r/polyamory

[Tanner Glass]

Went trolling for more success stories.

https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/akpg3q/things_went_from_happy_to_bad_real_quick_advice/ (Archive)

"Things went from happy to bad real quick"

I'm pretty confused. My wife and I've been together for a while, married for just a couple of years. I told her I was polyam before we got serious and she had been in a polyam triad before, so she was receptive to the idea. The problem is I didn't date while she and I dated, primarily because she immigrated to my country from hers and frankly I didn't want to give immigration any ammo to say "Yeah, but are you REALLY in love?" if they were to discover any of my polyam-ness.

This being said, she dated a bit after we talked polyam again. This of course was after lots of long talks, emotions, some arguments etc. She met someone who was great at first, but they eventually dumped her. I have met two wonderful people in that time, one of which has feelings for me but is working on some of their own stuff right now, and another that is very much interested in dating right now.

Every time I go out with the latter, let's call her Daisy, my wife gets panic attack levels of anxiety. It seems like since her breakup, she's not been cool with polyam at all. So I decided to take a step back, give her time to talk things out with her therapist next week, and go from there. But in the meantime, I still want to hang out with Daisy. She and I are friends and have lots of common interests, so this past weekend I went to grab dinner and watch a movie with her - as friends. My wife got so worked up she claims to have thrown up from the anxiety, then I got home (at my wife's suggested time) and she just went in to full argument mode with me, eventually saying "I'm not polyam. I can't do this."

So here I am. My feelings for the other two people mentioned above are proof positive to me that I'm still definitely polyam, not that I've questioned it for the past 10 years since I've known. I don't want to give up my marriage, because I love this woman with all my heart. How can I approach this anymore? I don't want to be the cause for her depression and anxiety, but I am not one to not be myself, as that normally leads to me being depressed myself. Seems like there's only one real solution, but I'm still hoping there's something else.

I'm just lost, reddit.

Even though he went without side bitches for the entire relationship, he couldn't fathom doing it now. What is he supposed to do? Not fuck side bitches?! Unconscionable.


Here's another success story.


https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/akhiu7/struggling_to_sort_through_irrational_feelings/ (Archive)

"Struggling to sort through irrational feelings" - what irrational feelings might those be?

My husband has recently started dating someone, it’s his first real poly relationship, and they fell hard and fast for each other, within two weeks expressed they loved each other. During this time, my husband began breaking promises to me, for moments of quality time etc, it was also expressed that he enjoyed her more in every aspect, and I nearly fell apart.

We are working actively on helping me feel okay and secure again, and they’ve slowed down a bit on time, so instead of the 4 days a week they were seeing each other it’s now 2 as I try to find my footing. His new partner is really nice, we got along great at first, but with these new feelings, I’m struggling. I’ve never felt this level of jealousy for my husband, and I tend to be quite rational and able to simply think through my feelings and move on. Ive been trying to do this, but the initial shock to my system when their relationship started has been hard. We were on a poly break when they met, we expressed that we both felt 3 days with a meta would be a healthy amount, obviously with flexibility, but that was out the window the first week. He made plans with me, and would be distracted texting her, he cancelled on me, or would stay up so late with her that when it was our evening he couldn’t stay awake past 8. The biggest blow up was when the sex happened, and it was expressed that he enjoyed being sexual with her more than me. I felt like I lost everything with him in two weeks, and he was aware of my pain.. I communicated openly about the things I was feeling and hoping that we could repair them before they became a bigger problem.

It was pretty much when I reached my breaking point that he finally slowed down and began reinvesting in me. Now we are reconnecting and I’m working on feeling better. All of those hardships are still very fresh, I was able to work out what was a valid and rational pain and what was spite or bitterness. And I am able to move past those feelings mostly.

Now I’m really struggling to cope with little things, they feeling like splinters, despite the initial big injury is gone or being fixed, the little splinters popping up are infecting.

It’s tiny subtle things, I feel like the only things he talks about now are things they’ve talked about, like I’m getting these second hand conversations, but he doesn’t mention where he’s getting his information from. Or new techniques in the bedroom, different ways he touches me.. these little things just cause me to feel hurt and jealous. I don’t know how to rationalize these thoughts and feelings. I know he’s going to experience and learn new things from his partner, I feel like it wouldn’t even be a passing thought if I hadn’t been so hurt initially. But alas, here I am. I don’t know how to be okay, and not feel resentful toward their relationship. I haven’t brought it up to him because we have worked through the big things and I don’t want to nag or put him on eggshells around me where he has to be careful what he says or does.

