A few months ago my parents disowned me. And its been an emotional roller coaster between me being broke and almost homeless etc.
Me and friend A started hanging out more and he ocassionally invited me to hang out with his friend group. These are people from my major I already knew even way before him and was on friendly terms with. So dumb part of me thought I could join their friend group or we could all be friends.
I even opened up to one of them, B who I knew for longer (after he kept probing) about my parents disowning me and he said smth along the lines of how thats what found families in friends are for... and said we were friends?
We started hanging out more but smth still felt off or like I was still not one of them. Like how they had a gc without me, inside jokes, or the friend would say he needed to ask permission to see if it was okay for me to join each time etc. No biggie, i just found it strange.
I tend to be very supportive and they also do theatre so I started going to their shows to support them, I even helped them move etc.
(Another red flag being that none of them helped me move when it was my time to move?)
Eventually a couple of them started giving me the cold shoulder, or one night at a bar when I was trying to check in on B as he seemed off he said some hurtful things (we were both drunk) like how he was concerned me and A were spending so much time together as A only talks to me cus I give him an ego boost and I was basically nothing but his lap dog. I gently confronted A about this, partially venting about how it hurt me and he said it wasn't true but stopped inviting me to nights out (though we still hung out frequently).
This was like 2 months ago.
Well... Sunday I went to see them at a show to support them and it was gonna be B's Bday so I decided, that despite having practically mear no money, I would set some momey aside to make him brownies and surprise him.
We hung out at their place after, and they kept talking like I wasn't there, making plans in front of me, etc. I had already told A (and B) it made me feel awkward when they made plans I explicitly wasn't invited to in front of me as at best idk what to say or how to be part of the conversation. I tried to play it cool and go "oh no way what place?" and ask questions, to which they only gave me side eyes. So I started having a panic attack and excused myself to the bathroom to compose myself. Later that night, they started planning how they were spending tonight doing edibles and staying in etc... I have always talked about wanting to have friends to have a night in and do edibles with...
Anyways, today they are out celebrating by doing smth I have always dreamt of having friends to do with and eating the brownies I made. Meanwhile I am alone in my room crying
I thought making brownies would be smth nice to do for a friend for his bday, turns out it was actually just me being an idiot.
Ik I am not entitled to get invited places, though I wish I was, but I also wish they hadn't just made those plans so blatantly in front of me.
I wish I could tell A how hurtful that was, and that even if he can't control his friends' actions, he had noticed I was visibly having a panic attack and had to go cry in the bathroom, and could've asked me at least if I was okay. Like I always do for him...last time I brought it up he said he's not a therapist. But I'm not expecting a therapist, I have one, just one simple "hey you okay?" or maybe a hug?
I am trying to stay cool as I dont want to stir the pot. Experiencing so many strong emotions. So many socially unacceptable things I'm wanting to say such as asking what I'm doing wrong, telling them how hurtful it is to be excluded to your face.
Wanting to make a gc with all of them and confront them despite knowing how immature and a waste of time that is (plus itd be burning bridges)
Wanting to cry bc my bday is in one month and ik no one will remember or care and I have no one to celebrate it with. But knowing I can't tell anyone this and how I'm feeling unless I want to sound guilt-trippy and manipulative/toxic.
Knowing as always I have to swallow my pain and be the bigger person here.
