Historical Lolcow General

[Slap47]

Daniel Sickles (October 20, 1819 – May 3, 1914)

Sickles is famous for his ill concieved decision to abandon General Meade's fishhook defensive line to a peach orchard but that is simply the conclusion of a crazy adventure.

-Rises through the ranks of Tammany hall to become a successful Democratic politician
-Marries a prostitute
-That prostitute cheats on him with his best friend
-He murders that best friend in broad daylight in-front of dozens of witnesses
-Claims he was consumed with rage and claims temporary insanity
-Wins historic case and becomes celebrity
-Forgives wife and becomes hated and mocked as a cucked loser

-General Johnson fires on Fort Sumter and the civil war begins
-Sickles sees a chance to restore his reputation
-Goes to the dockyards, gangs, bars, whore houses, homeless shelters to get rank and file
-Gets firefighters and policemen to become his NCOs
-The Excelsior Brigade and others are formed

-Lincoln is wary of Sickles for being a northern Democrat and suspicious of the brigade who had somehow already gained a reputation for being a bunch of criminals and degenerates
-Sickles is not made general of the men he raised

-Lincoln gets in trouble for leaked speeches
-Really huge deal that could end in impeachment
-Sickles immediately takes a carriage to save the President
-Concocts a retarded plan
-The WhiteHouse gardener memorized the speeches and leaked them
-Whatever
-Sickles made Brigadier General by 1 vote in the senate with Lincolns blessing

-He had missed all of the cataclysmic Union defeats his brigade had to suffer through
-Does alright at the battle of Seven Pines
-Gettysburg
-Brigade is demoralized and exhausted from days of marching and losing
-General Meade orders Sickles to hold the southern part of his "fishhook" line, an extremely excellent position

-Sickles sees a chance to win glory
-Moves his boys off the hills to a peach orchard forward of the line
-CSA General Longstreet is pleasantly surprised to find that he no longer has to attack Sickles strong position
-Union soldiers get massacred and pushed back and the whole fishhook line is compromised
-Sickles gets his leg blown off
-Outnumbered brigades hold off the confederates at the defensive lines Sickles should have been holding

-"I won that battle, fuck general Meade"
-Dedicates his life to hating on General Meade and claiming to be the hero of Gettysburg
-Gets medal of honor
-Embezzles a shit ton of money through various positions in New York government
-Dies of syphilis old age a hero and gets a giant funeral

Sources:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Daniel_Sickles
http://www.historynet.com/daniel-sickles-an-unlikely-union-general.htm

 

[CatParty]

Mark David Chapman was also a proto lolcow. He was absolutely obsessed with catcher in the rye and was fictionkin to holden caufield and he was a massive attention whore

Herostratus arsonist of the temple of artemis was also probably a lolcow as he did it only to have his name remembered

Why don't people get that Holden Caulfield was an asshole and a lolcow, sort of like Salinger himself? Mark David Chapman is exactly the kind of asshole who would worship that jackass.

I just finished listening to a podcast about Chapman. He’s totally an autistic lolcow especially when hearing about his made up fantasy land that’s eerily similar to cwcville

 

[GethN7]

I covered one post-Civil War politician in this thread, might as well cover another guy.

Everyone knows Andrew Johnson was the asshole who succeeded Lincoln and nearly got impeached because he decided to show his ass to Congress, but his lolcowery ran much deeper.

Johnson grew up a poor guy who developed a massive hateboner for rich people, especially the stupidly wealthy slaveowners of the South who held society by the balls and made sure poor white guys like him got the short end of the stick.

Understandable, but while he gains further points for remaining loyal to the Union and was picked as Lincoln's VP in 1864 as a concession to the South (Johnson was a southern Democrat who was military governor of the state of Tennessee during the Civil War), no sooner did Lincoln wind up dead is when Johnson's true lolcow tendencies burst into full flower.

First off, he made a LOT of noises about how he was gonna roast the traitors of the South over a slow fire to win over the Radical Republicans, and since they though Lincoln was was too soft on the South, they initially supported him. However, they soon wound up regretting this when they realized what he really wanted:

He was basically happy to let the former fat cats of the South off, but only after forcing them to basically suck him off for a political pardon.