I’m just kind of tired of the “I learned about __” and then not simply telling me “my partner told me about __” because I almost feel deceived. But my rational side is telling me, that’s extremely petty. It’s just kind of feeling like he’s adding all these new things to our own intimacy that he’s getting elsewhere and then skirting around being open about where he’s learned them. I feel like it’s feeding my insecurities in the sense of I don’t feel like there’s honesty. I guess to me, avoiding a truth is still lying. But would I even be okay if he was simply forthcoming about these things or would I still feel upset because of jealousy?

It’s just so many subtle comments, jokes, intimate things, the texting when I have my back turned, or always finding a reason to go to the store so he can call her on his drive. I guess typing this out, I’m feeling like he’s saying he wants to focus on repairing our relationship, and he does the big obvious things, but underneath it, he’s still so absorbed in her (and the NRE, understandably), that he’s still just constantly thinking of her, that even during our moments, she’s what’s on his mind.

Am I just completely off my rocker here? Can someone help me sort through this and be okay? I am and have been super happy he’s found someone, because he definitely struggles to connect, I don’t want to ruin this for him. But how do I heal? Like someone smack me upside the head if I’m being totally stupid so I can fix myself, or how do I feel okay being an after thought in his life?

Also, from that same (poor, poor) woman - have some of the reddit comment Q&A

Redditor : "... Have you looked for someone outside of your main relationship? If you did, how did he take it? ..."
Her : "I did before our break, he destroyed any relationship I started. But he was incredibly jealous and spiteful. We spent the last year with him in therapy working on those toxic reactions to his feelings. Now I don’t have the energy to start anything, firstly because we were on a break from poly and my mindset has been focused on him and our children. And secondly, because I’m really just afraid of building something with someone and getting hurt because of my husbands jealousy."

Redditor : a huge wall of text about what she can be doing better, jesus christ reddit
Her : "Sex is definitely a hard one for me, after having our youngest, I just haven’t felt confident at all. It’s something we are working on definitely, but it just feels like when there’s something new, it’s him thinking of her and that flairs my inadequacies. This is the one I want to mention the least to him, I don’t want him to disconnect or feel awkward about being sexual with me."

 

[Silence of the Troons]

https://old.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/akdhn9/last_night_my21_girlfriend22_yelled_at_me_in/ (https://archive.li/30uIk)

This is a long post but all involved are baby poly people and I think we all have no idea what we're doing so pls just give any thoughts or advice you may have.

Me and my GF Sammy have been dating for 6 months. She has another boyfriend Lars she's been with for 6 years. He'd been wanting to be poly for a while, she'd been resistant to the idea until she fell for me and was convinced that she could love two people at the same time.

I have great chemistry with her and I love her so so much. Things have usually been great, so far. We fight every now and then and always make up. The one part she has struggled with is accepting that Lars and I also want to see other people. I noticed she was struggling with Lars' romantic endeavors, getting in huge fights with each other that tbh scared me.

Whenever one of us upsets her, she withdraws completely into herself. When we try to reach out to eat her comfort her or to try to solve the problem she lashes out and calls us names, publicly or not. I let her know I had a problem with the way she argues with us in public and she agreed it was a problem she should work on. It takes forever to actually get to the real problem and the problem is almost always that she hates herself and she is worried we will leave her for someone else. Once we get to that point I can do a Great job of comforting her, but the buildup to it is often very Rocky and painful.

I decided to hold off on the notion of pursuing other people until she's in a more stable place mentally with the idea with her longer term boyfriend. Recently it seems like she's made peace with it. Lars has been on plenty of dates, even made out with a couple people, though nothing that really stuck.

Last week, I decided to talk to her about the idea of me potentially asking someone else out. Just to try to open the lines of communication in that area. She completely shut down and broke down. She keeps repeating that she hates herself and wants to kill herself and I really am trying to be as supportive as I can to help her through. She says she had suicidal thoughts in high school that faded through college until she became poly. More on this later.

Throughout the week shes cried 6/7 of these last days, for different reasons. Some to do with me and dating other people, other to do with her other boyfriend. I like to think I've been supportive, I can get her to stop crying and be in a good mood, though that usually involves huge statements we both say to each other like "I love you more than anything" and "I really want to grow old with you", which I really do believe and want. When she's happy she's amazing and I justify that these moments by far outweigh her sad angry moments.

Yesterday though we had a huge fight throughout the day. It started because I asked if we could study with our good mutual friend Erica. Her and Sammy had been good friends at least a year before I'd met either one of them. Before the start of my relationship with Sammy I'd admitted that I had a crush on Erica. As soon as I started dating Sammy though it faded, with all the great love and NRE going around. It completely faded and I let Sammy know that. She obviously doesn't believe me because every now and then she gets really sad thinking that I still wanted to be with Erica and not with her. I always vehemently deny that. Why would I lie, I tell her when I have crushes on other people.

