Crunchy Parents General

[Crunchy Leaf]

Crunchy parents are incredibly smug, holier-than-thou types who engage in some or all of the following activities: not vaccinating, homeschooling, homebirthing, placenta eating, baby wearing, breastfeeding incl. extended breastfeeding, not telling their kids 'no', cloth diapering, no diapering (using elimination communication), co-sleeping, and using crystals for medical care.

They inevitably pop up on every parenting forum and frequently even non parenting forums, ready to judge anyone who buys their daughter a Barbie, sends their child to a public school, bottle feeds, or gets the flu shot.

While all crunchy parents are annoying, they don't all believe in precisely the same thing. For example, extreme unschoolers may allow their children unlimited junk food and video games, while others may be vegan only. There are some who are pro-vaccine, although any mention of this in a crunchy parent group will immediately turn into a disaster.

While crunchy parents may be religious, it will always be some liberal denomination, such as Reform Judaism or Unitarianism. This is important to note, because on some issues, like homebirthing or vaccines, it's easy to confuse crunchy parents with extremely conservative 'homesteader' types; however, they are overall distinct.

Here's a sampler platter of awful:

Not Making Their Kids Do Stuff:
https://archive.is/or81D
Mom takes daughter to dentist. Daughter refuses to open mouth. Dentist tries to get daughter to open mouth.

After I’d made it clear (politely, I hope) that I wasn’t going to allow Maggie to be coerced into compliance, the dentist informed me that we were welcome to come back as often as needed in order to get Maggie comfortable enough to have her teeth cleaned. That sounded pretty good to me – until she went on to tell me that these “failed” visits would be listed as “behavior management” visits and cost $50.00 a pop. Truthfully, I was way less scandalized by the price than by the name. Because the name revealed that even highly reputable pediatric practices may have a long way to go before they are truly child-centered.

Crazy About Breastmilk:

No Birth Certificates

Person A: Why would you not want your child to have a birth certificate? How would that be a positive thing for you or them? I'm not being snarky here, I'm really curious about the concrete reasons behind this choice.

Person B: No one has ever given me any concrete reason why they really need to have one. The things I keep hearing are:

health insurance
tax money
school
future job

unless I have something more than those things, I'm not worrying myself over it anymore.

The birth certificate thread later devolved into insane 'freeman on the land' arguments (the Canadian version of sovereign citizens) which isn't true crunch, so I won't include it, but there was this:

my kids have birth certificates b/c things sort of spun out of control and i got caught up in some weird fear-based issues for a few years. they ended up with PKU tests too, it's a long story.

What's a PKU test? It's a test for phenylketonuria, a rare but serious genetic condition. If the person consumes phenylalanine, they will become intellectually disabled; if they don't, they'll be fine.

Crunchy parents are usually against circumcision. Now, many people are, but crunchy parents take it to the next level:

Potatoes cure fever:

 

[Okkervils]

My favorite are the moms who try to treat eye infections in their infants with breast milk. I'll pull up some screenshots later, I have a ton.

 

[James Howlett]

Nice thread. I can't contribute much, but can I talk about the birth certificates? (I don't need your fucking permission, I'm going to talk about it.)

With your birth certificate is a fingerprint record. It's not your finger print though, it's your footprint. Babies have tiny and often undeveloped finger prints, but your feet at that age are just as unique as a grown persons fingerprint.

Malicious ex, psycho nurse stealing babies, random schizos, kidnappers looking for randsom etc.

The birth certificate is mostly used in the most dire situation where your kid is missing from a hospital and someone with your kid is saying "you can't prove shit". The birth certificate gives authorities the proof they need to get your kid back through any means necessary.

To me it's an uneducated and selfish stance, up their with anti-vaxxers; "I didn't get a birth certificate, so now I'm paying triple legal fees to get DNA tests done to get my child back" is right up there with"My kid got small pox, and half of his class has polio...atleast he doesn't have autism."

Also when I read through OP, I kept imagining that one lady in line at Wal-Mart or Costco who we've all encountered...coupon doesn't work and they "need to speak to a manager"

 

[Crunchy Leaf]

Here's the whole birth certificate thread if anyone cares: https://www.mothering.com/forum/306...1-choosing-not-get-birth-certificate-all.html. It's long.

These people will never be bringing their kids to a hospital.

 

[Tranhuviya]

There are few things more cancerous than "mommy culture."

 

[Strange Looking Dog]

¿If a leaf was crunchy would it happen to have crunchy parents?

 

[NOT Sword Fighter Super]

placenta eating

Gross. Is that actually a thing people do? How is that not cannibalism?

breastfeeding incl. extended breastfeeding

I'm against circumcision, but anti-circumcision activists really annoy the shit out of me.

Spoiler: This is beyond gay:

People like this are part of the reason I don't have kids yet. There's a good chance they'd end up being friends with people like this, and I don't know how I'd handle dealing with their shit.

The best part is that people who try really hard to turn their kids into exact copies of themselves tend to have it backfire on them.

