How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

[stick]

I wanted to keep my head down until I leave my job but my boss noticed something was up and pulled me aside to talk about it. I asked them not to address the team out of fear it would just make things worse but looks like it will happen anyways. I can't keep having work drama kiwis, I'm too retarded to cope with it being constant

 

[(((I am NOT a jew)))]

Thank you all for the support the last couple of days. I'm sorry if I seemed suicide-baiting. Things have not been going well.
I don't have any decent options around me right now if I continue on. Maybe cutting my losses is for the best.

I think it's going to be a very long time before I end up letting anyone in again. I doubt I'll ever actually have the normal relationships most people have. I'm just not that guy. But I also know my main failing this entire time was looking towards other people for something that I thought I couldn't give myself. It's not this monumental failing, since literally everyone does it. But I think I just never wanted to rip off the band-aid and be okay with myself or take the plunge and accept my own company.
That's literally the entire problem of most of civilization. Lots of loveless marriages, cults, religions, ideological groups, failed friendships, toxic jobs, horrible fandoms, misdirected malice, addictions, consumerist hobbies. It all comes from this weird place that starts when you're young where you feel like you have to be something or impress someone or be allowed the honor of existing. Rejecting all that is hard because society wants you to actively take part in it because it both makes a shitload of money, makes a lot of babies and also keeps people stuck in routines and cycles that support the former two.
I wish I wasn't so weak and relied on everyone else for my self worth my entire life. It would have been nice to not have to think of such drastic options without getting to this realization.

There's a possibility I don't need to literally die. I just need this person I am to die. Which will require sacrificing everything and starting with a clean slate. I still don't know if I prefer that option over not dealing with all this. I'll know pretty soon though.

Take care of yourselves.

 

[PetiteFeet]

Today has been a very bad, no good, awful awful day. I feel my mind and body rebelling against one another. One minute I feel fine, relatively anyway, and the next I feel like my brain is turning into soup in my skull and my bones feel like someone assembled me wrong, like a piece of IKEA furniture.
I also can't stop living in the past because I have nothing going on for me in the here and now. I am trapped in a downwards spiral of nostalgia and regret, and I am powerless to stop it.
Mental illness, not even once.

 

[Ygolonac]

I bought a modded Ipod off ebay maybe a year ago and it already died. I was enjoying listening to music and audiobooks on it. I ended up buying a new screen, new battery, new ribbon cables -- nothing worked. finally I caved and just bought a new busted up one yesterday; it was actually better than the one I had because it now had the search function and more ram. Got it for a great deal cheap. came in working fine, I would simply replace the scratched up screen and faceplate with the brand new ones I just bought / could harvest from my original, just put in my modern battery and SD card adaptor instead of the bulky hard drive and I've got an even better ipod than before.

I plug the new battery in and it instantly breaks one the super fragile pins which are a nightmare even to solder back on and just not worth the cost and effort. Just like that I now have two completely useless fucking bricks. I don't even care so much about the cost, I was looking forward to having this usable again and just immediately fucked it up as soon as I had the solution.

I can't remember the last time I was this irritated and am really surprised at how long these intense feelings of indignation have lingered for something so petty. I went to bed annoyed, spent my whole day annoyed, and then came back home to see this expensive pile of e-waste I created and got upset again. I feel defeated going back to just using my phone.

 

[Getmeout]

It's 2 AM and I just realized how stupid of a concept dating is.

So you wanna date someone, first you have to look the part. You can't be fat ig, so you have to lose weight. Oop, and you need clear skin, so buy some overpriced bs to rub on your face every morning. Also the girls and guys around you have "low standards" so you gotta go to the gym. Also have whatever garbage haircut and garbage clothing style is in fashion today. Great! You've removed all your individuality, time to go to the races!
So you meet this girl or guy and you're on a date. Gotta make sure you agree on everysingle thing because we don't like individuality remember, great! Uh ohh, they got the "ick", and they won't explain what the "ick" is. Ok, I guess you're single again.
Ehhh fuck it, let's just have a one night stand with a girl! Oh now you have rape allegations.