In any case yesterday we moved through those same motions again. Then I decided to confront her about my doubts as to whether or not she was poly. To Sammy, it seems that the only option for her life is she can either be poly, or she could be completely miserable (she doesn't want to lose any one of her two boyfriends). I told her that the way she was looking at this was very unhealthy, and that if she wasn't poly she would be throwing her life away being in these two relationships. I also suggested that if the poly side of things was making her feel this awful for this long maybe she shouldn't be poly at all. She said she wouldn't want to pick between me or Lars. To which I said, don't. Break up with us both. I told her I think she would need some being single to figure herself out, then she can make a decision about the type of relationship she wants. (she hasn't been single since grade 10 when she met Lars). She cried at that idea and we made up again, casting that conversation aside.

Then later that night, we were hanging out with a huge group of friends. Sammy was sitting next to Erica. I was sitting sort of alone cast out from easy conversation range with most of anyone. I was trying to join conversations as well as I could. I overheard Sammy and Erica's conversation and thought they were talking about how great a guy named Ben was. I asked "who's Ben". To which Sammy replied, she said Bed. Bed sounds so Great right now.

After that Sammy once again shut down, publicly. It was obvious she was mad. I tried reaching for her hand to see what was wrong but she wouldn't let me hold it. I then texted her and she told me I obviously still have a crush on Erica if I'm so concerned about her romantic life. My curiosity was purely friendly... And even if it wasn't... We're in a poly relationship so I don't see how this should be such a huge issue. I tried to make the mood better. Another friend, Jay, was doing something silly so I thought if point it out and say "hey Sammy can you believe what's happenin here" pointing at whatever Jay was doin.

Sammy then loudly and angrily yells "I want to kill myself right now." in a very accusatory tone directed at me.

Not many people heard. Erica and Jay did and Lars also did. They walked her home. I was angry. I feel selfish for being angry after she says that but I feel gross and I feel like I'm being manipulated or something. I genuinely care about this person and it makes me so sad she has those suicidal thoughts. I really don't know what to do.

Any advice or thoughts would be appreciated.

EDIT: To clarify, she understands her behavior in these situations is bad, she says she just needs time to get used to the poly mindset. She is also receiving medication and looking for a nearby therapist

Trainwreck/10

 

[Tanner Glass]

https://old.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/akdhn9/last_night_my21_girlfriend22_yelled_at_me_in/ (https://archive.li/30uIk)Trainwreck/10

I feel like I'm being manipulated or something

she says she just needs time to get used to the poly mindset.

she says she just needs time to get used to the poly mindset.

I hope this poor bastard leaves, because someone who has two boyfriends probably doesn't need time getting used to the poly mindset - they just want all the benefits and none of the risks.

 

[Mr. A. L. Mao]

"I'm in a timeshare relationship with a psycho borderline personality bitch, wat do?"

Good luck buddy, you're going to need it

 

[Solzhenitsyn]

I hope this poor bastard leaves, because someone who has two boyfriends probably doesn't need time getting used to the poly mindset - they just want all the benefits and none of the risks.

This, she's pretty clearly a narcissist who gets mad when she's not the centre of attention.

 

[Owlflaps]

Why attach yourself to a narc with BPD when you can just fuck a side bitch without the emotional attachment?

 

[snapdragon]

Why attach yourself to a narc with BPD when you can just fuck a side bitch without the emotional attachment?

Because if they have BPD they will get emotionally attached and burn your house down if you try and break up with them.

 

[knightlautrec]

Went trolling for more success stories.

https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/akpg3q/things_went_from_happy_to_bad_real_quick_advice/ (Archive)

"Things went from happy to bad real quick"



Even though he went without side bitches for the entire relationship, he couldn't fathom doing it now. What is he supposed to do? Not fuck side bitches‽ Unconscionable.


Here's another success story.


https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/akhiu7/struggling_to_sort_through_irrational_feelings/ (Archive)

"Struggling to sort through irrational feelings" - what irrational feelings might those be?


Also, from that same (poor, poor) woman - have some of the reddit comment Q&A

Redditor : "... Have you looked for someone outside of your main relationship? If you did, how did he take it? ..."
Her : "I did before our break, he destroyed any relationship I started. But he was incredibly jealous and spiteful. We spent the last year with him in therapy working on those toxic reactions to his feelings. Now I don’t have the energy to start anything, firstly because we were on a break from poly and my mindset has been focused on him and our children. And secondly, because I’m really just afraid of building something with someone and getting hurt because of my husbands jealousy."

