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- Nov 30, 2016
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The title of this proposed series seems in stark contrast to the content of the first episode and what Chantal proposes the series to be. This episode is just a description of why Chantal feels bad with some accounts of bad teenage interactions with people. Her accounts are interesting but I don't want to read too much into them because she may be embellishing them. Chantal embellishes in a couple of ways - fantasies of being more desirable and having more interesting experiences than she actually does, and fantasies that validate her behaviour such as persecution. This may be the latter to some extent.
0:10 Trigger warning message.
0:17 She is going to be doing a "sit-down series" once in a while. While she probably means this as 'psychologist couch' or 'story-time' (the second of which she already does?) connotation, it is hard not to recall that almost all of her videos involve her sitting down, talking and trying to avoid movement in case she gets winded.
0:29 "This video is a little bit disturbing".
0:33 Restates trigger warnings verbally (emotional abuse, sexual abuse, bullying, "anything like that").
0:53 "I wanted this series to be kind of light-hearted". She wanted it to be an easy content dump of things she knew about how it was like live being fat "In a light-hearted manner". She then immediately launches into "But there is a dark-side" and coupled with all the trigger warnings I think it's safe to say that Chantal managed to fuck up her basic concept within a few seconds of pressing record.
1:20 "I know that a lot of you really like these discussions". Not for the reasons you think, perhaps. She ties this into more empowerment words "What you go through", etc.
1:42 States the subject for today is self-love, she distinguishes "loving yourself" which she believes everybody does, to "self-love" which appears to be a more active thing to her.
2:16 States that binge-eating and other eating disorders are self-harm. "Mostly emotional, mostly psychological". "You don't wake up one day want want to be 400lb." This is an important point, she's increasingly used the 400lbs term recently because it's what commenters say her real weight is, and either she's given up trying to convince them, or is now admitting her real weight-range.
2:45 Describes obesity as "loving food more than we love ourselves". This definitely confirms that Chantal's definition of "self-love" is basic care, and I think she's trying to avoid describing herself in those terms.
2:54 "I've been doing a lot of reflection on this". Says that fat people condition themselves to hate themselves with guilt and shame. These come from "multiple sources".
3:18 Mentions not telling anyone (even psychiatrists or psychologists) because it embarrasses her too much.
4:02 Brings up her vindictiveness and anger issues.
4:28 "I think I a lot of people who suffer from morbid obesity have had some type of traumatic event".
4:33 Begins to try to police comments before giving up and saying that they will be disabled.
4:50 Growing up she had a hard time loving herself. "I was always big even though I wasn't obese". "It doesn't take much for you to be called fat when you're younger, if you're not thin-thin you're labeled fat".
5:26 "I'm not doing this for a pity-party". Says that the psychological effects of being called fat are understated.
5:50 Mentions her anger again and being unable to let things go. As far as I'm aware Chantal is somewhat mindlessly liberal in her politics? This anger feels in contradiction to that, she seems to feel that people should be punished for minor wrongdoings.
5:55 "It really makes me hate people, makes me angry, makes me bitter, it makes me eat more". I think this may be more evidence for our armchair diagnosis of narcissism/psychopathy for Chantal. Psychopathy differs between men and women, for men the violent thoughts can classically be seen to be projected outwards towards the abuse and neglect of others, but with many women they are projected within and can lead to self-harm. This is why there is a history of abusive exes and prostitution with certain women suffering from this. As Chantal does admit binging to be self-harm, that could fit within this pathology, especially as female psychopathy is also more likely to latch onto other elements of the personality. While the typical lack of empathy is still there, there is some indication that it can feed from other symptoms. All headcanon, of course, but I don't think Chantal has to be pushing her mother over in the street or torturing cats to feel the anger and misdirected harm of such a pathology, and we've all seen how her projected image of various positive characteristics all have strong reasons to doubt the truthfulness of.
6:05 She says that she is listing her bad experiences while trying not to go into detail.
6:14 "In high school I hung around with some people who were not the best people", "They weren't really friends, they were usually boyfriends of my friends", "They were particularly cool, they were high school dropouts, they were heavy on drugs, they had criminal records". She realises that she is demonising them and tries to rephrase it, and gives by by concluding with "That is... how they were" then refers to them as "teenage delinquents".
6:57 "It was cool to hang around with them, because that was the cool thing to do - to drink, smoke, and party", "[they?] lived in a part of town I wasn't even allowed to hang out in but I snuck around and did", "My mum wasn't too happy about that".
7:16 "I would hang out with them and I don't know what it was but they just really targetted me for cruelty, they were really mean to me. One of my best friends was dating somebody who was part of that group and her boyfriend was nice to me and became friends" (he was mean at first).
7:52 This is too dumb to be fake so I believe and I feel bad at how funny "the house"/"a house" is as a childish insult for a fat person. It sounds like a horror movie. She was also called "whale". Chantal must have been quite big back then, I think if anything based on her photo history she may have lost some weight briefly afterwards then committed to obesity. I would like it if she provided some type of record of her weight, did it always go up, or did it fluctuate.
8:27 One of them threw eggs at her. She was also pelted with tomatoes. Her friend didn't defend her.
8:54 "Maybe that's why I don't have a lot of friends in life". Okay Chantal, you can fuck right off. Just a few videos ago you said you had a lot, even implying that it was above-average in the confidence with which you relayed the information. Maybe she is mixing up her terms "friend" vs "close friend" vs "best friend".