 

[HIVidaBoheme]

Gross. Is that actually a thing people do? How is that not cannibalism?

I'm against circumcision, but anti-circumcision activists really annoy the shit out of me.

Spoiler: This is beyond gay:

View attachment 495238

People like this are part of the reason I don't have kids yet. There's a good chance they'd end up being friends with people like this, and I don't know how I'd handle dealing with their shit.

The best part is that people who try really hard to turn their kids into exact copies of themselves tend to have it backfire on them.

They started with that placenta eating shit because some loons claimed it would give them "nutrients" lost with birth. The placenta is just a deciduous organ, while it may have a nutritious value, it's not necesary with modern vitamin supplements and the like. Just because cats and dogs do it these crazies think it's natural.

There are also nuts that advocate the Lotus Babies. Exposing babies to deadly sepsis just so they can have those sweet "nutrients" they could easily get from breastfeeding.

Now on to breastfeeding, while it is all natural and the preferred method, this doesn't mean all babies fed with formula die...which is what these loons think. Crunchy parents are quite a handful.

 

[UselessRubberKeyboard]

Ah, these types. I remember arguing with them a few years ago when they insisted that sterilizing babies' bottles was poisoning their kids, and DO YOU KNOW STERILIZING FLUID IS BLEACH AND YOU'RE FEEDING IT TO YOUR CHILD and so on. Hilariously over-exaggerated bullshit. Tried explaining to them that one of the reasons the mortality rate of babies under a year old has plummeted in the last 100 years is because of cleanliness, and the knowledge that germs are far more dangerous for small babies with undeveloped immune systems. Nope. OMG YOU'RE FEEDING YOUR CHILD BLEACH. Tried explaining to them that a young baby getting an infection from an unsterilized bottle that leads to severe diarrhea will make that kid dehydrated in 24 hours or less and is a serious risk to their health that can (and does) lead to death? BUT YOU'RE FEEDING YOUR CHILD BLEACH.

Absolutely no fucking brains whatsoever. This contrary attitude shit that's fashionable now boils down to pathetic 14 year old behaviour of doing the exact opposite of what official recommendations are, because fuck you telling me what to do and a healthy dose of foil hattedness. By all means, make yourself ill and fuck up your life to prove your point. But using your defenceless child (that relies on you for everything, including keeping it safe from harm) to prove how rebellious and cool and different you are is pure abuse.

Sterilise your baby stuff. Educate your kids properly. Feed them a varied diet. Pregnancy might be a great little attention-getter, but once your kid is born no-one gives a shit about you any more. Look after your child properly instead of using the kid as a prop in your pathetic rebellious fantasy.

The only answer that these parents need when they turn up on parenting messageboards is 'fuck off'.

 

[Molo]

Here's the whole birth certificate thread if anyone cares: https://www.mothering.com/forum/306...1-choosing-not-get-birth-certificate-all.html. It's long.

These people will never be bringing their kids to a hospital.

So what if there kid gets sick or something?

 

[killmeme]

Can we lump parents who transition their kids with them?

 

[Elysian]

Everything about this person is awful. /r/ShitMomGroupsSay is a goldmine of this sort of thing.

 

[0 0]

I don't have quotes but I can speak from experience. I grew up a with a guy who lived with his grandparents because his mother was bonkers. Well, that's not literally the reason why he lives with his grandparents, but sometimes when I came over, his mother was there being weird as always. I try to be polite as to not embarrass my friend, but she interpreted it as a genuine enjoyment of her company and would often come over and talk about the latest crackpot theory or new age medicine.

The earliest I remember was her talking about the tried-and-true chemtrails from overhead planes, but this was only the introduction into insane idiocy she would force her son and me into (or try, at least). One time I believe I was watching television with them, and out of nowhere she turns to me and asks "you know cancer is just a fungus, right?" She then tries to tell me that baking soda is not only a cure for cancer, it's a preventative and tried to get me to egg her son into sprinkling raw baking soda into his food. Since I "liked science," according to her, she thought I believed that nonsense. I didn't want to put her down, especially not in front of her son, so I just told her I'd have to research it.

The next wacky medicine she discovered was ear candling. In case you don't know, the process involves sticking a waxed paper tube in your ear with a wick on top, setting the wick alight, and then let it suck the "toxins" from your body through allegedly minute vacuum suction created through the flame. When you unravel the tube when you're done, you can even see the deadly "toxins" that was once in your body right in the tube! A good way to tell if something is new age health nonsense, by the way, is if the packaging mentions "toxins" or "leaky gut." In short, it's not real and the "toxins" in the tube are just candle wax. When I visited one day, she wanted me to try it. It was already too late for my friend's grandfather, who tried it and got a drop of hot wax in his ear for nothing. I already had heard of ear candling before, so I told her to burn one of the candles without putting it in somebody's ear and see what happens. I don't know if she tried it, but she stopped bothering with it afterwards.

