@Mound Dweller cooking thread - Welcome to 5 star br*t*sh cuisine n’wah

stares at error messages said:
Thank you. It tasted very good and was filling. People who use double bread are dumb, in my book. I toasted the bread in the pan in the meat fat and added butter. I used fancy cheese and it was worth it.

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It's ok, i forgive you

But not Mound Dweller, he will suffer... greatly!
 
I'm waiting for some bread to get ready and took some time to devise proper punishments for mound dweller

1 - Have all his knives dulled (bread knives get teeth removed)
2 - All his pans and pots get their handles removed
3 - Embargo his house so he can't buy mayo (he can make it but only with a fouet)
4 - All cutlery taken away and replaced with a single spork, with a drill in the middle just like in Russian prisons
5 - Oven gets tilted at a slight 80 degree so no liquids spread uniformly, he also gets just one functional burner

I'll think of more lately

Punishment will continue til cookery improves

It is so decreed
 
Agamemnon Busmalis said:
Hopefully toasted rye bread for my legendary tuna salad sandwich.

You can add coarsely chopped celery if you want to the tuna salad recipe for added crunch...I just don't really like celery.
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It was a sourdough bread in bulk fermentation (7 days)

I made herb butter with thyme, rosemary, parsley, and lemon zest. Also a tomato paste, made with confit cherry tomatoes, basil, pepper and star anise
 
souschef said:
It was a sourdough bread in bulk fermentation (7 days)
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Ooh, that's nice. Can already imagine how it'd be toasted with some fresh, good quality butter...

souschef said:
I made herb butter with thyme, rosemary, parsley, and lemon zest. Also a tomato paste, made with confit cherry tomatoes, basil, pepper and star anise
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A little too fancy for my tastes but sounds spectacular.
 
The Great One said:
Cooking Kate on tiktok made these.
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And you see why the British invented divorce.

That's too many colours. It's not right.

I don't know why she's making everything into ice cubes and then melting them on the stove. Beans already come cooked you don't have to preserve them with freezing.
 
Something that would elevate this thread to a higher status is if Mound Dweller challenged kiwis to a cook off. Find three recipes for three nights worth of dinner and upload the results so everyone can vote on which one, based on visuals alone, looks the most edible.
 
Levi said:
Something that would elevate this thread to a higher status is if Mound Dweller challenged kiwis to a cook off.
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Yes, 🐟/🐄.
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Levi said:
everyone can vote on which one, based on visuals alone, looks the most edible
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I'm on board with the idea of a cook-off, but I have to differ on this point: dishes should be judged on browness, condiment chunk (?) placement, and visual ambiguity. Vegetables are forbidden. It should be about which chef can truly dwell within the mound rather that which kiwi watched a couple youtube tutorial.

If you want to defeat the man, you must do so on his terms.
 
Normal-Style Human said:
I'm on board with the idea of a cook-off, but I have to differ on this point: dishes should be judged on browness, condiment chunk (?) placement, and visual ambiguity. Vegetables are forbidden. It should be about which chef can truly dwell within the mound rather that which kiwi watched a couple youtube tutorial.

If you want to defeat the man, you must do so on his terms.
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Then maybe the better approach is if he writes up the recipes for the specific set dishes for the challenges and the Kiwis can omit their approach within the set limitations?

This would require a tiny bit of effort posting on @Mound Dweller's end ultimately for these to work if he'd be up for it.
 
Levi said:
Then maybe the better approach is if he writes up the recipes for the specific set dishes for the challenges and the Kiwis can omit their approach within the set limitations?

This would require a tiny bit of effort posting on @Mound Dweller's end ultimately for these to work if he'd be up for it.
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Set meals? I'm not a chynese restaurant :jacepout:
I suppose we might try something basic: BEEF + chips
1. Take BEEF out of fridge, douse in olive oil, and leave to set on plate for at least 30 minutes to achieve room temperature so as to ensure an even grill, apply salt/pepper liberally.
2. Meanwhile, leave oven to warm up, I use 220 Celsius for pretty much everything, ensure baking tray is preloaded to middle layer to ensure an even bake, plate up chips on plate in advance to determine desired portion.
3. Whilst waiting for oven to warm up, tenderize BEEF liberally by hand as desired, really squish it up, add additional salt/pepper as desired.
4. Stick the chips in the baking tray as soon as the oven is ready, I like to leave them in at least 40 minutes so they're nice and crispy, don't bother turning them around, don't forget your timer!
5. Whilst waiting for chips to bake, do whatever, once chips are done to satisfaction plate them up and cover with a teatowel, to retain heat/moisture.
6. Stick a grill pan on the hob, full heat, drop a tiny bit of butter in; as soon as it evaporates into steam you'll know it's hot enough.
7. Pan grill prepared BEEF for no more than 2 minutes on each side, apply pressure with fork as desired to achieve aesthetic grill-marks.
8. Put heat down to minimum after doing the 2 mins per side, flip every moment or so as desired, you will know when it is done when the fat begins to dissolve; remove from pan IMMEDIATELY as soon as this is spotted or it will be OVERDONE.
9. Remove teatowel from plate and apply BEEF atop the cooked chips to mingle flavoursome juices, re apply teatowel atop BEEF, leave to set till it stops smoking, reapply salt/pepper liberally and mayonnaise as desired.
10. Enjoy meal, wash up as soon as you're done eating or you're a lazy slob.

Attached reference image: Baking tray, BEEF on plate, grill pan on hob.
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I am hungry so I will be making this tomorrow or the day after, and I have a freezer full of the stuff to respond to any would be competition too :jaceknife:
 
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English food doesn't present well even when up to par, famously - I can't really deduct points for looks. Aren't you constipated eating like that?

souschef said:
I'm waiting for some bread to get ready and took some time to devise proper punishments for mound dweller

1 - Have all his knives dulled (bread knives get teeth removed)
2 - All his pans and pots get their handles removed
3 - Embargo his house so he can't buy mayo (he can make it but only with a fouet)
4 - All cutlery taken away and replaced with a single spork, with a drill in the middle just like in Russian prisons
5 - Oven gets tilted at a slight 80 degree so no liquids spread uniformly, he also gets just one functional burner

I'll think of more lately

Punishment will continue til cookery improves

It is so decreed
Click to expand...
He does not strike me as the type to own sharp knives. Most people don't even own very sharp knives, though they might have a few good ones kicking around.
 
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