Bear with me, please. There's a lot to this.
My boyfriend and I have been together for five years. As in any relationship, we've had or fair share of issues that we've had to overcome. About a year into dating, we were living together and exploring sexuality. We began sleeping with other people, but always together. We are both bisexual so this included men and women, and he is heavily kinky. He also suffers from depression, and as a result of that there were times he became very distant and emotionally unavailable. About 2.5 years in he actually broke up with me, saying that he wasn't in love with me and never would be. This lasted about 2 weeks before we ended up repairing things.
As our relationship started to progress, I began to ask about the future (marriage, kids, etc) but he was unable to commit. Kids he was on the fence about, but leaned towards not wanting them. At around our 4 year mark, I started to crave more than just one night stands with random people and we found a girlfriend first followed by a boyfriend. This all went okay for a little less than a year, but things fell apart because the gf was manipulative and intentionally driving wedges between us, and then the new bf relapsed on heroin.
My long term partner cut him out of his life, and insisted that I do the same. However... During my partners emotional distancing, I fell very hard for our new boyfriend. I didn't want to abandon him like that, and said so. This created an even bigger rift between my partner and I. We started arguing more and drifted further apart. I became sort of fixated on whether or not we would be progressing as a couple. One day, we sat down to talk about our relationship and I asked him (again) if he EVER wanted kids, and he told me no. As much as it hurt, we wanted to pursue different paths in life so I moved out.
Shortly after moving out, I reconnected with our ex-bf. After 2 months my ex-partner and I tried to get back together again, and when it didn't work that time around, I decided to pursue things further with the bf. We started being intimate and in about a month and a half, I got pregnant. I panicked, as I wasn't even at the point where I was ready to call him my bf again coupled with his addiction, but we decided to try to make things work. Just because things weren't complicated enough, my ex-partner reached out to me again and I told him about the situation expecting he would never want to speak to me again. Initially he was angry but ultimately he still asked me to come back and raise the baby together. I decided the baby's father and I needed to give things a shot, but I was so emotional and unstable I couldn't put in the necessary effort. After a few too many arguments, baby's father and I stopped talking for around a month. At this point I decided to try to work things out with my ex-partner again....again... But no matter what I did I was miserable. When I was with one I missed the other. I felt incomplete without them both. So in a short-lived whirlwind of craziness, the three of us tried to be together again. It was wonderful for about a week before baby's father pulled out, saying he couldn't be in that type of relationship and he wanted US to be together and be a family.
So here I am, 6 months pregnant and beyond emotionally fucked. I know this is mostly my fault. I know I'm going to end up hurting one of the men I love even more. But I don't know what to do. My partner and I have been through so much together, and this time around he finally seems committed to making it work. Says he does want to build a life with me, get married and have kids. We're scheduled to go to couples therapy. Part of my issue with him is in the bedroom though. For the past year+ I haven't been able to get wet, and no longer feel any passion or drive to be intimate with him. My desire for my child's father, however, is out of this world. We connected on such a deep level... Spiritually, physically and emotionally. Plus we are now bonded for life by this baby. But IDK if that's a stable enough relationship to build a life on. Even though at this point he has a year clean, any addict can relapse and it's scary.
Both of them are fully aware of how I feel, and both of them want to be with me. At this point I just don't know what to do. If you read all of this, thank you, and any guidance is appreciated. I feel so lost and almost too depressed to function lately...
Idk if it's relevant, but I'm 29/F, partner is 36/M, childs father is 34/M.
TL;DR I'm torn between my baby's father and my long term live together boyfriend after our poly relationship ended.