The last new age medicine she tried to push was something my friend complained about, which was an alternative medicine headache remedy. When she tried getting me to use it, I took two and swore it was just two tiny lumps of sugar. I looked at the ingredients and reviewed the medicine online on my phone and, when I discovered that they genuinely were just sugarpills, I downed the whole bottle. She wasn't there, though, and thought I just hid the pills. To this day, she most likely believes I couldn't eat an entire bottle of tiny lumps of sugar--otherwise I'd be dead, right? It was only after that when I discovered that she absolutely swore by that medicine. My friend said that most conversations with his mother often devolved into her berating either him or his grandparents for using traditional (medically recognized) pain reliever instead of her method of the new age medicine and massaging pressure points.

I haven't spoken to her much since my friend is now working on his master's abroad, but a quick glance at her social media reveals that she's still pushing whatever new age medicinal trends are popular on her friends and family. Her most recent bout of lunacy from what I could tell was that she popped out another kid now that my friend's off studying, and was bragging that she dumps water on the infant when it's hot out because babies don't have sweat glands and a lot of parents don't know that and let their kids die of hyperthermia. Which, as I'm sure you've realized by now, isn't true.

 

[Crunchy Leaf]

Can we lump parents who transition their kids with them?

People who transition their kids are not likely to be true crunchy parents--that's putting poison in their bodies, after all. They may be moderately granola, because people who live in hyperliberal areas tend to be, but no more than moderate. Also, many people who transition their kids are Munchausen's by proxies or extreme Christian homophobes, who are unlikely to be super crunchy.

¿If a leaf was crunchy would it happen to have crunchy parents?

my parents are pretty normal although my mom always refused to buy me capri suns because of how much sugar they have

 

[Francis E. Dec Esc.]

Can we include parents of 'indigo children' too? I remember reading about an indigo child who managed to convince his parents that he was the Avatar, reincarnated once a generation with the ability to bend all four elements. Go ahead and guess what his favorite Nickelodeon show was.

 

[HIVidaBoheme]

So what if there kid gets sick or something?

They treat that shit with Colloidal Silver and herb teas. Or go to the naturopath to take "nosodes", water with infectious shit diluted in it.

Can we lump parents who transition their kids with them?

Parents that think synthetic hormones are poison can't be considered crunchy. But I've seen parents who transition their kids with cow or horse piss hormones, phytoestrogens from soy, or menstrual blood which could be considered crunchy. Fucked up shit.

Can we include parents of 'indigo children' too? I remember reading about an indigo child who managed to convince his parents that he was the Avatar, reincarnated once a generation with the ability to bend all four elements. Go ahead and guess what his favorite Nickelodeon show was.

Yes, they are crunchy parents because they believe in New Age wack. I remember meeting a mother of an indigo child that wanted to turn his skin into actual indigo color, using guess what... colloidal silver.

 

[An Ghost]

Crunchy parents are usually against circumcision. Now, many people are, but crunchy parents take it to the next level:

This woman has 5 out of 8 children diagnosed with autism. 4 boys, 1 girl. Rates of regular population are 1:37 for boys and 1:131 for girls. The odds of this combination occurring randomly is 3.9x10^-7%. The odds will only decrease if her other Satan spawn turn out to also have it. Essentially this is goddamn fucking impossible.


She has clearly found the exact cause of autism. She is doing SOMETHING to these kids but is looking in the wrong places.

 

[Okkervils]

This woman has 5 out of 8 children diagnosed with autism. 4 boys, 1 girl. Rates of regular population are 1:37 for boys and 1:131 for girls. The odds of this combination occurring randomly is 3.9x10^-7%. The odds will only decrease if her other Satan spawn turn out to also have it. Essentially this is goddamn fucking impossible.


She has clearly found the exact cause of autism. She is doing SOMETHING to these kids but is looking in the wrong places.

Genetics.

 

[An Ghost]

Genetics.

Or a quack family doc who diagnoses autism like it’s the new ADHD. Or a troll post goading people into arguing about circumcision. The crunch is real tho.

 

[2_blank_spaces]

I'm super glad my friend didn't get a home birth. Apparently, when I asked why she changed her mind about doing it at home, she said she couldn't find any local midwives so opted for the hospital.

Had no idea how risky it could be, but she had to be induced anyway, and wanted an epidural immediately lol. I can't imagine having a home birth.

I did follow a woman I went to high school with a while back, and eventually unfollowed her because she just seemed trashy to me. I bring her up though with a friend of mine (we all went to the same high school), and he said she's really weird. She still brestfeeds her child who is like 4 or 5 now, and the kid is no longer in day-care because they straight up told this chick that if she couldn't give her a bath regularly, they'd have to let her go. And... Yeah.

Crunchy moms are the worst.

Edit: Another woman I followed was just disgusting and trashy. Always overshared when her daughter had UTIs and the last one I remember reading about before I just unfriended her, was that she had to go to the hospital it got so bad.

Like, god damn....