How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

Emailed my boss that I'm resigning as we're not scheduled together for a few days, and I know that motherfucker (not-derogatory, I actually like my boss) will try and talk me out of it. I know my reaction to my work drama is disproportionate to what is happening, but I don't really care. All of these people have called me friends, and yet their actions have not backed that up and the more I think on their explanation the more pissed off I get from the contradictory nature of it all. They have been bitching about me behind my back and claiming it's because they were just so worried about me and didn't know how to talk to me about it. I respect all of them, and I'm a very reasonable person when you don't blindside me with shit that's apparently been an issue for months. One of them, who I actually consider a friend and not just a work-friend, knows that and they didn't talk to me at any point either. Immature nonsense and if I call that out it's 3 against 1 so I'd be the one expected to fall in line to keep the status quo.

This all started because I didn't want to bitch about our most recent hire (who was hired a YEAR AGO) with them all. The negativity stressed me out. The new hire was not a good employee, no, but I just wanted to be nice. I just wanted to be neutral and professional and not contribute to making their days hellish. That's it. And I got jack shit for it. Why do I even bother sticking to my principles. I'd like to say that next job I'll have learned my lesson and won't trust people so freely but I know I won't. Despite everything I've been through that should have convinced me otherwise, I am still extremely gullible and believe people are good, and I take everything at face value. I cannot tell when people are lying or being duplicitous. And somehow it burns just as bad each time it happens. I must just have a weak mental constitution.
 
stick said:
I'd like to say that next job I'll have learned my lesson and won't trust people so freely but I know I won't. Despite everything I've been through that should have convinced me otherwise, I am still extremely gullible and believe people are good, and I take everything at face value. I cannot tell when people are lying or being duplicitous. And somehow it burns just as bad each time it happens. I must just have a weak mental constitution.
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Believe it, or not, this exact thing happens in blue collar work all the time. It's what happens when you allow people to turn the very thing that keeps them housed and fed into high school 2.0. The only advice I can give is separate any form of a social life from your work life. Be courteous, but it's pretty fruitless to engage in asinine teenage-tier gossip (which I am sure you are already well aware of). I hope you find a healthier work environment.
 
'hey doc I'm sure I have low ferritin'
'lol no you don't we have to do 3 other tests first'
'ok but it's the ferritin I know it because of *reasons*'
'nah we'll do it in a couple of months if your other tests are normal'
*does the tests*
'ok fine we'll do the ferritin test but lol you're fine'
*does the test*
'lol guess what'

WHY DO I KEEP BEING RIGHT AND MY DOCTORS KEEP BEING WRONG. I'm SICK of holding their hands through their FUCKING job.
I have been CONSTANTLY right. Not just a *little* right but ALWAYS RIGHT ALL THE TIME.

SOMEONE GIVE ME A CHAIR TO THROW THIS HAS BEEN PART OF A BIGGER ISSUE FOR YEARS REEEEEEEEEEEE
 
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Unnecessary Surgery Land said:
WHY DO I KEEP BEING RIGHT AND MY DOCTORS KEEP BEING WRONG. I'm SICK of holding their hands through their FUCKING job
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My wife and I are constantly having to do this with some issues she faces. It seems to just be getting worse as time goes on. I am a pretty non-confrontational guy, but you can't let medicak staff just walk around all over you. You are both getting information from google, lol. You gotta be mean sometimes. In my not-so-professional opinion, I think all the negative energy people give to service workers should be redirected to doctors, bankers, and public educators.
 
I think me and the one close friend I have are no longer really on good terms.