It's so retarded, omg, yourself is enough company. Why go through this torture for dick/pussy???

 

[_Delirium]

I have a hate love relationship with this site. I think I'm addicted to having people I can spill everything to that I can't tell anyone irl.

I hate my life and I spend today running from it. I hate being conscious. I will end up just like my parents.

 

[DenseDeerFather]

The fucking district manager came in today. For some reason, he took one of the basketballs from the stands in the store and came into the backrooms, playing with it and then just left it there.

?????????????

Fucking acting like he's Michael Bitch Ass Jordan. Fucking Harlem Cumtrotters. Chicago Bullshit. Shaquille O'Nigger.

I ran out of basketball references, but fuck him anyway, and I hope he spills coffee on his white shirt. Also, our workplace doesn't have a meeting room and hasn't had one for the two+ years the store has been open, so all meetings have to be conducted in the cafeteria. Which means I had to eat my lunch in the changing room. Glamorous!

It's not some small mom-and-pop; it's part of a massive national chain here, with stores all over the country and still opening more stores.

My workplace happens to have two massive but unfinished rooms that'd be great offices for the day-to-day operations or a bigger cafeteria, but they look like this, so tough shit.

(Disclaimer: not the actual rooms, just a representation of their state)

Regardless, come summer, I am probably moving on to a different position in a different field, so there's that.

 

[PetiteFeet]

It's so retarded, omg, yourself is enough company. Why go through this torture for dick/pussy???

For me, if I started dating it would be for the companionship and the potential partner fulfilling some needs I cannot fulfil myself. Loneliness kills. It's not about the sex, that'd be a nice bonus but it's a friendship on a deeper level that platonic relationships can't match.

 

[SOLDIER OF WALES]

Scheduled for an MMA class this week. TIME TO GET SOME HOBBIES. On the free trial thingamajig for a bit and hopefully I like it. Then I'll see about Fencing.

 

[Gay Sex Enjoyer]

Scheduled for an MMA class this week. TIME TO GET SOME HOBBIES. On the free trial thingamajig for a bit and hopefully I like it. Then I'll see about Fencing.

Be warned, you're probably going to sweat your ass off in fencing.

The gear gets hot as hell and the jacket has pretty poor airflow, especially with how much you're moving around. It's a cool experience but if you don't like being steamy just keep that in mind.

 

[long waters]

Why go through this torture for dick/pussy???

Because it feels good, duh! Also having someone to hug / cuddle with is good too, both as a feeling and for your mental health.
I think PetiteFeet said it best, but also yeah I agree with your sentiments about dating.

yourself is enough company.

It both is and isn't imo. On one hand, you should be comfortable with yourself, but on the other as Hemingway said, no man is an island.

The fucking district manager came in today. For some reason, he took one of the basketballs from the stands in the store and came into the backrooms, playing with it and then just left it there.

?????????????

Fucking acting like he's Michael Bitch Ass Jordan. Fucking Harlem Cumtrotters. Chicago Bullshit. Shaquille O'Nigger.

Lmfao, is your district manager Crunklord? He was talking about balling in the weightlifting thread just the other day

Thread tax: I'm in a good mood because my buddy Claude is a real G and helped me out with some stuff.

 

[Getmeout]

Because it feels good, duh! Also having someone to hug / cuddle with is good too, both as a feeling and for your mental health.

I think my thought process is... If someone loves you enough to cuddle and hold you, they would NOT make you go through all this garbage. I feel like having to do all these somersaults is a sign that it's just not going to work out.
The most long lasting marriages I've seen are the fat wrinkly Mexican people with 5 kids who still love eachother. Meanwhile the Kim K and Kanye's are... Well, Kim K and Kanye.
But what do I know, hehe

For me, if I started dating it would be for the companionship and the potential partner fulfilling some needs I cannot fulfil myself. Loneliness kills. It's not about the sex, that'd be a nice bonus but it's a friendship on a deeper level that platonic relationships can't match.

