Lolcows in Fiction (Books, TV, Movies, etc.)

[DavidFerrie]

Miranda -- the protagonist of Haters Back Off! (check Netflix for both seasons.)
I can't help but wonder if creator Colleen Ballinger lurked on KF to get inspiration for the character, as she's such a perfect combination of so many LOLcow traits we know and love:

• Utterly talentless, yet absolutely convinced she's a master of every "creative" endeavor she touches, whether it be music, acting, art, or even magic tricks -- even when every single one she undertakes ends in disaster;
• Posts videos of her off-key, flat, nasal singing on YouTube, and goes apeshit when trolls leave rude comments about them;
• Narcissistic and self-absorbed to the nth degree;
• Ignorant and delusional, with utterly unrealistic hopes to parlay her non-existent skills into stardom;
• Autism-grade disregard for tact, personal space, feelings, simple decency, and even the very concept that other people with their own needs exist in the world;
• A sense of entitlement the size of Neptune;
  
• Unsightly, clownish daily apparel and makeup, based on what a four year-old girl's idea is of "adult" garb;
• Childlike absence of basic daily-life know-how or practical skills;
• Insanely unhealthy junk-food diet;
• Surrounds herself with a coterie of white-knight enablers, apologists, and stooges;
• Takes any constructive criticism as a vicious personal attack, and overreacts hilariously to it;
• Gets trolled publicly by a phony "admirer" who uses her to amuse himself and his own audience.

A couple of the "white-knight enablers" on the show also have lolcow tendencies, but they seem to exist mainly to support the lead's jaw-dropping level of (fictional) cowdom.

I was actually turned on to the show by a friend of mine who's aware of OPL and this site, and told me, "This girl is like a birth-female version of him!"

 

[Rabbit without a hat]

There's Luke Rattigan (I might have spelt that wrong, but fuck it) from Doctor Who episodes "The Sontaran Stratagem" and "The poison sky," An 18 year old genius, he displays typical traits of smartguyism, such as referring to those as less intelligent than him as cattle. He founded the Rattigan academy, drawing geniuses all around the world in order to inflate his own ego and to help him with terraforming a new planet for him to live on, after the rest of the earth has been gassed to death and converted into a Sontaran breeding planet through the ATMOS system he invented.

He wants to live on this new planet with his geniuses and has even prepared a "breeding program," for them. (For reference, there are like, 20 odd people in the group, maybe more, maybe less, but you need a lot more people to populate a planet without massive amounts of incest) and gets all pissy when he meets somebody who is twice as arrogant and intelligent as he his (The doc). This results in everybody walking out on him.

To the surprise of nobody, the Sontarans have been using him and there is no planet to terraform. He eventually allahu akbars the ship, murdering thousands of innocent mister potato heads.

 

[Darwin Watterson]

Tom, the main character of the movie (500) Days of Summer, is a beta nice guy of the highest order. He's a guy in his early 20's working at a dead end job that he hates, while neglecting to improve in areas he's actually passionate about. He meets the titular Summer, and quickly hits it off with her. She tells him up front, in no uncertain terms, that she doesn't believe in love or relationships, but he can't get it through his head and keeps trying to force a relationship. To be fair to him, she does kinda lead him on at some points. He's got the same childish view of love that so many of our friends in the Manosphere have, and the movie really goes out of its way to show that his kid sister is already infinitely smarter than him about it.

Like any nice guy worth his salt, he also turns into a prick once Summer ends up rejecting him. He doesn't lash out at her directly, but he DOES go on and on about how he hates her, starts breaking plates for no reason, and lets his emotions get in the way of his job as a greeting card writer ("Roses are red. Violets are blue. Fuck you, whore"). Probably the most famous scene in the movie is the "expectations vs. reality" scene. Some time after Summer has broken things off with Tom, they see each other again and she invites him to a party she's having. At the party, we're treated to two side-by-side comparisons showing what Tom wants to happen, and what ACTUALLY happens. In Tom's fantasy, Summer can barely take her eyes off of him, and is showering him with affection practically the whole time. Meanwhile, reality shows us that Tom just spends most of the evening drinking by himself. He suddenly notices that Summer is wearing an engagement ring and storms out.