He's become increasingly negative and derogatory towards me at random intervals. A hobosexual dating his sister who was stealing my shit and started a fight with me was kicked out around the beginning of the year. I've had a suspicion his sister has been sneaking him in the house and I asked him to check if he heard him in the other night before he headed off to work. He told me how he didn't want to be part of drama and that he was tired of sticking his neck out for me since I don't appreciate it and said he didn't particularly care if it was happening.
Eventually when I called him out he changed his tune and said he's just in a certain state of mind and dealing with a mental health struggle. He's been doing this a lot lately where he'll do/say something particularly shitty, and then say it's because of me and a drama that fell out between us, and then fall back on how he's going through some depressive episode.
I just was tired and told him how there's plenty of people who deal with rough shit in life who don't feel the need to take the brunt of it out on certain people and I wish he'd just admit he did things because he wanted to do them and not because he's going through some self-isolating struggle that he also happens to blame on me anyways, and that I was tired of him grandstanding about how he always puts people's needs above his own and how it means nothing, as if he's the only one who actually contributed to a friendship.
He said how I was some entitled brat, didn't even care about people with mental illness or understand it and put up his faux boundaries again, saying how he's not going to have this constant arguing in his life.

It's just always the same playbook. He'll show absolutely no concern or respect for me, insult me and say how I have no idea or concern about mental illness while also saying I wear my depression on my sleeve and just want to be the ultimate victim. It's not that I'm worried about the dude being here. It's just insane to me that he knows this guy assaulted me and still wants to be smug and act like he did some monumental task being my friend, and then berate me because I tell him his hiding behind "muh depression" is a lame exit strategy for being a douche.


It's just a really raw feeling. This was pretty much the only person I really ever felt I had in my corner. It's not just some causal friend you knew from work. We were pretty the only people who supported each other through the last couple of years. It's the first time I've felt like a normal guy with an actual Sam in his life. And I think it's gone now.
I'm probably going to be alone for the rest of my life. I don't see myself meeting anyone who had anywhere near as much in common or be as much of a generally good person I appreciate having in my life. I can meet acquaintances and fairweather friends, sure. But not an actual real nigga. That's what makes everything that's been going on so much worse. It's weird when the only person who's been real family to you starts acting a certain way.

Maybe I should internalize some of what he's been saying and be introspective, but I really think the way he's been treating me is actually weird and abusive. There's a possibility everything he's saying is true and I just can't handle the truth, but if that's the case, I can't handle that sort of ownership all at once.

People are just so weird anymore. There's times where I really don't think anything is real anymore. It just feels like a really bad dream I can't wake up from. None of this actually seems real anymore. I really do think I'm just not cut out for interacting with people.

On the bright side, I started a new job recently, that's been an actually labor-heavy job with minimal drama immediately after leaving the most soul-draining job I have ever had. It's something I've wanted for a while, and it keeps me preoccupied and tired so I'm not thinking about this shit all day. I can make enough that soon I won't have to live right in the middle of all this.
Given the nature of how life and my mind works, I'm kind of scared. Today I could be okay, tomorrow probably not. And those gaps and dips become more jagged each day.

I know there's plenty to enjoy in life. Plenty of small beautiful things, and life can be as beautiful as you actually make it. But noticing you'll probably never have another truly caring friend ever again, and knowing if you do you'll probably fuck it up anyways, because you're you, and nobody ever actually will like you that long, because why the fuck would they....
That's a lot on me.
 
I just had the two worst work weeks of my life with the shittiest client I can imagine. I thought the world was done shitting on me, but it isn't. Today sucks. At least beer and ciggies are my friend.
 
I can, in fact, finally experience the fabled driving up and a rural/empty road in the evening with loud music.

TV was right. It feels great.
 
Has anyone else had the experience of your family completely breaking down after your grandparents pass away ? mine was 5 when WW2 ended so I think thats telling lol
 
AnOminous said:
Blows, doesn't it? You thought you had a friend but you actually didn't. Welcome to the real world. A WORLD OF SHIT. I hate this world so goddamn much.
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I think what sucks is that I did actually have a friend. Dude was a real nigga for three years. It just sucks when they flip the script on you for no real reason and seem to feel no real way about it.

