How would you torture the user above you? - Only for the blackest of black kiwis

Make him watch Richard Simmons: Sweating to the Oldies Volume 1 through 1500
 
replace his computer with an acorn
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Strap them to a rack, rub salt on to their feet, and then expose them to goats, who would proceed to lick at their feet until they'd stripped the skin from their feet, mingling the salt remnants with their now exposed flesh and causing what's apparently rather intense pain, on top of the sandpaper like tongues of the goats now rubbing on their unprotected flesh.
 
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Tying to a pole with a sausage sticking out of the pants thing in front of a real Capybara; without any actual sausage.
 
I would deny you the use of your/any thesaurus.
 
Well, there's various methods I could go for, but I think making you put up with me till we both die would be the worst torture. I'd make sure you're right beside me IRL the whole time.
 
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