Historical Lolcow General

[Pinball Lizard]

Remember that story Vivian wrote about Chris running a country? I give you Saparmurat Niyazov (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Saparmurat_Niyazov), basically Chris ACTUALLY running a country, in this case Turkmenistan. Among other things, he ordered the calendar to be rewritten so the months were named after members of his family, commissioned a building made of ice in the middle of the desert so his people could learn how to ice skate, and declared himself "Father of the Country," rather than having that title posthumously given to him by the people like most countries do. I think was possibly the only dictator MORE insane than the Kim family.

 

[sparklemilhouse]

. I think was possibly the only dictator MORE insane than the Kim family.

Also:

He banned news reporters and anchors from wearing make-up on television, because he said he found it difficult to distinguish male anchors from female anchors.​

 

[Mrs Paul]

I agree, Emperor Norton was not a lolcow. Weird, sure, but he had a good heart and wasn't a lolcow.

Emperor Nicholas... I feel bad for him. He was never intended to be Tsar, but his older brother died, and his father also died when Nicholas was in his 20's, he admitted that he was unprepared to be Tsar. If his father had lived longer, then perhaps Nicholas would have fared better. Many of Russia's problems were not his fault, he was just a handy scapegoat. Many rulers who were blamed for shit were actually scapegoats, it's always easier to just blame whoever was ruling at that time.

Many times troubles in a country had been there for a while, before the ruler took the crown (sometimes the troubles were started by previous rulers and gained momentum) Such as Louis XVI and Marie Antoinette, France's financial troubles started well before their reign but they got their heads lopped off for it, or in other cases, it was the advisors, ministers, nobles, or bureaucrats in court who were responsible for troubles rather than the royalty itself.

Yes, I'm a history nerd.

Yeah, I'm a HUGE Romanov buff. Nicholas wasn't really a lolcow, just totally not suited to his job. (He didn't have an older brother though -- there was a brother who died as a baby, but he was after Nicholas). His father kept putting off training him, and when someone suggested giving him a post, he said, "but he'd never be able to manage it, he doesn't have the talent!" Well, um, he kinda needs to learn, dude. If Russia had been a constitutional monarchy like Britain's, he may have faired much better.

Now Wilhelm II, HE was definitely a lolcow.

Ed Gein? He inspired Norman Bates, Buffalo Bill AND the Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

Or Hetty Green, aka the Witch of Wall Street. She was probably the richest woman alive, but she was so miserly she wore the same black dress and undergarments day in and day out until they finally wore out, having her maids only wash the hems of her dresses to save money on soap. She supposedly spent an entire night searching for a stamp worth 2 cents, she never washed her hands and despite suffering from a painful hernia in her later used, refused to have surgery to correct it, because the operation would cost $150.

 

[Abethedemon]

I think Commodus might count. He named all of the months in the Roman Empire after his names. He also was obsessed with gladiatorial combat and killed innocent people and animals in rigged matches.

 

[Pinball Lizard]

Wasn't Emperor Nicholas's father so paranoid about being overthrown that he vowed not to teach his son a thing about politics until he was 30... then died when he was 28?

 

[Dudeofteenage]

Wasn't Emperor Nicholas's father so paranoid about being overthrown that he vowed not to teach his son a thing about politics until he was 30... then died when he was 28?

No. Alexander III died in his 50s. All of the 19th century Czars lived into their late 40s, at least.

 

[Godot]

No. Alexander III died in his 50s. All of the 19th century Czars lived into their late 40s, at least.

I think he was talking about his sons age

 

[Dudeofteenage]

I think he was talking about his sons age

Oh right.

Alexander didn't flat out refuse to give Nicholas some experience, but he did refuse suggestions to appoint him to some important roles. It wasn't because he was paranoid, though, he just expected to live a lot longer than he did so he thought there'd be plenty of time for Nicholas to be prepared.

I don't think Nicholas qualifies as a lolcow, though. He was very unsuccessful as a ruler but he never did anything particularly lolzy.

 

[sparklemilhouse]

Everybody's favorite greasy-haired cruise ship captain lolcow was on trial today for you know, crashing that ship and killing those 32 people:

He got 16 years in the clink today.

 

[AnOminous]

Anyone remember Dennis "quozl" Falk? This guy was a sick, twisted pedophile furry back when that was still unusual. He is often "credited" as having personally driven Tiny Toon Adventures out of existence by horrifying Babs's voice actor with his depravity.

Can't you practically sense the autism oozing out of his greasy pores?

Here's a brief rundown on this ghastly train wreck of a human. I see there's actually mention of this wacko in the past on this site, but a classic never gets old.

This man is literally why we can't have nice things.

 

[sparklemilhouse]

Anyone remember Dennis "quozl" Falk? This guy was a sick, twisted pedophile furry back when that was still unusual.

....could this guy be one of the earliest internet lolcows?

 

[plasticine]

not sure if this counts as lolcow material, but the earliest known weaboo phase was called "Japonism" http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Japonism

pixy would've been proud

 

[Malt Liquor]

Do You think GG Allin can be mentioned as Lolcow?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/GG_Allin

 

[AnOminous]

Do You think GG Allin can be mentioned as Lolcow?

Spectacularly talentless, outrageously offensive, a certifiable lunatic and utter degenerate, Allin exists at that curious crossroads where failure fails so hard it wins.

Horrorcow maybe. But he is definitely an hero.

 

[fuzzypickles]

I'd argue that Moammar Gadaffi would've qualified as a lolcow in his own right. He said and did a lot of crazy shit, and basically ran Libya like Chris would run CWCville. Here's a little bit of insight into his personal life:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Muammar_Gaddafi#Personal_life

 

[Pinball Lizard]

I'd argue that Moammar Gadaffi would've qualified as a lolcow in his own right. He said and did a lot of crazy shit, and basically ran Libya like Chris would run CWCville. Here's a little bit of insight into his personal life:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Muammar_Gaddafi#Personal_life

I know Mussolini also had quite the Chris-like ego on him. He put a giant painting of his own face on at least one major government building.

 

[Abethedemon]

I know Mussolini also had quite the Chris-like ego on him. He put a giant painting of his own face on at least one major government building.

Wasn't he also a really bad writer before he became a dictator?

 

[Skeletor]

I'd argue that Moammar Gadaffi would've qualified as a lolcow in his own right. He said and did a lot of crazy shit, and basically ran Libya like Chris would run CWCville. Here's a little bit of insight into his personal life:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Muammar_Gaddafi#Personal_life

Gaddafi's outfits and squad of hottie personal bodyguards put him in that strange Prince-like nexus of lolcow and awesomeness. I have to respect that. I'm also picking Robert Mugabe as a lolcow, although lots of South American dictators would also fit the bill.

 

[fuzzypickles]

Wasn't he also a really bad writer before he became a dictator?

I heard somewhere that Mussolini was a school principal before he entered into politics.

 

[Konstantinos]

I'm not sure how much he really qualifies, but Enver Hoxha (Hoe-Juh), the former ruler of the Socialist Republic of Albania, had some seriously strange tendencies. In addition to all of the usual draconian misuses of power that comes with being a dictator, he had this public policy wherein he ordered concrete bunkers to be built everywhere in Albania. The bunkers didn't really have any strategic purpose, they were just built without any regard to their surroundings. It got to the point where it damaged the national economy and drained resources and only stopped when Hoxha died. Today there's about seven hundred thousand of the things and they were never once used for anything.

Also, he had his named engraved on a mountainside but it got wiped at some point.

Its kind of like a ghetto Mount Rushmore!