That aside, he didn't give a fuck how much they wanted to screw over the former slaves or which former Confederates got back into power so long as they at least obeyed the basic conditions of the 13th Amendment and gave him a handjob first.

But it gets worse. Despite supporting the 13th Amendment (mostly because despite being a former slave owner himself, he considered it the perfect revenge on the former slave aristocracy), he was such a flaming racist asshole he openly called black people niggers in front of everyone and wound up pissing off even the moderate Republicans and even many Democrats because he basically wanted to tell Congress to go fuck itself and run Reconstruction himself.

But the peak lolcow moment happened just before he got hit with an impeachment trial: He really wanted to fire Edwin Stanton, Lincoln's chosen Secretary of War, largely because without him, Johnson could do as he pleased concerning Reconstruction, but a then legal Tenure of Office Act prevented dismissal of any cabinet member who required Senate confirmation without their assent, so he launched a harebrained scheme where he suspended (but not fired) Stanton, made U.S. Grant acting secretary in the meantime, then basically planned to fire Stanton soon after on some bullshit insubordination charge and wanted Grant to play along even though it would have been flagrantly illegal.

Grant immediately resigned, handed the keys to his office back to Stanton, and spilled Johnson's idiotic plan to the Senate, prompting Johnson to try BTFOing Grant OVER REFUSING TO BREAK THE LAW FOR HIM, and it was this moment of dumbassery that earned Johnson an impeachment trial he just barely eked an acquittal from.

Regardless, Johnson was basically toothless politically afterwards and both the Democrats and Republicans told him to fuck off come the next election.

To rub salt in the wound, Grant was nominated by the Republicans, and Grant accepted, partially because Johnson's bullshit pissed him off so bad and Johnson's willingness to fuck up the government just so he could swing his political dick offended him so badly he wanted to put back the country together that Johnson was willing to further fracture over his butthurt grudges.

 

[Slap47]

Grigory Ivanovich Kulik ( November 9, 1890 – August 24, 1950)

-Born a poor Ukrainian peasant
-Joins the Tzarist army for ww1
-Defects to Red army in 1917 and is placed under Joseph Stalin near Tsaritzyn
-The White army with superior numbers and the support of British-manned Mark V tanks and planes captures the city.
-Stalin's fresh forces (literally called the "Army of Steel", named after Stalin) arrive and recapture the city from the exhausted White army that had had used up all of its petrol.
-Kulik commanded 3 out of date cannons that played little role in the battle
-This is Stalin's glorious moment and he'll remember everybody who participated in it with him fondly.
-Kulik is appointed a general for the Battle of Poland (1919) and Poland successfully exploits him to capture Kiev but Stalin's more competent friend Semyon Budyonny saves the day.

-20 years later because I can't find shit about this guy
-Kulik is appointed to several key director positions in military industry.
-Kulik survives the great purge and is a key leader in the modernization of the soviet military
-Believes that tanks are bad because they encourage cowardice and that motor vehicles can't replace cavalry
-Believes that machine guns encourage the waste of ammunition and that minefields are dishonorable
-Believes that grenades are too dangerous and that helmets are unnecessary
-Kulik spergs out and sabotages the production of all of these things but fails to sabotage the mechanization of the army. However, he does delay the production of the T-34 and Kv1 tanks

1939
-In charge of the artillery for the Winter War
-Fails miserably

1940
-Kulik promoted to Marshal (highest military rank) along 2 other people who are actually competent.
-Manages to rescue almost 200,000 Polish prisoners of war from being executed. Only the officers are executed.
-Stalin has Kuliks wife killed

1941
-The Soviets take horrifying losses as they struggle to slow down the Nazis and constantly face encirclement.
-Kulik is placed in charge of the defense of Leningrad and the city is immediately surrounded.
-Kulik is sacked from military command but not killed despite the fuckup being his fault.
-Minefields are placed around Stalingrad, Leningrad and Moscow and prove to be critical to the defenses of these cities. Minefields end the problem of encirclement.
-Thousands of machine guns are produced, whole divisions are armed with sub machine guns for battles like Stalingrad
-T-34 tanks are produced by the tens of thousands.
-Kulik loses command of industry positions as more competent man step up in every field of industry.

