Seeing as he's gone offline with his daily rage quit, I thought now would be a good time to catch up on an old episode. So here's some classic Russell from season two of "Law and Order: Special Snowflake Unit"...
It's May 2016 and Russell is growing a little frustrated with Farrah Abraham for not responding to his lawsuit against her...
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She hasn't given him a drop of attention when he was certain that his threat of a lawsuit against her would make her super wet and have her come running to him.
Becoming jaded and starting to lose hope that Farrah would be his girl, he did however have a plan 'b' , or more precisely, a plan 'k'...
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His little friend from law school, Katie, who he used to sit and have his sandwiches with had let slip one lunch time that Kylie and her then boyfriend Tyga had broken up. Russ wasted no time declaring his love for her and how he was going to treat her right...
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Following his patented R.U.S.S.E.L.L dating system, he immediately set about writing a song to "woo" his celebrity crush. However, being a bit of a conservationist, Russell hates wasting anything. So seeing as Farrah didn't like the song he had wrote for her, he decided to reuse it for Kylie (let's face it, she's a Kardasian and a 6 at best so really doesn't deserve a song written specially for her)...
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His friend Katie clearly thought that was a great idea, whilst dreaming that Russell would one day forget this foolish business of trying to woo celebrities and see that she had been there all along, the true love of his life, right by his side supporting and encouraging him through all his crazy, serial stalker antics - Hmmph, not a chance, get over it girl, you're a 2 at best!
But Katie's job of reassuring Russell that this was a great idea and not some bat shit crazy, next level wannabe be serial killer kind of nonsense was done and Russ set about changing the lyrics of the beautiful "A Song For Farrah" (co-composed on piano with Sir Elton John) around a little for Kylie, to tell her exactly how he felt about her and explain what his intentions were. Like, literally...
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Such poetry, who could fail to be "wooed" by such beautiful, poetic lyrics? But not everyone was as butt kissingly supportive as Katie and his other friend, Christina, wasn't so sure this approach was going to work. She wasn't filled with confidence, maybe based on the 'success' of the shakey Farrah Abraham and Heidi Klum pitches (let me tell you that Heidi bitch was lucky she didn't get a slice of sue-pie just like Farrah after rejecting that beautiful song he wrote her and had even sung himself!), so she tried gently breaking it to Russ...
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Back of the fucking hand! Shut the fuck up dum' bitch and read them fucking lyrics! (Christina and Russ are no longer friends...)
However, there was one problem... the music was recycled, the lyrics were rewritten, the bed was made and the champagne and condoms were on ice, but poor old Russell had ran out of money to have the song professionally produced, having blown his wad on suing that ungrateful horse faced Farrah.
So, everything would just have to be put on hold until he won his lawsuit against Farrah, then he'd have the readies to produce his wootastic song for Kylie and complete his conquest!
But then disaster struck. Russ got wind of the fact that Farrah had hired a lawyer and was going to countersue his ass, God damn...
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So, starting to think his "sure thing" lawsuit against Farrah wasn't such a sure thing after all, Russ would have to have a rethink. But rest assured, Kylie was still at the top of his list of celebrities he planned on "trying to gain a connection with" (nothing like knowing you're someone's one, true love)...
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But just when she thought she was a shoe in and was busy at home washing her best underwear and freshening up her lady parts ready to go on her date with Russ, out of the blue along came Julianne to knock Kylie off the top spot for Russ's affections...
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Stealing his heart and stealing Kylie's song that her wrote about her to try to win a connection, Julianne was his new sweetheart! Or was it Ariana...
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Arrgh, who can keep up! Ariana, Kylie and Julianne weren't alone, there were so many girls queued, with songs written, flowers ordered, $99 suit pressed, all waiting for Russell's attention and a chance to form a connection with him...
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All he needed was the money to produce these fantastic songs to start wooing these women over, one by one, working his way up the show biz ladder as he worked his way through this carefully selected celebrity ho train.
Russell couldn't wait and he knew for sure that all of these ladies would soon be his, falling head over heels for his talents, his ambition and his 9/10 good looks. And in the mean time, there was always porn...
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Cut. End of episode, end credits start to roll...
Voice over credits - "Next week on Law and Order: Special Snowflake Unit, how Russell got cheated out of a date by that horse faced Farrah Abraham and sued her ass in court (almost)!"
Brought to you by "I've got your entire life backed up on disk" productions.
Credits come to an end, an animated robot runs across screen, a young boy announces "I made this!" and Stephen J Cannell tears a page from his typewriter...
