocket knife, a nature guide for identifying plants and some more cash in small change. I calculated my money by how many bread rolls I could buy with it. And how far I could run away. I didn't really plan to go anywhere. Just away. I am not sure what I planned to do once I got away. I would usually fantasize about living in the woods in a make shift encampment. Maybe some other homeless people would find me and let me take shelter in exchange for something (I was pretty messed up and very, very desperate). Or maybe I could just walk into the woods and die in my sleep from hypothermia. I wouldn't have minded that.

Once the bag was packed, I left it standing in the corner (maybe it was under my bed? I can't remember) and didn't touch it for months. But I remember two very distinct times that I tried to run away for real. Or well. I wanted to.

First time I had the bag.

My parents were fighting. Idk what about but they were loud, my mom was crying, my younger siblings were upset and I just... broke. I went to my room, took the bag and walked out the door. I didn't get far. Just to the gate. I just couldn't do it.

I went back inside, feeling like a complete failure of a human on every level. Too weak to run away. Too pathetic to protect my family. Too cowardly to die.

Second time, I didn't have the bag.

This time there was no real trigger. I was at a swimming pool with my grandparents and siblings. Idk if my parents were there. I had gone out ahead, waiting in the parking lot. And for some reason, I felt the intense compulsion that now was the time. It was time for me to just walk away from it all. Be free. Go into the woods and then wander off across the country until I died. I walked into the woods away from the parking lot. But then reality hit me again. Where would I go? I wasn't familiar with the area, I couldn't bear the idea of being found by the cops and having to go back. Having to go to counseling. Being told what a pathetic loser I was for taking the cowards way out. Having my picture perfect parents tell people how their kid was just crazy because everything was just fine at home, right? I didn't have my backpack, I didn't have my money. I wouldn't get far and then what would I do? I wouldn't get a second chance. Either this worked the first time or...

I went back to the car park. Everyone had been waiting. My grandmother admonished me for wandering off and we went home.

In the year after, some things changed. I transferred classes because the teachers finally couldn't deny the bullying anymore. I had my first queer relationships. I did more summer jobs and earned more money. My home life was the same as before but I grew more emotionally distant and started counting the days until I was an adult.

I don't remember when or why. Maybe someone found the backpack (I think maybe my mom found it and asked what it was for?) and after some lie of "oh it's for a school trip" or "oh it's for play pretend!" I quickly unpacked it and never re-assembled it. I never tried to run away again.

And I never had to.

When I turned 18, I moved halway across the country, got mental health treatment and soon thereafter started to transition. 10 years have passed. My depression and trauma are better than ever and I am taking hormones to help ease the anguish of having gone through the wrong puberty. I even have an okay relationship with my parents now. I have an amazing husband. I have supportive, wonderful friends. I have a good job that pays well.

If I had run away, my life would have taken a much, much different and probably much worse turn. If I had been forced into the mental health system in my country and therapists had learned what I was going through, I have no doubt I'd have been put through conversion therapy and probably would not be alive today. I am so glad that times have changed. And I wish nobody has to ever go through what I went through.

It does get better. I wouldn't have believed it at the time, but it did get better. And today I am glad that I stopped myself both times. Even if my reasons were toxic nonsense (I was not pathetic or cowardly or any of that. I was an abused child in pain trying not to be in pain anymore), I am glad they were enough to stop me.

I have never, ever told anyone that I tried to run away. Not even my friends. Not even my partner. Not even my therapists. You are the only ones that know because you do not know me. I have had some extreme shame over wanting to run away. My naivety is astounding in retrospect and I can to this day feel the excrutiating pain I felt and the sweet promise of relief and freedom I promised myself lay in the woods. And I pity my childhood self for just how severe my depression was.

Thank you for reading my rambles. I am sorry if it was a bit intense... I cried a lot while writing this. I'm not entirely sure what I am looking for. Personal stories of other people? Someone to tell me what my inner voice was telling me all along, how ridiculous and pathetic all this was? Comfort or advice for how you have healed from the embarrassment and shame of trying to run away?

 

[WitchyBitchy]

Just saw this. Unsure of where to put it, but Children's Wisconsin is halting "pharmacologic care" for gender affirming purposes. So, at least more kids won't get thrown onto drugs (for now)? They're still providing therapy though. (First time archiving)

 

[JohnnyG]

One small caveat to this tale of woe is that OP does apparently believe in the disgraced theory of repressed memories of abuse, so if you're on the fence about this having happened at all
I'm not at all convinced that she managed to completely forget about the "hazy parts" for 15 years.

I completely believe that many of these gender goblins were molestered into their troonery (it's how the eunuchs reproduce, etc). But I'm also sure that many of these hypochondriacs/munchies/attention whores, with an alphabet soup of self-diagnosed, vague-symptom ailments, invent tales of woe to add to their "gotta catch em all" pity lists.

So for every kid who was groomed by uncle, you have a woman like this who played doctor with another 10yr old ages ago, but suddenly remembers her "trauma" now that it's fashionable to be a "survivor".

(Also @Shakira Flabbergasted if you're able to include links in the future, some of us like to check the replies or just perform our patriotic duty by down-dooting these freaks)

 

[Shakira Flabbergasted]

(Also @Shakira Flabbergasted if you're able to include links in the future, some of us like to check the replies or just perform our patriotic duty by down-dooting these freaks)

I usually try to, but these screenshots were taken a year ago and she DFE'd not even a week after I took them. I went back to archive her posts and they were gone, which I confess demoralized me so much I haven't posted the screenshots until now. Nowadays I archive immediately so it doesn't happen again.