Write a fanfiction about your favorite kiwis

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Here, I wrote some fanfic about @Jacob Harrison.

The taste of iron is in the air and the sound of static is everywhere around me, and yet I feel so... calm. But why wouldn't I? Everything is fine. We're right where we need to be. I guide my hand through your lovely dark curls, tainted with rust, and bring them to my nose. They smell of strawberries, of beautiful flowers, of everything that is right and beautiful. You're perfect. This moment is perfect.

Look at you, staring at me with those good old eyes of yours. I'm going to need a map before I lose myself in them, haha! Those big, beautiful eyes that always magnetically drew me to you, striking and curious and impossibly round. I used to feel so nervous whenever you watched me from afar - you have an awfully piercing gaze - but it didn't take long before I finally realized what hid behind them. You're so enigmatic, almost frustratingly so at times, but I suppose that's what I liked about you. I always enjoyed a good puzzle.

But after all that trouble, now that I'm staring at them from here, something feels different. A certain je ne sais quoi. In the end, eyes just don't look the same from the grasp of your hand. I suppose I'm just a romantic at heart. Oh well, at least you finally stopped screaming, hahaha. Who knew that such a petite lady as yourself could make such awful noise? I don't even want to imagine what it would've been like on our honeymoon! Now that would've been embarrassing.

Well, I guess it's my turn now. Don't have too much fun without me up there!
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vertexwindi said:
Women can scream about plenty of things. One time I was tickling my best friend and she screamed so loud you would've thought I was killing her! Hahaha, women, am I right?
Click to expand...
So what was the woman in the story screaming about?
 
I don't know if I should write this as a fan fic starring my fellow Kiwis since the idea is pretty autistic as fuck, but here's my idea...

My idea is a parody of Critical Role where a group of Kiwis are playing a tabletop role-playing game set in a homebrew setting and Ghost from True Capitalist Radio is the Game Master.

It would be a story within a story, with chapters for both in-character and out-of-character events.

As for which Kiwis to include, I'm not sure. I'm aiming for a group of five Kiwis to feature as characters in this trainwreck of a story.

Any volunteers?
 
One for @Vorhtbame
One day Vorhtbame was babysitting her grandson. As she was on her computer the child woke up from his nap, walked up to her and said "Grandma, whatcha doing?"
Vorthbame replied to the inquisitive youngster "I'm on Kiwi Farms."
The little boy in awe of what his grandmother was doing eagerly asked "Can I go on Kiwi Farms too?"
Vorhtbame granted the child's request and sat the him down on her lap to begin his first foray onto the Farms.
She then went into Movie Bob's thread and explained to the child "This is a lolcow. They are people who post dumb things to the internet for all the world to see and then wonder why the world makes fun of them for posting dumb things on the internet."
The young boy, noting Blobb's thread length and obesity, asked his grandmother "Is this man a big lolcow?"
The grandmother exclaimed "One of the biggest on the sight!"

After learning how Bob sabotaged his own employment, makes terrible YouTube vidoes, and frequently makes statements advocating for eugenics, the boy looked to his Grandma and said "This guy is a big idiot. How can someone keep on doing these things that make people make fun of him for all the time?"
Vorhtbame deftly replied "Because that is what lolcows do. Whether they are just dumb people, ego-maniacs, or truly evil they cannot help themselves in just doing things that make them a source for ridicule. It also helps that they do all of this online so anyone can see and archive it."
The boy nodded in agreement and asked "How do I not be a lolcow Grandma? I don't want to be like Robert Chipman."
Vorhtbame smiled reassuringly and said "As long as you don't live your life 24/7 on the internet, get out of your house, and be a decent person you'll never be anything close to a lolcow honey."
He asked "You think so?"
She replied "I know so."

A few minutes later Vorhtbame's daughter came home to relieve her mother of her babysitting duties.
The young woman said "Thanks again for watching him Mom. Work has been really busy lately and you babysitting is a massive help."
Vorhtbame replied reassuringly "Oh it was nothing dear. In fact your son and I had a pretty great day together."
The boy ran up to his mother and said "Grandma is really cool! Can she watch me again please!?"
The mother slightly taken aback by the boy's enthusasim said "Sure! You two seem to enjoy each other's company a lot."
Vorhtbame said "I guess I'll be here same time tomorrow then?"
Her daughter replied "Yes and thanks again for watching him."
As Vorhtbame was leaving, she hugged her grandson and gave him a kiss.
The boy whispered to his grandmother "Grandma you're really awesome, can you show me more threads on Kiwi Farms tomorrow?"
Vorhtbame responded "And the day after that, and the day after that."

As she walked out the door and to her car Vorhtbame felt proud. Not only had she imparted sage advice to the growing boy, she also was molding him into a a true-blue Kiwi. "And the best part" she thought to her self "is I get to do all of this again tomorrow."
 
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Part 2
Chapter 4
War on Autism Planet is Coming

The courtroom of the Kiwi Settlement fell silent. During the second week of the Event, everything had stabilized for the Kiwis, with 10% of the population having marginally useful superpowers that ran contrary to the individual's personality, hopes, and desires. High Judge Cosmos herself had the power to give anyone a Protestant work ethic, a power she only used once. Never again.

