Are you lost needing femoid advice post here - For the poor bastard's who dare or are just curious

[Me•cha•ni•cal]

So, I have been with my girlfriend for six months now and the relationship is great. But there is one thing in particular that I have a problem with, which I have discussed with her a couple of times already openly.
I don’t have that much time because I am studying and having good marks and graduation is important to me. I just can’t half-ass stuff even if I would like to. It’s like a compulsion. She also studies but has way more time than me.
She understands this and we have decided that usually Friday afternoon and evening is reserved time, only for the two of us. If I have time we’ll do Wednesday evening too.

She understands and supports me and my studying but would like more time with me, which is understandable and something I’d like to do too. But it just isn’t possible.
It has gotten better, but often times when she has to leave, she is really sad, to the point where she cries. Like I said, this has gotten much better. But I don’t want her to just hold back tears because she knows I don’t like it. I want her to actually not be this sad. It is pretty difficult for me to handle this situation as it can be quite exhausting (and I obviously don’t like seeing her cry).
I think this is an overreaction and I can’t understand this level of reaction. We text or talk on the phone each evening for one to two hours. I know it’s not the same but it’s not like we don’t communicate during the time we don’t see each other.
I’d be interested in your guys’ opinion. Is she overreacting? Am I too emotionless? Is this just a difference between the sexes? Did anyone experience something similar?

I was hoping that there may be a good way to work on it so we can better handle it. I have proposed she'd mention it to her therapist, but she hasn't had the opportunity to do so yet. Was hoping you might offer a new perspective on the situation or maybe had something similar in a relationship and could provide some insight.

I’m sorry but this is such a messed up and emotionally immature way of reasoning.

Your girlfriend is sad and cries because she doesn’t get to spend enough time with you. Your solution to fix this overreaction she has while expressing that she’s not having her emotional needs met, is for her to learn how to suppress them in therapy.

Having her go to therapy to ”fix” how unfulfilled she is in your relationship and to keep you from having to make compromises is fucking cruel. Is she really the problem that needs fixing here? Or would she be happier with someone who can actually give her the time of day?

Clearly it seems like you’re comfortable with the arrangement you’ve got going on right now - as you describe the relationship as great - but she is obviously not. If shes telling you she wants more quality time, is actively expressing how unhappy she is by crying, and your response is being a dismissive asshole by telling her she’s overreacting - maybe it’s time for you both to find someone more compatible.

 

[A Cat in a Minefield]

I’m sorry but this is such a messed up and emotionally immature way of reasoning.

Your girlfriend is sad and cries because she doesn’t get to spend enough time with you. Your solution to fix this overreaction she has while expressing that she’s not having her emotional needs met, is for her to learn how to suppress them in therapy.

Having her go to therapy to ”fix” how unfulfilled she is in your relationship and to keep you from having to make compromises is fucking cruel. Is she really the problem that needs fixing here? Or would she be happier with someone who can actually give her the time of day?

Clearly it seems like you’re comfortable with the arrangement you’ve got going on right now - as you describe the relationship as great - but she is obviously not. If shes telling you she wants more quality time, is actively expressing how unhappy she is by crying, and your response is being a dismissive asshole by telling her she’s overreacting - maybe it’s time for you both to find someone more compatible.

This is the most bad faith way of looking at it. I have never told her that she is overreacting. We have talked a lot about it, I have shared my viewpoint and she has shared hers. We communicate openly about it because it is our believe that it is the best thing to do to make the relationship work even under these shitty circumstances.
I have no choice. If I want to finish Uni with more then passing grades spending more time with her is just not possible even though I wish I could. She knows that. She knew I didn't have much when we started dating. It isn't like I'm spending time with my friends instead of seeing her.
I am vehemently opposed to her suppressing her emotions, because I know that'd be the worst thing for her to do. Me proposing she tell her therapist is in an effort to find good and healthy ways for her to deal with the situation. The last thing I want her doing is suppressing her tears just to "appease me", which I also have told her.
You think I like studying until 8 or 9pm so I have more quality time on the weekends that I can spend with her? Are you like retarded?