Tom ISN'T written as an unsympathetic character, but there's still no denying the fact that he's got many qualities that one would associate with a loveshy cow. Unlike many examples, he does start to get better. He slips into a deep depression over Summer that lasts for quite a while, but he eventually decides to start focusing on improving himself and by the end of the movie, he's interviewing for a job that he'd actually like to do. While waiting to be called in, he meets another girl named Autumn, and the movie implies that they'll start dating. It's ultimately left ambiguous whether or not he's truly learned anything from his experience with Summer, however.

 

[Hummingbird]

Toshinora Oda from the manga and novel versions of Battle Royale (in the movie, he seemed decent). A rich, full-of-himself, ugly (his nickname was "frog boy") kid who saw anyone who wasn't at his family's level of wealth as nothing more than subhuman. Because his parents (especially his dad), drilled the idea of "the most worthy" into his head, he believed that not only did his money make him the equivlent of a master race, those that were lower were only fit to serve people like him.

Given constant praise all his life for his violin skills, his didn't realize that despite his talent, his own arrogance shined through, hurting a performance he did for his classmates (they were bored). During the deathmatch, he's a vicious, sneaky toad until his scheme to play dead backfired. If he has a positive side, he dearly loves his family (who equally love him back) and I think if they weren't so elitist, he'd probably be a little nicer.

 

[GethN7]

Erikur, that asshole Thane from Skyrim.

He's what happens when an incel and an a wannabe bigshot (far above what he actually is) have an ass baby.

The incel part comes from the fact that because some Bosmer serving girl wouldn't drop everything to be with him on demand, he sold her out as a traitor to the Thalmor to be horribly tortured and likely killed.

His own sister writes him off as a self centered bastard, and even his fellow Thanes know underneath the patina of good manners is utter slime, they just can't do anything about it because they lack solid proof of how slimy he really is.

In fact, the game even had some unfinished scripting where Jarl Elisif would have been bumped off and he would have taken her place, and it's heavily implied he was the guy who arranged for her to commit suicide via several stab wounds to the back.

The wannabe bigshot part comes from his insane selfish delusion he's SO important. A war is going on and he doesn't give a shit, he just wants as little of his money to be used to pay for it using a bullshit excuse it would damage the revenues of the hold of Solitude, to which he gets the in-universe equivalent of "you really believe your own bullshit, don't you?"

He's a condescending dick to basically everyone, everyone has damn good reason to hate the bastard, and he's such a douchebag he only bothers to feign courtesy if only to get what he wants or look good, he's otherwise a sociopathic spoiled manchild with delusions of grandeur.

 

[Francis E. Dec Esc.]

Nazeem from Skyrim also counts as a lolcow. He's a smug, condescending, self-important nobody who's convinced that he's one of Jarl Balgruuf's advisors, despite the fact that he never interacts directly with the Jarl. Even his wife and daughter can't stand him. There's actually a quest in the Dawnguard DLC to kill an 'high profile' NPC in a certain Hold while disguised as a member of the Dawnguard. If you kill Nazeem you'll fail the quest, since he's high profile only in his own mind.

 

[Darwin Watterson]

Santa Claus from the Rankin-Bass cartoon, ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas.

In this special, he acts like a petty, passive-aggressive ass who refuses to deliver presents to the town in the special because a single character doesn’t believe in him. He’s explicitly real in this one, and the fact that he sends all their letters back causes a public outrage. So it doesn’t really make sense not to believe, but I digress. Santa still essentially gets triggered and retreats to his safe space, and the plot of the special basically involves the rest of the characters trying to coax him out of it.

 

[CephalopodEnthusiast]

Nny from Johnny The Homicidal Maniac.

He's an insane edgelord and Nietzsche wanna-be who kills people just because he feels like it, or because they've done mundane things he deems offenses (eating lettuce, looking at him funny, insulting him once, etc.). He views himself as being above the common folk when he's really no better than them, and loses his shit over things that don't matter. Everything Nny says reads like a post from /r/iamverysmart, and the majority of his behavior might stem from being autistic. He hates being touched, must do everything in a certain way or it's not right, and has virtually no social skills. When he found a girl who showed affection for him, he deliberately drove her away because he wanted to kill her to "immortalize the moment".

 

[Darwin Watterson]

The infamous version of Eddie Brock from Sam Raimi’s Spider-Man 3.