I already know how all this seems. I don't want to be the one guy going "Everyone around me is the asshole." I know a common denominator would probably be me in most cases. But when I do get any judgement or brush-off, it's usually just done in the most toxic, narcissistic way possible that I feel like I'm both losing my mind but also more assured that I'm not the issue at the same time.

I'm not giving some broken wife speech about how her ex was just so evil. I hate my character being attacked by someone who knows better.
"You don't give a shit about mental illness." Nigger, I ran out and bought you foods and vitamins when you told me you were going through seasonal depression. Fuck off.

I just wish people would be real about the fact that they do awful things to people when they want to, because they want to. Always notice how people are always having this mental health crisis, having a bad day or lapse in judgement when it's a convenient time and place? It's always the cashier or one friend, it's never their boss or at anyone else that they know that won't fly with.
Just say you did the thing because you wanted to and stop hiding behind mental illness, drugs or whatever out you can.

It's not my fault, but it's my responsibility for placing so much weight and importance on other people for my self worth. At the same time, that's something literally everybody else does, some just are seemingly better at it than me.

I know letting a male friendship affect me so much might seem gay to a lot of people. But people don't really understand when you have a sort of Bill and Ted, Dante and Randal dynamic, when you've been a duo with someone and been through a lot of shit with them, it's really a different kind of loss.

There's been other red things I did make note of that would have been red flags for most people, but I'm me.
I think looking back the weirdest, most surreal thing was me wanting to do watch parties with him and some of his online friends that he gave me the runaround on for months and then just now telling me recently that he felt like I was using him as some cheat code for socializing and making friends.
The fact that you could have the balls to say that because I just wanted to join in on horror movie watch parties that we were doing on our own all the time anyways, as if people are chips that belong to you is so absurd and goofy I can't process it.

The one guy I actually respected and gave a shit about is kind of an entitled, weird douche.
I'm not joking when I say I don't think any of this is real anymore. I really don't think any of this is happening. I really think all of this has to be a dream.
 
(((I am NOT a jew))) said:
Maybe I should internalize some of what he's been saying and be introspective, but I really think the way he's been treating me is actually weird and abusive. There's a possibility everything he's saying is true and I just can't handle the truth, but if that's the case, I can't handle that sort of ownership all at once.

People are just so weird anymore. There's times where I really don't think anything is real anymore. It just feels like a really bad dream I can't wake up from. None of this actually seems real anymore. I really do think I'm just not cut out for interacting with people.
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I feel you. I've had so much interpersonal drama, the hardest one was a family member I thought I could trust with my life. I also felt that "this is so crazy and weird, it can't be real" feeling, it is awful and I'm sorry. It definitely gets to a point where you think you're just not cut out for personal relationships. Just remember that it is all a matter of perception. If you think your friend made some relevant points, you can take (some of) the criticism and reflect on that, sure, but don't internalize his perception of you as 100% truth. Unfortunately people will see us however they are inclined to do so and we can't really control it, especially if you are not given the chance to hash things out. If you have lost the friendship, I am sorry for your loss.
 
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I am looking after my parents' dog for two days, this is day 2 and he's surprisingly calm about my garden view. Normally he barks at EVERYTHING that moves on the other side of the garden hedge, so I have to close the curtains all the way down to the floor because he is too smart about curtains and will lift them with his piggy face. I guess this time he's accepted that sometimes I have a neighbour that walks past, and that they aren't a threat because I don't react to his barking at all.

Dog snoring ASMR is weirdly my type of white noise, it's a comforting sound that lets me know I'm safe.
It's a shame that so many frenchies are disgustingly mutated and unethically bred, what with "fluffy" frenchies and breeders not caring to breed a healthier dog, because they are such amazing little creatures. I love ours but I won't be getting one myself once my old girl is no longer here, I just can't excuse how awful their health is overall.

My meds are still causing my anxiety to spike so I don't think Abilify is for me, even at a lowered dosage. Not to mention it leaves a bitter taste in my mouth that lasts for hours even if I don't drink any fluids after taking it. Disgustang.
 