Didn't see the edit @Squanto Airi. Thanks for the recommendation! We'll be doing that this week-end!

​

 

[Me•cha•ni•cal]

I have never told her that she is overreacting.

Whether you’ve told her isn’t the issue. you’re still dismissive of her emotions since you think she’s overreacting/responding unreasonably to what you yourself describe as a shitty situation, simply by openly displaying sadness infront of you.

I am vehemently opposed to her suppressing her emotions, because I know that'd be the worst thing for her to do. Me proposing she tell her therapist is in an effort to find good and healthy ways for her to deal with the situation.

A good healthy way to deal with those emotions is to deal with their root cause, which is her being unhappy in your relationship. To deal with that you need to spend more time together. Therapy isn’t going to magically brainwash her into needing less quality time with you or just stop being unhappy.

The last thing I want her doing is suppressing her tears just to "appease me", which I also have told her.

Well that’s indirectly what you told her to do. You cry when we say goodbye after our weekly date? Yikes, that’s makes me feel uncomfortable and kinda like a shitty boyfriend. You should learn to stop crying infront of me in therapy.

You think I like studying until 8 or 9pm so I have more quality time on the weekends that I can spend with her? Are you like retarded?

I’m not judging you for prioritising your studies. I am however irked at you for coming in here asking for advice on how to get your girlfriend to adapt to being in an unfulfilling relationship with you, and most of all, telling her to ”deal with her emotions” in therapy, like she’s in the wrong for the way she feels.

As long as you keep prioritising school, your girlfriend is going to keep being unhappy and you’re going to continue to feel inadequate whenever she’s sad. Asking you to stop prioritising school is obviously unreasonable and not optional, that’s why I suggested both of you find partners you’re more compatible with.

Calling me retarded isn’t going to make this any less true, sorry bro.

 

[A Cat in a Minefield]

@Me•cha•ni•cal Well, I'm not going to break up with her and neither will she. We are openly discussing how things go and are trying to find a way to make it work as best as possible.

The relationship is to good and precious to just throw away like that. She sees it the same way, that's why she decided to stay with me, even though I can't provide the quality time she wishes I could at the moment.

A good healthy way to deal with those emotions is to deal with their root cause, which is her being unhappy in your relationship. To deal with that you need to spend more time together

Maybe you're right. We'll see how studying together will work out!

Clearly it seems like you’re comfortable with the arrangement you’ve got going on right now

I called you a retard because of this. I am clearly not, otherwise I wouldn't have posted here and asked for your opinion and advice on how to make her happier considering the circumstances.

 

[Lentil Soup]

Thank you for reading all that and I must ask.
What do you think I should do kind farmer?

I have also been the people pleasing daughter of alcoholics. My relationship with my parents has improved substantially but is still worse than normal people, but I am overall pretty happy with it now. Here is what I would suggest:

• Only interact with them when you genuinely want to. Never do it out of guilt or you will dread seeing them and even a fine visit will feel bad. I only started having good visits when I only started visiting when I wanted to. It can be hard to tell the difference between wanting to go and guilt at first and that's fine.
• When you grow up with alcoholics you become responsible for reading the room with 100% accuracy at all times and this level of vigilance becomes extremely stressful once you move out and have a normal family with a good partner and become unused to it. The vigilance will feel much worse when you go back into it but you will need to remind yourself that it can end when the visit does.
• Cliche, but consider individual therapy (NOT WITH THE PARENTS) or a program like al-anon, which is a sister organization of AA that functions as a support group for the loved ones of people with addiction issues. You need to prioritize yourself here, don't let someone push you into improving your parents by proxy because you can't. Again, cliche, but "I'm Glad My Mom Died" by Jennette Mccurdy is incredibly cathartic.
• Even if you do all this, a lot will still ride on your parents' ability and desire to improve. This is not your responsibility. It is literally impossible for you to make them change. It may get worse before it gets better, if it gets better at all. Prioritize yourself and your family first. You can't burn yourself forever to keep someone else warm.
• Ultimately you have to be yourself and live your own life. It's not theirs. Don't chase their approval when you're already better than them.

