- Joined
- Sep 20, 2016
First, false dichotomy. Where is friendship, in this? Where is sharing interests with girls who you might not even be attracted to? Where are girls within the full spectrum of social relationships with other humans, not just "family members" and "providers of love and sex"?
Second, notice how it's "make girls fall in love with you," as if it was all about convincing (or coercing) them to do something they wouldn't naturally want to do.
He admits that a few girls have shown interest, only to reject him once they started to get to know him a little better. And I'm going to guess that's because he's so fucking needy, and everything is about getting her to love him, and getting the love and companionship he's dreamed about. He's totally self-absorbed, and so focused on what a girlfriend will do for him--that a girl wants something out of the relationship besides devotedly showering him with acceptance and affection doesn't even compute.
So how the fuck does he expect a girl to fall in love with him when he can't even relate to them well enough to form simple bonds of friendship? He's a "social vegetable" with girls, and he wonders why they won't give him what he longs for, while feeling he deserves it?
Dude, it was your parents' jobs to provide for your physical and emotional needs without the expectation that you would provide anything in return. It's too bad they fucked up and didn't teach you that reciprocity is essential to human relationships, and that if you want something from other people you have to give them what they're seeking in exchange. And it's too bad they didn't teach you that women have their own thoughts, desires, and interests, and that women outside your immediate family would reasonably expect something from you before sharing the love, affection, and connection you thirst for.
Okay, enough of this budding incel; here's something I've been pondering:
Nice Guys and incels and awkward teenage boys all get the same advice. "Be confident! Women love confidence!"
But I think confidence is the wrong word. I think the quality that women actually love is competence.
A man who has his act together, who can get along with other people, who is skilled in some important way, and who has the cool, calm ability to deal with whatever shit comes up is attractive. It doesn't matter what he looks like or what he does for a living; if he's at home in the world and among other people, he's a fully competent adult human, and that's a powerful thing.
Genuine confidence rises from a sense of one's own competency. When you can successfully interact with people in all kinds of situations, and have skills others need and/or admire, and know you can handle whatever shit life throws at you, of course you're going to be confident. And when you have that natural confidence that comes from knowing your own competence, all kinds of people will gravitate toward you and want to be part of that--including women who are interested in you as a potential sex partner, boyfriend, or spouse.
So telling most of these bitter, lonely, desperate dudes to be more confident doesn't do jack shit because most of them are fundamentally incompetent at being adult humans--and they know it. "Confidence" is like slapping on a happy-face sticker to cover the gaping hole in their own self-concept, when what they really need to do is the hard work of filling that hole with genuine competency. Unfortunately, most of them are only competent at the most trivial shit (like gaming), or if they do have real-world competencies (such as programming), those are negated by their lack of social competence.
And I'll argue that social competence is the one core competency that determines whether men will be successful with women. We've all known some guy who is a bum, a fuckup, a loser, or a chronic underachiever, yet women still adore him, and he's always got at least one girlfriend. Why? Because he has a high level of social competence. He's charming as hell, not just toward women he wants to fuck, but toward everybody. He makes people laugh. He carries on actual conversations with women in which he treats them as interesting people who say things worth listening to, and he has things to talk about beyond sports, gaming, tech, and the latest entertainment mega-franchise. And while he may not be competent in any other way--and he may be a complete bullshit artist--he at least understands reciprocity, and knows how to make other people feel good, so when he hits them up for money, smokes, food, a ride, a place to stay, sex, or to join his cult, they're far more likely to say yes.
Over and over, be it on this thread, or the r/incels one, we see guys who aren't just lacking confidence; they're socially incompetent. They're especially fixated on the problems this creates between them and the women they desire, but it extends to their relationships with other men, too, who they see as adversaries. Thus, performing basic social niceties (that socially competent people extend to others without thinking about it) are accomplishments they should be rewarded for, in the manner they've decided upon in advance, without consulting the target of their attention about what they might think or want.
Nice Guys/incels can't see the situation from other people's perspectives, they can't empathize, they can't connect. They're each in a bubble of their own self-absorption, focused on their own wants and appetites, and furious when they aren't given what they want, when they want it, how they want it. They're stuck at the toddler stage, have all the social competency that entails, and telling them to be "confident" is like telling them to be even whinier and grabbier.
What they really need is to grow past the toddler stage, and come to understand that other humans have independent existences, and that they have to give others what they want and value in order to receive value in return. But the ability to understand and respect others' wants--and how you might (or might not) be able to fulfill them--is a basic level of social competency these dudes can't even comprehend.
And they would still blame Chad cause even the gay male version of Stacy wont touch that.