1945-1950
-Kulik laments about Stalin and other politicians trying to take credit away from generals like him
-Stalin is listening in because of course he is.
-Kulik is executed.


Khrushchev posthumously restores Kulik's rank of Marshal because he obviously deserved that rank.



Description of his command style from Wikipedia:

Kulik was considered a notoriously abusive and ineffective commander and bureaucrat, wildly erratic and unpredictable in his actions and considered by even his colleagues to be a "murderous buffoon", albeit one who bore Stalin's official approval.He championed a bizarre personal command motto he dubbed "Jail or Medal"; those under his command were either showered with (usually unearned) awards and decorations if he favored them, or simply arrested and sent to the Gulag on trumped-up charges if he did not. He would also shout his command motto at his subordinates during meetings as a form of motivation if he felt they were on the verge of displeasing him. While this was, in many ways, typical behavior for Stalinist bureaucrats, Kulik's heavy-handed influence on the critical arms factories and design bureaus he controlled resulted in great disruption to Soviet production when whole technical committees and factories were arrested en masse on his whim and replaced with personal cronies from his power base in Leningrad.

Sources:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grigory_Kulik

 

[AnOminous]

Grant immediately resigned, handed the keys to his office back to Stanton, and spilled Johnson's idiotic plan to the Senate, prompting Johnson to try BTFOing Grant OVER REFUSING TO BREAK THE LAW FOR HIM, and it was this moment of dumbassery that earned Johnson an impeachment trial he just barely eked an acquittal from.

The Tenure of Office Act was unconstitutional, though. It should never have been passed.

 

[GethN7]

The Tenure of Office Act was unconstitutional, though. It should never have been passed.

Yeah, it was a lolcow law passed to basically let Congress hold the president by the balls.

The point still remains it was legally enforced until the Supreme Court struck it down, and Johnson was basically expecting Grant to go to prison for him defying it just so he could get his way.

 

[Hellbound Hellhound]

I'm a bit surprised no one here has mentioned the Marquis de Sade. He was pretty much the 18th century equivalent of what we would consider to be a horrorcow, and like many modern day lolcows, he constructed just about his entire identity around his weird sexual fixations.

 

[AnOminous]

I'm a bit surprised no one here has mentioned the Marquis de Sade. He was pretty much the 18th century equivalent of what we would consider to be a horrorcow, and like many modern day lolcows, he constructed just about his entire identity around his weird sexual fixations.

He's actually fairly well regarded as a writer, even though much of what he wrote would make William S. Burroughs blush, and I've even seen him defended as a proto-feminist, although I think that's a bit off.

 

[soy_king]

If no one has posted him yet, I'll mention Idi Amin. His title alone should be worth something.
"His Excellency, President for Life, Field Marshal Al Hadji Doctor Idi Amin Dada, VC, DSO, MC, Lord of All the Beasts of the Earth and Fishes of the Seas and Conqueror of the British Empire in Africa in General and Uganda in Particular"

 

[Darwin Watterson]

If no one has posted him yet, I'll mention Idi Amin. His title alone should be worth something.
"His Excellency, President for Life, Field Marshal Al Hadji Doctor Idi Amin Dada, VC, DSO, MC, Lord of All the Beasts of the Earth and Fishes of the Seas and Conqueror of the British Empire in Africa in General and Uganda in Particular"

Wasn’t he a cannibal?

 

[soy_king]

Wasn’t he a cannibal?

I don't believe so. Jean Bedel Bokassa (another historical lolcow) had allegations of cannibalism against him that were dropped.

 

[Francis E. Dec Esc.]

Haitian dictator Francois 'Papa Doc' Duvalier modeled himself after Baron Samedi (the voodoo death god) and turned the island into a voodoo theocracy, claimed responsibility for the assassination of JFK with a voodoo curse, ordered all black dogs in Haiti to be killed because he believed that one of his political rivals was a shapeshifter, and was re-elected in a totally not rigged election in 1961 with 100% of the vote.

 

[Darwin Watterson]

Filipino president Ferdinand Marcos and his wife Imelda.