Also, do not neglect your extended family/in-laws if you were ever close to them. I pulled away from mine and it turned out they were crediting me with my parents' recovery but were shy about reaching out. Even if your parents are a mess you still have family.

 

[Two Frogs]

Again, cliche, but "I'm Glad My Mom Died" by Jennette Mccurdy is incredibly cathartic.

I'd also reccommend the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, link to archived pdf. It doesn't have any like, solutions. But it helps illuminate and explain what their fucking problem is so that it feels less random when they freak the fuck out, and explains some situations that a survivor might struggle with.

The big one is, "Why do I only like shitty people and/or only feel 'good' when I'm being treated like shit?" Whole chapter on this that explains it really well.

 

[Chromeo]

I met a guy a few years ago and our relationship has gotten closer, but I'm starting to feel lonely. We live in different states, and while we do talk online often, it feels like it's been a while since we've had an actual conversation instead of just me sending him something he may or may not reply to hours/days later.
We made a point to meet irl on Valentines this year, but he called the morning of to warn me he'd be late because of family drama (nothing physical or new/unique for his family,) then some kind of off-hours work call and his D&D group took priority the morning after, so our special valentines weekend was basically just two long car rides. I got dressed up for nothing and felt really stupid.
Recently he got a new job that works him like a dog and it feels like I never see him anymore (well, online, that is.) I know he's busy and I'm not expecting him to drop everything just to talk to me, but it feels like if I'm not the one that sends a message, he barely ever talks to me. I feel unimportant to him.
The worst of it, to me, is that he's hesitant to make us official bf/gf, because of aforementioned family drama. I'm a "date to marry" type girl, being exclusive is a default for me and I think it's important. This hesitancy to become official makes it hard to refer to what he is to me when I mention him to others, and it makes me wonder if while I'm being exclusive for him, he isn't being exclusive for me behind my back.
I'm thinking about just saying this to him, that I feel unimportant and lonely and asking him if he actually wants to be my boyfriend at some point or if I should give up on the idea of him being that in my life.
I really like him, and I think he likes me, but I'm starting to feel like I'm not a priority to him. I don't want to be selfish or anything, I just don't like how his (in)actions are making me feel. Am I just being weird over nothing? Should I tell him I'm feeling lonely outright instead of trying to be subtle or ignore it?

 

[Squanto Airi]

Yes, be direct and say it outright. The longer you wait, the worse the loneliness will get. Plus, if he doesn't reciprocate those feelings, you can cut your losses and move on to someone who will.

 

[Spooky all year]

I met a guy a few years ago and our relationship has gotten closer, but I'm starting to feel lonely. We live in different states, and while we do talk online often, it feels like it's been a while since we've had an actual conversation instead of just me sending him something he may or may not reply to hours/days later.
We made a point to meet irl on Valentines this year, but he called the morning of to warn me he'd be late because of family drama (nothing physical or new/unique for his family,) then some kind of off-hours work call and his D&D group took priority the morning after, so our special valentines weekend was basically just two long car rides. I got dressed up for nothing and felt really stupid.
Recently he got a new job that works him like a dog and it feels like I never see him anymore (well, online, that is.) I know he's busy and I'm not expecting him to drop everything just to talk to me, but it feels like if I'm not the one that sends a message, he barely ever talks to me. I feel unimportant to him.
The worst of it, to me, is that he's hesitant to make us official bf/gf, because of aforementioned family drama. I'm a "date to marry" type girl, being exclusive is a default for me and I think it's important. This hesitancy to become official makes it hard to refer to what he is to me when I mention him to others, and it makes me wonder if while I'm being exclusive for him, he isn't being exclusive for me behind my back.
I'm thinking about just saying this to him, that I feel unimportant and lonely and asking him if he actually wants to be my boyfriend at some point or if I should give up on the idea of him being that in my life.
I really like him, and I think he likes me, but I'm starting to feel like I'm not a priority to him. I don't want to be selfish or anything, I just don't like how his (in)actions are making me feel. Am I just being weird over nothing? Should I tell him I'm feeling lonely outright instead of trying to be subtle or ignore it?