Fair, maybe it's cause my best friend likes doing most of what couples like to do with eachother with me. She was my date to every dance, we hold hands, we just don't kiss or anything. But maybe that's it, maybe people want someone to kiss.

The fucking district manager came in today. For some reason, he took one of the basketballs from the stands in the store and came into the backrooms, playing with it and then just left it there.

?????????????

LMAOOOO he reminds me of a family member of mine, back when he was like 16 he used to just randomly play basketball in the middle of public. Like he'd bring his basketball everywhere and then just start playing basketball in Walmart. It was honestly cute, very autistic. Like black autistic. I love that guy, he's always exempt from my black ramblings.

 

[long waters]

I think my thought process is... If someone loves you enough to cuddle and hold you, they would NOT make you go through all this garbage. I feel like having to do all these somersaults is a sign that it's just not going to work out.

But how do you get to know the other person to find out that you like them or they like you? It's not like someone will ever magically fall out of the sky and cuddle you.
There has to be some process through which you meet and bond somehow.

 

[N Space]

A few years ago I got into a few religious/philosophical debates with someone online. Basically, the details of this don't matter, because I still remember the shock he had when I told him I was a woman, and he straight up told me that he thought I was a "low testosterone soyboy." To this day I don't know what to make of it.

To me it sounds like he subconciously knew you are a woman but conciously coudn't accept it.

 

[stick]

But how do you get to know the other person to find out that you like them or they like you? It's not like someone will ever magically fall out of the sky and cuddle you.
There has to be some process through which you meet and bond somehow.

All romantic partners I've had started off as friends. I've tried going on traditional, spontaneous stranger-asks-to-grab-a-drink-with-you dates for the sake of being able to say I've had the experience and I hated every single moment of it. I'm too spergy for that stuff. So I kinda agree with both of you guys (and Petite), in that dating sucks, but having what is basically a Deluxe Best Friend you can also kiss is nice.

 

[PetiteFeet]

Fair, maybe it's cause my best friend likes doing most of what couples like to do with eachother with me. She was my date to every dance, we hold hands, we just don't kiss or anything. But maybe that's it, maybe people want someone to kiss.

Sounds pretty gay, ngl. I jest, that's a good friendship to have. I'm glad you have that

 

[Getmeout]

Sounds pretty gay, ngl. I jest, that's a good friendship to have. I'm glad you have that

She is indeed gay, but she's dating someone already, lol. They're both fine with this cause they know I'm straight and she's loyal. She's a great friend, hopefully you can find a guy like that

 

[Fat Camp Intern]

I have not slept well in fucking years. I have slept like the guy in the fucking Machinist for years. I can't believe the level of non-sleep I have had and the absolute insanity I have experienced.

There are 3 secrets to sleep that normies have no clue about.

The first is heavy metal chelation. Getting all that mercury and lead out of your nervous system is so important to being able to unwind. Use real chelators though like DMSA or DMPS.

Iodine. It's deficient in most and pushes out halogens like fluoride and bromide.

Sleeping grounded. This is the winner. Because being around electricity all day and being insulated from the earth leads to chronic levels of static electricity buildup in the body.

Other than that I'd just stay the fuck away from media in general for a few weeks. I'd bet any amount of money that if you do the above things and sleep out in nature / camp out in the woods, you'll sleep like a baby.

 

[Getmeout]

I have not slept well in fucking years. I have slept like the guy in the fucking Machinist for years. I can't believe the level of non-sleep I have had and the absolute insanity I have experienced.

My secret is you chug a bunch of laxatives and take a massive shit, like so massive it's traumatizing, and then you'll sleep for days.

Thread tax: Will order the weave hair soon, I'm thinking blue and black because... Idk, black's my natural hair color and blue is a pretty color. I don't think I'll ever venture into green and black, green and black to me is only good if you really like green or if it's just for a little bit.

 

[Cherry Milk]

I recently lost a very good friend. I don't know how to fill that friendship void.
I have other friends but I don't have any like her

My husband said that I should do things to meet other women my age. But that requires time, money and energy I don't have. Sigh.