Unnecessary Surgery Land said:
'hey doc I'm sure I have low ferritin'
'lol no you don't we have to do 3 other tests first'
'ok but it's the ferritin I know it because of *reasons*'
'nah we'll do it in a couple of months if your other tests are normal'
*does the tests*
'ok fine we'll do the ferritin test but lol you're fine'
*does the test*
'lol guess what'

WHY DO I KEEP BEING RIGHT AND MY DOCTORS KEEP BEING WRONG. I'm SICK of holding their hands through their FUCKING job.
I have been CONSTANTLY right. Not just a *little* right but ALWAYS RIGHT ALL THE TIME.

SOMEONE GIVE ME A CHAIR TO THROW THIS HAS BEEN PART OF A BIGGER ISSUE FOR YEARS REEEEEEEEEEEE
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I am also anaemic. I assume it’s iron deficiency type because it’s microcytic and my Hb levels are always below range. I have had exactly this. No interest in finding out WHY I’m anaemic, even though I eat plenty of meat and take the godawful iron pills. No testing unless you get grumpy. An insistence that everything is fine as long as you’re vaguely just a bit under the lower end of the reference range. No you may not have an iron infusion. No we are not interested in finding out why and fixing that. Is there a leak somewhere? Who knows!
And they will not do a fucking ferritin test will they? The will try to put you on antidepressants and the pill and force IUDs on you but god forbid you have decent iron levels. When I’ve said ‘I think it’s anaemia, I e no interest in SSRIs please just check the iron panel ta’ they look annoyed.
It’s a bit annoying, isn’t it? And the iron pills are hideous. I hate taking them. Have you found anything that works to get iron levels back up? I do all the stuff; iron, vitamin c, very other day, no tea or calcium within two hours of it. Nothing helps.
I caught sight of myself in the mirror this morning and I look like I’ve been drained of blood. I look awful.
 
I wrote a big rant about blood iron but didn't post it. Then I wrote a new rant.

My whole family has suffered from chronic iron anemia -yes, even the males- even though we have widely different lifestyles and diets.
To my knowledge I'm the only person who has recovered long-term. Unfortunately both of my sisters suffered miscarriages that I believe was related to anemia/both of their first pregnancies were unplanned. Both of them needed repeat iron infusions throughout and after pregnancy and I am the only person in our family who hasn't had an iron infusion or ER visit due to passing out from anemia. I'm not anymore, but I was vegetarian for several years and was fully aware it might cause deficiencies, and I truly think that was my saving grace as it got the doctors to actually run blood tests: who thinks an otherwise healthy young man is going to have low ferritin?

I only take 2 "daily dose" iron pills a week (anything more than that hurts my stomach), but I take large amounts of Vitamin D3. I firmly believe exercise, sunlight exposure, and VitaminD3 is the missing link here. I think it's deep in my family genes that we go batshit insane if we aren't outside for hours. There is a strong link between blood iron levels and Vitamin D3 but I am too retarded to really understand it. I just know that the iron pills have never really worked well for anybody in my family- myself included frankly. It's more about your body's ability to absorb the iron, I guess, and so I think the VitaminD3 is the link there- but I have been unable to get my family to take VitaminD3 because they think it's bunk science and they have such a bad experience with pills/prefer to just get infusions when they get extremely sick. Apparently Vitamin D3 from dietary sources i.e. supplements is just not the same in the body as when your skin produces it, and I'm not sure where injections fall on that scale, but I have been interested in "wellness spas" because it only costs like 30 bucks to get a Vitamin D shot, which is a lot less than I thought it'd be.