Wow. That's such a shitty situation.

Also, it really doesn't take that much effort to at least reply with a "Hey I'm super busy today, I'll respond tomorrow, but how are you doing / how was your day?" Type thing. That legit doesn't even cost him five minutes of his day, and that would already make a huge difference in how he keeps his attention on you.

Personally I feel this guy is being sus. If he really cared he'd go out of his way to show you you matter to him. So I have to agree with what Squanto said. Just be upfront with this guy, because if he's stringing you along you're wasting time you could be spending with someone that does prioritize you.

Of course I hope I'm wrong and he's not sus though. I wish you all the best!

 

[Two Frogs]

it feels like it's been a while since we've had an actual conversation instead of just me sending him something he may or may not reply to hours/days later.
We made a point to meet irl on Valentines this year, but he called the morning of to warn me he'd be late because of family drama (nothing physical or new/unique for his family,) then some kind of off-hours work call and his D&D group took priority the morning after, so our special valentines weekend was basically just two long car rides. I got dressed up for nothing and felt really stupid.

He disconnected. He's showing you to your face that you are not what he is choosing. If you let it go on, he'll drag you around for years without apologizing for it.

 

[Friend of Dorothy Parker]

1. Is the love a woman feels for a man directly proportional to the size of the plushie we get them? for example: a 30cm duck plushie vs 190cm one

I don't understand question, and I won't respond to it.

, same question fohe bouquet

2. Do women really care about the difference betwen high quality perfumes and cheap ones? I heard good things online about the Giorgio Armani Code but since it's so expensive I want to ask first.

3. What training protocol do you recommend for moidmaxxin? rn I'm doing the following:
-3 sets of making eye contact and then immediately looking at the floor.
-4x10 of stumbling on my words when trying to jestergoon with a foid.
-As Many Reps As Possible (AMRAP) of not showering.

I met a guy a few years ago and our relationship has gotten closer, but I'm starting to feel lonely. We live in different states, and while we do talk online often, it feels like it's been a while since we've had an actual conversation instead of just me sending him something he may or may not reply to hours/days later.
We made a point to meet irl on Valentines this year, but he called the morning of to warn me he'd be late because of family drama (nothing physical or new/unique for his family,) then some kind of off-hours work call and his D&D group took priority the morning after, so our special valentines weekend was basically just two long car rides. I got dressed up for nothing and felt really stupid.
Recently he got a new job that works him like a dog and it feels like I never see him anymore (well, online, that is.) I know he's busy and I'm not expecting him to drop everything just to talk to me, but it feels like if I'm not the one that sends a message, he barely ever talks to me. I feel unimportant to him.
The worst of it, to me, is that he's hesitant to make us official bf/gf, because of aforementioned family drama. I'm a "date to marry" type girl, being exclusive is a default for me and I think it's important. This hesitancy to become official makes it hard to refer to what he is to me when I mention him to others, and it makes me wonder if while I'm being exclusive for him, he isn't being exclusive for me behind my back.
I'm thinking about just saying this to him, that I feel unimportant and lonely and asking him if he actually wants to be my boyfriend at some point or if I should give up on the idea of him being that in my life.
I really like him, and I think he likes me, but I'm starting to feel like I'm not a priority to him. I don't want to be selfish or anything, I just don't like how his (in)actions are making me feel. Am I just being weird over nothing? Should I tell him I'm feeling lonely outright instead of trying to be subtle or ignore it?

Re the bolded - girl, no, you're not. You've been messing around for years with someone you only just now met in person, he squeezed you in at a lower priority than playing a game, the communication is drifting off, you're hoping you catch a glimpse of him online, and you're filling in the blanks with every excuse under the sun for why he's not only not around but also not seeking you out. And in all of this, you're struggling against the tide by wanting more from him - to which I say, "more what, exactly?"

You can bring it up with him. Who knows, maybe it just hasn't occurred to him. I doubt that, but I am happy to be wrong. I tend to think your time may be better spent carving out a real life in your real life and in real life, but ymmv.

 

[Spunt]

Why do you find salad so funny?

 

[Spooky all year]

View attachment 8871838
Why do you find salad so funny?