He’s a self-centered douche who thinks he’s entitled to everything. He tries to pass off some fake pictures of Spider-Man as proof of Spidey turning evil, which ends up getting him fired after the Daily Bugle embarrasses itself, and Peter exposes him.

He also refers to Gwen Stacy as his girlfriend, even though they had one coffee date and Gwen clearly isn’t interested in anything more. Showing his social ineptitude, he decides that it would be best to say “I’m dating your daughter” while both he and Gwen’s dad are watching her cling for her life from a destroyed building. When Gwen goes out with Peter, Brock says Peter “stole his girlfriend.”

His transformation into Venom pretty much amounts to throwing a tantrum due to his narcissistic supply being depleted after Peter exposes him as a hack fraud, and he decides to use the symbiote to try to kill Peter over the aforementioned ego bruisings.

 

[IAmNotAlpharius]

I'd say Ze do Burro from O Pagador de Promessas or The Given Word https://g.co/kgs/R8Dawi. I believe his name translates to Ze of the Donkey.

He's just a country bumpkin who's BFF is a donkey that was nearly killed. So, he made a promise to Santa Barbara that he would carry a cross to his church if he healed the donkey. The donkey lives, so he heads out to do just that. Seems simple.

Ze is a well meaning idiot and he runs into all sorts of issues because of his ignorance of the world. He offends his wife so much that she cucks him with a mob boss that she hates, to get his attention, but he still doesn't notice or think about her. Ze then offends the Catholic Priest of the Santa Barbara church, the only one who can fulfill his donkey quest, by revealing he made the deal via a Candomblé Priest. He offends him even more when he can't tell the difference between Candomblé and Catholicism. Ze then accidentally starts a cult because people think he has divine powers.

Ze then gets lots of press attention, especially from what are probably yellow journalists interested in drama, with some saying that he's making a political protest. If I recall correctly they do this so they can milk the story out to seem more important than it is and to get more attention of course. Also, probably for the lulz. Naturally, said journalism ignites a class, religion, and race war because Catholics, Communists and Blacks think he's on their side, when in reality he's too dumb to know that there are even sides. This results in the government cracking down on Ze and his supporters because fuck communism. So, the people swarms Ze to try to help him get in the Church, but he's too stupid to realize he became a political symbol that everyone wants to claim for their cause but he really wants to get into the church with his cross. This results in a brawl. In the skirmish that started to get him in the church, he is the only person killed by a single stray shot. What are the odds?

He'd be an exceptional lolcow if he was real and had access to social media... Not because he's malicious, just because he's a very very dull blade that makes Forest Gump look like Einstein, has the innate ability to offend everyone around him, causes political storms without ever realizing they exist, and then became a martyr for causes he could never understand.

The real-life & modern equivalent would be the alt-right, antifa, the westboro Baptist church, Trump voters, feminists, and BLM all brawling in the street over an illiterate CWC as a symbol of their cause because of what they read on the internet.

 

[Dysnomia]

Any of the characters from Bob's Burger that are not Bob.

I'd say that of all the Bob's Burgers characters that could be lolcows Gayle fits the bill the best.

She's a neurotic cat lady living in a crummy apartment. She's perpetually single because every relationship she gets into crumbles almost immediately. She has been seen dating Mr. frond. But he's a bit of a cow himself.

Gayle plays pretend when she's alone with her cats. Is paranoid of intruders and just truly bizarre in every way. She makes weird art of animal anuses too.

 

[CephalopodEnthusiast]

I've got two more to share. The second is a bit obscure:

Kenji Setou

A major character from the visual novel Katawa Shoujo. He is constantly paranoid, has no sense of personal space, and weirds out everyone he comes into contact with. He starts conspiracy theories and rants about feminists, believing them to be the source of all evil in the world. His theme alone emphasizes how strange he is.

Coda

From The Beginner's Guide, a game by the creators of The Stanley Parable. A reclusive game developer whose pretentious art games only make sense to him. His actions are ambiguous, especially given that the player only learns about him from what Davey (the main character) says, but Coda can easily be interpreted as an entitled individual who abandoned his friend and refuses to explain what his games mean out of a sense of self-righteousness, despite the fact that Davey desperately wants to make up for his actions. All for the sake of adding more doors that won't open and sections that are impossible to win.

Spoiler

Maybe I should put the Narrator here too. He kind of falls into cow territory, though a lot of his lines are pretty amusing.