My understanding is that a lot of these vitamin deficiencies are not easily remedied by supplementation because it's not about a lack of access, it's about bioasorption into your blood. Sjogren's and rheumatoid arthritis runs in my family, although I have neither, at this point I pretty much do contribute that to staying in good shape and having a high quality diet and no major vices like alcohol or smoking. I know it's one of those woo-woo words, but I really do think "chronic inflammation" causes these forms of anemia, including blood iron anemia. Especially when you're talking about males and periods aren't a factor. Frankly I'm sure doctors overlook tons of this stuff because they can just shoehole it all as "women problems." And then for men they just call it depression and won't even CONSIDER something like anemia. If there's not a lack of dietary consumption, and you're not internally bleeding or something, then it's some sort of chronic inflammation that causes the body to not absorb these micronutrients into the blood/body.


This is going to be shitty advice, but the easiest way for me to handle the physical effects of anemia was pre-workout and sugarfree energy drinks. Even more than the caffeine, I found great mental impact from the megadoses of B-vitamins. However, you can get similar products- often marketed as "hydration supplements" or "recovery powder" that have similar make-ups without the caffeine. Yes they sell B-vitamin complexes but for some reason they always just make me sick, compared to sipping on a yummy energy drink over an hour or two. 1777136502947.png

Outside of that, go put on sunscreen (no, it doesn't stop Vitamin D production) and then go lay in the sun for like 4-6 hours.

I eat all the fat I want. There's not enough healthy fat in the american diet and I do believe fat consumption is important to some of these vitamins being absorbed in the blood, too. I'm not saying eat bacon cheeseburgers. But I cook with butter, olive oil, and even lard, I drink whole milk, I eat cashews and nuts. Sausages, buttered toast, and like 5 mandarins for breakfast.

I have a pet reddit thread... it's such a bad habit. But I do check several large reddits related to major parts of my life, as I do find it's way more topical and a good place to get the news from the source. But if you sort by New, you see some wacky distressed people every day. Especially related to my career, basically everyday there's a post from somebody who you just KNOW is some sort of Indian H1B situation, going "Why me not have job I ready for job now who give me job for a fresher?" God I hate the word "fresher." Anyways, I've been watching the post slowly get covered in racial comments and 'noticing' and we'll see when the mods take it down.

It was taken down before I finished this post, hahaha!
 
stick said:
Emailed my...
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Oh cool, my twin.

I got past that same problem recently. The trick was to accept that you (we) are indeed the weird ones for prioritizing stuff like principles and charitable behavior. Normal people prioritize social capital (and have the mental hardware to manage it.) Just accept it; then you can work with that new reality instead of being bummed out by it. I promise it's very freeing and you'll be less gullible.
 
Today marks Uranus's ingress into Gemini after 7 long years in Taurus. Uranus brings an accelerated energy of change in an unpredictable way and will be positive change for those especially with Gemini placements.

Uranus is in detriment in Taurus so was a shitshow for everyone.

It's interesting that I woke up early for the first time in years.
 
Why am I friends with white people. I'm not good enough for them. I could never be good enough to be friends with a white person. She's so perfect.

Anyways
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bliblblblbbllb said:
This is going to be shitty advice, but the easiest way for me to handle the physical effects of anemia was pre-workout and sugarfree energy drinks. Even more than the caffeine, I found great mental impact from the megadoses of B-vitamins. However, you can get similar products- often marketed as "hydration supplements" or "recovery powder" that have similar make-ups without the caffeine. Yes they sell B-vitamin complexes but for some reason they always just make me sick, compared to sipping on a yummy energy drink over an hour or two.
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Huh. I think a couple of years ago or so when I was doing various tests, my doc got me to test iron levels too and they were rather high. Maybe it was somehow related to me drinking energy drinks rather often back then.
Fat Camp Intern said:
Today marks Uranus's ingress into Gemini after 7 long years in Taurus. Uranus brings an accelerated energy of change in an unpredictable way and will be positive change for those especially with Gemini placements.

Uranus is in detriment in Taurus so was a shitshow for everyone.

It's interesting that I woke up early for the first time in years.
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Idk much about astrology, but having a Taurus in Uranus sounds like trouble!
 
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