Because we all know the real food is the wine we'll be having later. The lettuce is a distraction.

 

[UvaUvamVivendoVariaFit]

I met a guy a few years ago and our relationship has gotten closer, but I'm starting to feel lonely. We live in different states, and while we do talk online often, it feels like it's been a while since we've had an actual conversation instead of just me sending him something he may or may not reply to hours/days later.
We made a point to meet irl on Valentines this year, but he called the morning of to warn me he'd be late because of family drama (nothing physical or new/unique for his family,) then some kind of off-hours work call and his D&D group took priority the morning after, so our special valentines weekend was basically just two long car rides. I got dressed up for nothing and felt really stupid.
Recently he got a new job that works him like a dog and it feels like I never see him anymore (well, online, that is.) I know he's busy and I'm not expecting him to drop everything just to talk to me, but it feels like if I'm not the one that sends a message, he barely ever talks to me. I feel unimportant to him.
The worst of it, to me, is that he's hesitant to make us official bf/gf, because of aforementioned family drama. I'm a "date to marry" type girl, being exclusive is a default for me and I think it's important. This hesitancy to become official makes it hard to refer to what he is to me when I mention him to others, and it makes me wonder if while I'm being exclusive for him, he isn't being exclusive for me behind my back.
I'm thinking about just saying this to him, that I feel unimportant and lonely and asking him if he actually wants to be my boyfriend at some point or if I should give up on the idea of him being that in my life.
I really like him, and I think he likes me, but I'm starting to feel like I'm not a priority to him. I don't want to be selfish or anything, I just don't like how his (in)actions are making me feel. Am I just being weird over nothing? Should I tell him I'm feeling lonely outright instead of trying to be subtle or ignore it?

This is going to sting, but fuck it. This has all the markings of a guy who's using you as a placeholder and happy to string you along but you're a lower priority than you'd be if he actually cared about screwing up his chance to be with you. He's making excuses for why he's hesitant to make it official; the real reason is he doesn't want to. Those excuses wouldn't be barriers if you were his dream girl. He may have met someone else (whether she knows he exists or not), he may have gotten bored now that you're not shiny and new to him, he might just never have been that invested and he's checking out now and he's too lame to just be honest about it but instead he'll just keep making excuses and let you keep chasing after him and wait for you to give up. He's not the one.

Stop trying to make up for the effort that he isn't putting into it. Stop messaging him. If he actually gives a fuck, if the prospect of losing you completely makes him stop taking you for granted and makes him realize he actually does want to be with you, he'll take the initiative to reach out, he'll put in quality effort. My money's on you won't hear from him again, not in any real way. That will be a good thing, for you, because he's wasting your time. Promise with a little time and distance, you'll wonder why you ever thought this loser was worth angsting over.

 

[Chromeo]

you only just now met in person

I had met him irl before valentines day, that was just the most recent time we planned to meet up irl. I misworded that.

I tend to think your time may be better spent carving out a real life in your real life and in real life, but ymmv.

Promise with a little time and distance, you'll wonder why you ever thought this loser was worth angsting over.

I'm a weird transphobic internet user, there really aren't a lot of people in my area around my age who get me. He's kind, he's actually attracted to me, and unlike the last guy I dated (for 3 years back in 2017-2020) he doesn't openly make me feel bad about myself and lie to me and hurt my pets. Bar is in hell, but y'know.
If he really is just stringing me along and I end up not with him, I think I might just stay single indefinitely. I'm too old to keep looking after this, it's getting cringe (not that it isn't already.) I'm just sad that I'm not one of those people who ended up married by now. Maybe it's for the best.

 

[Two Frogs]

Stop messaging him. If he actually gives a fuck, if the prospect of losing you completely makes him stop taking you for granted and makes him realize he actually does want to be with you, he'll take the initiative to reach out, he'll put in quality effort.

The way I finally had to pound this into my head was, "If his dog went missing he would go fucking psycho looking for it. He would not sleep until he found that dog." Are you more than a dog to him?

I'm a weird transphobic internet user, there really aren't a lot of people in my area around my age who get me.

