Smoothies and Shakes - Healthy slush for Healthy Kiwis

[AnOminous]

In a semi drunken burst of autistic creativity, I decided to start creating recipes for Chris Chan themed morning protein shakes.

Here is the one i hashed out this morning. will try and make it later on in the week and give my honest appraisal

THE CLASSIC CHRIS

Themed around certain aromas and tastes associated with Christian Weston Chandler at his prime, drinking this should set you in a nostalgic mood as you imbibe the salty orange flavours, inhale the recreated aromas of Chris's favourite Axe bodyspray (Phoenix), taste the slight notes of watermelon, and feel your bowels writhe in agony due to all the fiber contained within the shake, setting you up to recreate some truly classic DIRTY. CRAPPED. BRIEFS.

500ml Orange Juice - preferably a strongly flavoured brand. best with pulp.
2.5 scoopfuls of unflavoured or chocolate-orange protein whey - if you want a sweeter drink then the chocolate orange may be better, but for a purely orange palate go with unflavoured
1 large pinch of salt - goes down salty
1 small scoop of watermelon BSN powder or 100ml watermelon juice - for a more palatable taste of the unforgettable rotting watermelon bouquet so renowned by those who have met chris IRL If you use the juice than reduce orange juice to 400ml
1 tablespoon mixed orange/lemon zest - first part of the phoenix AXE recreation
1 small sprig of fresh lavender - second AXE component. use enough flowers for a decent teaspoon give or take
1/2th a teaspoon or 1 teaspoon of rosewater - final AXE component. technically should be geranium but cant find a decent and affordable edible geranium oil
3 tablespoons of Chia Seeds - for fibre, protein, and texture
6 pucks of frozen spinach, smashed into smaller chunks (about 200g give or take) - you will need all the fibre possible to recreate the feeling of chris's spastic colon
1 Tablespoon of good quality coconut oil/olive oil - MCT oil is especially good, but good quality olive/coconut oil is good both healthwise and texturewise

OPTIONAL - If you have the liquors needed for a long island iced tea (gin, rum, vodka, tequila, triple sec) add a dash of each to the mix

After adding all this to a good blender, blend till utterly smooth and freezing foam. Drink, and savour the tastes of christian weston chandler as his juice trickles down your throat

>no fanta

 

[Judge Holden]

>no fanta

carbonated drinks dont blend well. thats why im using orange juice as a liquid agent

 

[Super Collie]

Super Collie's Super Smoothie
- a strawberry banana yogurt cup
- a banana
- a handful of strawberries
- a couple scoops of vanilla frozen yogurt
- a tablespoon or two of whipped cream
- Jumex strawberry banana juice

Eyeball the amounts of the ingredients, then blend until it's not chunky. Or keep it chunky and eat it with a spoon I don't care.

It's probably bad for you because of all the frozen yogurt.

 

[Trans Fat 41g]

It's probably bad for you because of all the frozen yogurt.

I'll literally add my own cum to help make it healthier don't worry.

 

[ES 148]

Vrakks' "Seriously Not Even A Smoothie" smoothie

Basically I once had to buy my Food Tech ingredients in a hurry on the way to school, and ended up with double cream instead of fat-free yoghurt. For a healthy smoothie.

- One tub of double cream
- A bunch of blackberries

jam them in a blender for a while
it's just whipped cream with blackberries it's so delicious but so diabetic

 

[Deez Nuts]

As anyone on chat recently has seen, I have lately been back on the protein shakes, and have been experimenting with various veggies that can be snuck in to a shake in frozen form to add much needed nutrients with no change to flavour (since they frozen and all), and I realised we should have a thread where those who like to indulge in such shakes or smoothies can exchange recipes and ideas

To start us off here is the recipe I created like 3 days ago.

THE ICE COLD POPEYE

So named for its enormous spinach content, huge protein boost, and the fact its frosty cold when finished.

300-350ml tard cum
3 tablespoons of Chia Seeds
2.5 scoopfuls of chocolate protein whey
1-2 shots of dark rum
1 pinch of salt
6 pucks of frozen spinach, smashed into smaller chunks (about 200g give or take)
1 Tablespoon of good quality Olive Oil (or coconut oil...coconut oil is probably better tbh)
Green food colouring. enough to turn the whole thing cartoonishly green (very optional)

Put it all in a litre sized blender-shaker-bottle, attatch to blender and blend till absolutely smooth and bereft of any lumps.

Drink while still freezing cold.

WARNING: this drink will turn your shit very, very green. even if you dont bother with the food colouring.

also you will fart a lot.

Why the rum honestly? Seems counterproductive.

 

[Judge Holden]

Why the rum honestly? Seems counterproductive.

Flavour. Dark spiced rum has a very strong flavour which can marry the other tastes very well. dont have to use a lot, just enough to taste

 

[Judge Holden]

KEURIG KOFFEE KALAMITY

Named after the fire that almost consumed 14 branchland court, this smokey, boozy, coffee based smoothie brings to mind an icy reminder of the flame induced panic and madness experienced by Chris and Barb as their quest for midnight coffee led to their coveted horde of junk going up in flames around them

500ml chilled black coffee - good quality instant coffee works if you wanna simplify it
0.5-1 shot bourbon - kentucky up the coffee, you want enough booze and caffine to recreate a fraction of chris's autistic panic upon seeing his house aflame
0.5-1 shot kahlua - Ibid
0.5 teaspoon liquid smoke - be careful not to add too much.
2.5 scoopfuls chocolate whey - coffee flavoured could also work
250g frozen spinach (8 pucks) - wouldnt be a chris chan drink without something to cause DIRTY. CRAPPED. BRIEFS.
4 tablespoons chia seeds - Ibid
1 Tablespoon of good quality coconut oil/olive oil

Blend to absolute smoothness without any lumps (i like to first blend the plain coffee with the spinach until smooth, then blend in the other ingredients to ensure no spinach lumps remain) and enjoy in front of a nice warm fire on a cool winter morning.