They flew the Beatles in to do some shows there, and as soon as they got to the Philippines, Marcos had sent military personnel to tell the Beatles that their presence was requested. Seeing as how this was right after a long flight, the Beatles declined, as they wanted to rest up before performing. Imelda threw a shit-fit and tried to have them killed. They ended up having to sneak back to the airport.

 

[Ceiling Kitten]

Filipino president Ferdinand Marcos and his wife Imelda.

They flew the Beatles in to do some shows there, and as soon as they got to the Philippines, Marcos had sent military personnel to tell the Beatles that their presence was requested. Seeing as how this was right after a long flight, the Beatles declined, as they wanted to rest up before performing. Imelda threw a shit-fit and tried to have them killed. They ended up having to sneak back to the airport.

And this is without taking in consideration how Imelda was totally, enormously, autistically obsessed with shoes.

 

[The Jumping Dwarf]

Today I learned troons have been lolcows since at least the 19th century.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Harry_Allen_(trans_man)

 

[Doctor of Autism]

I am going to mention Dante Alighieri. While he has had a huge impact on the world of literature for his time. Beneath those qualities is a truly exceptional individual.

He wrote a work where he writes a self insert of himself guided to all stages of the afterlife by his favorite poet because a girl he only knew twice who had been married by the time he had been writing the poem and it didn't help that Dante himself was married with multiple children. While many argue that these types of marriages at the time were not out of true love but for political reasons. However, Dante had several children and seems to show contempt for his wife.

In the first part of his poem, he goes through Hell to see people he hated in real life be tortured in gruesome detail, and this includes people who were still alive at the time. He also wished people in countless cities to die in horrifying ways because people he didn't like had lived there.

In the second part of his poem, he had done the same with wishing death upon cities and acted like a smug cunt going on about how smart he is as well by treating him as an enlightened spirit. He also had his crush go berate him for not having the balls to go date her which seems to imply Dante himself showed contempt for his own wife.

In the third part, it is nothing really special except for him treating his childhood crush as the second coming of Jesus Christ.

These are all important because the journey he presents shows that people go to Hell or don't go to Heaven due to loving other things more than God yet Dante fueled by his lust loves a woman he barely met over God yet he is the chosen who goes to Heaven when he has wished death upon people for living in cities, and putting more effort into writing about people he doesn't like being tortured.

He also portrays his enemies as people who are stupid, arrogant, or in some cases mature only just to admit that Dante himself is right. He jerks all over his own ego by having famous historical figures praise him as a genius which so happened to be people he had admired in the past.


tl;dr Dante is essentially the 13th-14th century version of Chris and anyone who makes these types of comics:

 

[OhGoy]

pretty much every communist was a lolcow

 

[Doctor of Autism]

Remember that story Vivian wrote about Chris running a country? I give you Saparmurat Niyazov (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Saparmurat_Niyazov), basically Chris ACTUALLY running a country, in this case Turkmenistan. Among other things, he ordered the calendar to be rewritten so the months were named after members of his family, commissioned a building made of ice in the middle of the desert so his people could learn how to ice skate, and declared himself "Father of the Country," rather than having that title posthumously given to him by the people like most countries do. I think was possibly the only dictator MORE insane than the Kim family.

You forgot the part where he banned dogs cause he thought they smelled bad, or banned lip syncing in concerts.

 

[Ginger Piglet]

In the first part of his poem, he goes through Hell to see people he hated in real life be tortured in gruesome detail, and this includes people who were still alive at the time. He also wished people in countless cities to die in horrifying ways because people he didn't like had lived there.

In the second part of his poem, he had done the same with wishing death upon cities and acted like a smug cunt going on about how smart he is as well by treating him as an enlightened spirit. He also had his crush go berate him for not having the balls to go date her which seems to imply Dante himself showed contempt for his own wife.

In the third part, it is nothing really special except for him treating his childhood crush as the second coming of Jesus Christ.

Didn't he also have Virgil guide him round Hell and Purgatory but then wasn't allowed into heaven because compared to Dante Alighieri he, Publius Virgilius Naso, author of the fucking Aeneid, was a second rate poet?

Anyhow.

Ignatius Timothy Trebitsch Lincoln.