Don't settle just because the clock is ticking.

 

[Squanto Airi]

I had met him irl before valentines day, that was just the most recent time we planned to meet up irl. I misworded that.


I'm a weird transphobic internet user, there really aren't a lot of people in my area around my age who get me. He's kind, he's actually attracted to me, and unlike the last guy I dated (for 3 years back in 2017-2020) he doesn't openly make me feel bad about myself and lie to me and hurt my pets. Bar is in hell, but y'know.
If he really is just stringing me along and I end up not with him, I think I might just stay single indefinitely. I'm too old to keep looking after this, it's getting cringe (not that it isn't already.) I'm just sad that I'm not one of those people who ended up married by now. Maybe it's for the best.

Well what do you look for in a potential romantic relationship, outside of him being nice to you, being honest, likes pets, and having transphobic viewpoints?

 

[Chromeo]

Well what do you look for in a potential romantic relationship, outside of him being nice to you, being honest, likes pets, and having transphobic viewpoints?

I don't want to sound selfish or like I'm asking for too much, but if I was thinking of an ideal relationship, I'd want someone who prioritizes me as an important part of their life, who sees me as their best friend and wants to be around me. Someone who wouldn't abandon me over politics (like several of my friends,) wouldn't cheat on me with someone more convenient or anyone they can get (my two exes), and someone who gets along with my family. If I get to ask more, someone funny/who finds me funny is a plus, or they have interesting hobbies or like the same stuff I do. And ideally they'd also be Christian.
"John" gets along with my family (the few times he's met them,) he's got cool hobbies and was willing to watch MLP with me, he even offered and paid to take the two of us to a pony convention last year so we could see one another. I met him on that 4chan dating site, so off the bat I knew he was also online and had similar culture/politics to me. There are reasons I like him and that we got together, and it's been nice before, I don't want to sound frivolous or loose or whatever.
I guess the short of it is I want to be in a relationship with someone who wants to be in a relationship with me, and that's what I thought John was, but his neglect is making me feel like he doesn't really want that anymore.

 

[Atticus Carpenter]

I guess the short of it is I want to be in a relationship with someone who wants to be in a relationship with me, and that's what I thought John was, but his neglect is making me feel like he doesn't really want that anymore.

I've always struggled with this a lot since for a long time i wanted to have a relationship and someone i could share moments and experiences with. But after so many years alone i just got used to be alone. My hobbies take up most of my time and i don't know if i would be willing to give up art for someone.

Plus, i have a lot of doubts about my capacity to provide and be a good SO for someone. I even have greater doubt about being a good father. That's why i really think i should stay by myself.

 

[Shakira Flabbergasted]

I don't want to sound selfish or like I'm asking for too much, but if I was thinking of an ideal relationship, I'd want someone who prioritizes me as an important part of their life, who sees me as their best friend and wants to be around me. Someone who wouldn't abandon me over politics (like several of my friends,) wouldn't cheat on me with someone more convenient or anyone they can get (my two exes), and someone who gets along with my family. If I get to ask more, someone funny/who finds me funny is a plus, or they have interesting hobbies or like the same stuff I do. And ideally they'd also be Christian.
"John" gets along with my family (the few times he's met them,) he's got cool hobbies and was willing to watch MLP with me, he even offered and paid to take the two of us to a pony convention last year so we could see one another. I met him on that 4chan dating site, so off the bat I knew he was also online and had similar culture/politics to me. There are reasons I like him and that we got together, and it's been nice before, I don't want to sound frivolous or loose or whatever.
I guess the short of it is I want to be in a relationship with someone who wants to be in a relationship with me, and that's what I thought John was, but his neglect is making me feel like he doesn't really want that anymore.

None of that stuff sounded unreasonable at all until you mentioned ponies. I'm not trying to shame you for liking MLP or anything, but very few guys who share your hobbies are marriage material. If I were you, I'd prioritize treating you well, committing, not being politics brained, and being loyal over the hobby stuff. If he doesn't mind your interests but never ends up being into the exact same stuff you're into, it's way less of an issue than him being a cheater or a commitment phobe.