Redditor : a huge wall of text about what she can be doing better, jesus christ reddit
Her : "Sex is definitely a hard one for me, after having our youngest, I just haven’t felt confident at all. It’s something we are working on definitely, but it just feels like when there’s something new, it’s him thinking of her and that flairs my inadequacies. This is the one I want to mention the least to him, I don’t want him to disconnect or feel awkward about being sexual with me."

Poly is where relationships go to die and stagnant. This is really just cheating with extra steps and justification because 'the other party is in the know'. But it seems like knowing hurts worse than ignorance by these people and their incredible upset over their partners fucking other people.

It's almost like humans are complex creatures and trying to stifle natural emotions like jealousy are incredibly unhealthy.

 

[scathefire]

Poly is where relationships go to die and stagnant. This is really just cheating with extra steps and justification because 'the other party is in the know'. But it seems like knowing hurts worse than ignorance about it by these people and their incredible upset over their partners fucking other people.

It's almost like humans are complex creatures and trying to stifle nature emotions like jealousy are incredibly unhealthy.

And with “opening” a relationship, it’s just breaking up with extra steps. I can’t comprehend why mutually agreeing to fuck other people would salvage a failing relationship.

 

[Vorhtbame]

And with “opening” a relationship, it’s just breaking up with extra steps. I can’t comprehend why mutually agreeing to fuck other people would salvage a failing relationship.

They want it to work, and if modern society has taught them anything, you just have to want something hard enough and reality will bend to your will.

 

[Tanner Glass]

And with “opening” a relationship, it’s just breaking up with extra steps. I can’t comprehend why mutually agreeing to fuck other people would salvage a failing relationship.

I'm sure it can work with two people (or more) people who have their own individual high self-confidence and self-worth values and it seems to be a somewhat common arrangement for people who typically aren't near one another or cannot have sex for a different reason (ex - a husband who frequently travels for work, a wife with a traveling husband, a husband/wife who has medical issues preventing sex) although these situations are really uncommon. The most common is the wife of a rich (CEO, politician, celebrity, whatever) who just doesn't care that he is banging side bitches as long as it stays quiet and her life stays great.

r/polyamory is like shooting fish in a barrel though because people with high self-worth and self-confidence don't whine on message boards asking on tips on how to ignore their own feelings in terrible relationships.

 

[Maggots on a Train v2]

Polyamorists and all the other tumblrgender people deserve credit for one thing, they've unwittingly created and labelled themselves with a very accurate set of public red flags.

You used to have to date people for months, and start to genuinely care about them, before you found out they were fucked in the head or forever 13.

 

[Tanner Glass]

More success stories

A tale in two parts.
Part 1 (https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/...en_see_people_talking_about_how_to_deal_with/) (Archive) - 3 Months Ago

I can’t seem to help but feel guilty whenever my partner has an issue with our poly dynamic. We’re only new to this, so any literature I find is about how to ‘manage jealousy’ (understandably). However I’m wondering how the people on the other side of it manage to deal with any feelings of guilt they may develop on account of their partners feeling all the bad stuff?

I do my best to reassure him, talk to him, allow him to communicate what’s going on, address all the issues etc. it’s just sometimes I get a bit stuck with seeing him upset/hurt.

Part 2 (https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/an1dti/just_had_to_walk_away/) (Archive) - Today

Hi beautiful people,

Don’t really know where else to talk about this.

I just had to end my relationship with the boyfriend and am feeling pretty shit. Throughout my life I’ve never been able to put myself first. My SO always came before anything else. So when I came out as poly I never expected to be able to find the strength to say ‘no, I’ve had enough’.

Long story short, I was let down. Without boring you guys with the details, or succumbing to self-pity, I just felt like I wasn’t being taken seriously. I was a second choice. I was not important or loved. Almost like a play-thing that could be picked up or put down at someone else’s discretion.

So I did something I never thought I could, I said no. That this wasn’t good enough. I would not be chasing anymore. And I ended it.
...
My partner is here, currently trying to help but I do feel quite empty.

Another successful procedure. Went from "this is feeling shaky" 3 months ago to "feeling quite empty" today, quite an uplifting story. Who could have foresaw that your "second boyfriend" might treat you like a "second girlfriend".

 

[Tanner Glass]

Here's another partial success story, with a hidden surprise ending that I almost missed.

https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/aldx3o/no_real_title_just_dont_know_how_to_handle_this/ (Archive) - 4 days ago.