Born in 1879 to an orthodox Jewish family in Hungary, as Ignatz Timotheus Trebitsch, he was notable for two main qualities - he was incredibly gifted at talking and persuading people, and he was completely and unutterably disloyal to everyone he met. He also had a frankly colossal ego. He drove his parents to desperation at an early age as an incorrigible thief, so they packed him off to study drama in Budapest. He was expelled from the drama college for repeated thefts, and disowned by his family, so he converted to Christianity and enrolled at a Lutheran seminary. By 1903 he moved to Britain, where he became a curate (sort of trainee vicar) in a parish church.

This didn't last long because he spent most of his time knocking off women not his wife. He quit before he could be fired, leaving a passive-aggressive letter for the vicar claiming that actually he was too good for this one-horse town and that in seven years' time he would be a Member of Parliament.

This he did. Turned out that a fairly important Liberal grandee named Seebohm Rowntree (yes, the same one who founded Rowntree's confectionary and invented the Kit Kat) lived in his parish and he ingratiated himself with Rowntree, becoming his private secretary. He was then parachuted into a MP's seat in 1909 at a by election as Liberal Member of Parliament for Darlington. Unfortunately he wasn't a very good MP and in the 1910 general election was slung out on his arse.

He then went to Romania where he tried to make money in the oil industry but failed.

He then went back to Britain where, at the outbreak of World War I, he attempted to sell his services as a spy to the British government. They told him to get lost. So instead he went to Germany and began spying for them against Britain. However when it turned out he was basically making it all up, the German government washed their hands of him and he fled to America (which in 1915 was still not in the war.) He then attempted to sell his memoirs as a triple agent in the form of a book, which got him extradited back to Britain for fraud (America not being in the war he couldn't be extradited for espionage.) A question was raised in Parliament about why they wanted "this most dishonourable man" back in the country, and the answer was to that they could keep him locked up.

And they did. In HMP Parkhurst on the Isle of Wight.

In 1919 he was released from prison and the war was over. He returned to Germany, where he fell in with the nascent German far right and was involved with the Kapp Putsch (sort of an early attempt by some proto-Nazis to take over the German government) and was appointed press censor. When the Kapp Putsch failed, he fled to Austria where he joined a monarchist faction who wanted to put the Habsburg Emperors back on the throne and reinstate the Habsburg authoritarian and imperial regime. He then promptly sold all their secrets to the opposition and returned to Hungary.

With absolutely nobody in Europe willing to trust him (are you surprised?) he fled to Asia, where he converted to Buddhism and set up a monastic order in Tibet under the name of Chao Kung. This was, of course, another scam; his order required that I. all initiates give him all their worldly possessions, and II. all female initiates receive the magisterial cock.

This kept him occupied until 1937, whereupon he betrayed the entire Order to the Empire of Japan which had just recently annexed Manchuria and was invading mainland China. The Japanese employed him to write propaganda against the British, but this demanded more loyalty than he had in him and he also (by this time being fluent in Chinese) circulated propaganda against the Japanese amongst the Chinese.

In 1939 he contacted Rudolf Hess, Hitler's deputy (to whom he had access as a fairly senior member of the government of a fellow Axis power) and floated a scheme by which he would proclaim himself Dalai Lama and lead an uprising with Nazi German backing in Tibet against the Chinese. This was allegedly given some serious attention (after all, he was running in the same circles as Adolf Hitler way back in the early days of the Weimar Republic) but then booted into the long grass because it was fucking exceptional.

He then attempted to leak early evidence of the Holocaust to the Allies, but given that he had systematically betrayed most of them in the past this failed. He was caught, and poisoned by Japanese agents acting on the orders of Heinrich Himmler in 1943.

 

[Doctor of Autism]

Didn't he also have Virgil guide him round Hell and Purgatory but then wasn't allowed into heaven because compared to Dante Alighieri he, Publius Virgilius Naso, author of the fucking Aeneid, was a second rate poet?

Sort of, but more that Virgil was a pagan yet there were pagans in Purgatory because Dante agreed with their political views or secretly became Christian. Not to mention there was a part in Inferno where Dante had all his favorite poets and political idols suck his dick which also happens in other sequences in the poem.