 

[Darwin Watterson]

Luke Lerner from Better Watch Out is debatable because he's a 12-year-old kid, but disregarding that, he's a pretty bad horrorcow.

He wants to get with his attractive older babysitter Ashley, so he and his friend Garrett stage a home invasion because Luke read that fear and pleasure originate from the same part of the brain, so if he scares Ashley it'll make her want him. When the home invasion plan falls apart due to Garrett's ineptitude, Luke drops all pretenses and just smacks Ashley across the face, sending her falling down the stairs.

To summarize everything that happens from here would take too long, and would just amount to a plot summary of the movie, but basically what happens is that Luke reveals himself throughout the movie to be a psychotic pervert. He's also weirdly possessive of Ashley, a girl much older than him with no interest in him. At one point, Garrett suggests that he make out with her as she's tied up, and Luke has a mini chimpout because "she's my babysitter" and even threatens to beat Garrett up over it. Later on, he has a nuclear chimpout when Garrett tries to help Ashley escape. Towards the end, hints at a weird attachment to his mom when he tells Ashley about how his mom used to hold him at night until he'd fall asleep, and then when she stopped doing that (presumably because he was getting too old for it), he couldn't sleep as well. Ashley just ignores him, and he starts losing it. "Tell me I'm fucked up! Tell me you're disappointed! Say you're scared, you wanna go home, anything!" is roughly the line.

Again, he may not count because he's just a kid, but he's still got all the makings of one otherwise.

 

[Cable 7]

Real obscure reference, but Avid Merrion from Bo' Selecta would deffo be prime cow material.
Ethnically questionable ginger from the UK, completely obsessed with celeberties to the point it's unhealthy, reguarly draw pornography of said celeberties, kidnapped a contestent of Big Brother UK and keeps him as a slave, and is most likely a bisexual weirdo.

 

[An Sionnach Seang]

Harry Black, the union man in "Strike", the second to last story in Last Exit To Brooklyn (1964)

he's fighting for a noble cause but he's an utterly repulsive little man, and the most positive emotion you can muster for him is pity

he completely useless as a machinist, he's a jobsworth who goes around actively obstructing the daily operation of the factory, nobody likes him, he's a big-headed closet bumsexualist, and when he calls a strike and throws drunken debauched parties in a desperate bid to be liked, everybody sponges off him for drink and/or money and promptly fucks off when they're in short supply

when the strike is over he ends up molesting a kid and getting literally crucified, and at this point the story ends abruptly

 

[Darwin Watterson]

The Twilight Zone had a few lolcows. These are the two whom I can think of off the top of my head:

Spoiler: Peter Vollmer

From the episode, "He's Alive." He's a neo-Nazi who's pretty heavily implied to be doing the shtick solely because he's an edgelord who wants people to pay attention to him and listen to him.

He's portrayed in the episode as a pathetic failure whose only success comes from the influence of Hitler's ghost. He whines to his Jewish neighbor at the beginning of the episode after he gets his ass beat at a rally, and after he's started listening to Hitler and has managed to actually draw crowds, the same neighbor shows up and makes him look like an idiot in front of everybody.

At Hitler's suggestion, he goes to the neighbor's house to kill him. The scene still portrays Peter as a joke, and the other guy pretty easily breaks him down and lets him know in no uncertain terms that he's a failure at intimidation, even after Peter brandishes a gun. Peter brushes it off and shoots him, declaring that he's "made of steel."

Not long after that scene, we find out that this wasn't a metaphor. Peter really does believe that he's made of steel. The cops show up to arrest him for murder (unrelated to the Jewish man). Peter tries to run, but the cops stop him by shooting him. Peter looks at the blood on his hands and seems genuinely confused by the fact that, yes, bullets fucking hurt. "Something's terribly wrong here! I'm made out of steel!" he says as the episode ends.

Spoiler: Fitzgerald Fortune

From the episode, "A Piano in the House." Fortune is a critic who is shown throughout the episode to be a complete dick to everyone he meets. He buys a self-playing piano for his wife's birthday (specifically self-playing because it will "save her the time and expense of taking piano lessons only to find that she has no talent"). The piano turns out to be magic, and depending on the music it plays, causes certain people to reveal their inner selves.