So my husband (37) and I have been married for going on 15 years, we have two amazing boys 15 and 13, and we have been in a poly relationship for over a year living with his gf (26). I love her to death as a person, but some things she does is bothersome. I work a M-F job with an hour commute each way. Her hours at her job and her commute is very different compared to mine, we live about 5 minutes from her work and she has some days off during the week.

So here is my issue. She doesn't help with house chores. She doesn't cook, claim she doesn't know how, can't brown hamburger, cant make instant mashed potatoes, cant make box mac and cheese. If I try to show her she just leaves the kitchen and disappears to her bed room. She doesn't clean house, I have never seen her do dishes. Treats the boys as her personal butlers, wants them to do her laundry and other house chores. She is also very hard to have a decent conversation with. Even if I am really nice about it she gets very in her feelings and shuts down. I don't know what to do.

Am I blowing this out of proportion? Any tips y'all can give me? Or just tell me to get over it and that is what I will deal with for the foreseeable future.

Husband had a side piece that basically feels like her only house job is to fuck the husband, and is substantially younger. Reddit comments tell her (correctly, which isn't that uncommon for these threads) that the OP and her husband should sit down and talk about it with the girlfriend. There hasn't been an update on r/polyamory but realistically she had to have talked to her husband or the girlfriend (or both)? I wonder how that went.

From a different thread titled "Tell us what's on your mind" - 1 hour ago.

I'm 37, married for going on 15 years and have decided that when my 12 yo turns 18 that I'm going to file for divorce. I'm not happy with my SO. There's no more love, nor a way to rekindle the relationship. We are pleasant with each other, but I just don't love him and refuse to believe that this is what love and marriage just ends up being. There has to be more out there for me.

Imagine that - a 15 year marriage destroyed by polyamory. Likely the husband could no longer give a shit about his family after he got his 26 year old to move in (who was living at home previously) and the wife picked up on it when they talked.

 

[Hollywood Hulk Hogan]

I wonder how their children feel about that. I am guessing not good. But the husband doesn't care because he's a selfish piece of shit who only wants to get his dick wet

 

[MW 002]

Is it just me or is it that all these Poly relationships are a wet dream for BPD psychos?

It’s got everything a BPD Psycho would want:
•Endless attention
•Lots of drama
•Plenty of opportunities for manipulation

No wonder Borderlines are attracted to this shit

Edit:

Good god, I was just fucking joking.

 

[scathefire]

Is it just me or is it that all these Poly relationships are a wet dream for BPD psychos?

It’s got everything a BPD Psycho would want:
•Endless attention
•Lots of drama
•Plenty of opportunities for manipulation

No wonder Borderlines are attracted to this shit

Edit:
View attachment 657604

Good god, I was just fucking joking.

That makes a lot of sense actually, it would definitely explain Onision.

 

[lingling]

Is it just me or is it that all these Poly relationships are a wet dream for BPD psychos?

It’s got everything a BPD Psycho would want:
•Endless attention
•Lots of drama
•Plenty of opportunities for manipulation

No wonder Borderlines are attracted to this shit

Mmhmm, polyamory seems to be a hotbed for people with borderline. I don't mean to be an armchair psychologist, but after reading through some posts on the subreddit and on here, a lot of people who get involved with this shit show classic signs of BPD. No doubt a lot of them are just abusive assholes, but when I see people who're 30+ addicted to the drama and instability that polyamorous relationships are infamous for, it's not difficult to think that they could be borderline.

 

[Vorhtbame]

Mmhmm, polyamory seems to be a hotbed for people with borderline. I don't mean to be an armchair psychologist, but after reading through some posts on the subreddit and on here, a lot of people who get involved with this shit show classic signs of BPD. No doubt a lot of them are just abusive assholes, but when I see people who're 30+ addicted to the drama and instability that polyamorous relationships are infamous for, it's not difficult to think that they could be borderline.

They may also have suffered from childhood narcissistic abuse or abuse by borderlines themselves, to be perfectly fair. Having an absolutely crap set of examples when you're forming your ideas of how people should or shouldn't be toward one another can impact how one acts out one's own relationships.

Side thought: I wonder how much overlap there is between polyamorous nutbars and children whose parents were adulterers, "serial monogamists", out-of-wedlock parents, or multiple divorcees. I'm trying to look that up, but all I'm getting for search results is a bunch of fluffy bullshit about how monogamy is so first-century and the future belongs to the sluts.

 

[scathefire]

I'm trying to look that up, but all I'm getting for search results is a bunch of fluffy bullshit about how monogamy is so first-century and the future belongs to the sluts.

If you’re trying to use Google try using DuckDuckGo or something, Google is built to give you biased search results. If you’re already doing that then maybe the problem (clarification: polyamory) is worse than I previously thought.