How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

Haven't been very productive today, I just don't feel good ig :/ Unhappy rn. Probably cause I keep doomscrolling and forming parasocial attachments. I don't wanna love myself but that's probably the only way I'll stop being all sad and laying in bed not eating anything but peanuts.
Idk why but my depression food is peanuts.
 
Boss asked about the resignation email I sent and (jokingly) said "I'm not going to let you quit." I wasn't able to explain very much of what's going on before we had to get back to work but that's alright. They're going to work with me about getting me the time off even if my leave isn't approved so we'll start there. Plus I do have dental insurance through my job so I might stick around long enough to get all my tooth related stuff sorted and done with. I wanted to quit so bad then got hit with unexpected expense after unexpected expense so it's not the greatest time. That's what savings are for, but still, I'd like to build them back up a little more before making sudden moves.

I did decide to just be cordial with my coworkers rather than friendly and it didn't feel too bad, actually. Got to see them take the hint and bother the other coworker they hate for help instead. Maybe it's fine if people think I'm a nutcase and a dick if it means they leave me alone. We'll see if my sensitive ass feels that way after a week. I hope so.
 
Getmeout said:
Haven't been very productive today, I just don't feel good ig :/ Unhappy rn. Probably cause I keep doomscrolling and forming parasocial attachments. I don't wanna love myself but that's probably the only way I'll stop being all sad and laying in bed not eating anything but peanuts.
Idk why but my depression food is peanuts.
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Yo, broski life a nigga, so you BUCK IT! BREAK IT EVEN!
 
You ever have a "damn bitch, you live like this?" moment but with your own parents?

It's been a week and I've mentally digested the ordeal that was returning to my old hometown for a family member's wedding. I stayed with my parents in my old childhood home for 3 nights and dear god it was terrible. Even though my family is all white, my parents have this third world mindset when it comes to maintenance. The carpet has all kinds of pet stains, the dishwasher has been broken for literal years and they never bothered to fix the water pressure (they're on a well). The last one was so bad that if someone else runs a sink or does laundry while you're showering, shower is reduced to a trickle. They said it's because there's a kink in one of the hoses leading to the water heater and yet, they haven't had someone investigate the issue.

And it's not like they're hoarders either. All their animals are VERY well taken care of, from the dogs to the cats to the horses, goats and chickens. And they aren't hoarders either. Just clutterbugs (which drove me up the wall when I lived with them). They just can't maintain shit aside from themselves or their pets/cars. The whole experience just spiked my existential dread and made me sooooo grateful for the small niche I've carved out for myself in another state. It's not much, but dammit, it's livable and not cluttered, cramped and full of pet stains and half broken appliances.
 
Otterly said:
Acute pain is a positive stimulus, it forces change. Chronic pain is what gets people. Stick your hand on a hot pan and you’ll automatically pull away. Be unable to escape the heat and you’ll have a different view.
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I don't mean burning myself on a pan, but the absolute inability to feel anything at all is the worst thing I've ever experienced.
 
Agares said:
You ever have a "damn bitch, you live like this?" moment but with your own parents?
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Are you sure they're not hoarders?

My father is a true and honest hoarder in denial (he even lied about it before she married him - he had rented a storage space he used to store junk) and my mother hasn't lived in a nice house since she married him. The carpet is threadbare in some parts and the house usually looks like a bomb hit it. Even the bathroom tile is covered in large spots of grey cement rather than just pink and white tiles.

When we had cats, they'd be taken care of, sure, but my dad's thing was electronics such as radios, printers, computer keyboards, and monitors. He will have an actual conniption if you throw his junk out. He claims he'll fix that stuff some day, but never does. When he visited my sister in California, we called a junk removal company and he almost came home early when he found out about it.

Shit sucks.
 
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Super Guido said:
Are you sure they're not hoarders?

My father is a true and honest hoarder in denial (he even lied about it before she married him - he had rented a storage space he used to store junk) and my mother hasn't lived in a nice house since she married him. The carpet is threadbare in some parts and the house usually looks like a bomb hit it. Even the bathroom tile is covered in large spots of grey cement rather than just pink and white tiles.

When we had cats, they'd be taken care of, sure, but my dad's thing was electronics such as radios, printers, computer keyboards, and monitors. He will have an actual conniption if you throw his junk out. He claims he'll fix that stuff some day, but never does. When he visited my sister in California, we called a junk removal company and he almost came home early when he found out about it.

Shit sucks.
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No, they're not hoarders. They know when to get rid of stuff that they don't need, but they still suck at storing and maintaining things properly.
 
Agares said:
No, they're not hoarders. They know when to get rid of stuff that they don't need, but they still suck at storing and maintaining things properly.
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This is gonna sound stupid, but have they ever asked for help in taking care of that stuff? Not that you'd do it, but maybe hire someone to help em?

They're not averse to getting rid of shit, so that's a good sign.
 
Super Guido said:
This is gonna sound stupid, but have they ever asked for help in taking care of that stuff? Not that you'd do it, but maybe hire someone to help em?

They're not averse to getting rid of shit, so that's a good sign.
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Nope and sometimes my criticism of them can be too blunt, and then my mom will get defensive. So I've learned to just keep my mouth shut.
 
Agares said:
The whole experience just spiked my existential dread and made me sooooo grateful for the small niche I've carved out for myself in another state. It's not much, but dammit, it's livable and not cluttered, cramped and full of pet stains and half broken appliances.
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I know the feeling. It's not their fault but there's literally no other way to resolve your problem with them other than you having to leave.
Super Guido said:
This is gonna sound stupid, but have they ever asked for help in taking care of that stuff? Not that you'd do it, but maybe hire someone to help em?

They're not averse to getting rid of shit, so that's a good sign.
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You can't fix them.
 
AnOminous said:
I don't mean burning myself on a pan, but the absolute inability to feel anything at all is the worst thing I've ever experienced.
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I don’t mean a pan either. The pan being a metaphor, just so i wasn’t whining too much, and all that.
What I mean is that I think situations where things are shit but not acutely dangerous can be the worst to escape. if your job is acutely dangerous you might be more incomes to leave, of it’s just slowly killing you with stress you are more likely to stay
So maybe you’re right. The less you feel the less agency you end up with. It’s why I won’t take antidepressants, or sleeping pills. They just lobotomise you. I’d rather be sad.
 
I am exhausted for some reason. I got decent sleep so I have no reason to be tired. I'm gonna blame my female biology and take a nap.
 
I have been busy, and I'm going to finish this application I've been working on by going into a billion appointments. I'm afraid it's all for naught and I will be rejected for a third time and I can continue living like a ghost in the country I grew up in while the imported goat fuckers are getting whatever the fuck they need to lay claim to what's left.
It was finally confirmed on paper that I have hearing loss, my ear drum isn't fully perfuated but I have visible scarring which has been medically noted for the first time and today I'm finding out how much hearing loss I have.

I've been sleeping!!!!!!
This is huge, I am sleeping pretty much throughout the night and deeply enough to remember fragments of dreams for the first time in about ten plus years.

I went to see local wrestling, it was a fuckton of fun!

It's just under a month away from going home to pack up the house, I'll be excited to be spending the summer away from this lunatic asylum.

Lots of rain, my dog hates it.
 
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