Fortune shows off the piano in front of the guests at his wife's birthday party, and has a lot of fun causing them to make fools of themselves by revealing their true natures. Fortune laughs at all of them, while everyone else just feels uneasy. Having had enough of all his bullshit, Fortune's wife puts a music roll in the piano that causes Fortune to reveal that he's really just a spoiled manchild who bullies other people because he's jealous of their talent and ability to be happy. He admits to his wife that he isn't emotionally mature enough to return love, so he acts out like a child would. The guests all leave in disgust, including his wife. Fortune screams "IF YOU LEAVE, I'M GOING TO BE VERY NAUGHTY!" and then he chimps out and starts throwing a tantrum and destroying his furniture and decorations.

Forgot to mention that Fitzgerald Fortune was also a cuck. The piano caused his wife to reveal that she was cheating on him with a friend of theirs. He seems amused by this more than anything else, and says he'd already figured that she'd been cheating, he just didn't know the details.

How could I have brought up The Twilight Zone without talking about its most famous cow?

Spoiler: Anthony Fremont

From "It's A Good Life," one of the best-known episodes of the series. Anthony is a six-year-old boy with godlike powers, which has led to him turning into a budding horrorcow. He has isolated his town from the rest of the world, and forces the townspeople to think only happy thoughts. If they say anything even remotely negative, Anthony will inevitably try to "help" in a way that just makes everything worse. For example, when his aunt complains about the heat he makes it snow and kills off half the town's crops. He's extremely sensitive to any form of criticism, and declares anyone who calls him out on his shit to be a bad person, and sends them away to a mystical cornfield (sometimes after turning them into horrific abominations first). He also has this weird aversion to people singing. It's mentioned that he lobotomized his aforementioned aunt because her singing triggered him.

Anthony becomes a full-on horrorcow in the 2002 revival series' sequel episode, "It's Still a Good Life." In this episode, he's now in his 40's and has grown up about as well as you'd expect, when every adult in his life had been too scared to punish him for anything. He has a young daughter. While he does seem to genuinely love her, it can be pretty easily inferred that she was conceived through rape, because whatever girl he set his sights on was too terrified of him to tell him "no." While he's gotten a bit more mature since growing up, he's still the same spoiled six-year-old at heart, with the same black-and-white worldview of "likes me = good, doesn't like me = bad." It's also brought up that he used his powers for petty things like getting rid of all the clocks after he was late for supper once. He rules h

 

[Doctor of Autism]

I got a couple of characters who would be lolcows

Spoiler: Hifumi Yamada (Danganronpa)

Hifumi Yamada is known for being talented at writing fanfiction (or Doujin's in the Japanese version), and he displays many traits of a lolcow such as:

• Obsessed with fictional characters to an unhealthy degree.
• Fell in love with an A.I. on a computer that is based off of a dead person who was a guy while treating it like a girl.
• Gets violent over not having soda.
• Obsessed with fiction to the point he will attack or get angry at those who do not like it as much as him.
• Is a Nice Guy as he would do anything for a female character who is clearly taking advantage of him in order to get close to her.
• Will also be willing to murder someone because said female character told him that she was raped by that person with no proof at all.

Spoiler: Toshikazu Hazamada (Jojo's Bizarre Adventure)

Hazamada is a minor antagonist in Jojo's Bizarre Adventure Part 4: Diamond is Unbreakable, and has a stand that can turn into another person along with puppeteering that person's actions. Hazamada is a lolcow (or maybe a Horrorcow) due to:

• Abusing small animals
• Masturbating in class
• Tried to force himself onto multiple girls who rejected him
• Hates anyone more popular than him
• Forced someone to stab their own eye out for not liking a manga that he likes

He is noted to also be detestable in universe for some of these same reasons

 

[Darwin Watterson]

Would Ted Beneke from Breaking Bad count as a careercow? In contrast to most of the intelligent criminals on the show, Ted's an idiot who thinks he's smart, and as a result of this repeatedly becomes a huge liability for the main characters.

 

[Alice Springs]

Captain Nemo of 20 000 Leagues under the Sea is pretty cow-ish in his own way. A cross between a weepy emotive anti-imperialist proto-SJW and a Nietzschean objectivist autist who wants to hide out in his own little (entirely male) society, free of external law.

 

[Y2K Baby]

(entirely male)

Stopped reading there. Pretty based tbh.