I have realized that I mishandled the way I’ve approached the situation with Pressure, and I am here to apologize for the reckless way I reacted. I immediately jumped to the assumption I had the full grasp of the situation, and let fear control my actions from there. I centered myself, instead of letting those actually involved do the talking. I’m supposed to lead by example – and my example wasn’t mindful enough. I am sorry for using my platform irresponsibly.
This isn’t a retraction of support for Ren. I support Ren. It’s so necessary to support survivors when they come forward with their story, when we’ve seen time and time again how the cards are stacked against them. It takes incredible bravery to re-live the worst moments of your life and then share it to not only people close to you, but with the whole internet. I still stand by her and do not regret offering immediate support when I learned what happened. It is always the right decision to believe survivors.
But I still fucked up. The truth is I was beginning to feel this even before Zeal released his second statement, which details his view of their relationship and the incident of sexual assault. I will provide the link to his document below. The timing is no coincidence however – reading his side of the story, which people told me to wait for and I didn’t listen, made me stop and think enough to realize I’ve handled this like a fucking moron. What he said has not made me regret supporting Ren and withdrawing from the project; it has only underscored that now that the uncomfortable process of laying out the relationship between these two people has begun, our opinions on who did what right or wrong cease to matter. We are not the victim, we are not the accused, and while we are an audience to all of it, we can’t have an effect on the outcome when we were not there.
I was right to come forward to support Ren, I was right to quit the project - when it’s my voice you hear playing the game, it’s impossible not to speak up - but I should have not allowed myself to take it so personally. It feels that way because this is my job and I expect a safe, professional working environment for myself and what are essentially my co-workers. But it is not my story, and through all the well-wishes from fans, it feels wrong to accept those kind words.
As important as it is to center survivors in sexual assault, it also needs to be said that supporting survivors doesn’t mean the alleged perpetrator gets to be sentenced before all sides are told. Further, even though the document was shared with us, we are not the people who mete out justice. That is, for better or for worse, up to the people who are actually directly involved, and failing that, up to the law. That patience, in the face of such a horrible situation, is very difficult to have. But I should have helped people find it.
We also do not get to read one half of a story and then shut down people who tell us to wait to hear the other half. That’s what I did, and it was wrong. There have been people speaking in good faith, who told me to wait, to see what happens legally, to be more responsible with my audience. They were right. The right thing to do would have been to publicly support a survivor, withdraw from the project, and guide my audience to be patient, no matter how uncomfortable that might be. Reading between the two accounts of what happened will jerk you back and forth, make you draw conclusions, re-think them, and draw more new ones. It will tire you out. It is not pleasant, and in the end, it will not be ours to decide the outcome. I should have recognized this and said as much, and then said not much else. I made it too personal when a short post would have sufficed. I have made myself emotionally exhausted by taking in too much at once, and acted sloppily in the handling of a very delicate thing. I also didn’t reach out to the team personally, and I’m sorry for that too - I didn’t want to hear any defenses of Zeal’s alleged actions, but that doesn’t mean I can’t hand a resignation letter personally.
I feel so much shame, guilt, and embarrassment for getting this wrong, and unintentionally contributing to someone I worked with getting enough public hate to bring them to self-harm. Not Ren, nor myself, ever wanted anyone to be harassed or hurt, and while I never wanted my audience to harass anyone, I feel I haven’t done enough to prevent it either. No matter the outcome with this story – I have done the wrong thing in failing to guide my audience to be more patient. I drew conclusions – assumptions of guilt - and shared those conclusions to a platform of people who would just take it from me and go off from there. That’s not the adult in the room I’m supposed to be. I know better, and I regret not acting better. I’ve managed to fail both Zeal and Ren, and I’m especially sure I failed the audience.
As I read over the original document of a hundred pages of story and evidence, I literally became sick, got emotional, and came to the overwhelming feeling that I must support Ren to the fullest extent in my reach. It was the right way to feel – but I acted on it too strongly. I only knew that deep down, in my heart, I believed her, even though I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to accept that I could get it so wrong about who I was working with, I didn’t want to believe that this awesome and successful thing I was part of would have to come crashing down, I didn’t want to accept any of it. That was my first gut reaction. But I was afraid that it would be all too convenient for me if it was all just false – that things would be able to carry on as they were. I was afraid of letting my knowledge of what would benefit me control me into doing the wrong thing, so much so that I oversteered the other way as hard as I could. All I actually knew was that believing victims is important. The way I handled doing it was careless.
I know struggling with mental health and BPD is part of Ren’s story and experience, and that her and Zeal did have an ongoing relationship. People keep telling me that stuff alone is evidence that she was not sexually assaulted in that room – but the thing is, you know who’s very likely to be taken advantage of? Someone who struggles with mental health. And as for an ongoing relationship – you need consent, every single time, no matter how long you’ve been together. What Ren described took place in that room, to me, was the main thing to focus on – that in that moment, when she was being consoled during an emotional crisis, he engaged in sexual activity without her consent. That would be sexual assault, no matter the other context, and I will always want to support victims of sexual assault.
I felt it was important that if I truly did believe her – to support her immediately, before the hate, and misinformation, and time, began to sweep her and her truth away. I knew bad actors would flood in fast, and they have. I felt that she needed people to stand with her ASAP – and that there was no figure more responsible to do so than probably the most known person on the project, the voice of Sebastian himself. So many people tell me they’ve supported the game because of me, I felt I had a responsibility to do the right thing immediately and share the truth, rather than sit back into a more passive role. I wanted to overcome my own personal desires to “play it safe”, and do the right thing, no matter what. This was all the correct way to feel, but I went too far with it.