8:57 "I just don't trust anybody", "I've never been close to anybody that has really given a shit about me". FFS Chantal.
9:10 [Big Sigh] "If I want to cry it's because I'm angry. I'm angry that I think of who I am [and] I let that happen to me". A very Chantal piece of behaviour here coupled with universal cow behaviour. Cows for whatever reason have a very common trait between them - an obsession with childhood, whether it is pining for an idyllic time, or wishing to make things right. The Chantal behaviour is how her persona of the confident woman is revealed to be nonsense by the actual happenings in her life.
I've just noticed the sad piano playing throughout.
9:32 [Big Sigh] "The worst thing was being taken advantage of sexually". I will give Chantal some credit here, this is a very common occurrence with insecure fat girls, and it must be very hard to admit.
9:39 "I had no self worth, I just wanted someone to like me, to touch me. A lot of my friends were getting attention from men". She also admits that she was whale-hunted. These things come across as plausible and I do think she's being mostly honest here.
10:01 Describes how her friend who didn't stand up for her was a good friend despite her unsupportiveness.
10:22 She still talks to the friend "occasionally to this day" and says that maybe the friend doesn't know how she feels or was affected by it. Again, this was shit from 20 years ago that she is still obsessing over.
10:31 She had another friend who the same things happened to. "I don't want to talk about her experiences, it's not my place to do that".
10:49 Begins the party story that she introduced at 10:00 but interrupted.
11:50 Describes being sexually assaulted. She describes it as letting them do it, but being conflicted by not wanting to, but wanting attention because he was dating the most popular girl in school. She did not consider it abuse at the time.
12:49 She told her friend about it, and it got out to the pregnant girlfriend of the guy. He denied it and "made my life hell after that" including spitting on her.
13:10 She girl asked her if she did it. Chantal says this was the worst part (presumably due to the confrontation aspect).
13:45 She went to Katimavik (a youth-oriented social programme - thanks to @wheelpower for the pointer on what this word meant) and travelled, which she claims improved her mentality. She met nice people while doing this and felt "so alive". When she came back her friends had dropped out of high school and she stopped socialising with them. She finished her year.
14:42 " Just never looked back". Hun your high school days appear to be your foundational excuse for never losing weight, you LIVE in the past.
14:46 More than ten years ago she went to a reunion party with her old social circle "It wasn't all bad", and when she was there "They were so nice". "I think maybe they had grown up and felt some guilt for what they had done". The former, yes, the latter is mostly in your head. Chantal feels annoyed that she forgave one of them when she really didn't. She is riddled with anger, and I think it's much too easy to say it's mainly based on the actions of others, if she were a normal functional person and not in this self-imposed flesh prison would she actually feel the same way? This is where a normal person would let things go.
16:00 "I think that I really have to just say it's okay, because I know I have to forgive these people. I'm not exempt from that, I've done some pretty mean things to my friends too. I do feel guilty for that, that's another part of the guilt, things I've done to people in my life."
16:32 "It's like you have to open these old wounds for them to heal properly". You did at the reunion, like fifteen years ago, and clearly it did nothing, you have gotten much worse since then.
16:40 "I guess it did help a bit to get it out there because I like to hide it, because I felt ashamed. Out of those instances I felt so humiliated [x2]". This is a clear way of describing it - Chantal allowed some childhood fat girl awkwardness to destroy her adult life.
17:00 Positive fat girl/enlightened waffle.
17:40 "It was a reflection of who they were as people not who I am" You have dwelled on it for like twenty years, it is very much a reflection of who you are.
17:46 "Unfortunately for so many years I let that be a part of who I was". This implies a change to her that I don't believe has existed. The anger she felt towards her childhood still exists in the frustrations she regularly mentions feeling nowadays. She'd make a great law-and-order Republican.
If anybody sees something I missed, shoot me a message and I'll add.
Overall the self-love theme here wasn't explored at all and for a concept of a series (Fat Girl Files) this was a very depressing and pointless beginning. I hope she can turn this into a story time/personal info and less hand-wringing.
Some folks have gone through much worse but choose not to add the "eat myself to death"on the list.
When she did get into two consecutive long-term relationships she gave up and became a hyper-fat. She's gone through several different stages of incentivisation and at every stage has decided to get more fat. I don't think anything can motivate her, whatever damaged her happened before her teenage fumblings.I thought it was particularly sad that she said she just wanted to be touched. You would think that if she longed for human affection and knew she was being rejected over her weight that she'd be obsessed with being thin - she should be a calorie counter/over-exerciser based on that sob story. So something doesn't quite fit.
You would think that if she was being rejected over her weight that she'd be obsessed with being thin - she should be a calorie counter/over-exerciser based on that sob story. So something doesn't quite fit.
I remember seeing on My 600lbs Life a girl saying that food « will never reject you or leave you ». It seems to act as a security blanket even if it will most likely push people even further away from you. To me it makes sense that Chantal would find comfort in Arby’s, on top of the high she gets from all the carbs.
Hmm, does food replace human affections/interactions? If so, I would probably work something out with "said food" if it is causing me to be morbidly obese and sick. Have a sit down discussion with your fried and gravy loaded poutine, Chantal.To me it makes sense that Chantal would find comfort in Arby’s,
My 600lbs Life a girl saying that food « will never reject you or leave you
TBH it's kind of shocking to see how bad her balding is. Her hormones must be so fucked