When people kept saying “we should wait” or “this should be a legal matter”, I was afraid these were just victim suppression tactics. In my life I’ve seen the legal system be a masterclass in suppressing victims – and as for time, I was afraid just kinda vaguely “giving it time” would be how her story got lost and forgotten, that maybe they were trying to just keep everything quiet long enough for people to forget and to snuff it out without significant attention. The last I’d heard of the story officially was Zeal’s mother’s announcement, that the story would be taken offline for an indeterminate amount of time, to be pursued legally. I was afraid that would lead to Ren’s truth being brushed aside with time. When people say “it should be solved privately”, I was afraid that was just a way to keep victims down, and chained to whoever is harming them. After seeing so many hateful people do so many other hateful things to harass her - I became even more sure in my conviction that I needed to stand with her even more.
But my emotions were running high and I got stupid about it. There were people who were in good faith asking for patience, and caution, to hear everyone’s story, to see how things played out legally, and they were right. I was wrong to jump the gun. I was so desperately afraid of doing the wrong thing, that I did the wrong thing. The lesson is clear. I need to learn when to shut up, which is actually most of the time. I need to think for a second and not jump the gun and not assume that just because I think something is the right thing to do, it is. I’ve done harm by not wielding my platform responsibly enough. I had no place weighing in so heavily. I have so much regret for going overboard how I did. What I should have done was shared her story and encouraged supporting her through this – but maintained that none of us truly know what happened, and to be patient, and mindful, and understanding of everyone involved, including each other.
To all the SA victims who have reached out to me in the past few days and thanked me for standing up for an SA victim, making them feel seen, and trusted in sharing their pain with me to reach out, I am so sorry. By coming out full guns blazing like I did, I only raised the tempers of others along with my own. It makes everything worse for everyone. I hope you all find the healing and justice you so rightly deserve. I know now I must support Ren by helping create a space for her story to be heard, not by assuming it’s my place to judge it. I still firmly believe in supporting victims who come forward. Everyone should. There needs to be safety and justice for those who have experienced sexual assault.
I’m taking down my previous posts – not to hide the truth of where I stood, but to prevent further spread of possible harm and confusion. I will provide a link to archive what I said, to hold myself accountable. However, now that I’ve finally realized what I’ve done wrong and what I should have said to my audience, I must now give this correction all the same reach that I gave my first approach, it’s the least I can do. I’m making this post here, in the same place I made my initial announcement. Soon, I will go on stream, the same way I did before, and apologize, and explain how I fucked up. In the same way I did before, I’ll talk with the audience for a bit, to answer any questions I can, and support what people have to express to me, and face all the criticism people might have for me, even if it’s hard to hear. In my fear of victim suppression tactics, I had been banning people who tried to ask the patience I’ve now come to realize is right – they of course, will be unbanned. I’m sorry to all of you. If I care so much about accountability, then I must face it myself. Then, I’m going to go quiet for a while. I’ll still fulfill my duties as a VA for the projects I’m on, but I won’t be streaming or posting anything for a while. I need to spend some time shutting up, and reflecting on my actions.
This post is not because anyone contacted me privately or threatened me – this is of my own free will, because I believe it’s only right to own up to when I realize I messed up. That’s why I’m writing and posting this now, as I realize I made a mistake, rather than waiting. Because I see now I will have been wrong about how I acted here, no matter what happens next. I now hope only that the situation resolves safely and justly.
To Ren, for failing to support you the way I should have, I am sorry. My careless approach doesn’t help you, it selfishly just made me feel like it did, but in reality it fails to support you much at all because it just sets a more hostile stage. I still support you. To Zeal, Zerum, Wil, Kat – the whole Pressure team, I am sorry. Regardless - or perhaps even ESPECIALLY - because of how bad this situation is, I should have at least talked to all of you first. I was afraid I’d be lied to and tricked into hiding the truth, but I should have at least tried. I nuked my Discord last month because I no longer want to support the platform, and I don’t know everyone’s emails, but if you’d like to talk privately now, please reach out.
In writing this, I hope that the audience finds time to recover themselves, too. If you are feeling hurt, or lost, or confused – don’t suffer it alone, talk to someone you trust about it. I was only able to come to do the right thing here because of talking to my wife, whose help and support with even writing this statement is what I have to thank for getting through this at all. To all of the people who tried to tell me to slow down and wait – I am sorry. To all of the fans who followed my lead and stood with me – I am sorry. To everyone who just stood by confused about what was even happening – I am sorry. All of that is on me. I will never be so reckless with my audience again. You all deserve better. Thank you for everything.
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Ren’s original document was taken down by Google due to what seemed to be mass reporting, she is currently making a new one which I will link here when it is posted. However, an archive of the old one is currently here:
https://rendoc.nekoweb.org/
Zeal’s new document can be located here:
[
Editing in the archive to spare a raw Google link]
My own archive of what I said can be found here:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LT17SCU1CGc [
On the Farms]
When I upload the new video, I will also update this to link it here.
![:\](/styles/custom/emotes/svg/chris-confused.svg "Confused :\")