Judge Cosmos, who was also Mayor and General walk into the courtroom. Your Weird Fetish was standing in the Defendant's spot.

"And so begins the cases of Your Weird Fetish," Cosmos said, "You are accused of cheating in the first degree. How do you plea?"

"I would have gotten away with it if I had three more wishes!" Your Weird Fetish said. "Also, I plea the Fifth."

"You're about two seconds too late to use the Fifth."

"Well, jokes on you. It will cost more resources to jail me for life, because I have ultimate longevity! I'll be consuming food for eight more months than a mere mortal," Your Weird Fetish yelled."

Cosmos raised an eyebrow. "The sentence is two months."

"Ten month then!" Your Weird Fetish said.

Meanwhile at the border.

Some edgy teenager was running out of the forest covered in blood.

"Halt," said of the two border guards. "That's Antifa's uniform."

"No," said the teenager. "Antifa is no more on Autism Planet."

"Good," said the other guard.

"No, you don't understand. It was an invasion by the Fur Nazis," the teenager said.

"That's Pathetic," said the first guard.

"No, it was a total wipe," reiterated the teenager.

"That sound like Antifa to me," said the second guard.

"I mean the Fur Nazis were actually competent!" said the communist.

Both the guard drop their blue mycenaean stun sticks. "What?!?!??" said the first guard. "We must tell the mayor right away."

10 Minutes later.

"So let me get this straight," Cosmos said in military officer's hat with her fingers crossed on the table. "Foxler had the powers to turn people into a Aryan Nazi Super Soldiers who want to kill gay furries, and now Casey Hoerth has control over an idealized SS. Furthermore, it appears Hoerth has the power to return anyone to Earth, but at his will only, which he offers for espionage and strategic purposes."

The Fool was the next one to speak. "I'm pretty sure they will self-destruct somehow."

"No this is a foreseen crisis. Autists are now finally using their powers in broken ways and this is the first we are hearing of a method of returning home. This will require a full time General," Cosmos said.

"Yes!" Null said. "I already designed the uniforms."

"Umm, Hoerth's powers really concern me," S-Chan said, "He can return anyone home. That's a huge leverage."

"Like why would anyone want to return home?" The Fool said with a smile.

"Literally 96% of Kiwi's polled agreed 'I funking hate this planet'." Cosmos said. "With 'it's okay' being 2%."

"Okay, can we just concede defeat?" Ruin said, "I don't care if Autism Planet is renamed to Fur Nazi Planet."

"I think he would literally take all our women," said Null, "and leave the ugly ones to his foot soldiers. At least that's what I would do if I had an augmented-SS lead army."

"With Cosmos no longer being a General due to the severity of the situation, who will be the General for the army?" Ruin said.

"What are you talking about?" said Null, "I've been the only other candidate."

Just then the doors of the Situation Room slammed opened, "It's as boring as all hell, but I have the superpower to see the exact probability of events within 24 hours," AutisticDragonKin said. "I submit my application for General of the Kiwi Army."
 
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Sorry I haven't updated the story this month. I've been busy recently, but I have the next chapter almost done. I will upload it soon after I finish it up.
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Posted 7 years ago
 
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@Null waited. The lights above him blinked and sparked out of the air. There were trannies on the net. He didn't see them, but had expected them, now for years. His warnings to the Kiwis were not listenend to and now it was too late. Far too late for now, anyway.
@Null was a site-admin for fourteen years. When he was young he watched the internet and he said to dad "I want to work on the internet, daddy."
Dad said "NO! YOU WILL BE DOX BY TRANNIES!"
There was a time when he believed him. Then as he got oldered he stopped. But now in the Ukrainian apartment of the Kiwi LLC he knew there were trannies.
"This is @champthom ," the radio crackered. "You must dox the trannies!"
So @Null gotted his hacking-browser and blew up the firewall.
"HE GOING TO DOX US," said the trannies!
"I will DMCA at him," said the Diaperfur Tranny and xe wrote angry Tweets. @Null trolled at xim and tried to deadname xim. But then the cloudflare fell and they were 502'd and not able to shitpost.
"No! I must dox the trannies," he shouted!
The radio said "No, @Null. You are the trannies."
And then, @Null was a lolcow.
 
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Book 5:
Checkmate Atheists

Null walked to the table of people with dimly lit faces. "Hello, Gentelmen. As you know, war is coming and we have a meme of a general leading the official military. We can't lose to Fur Nazis. I request a special team, of Lolcow tier autists for an epic quest."

"We already have a team," on of the council members said. "Look at these profiles."

Agent Number: 17
Special Agent Name: Yawning Sneasel
Power Level: 9
Power: Near Omnipotent ability to teleport diaper
But: can never touch diapers
Role: Debuff opponents

Agent Number: 1
Special Agent Name: CWC
Power Level: 11
Power: Laser beams, including elemental beams
But: well can't ummm aim.
Role: DPS

Agent Number: 8
Special Agent Name: Brad Watson
Power Level: 10
Power: Shadow Clones
But: Can't exist as 7 or 4
Role: Tank

Agent Number: 12
Special Agent Name: Null
Power Level: 3
Power: Mindscape shit
But: It's a lame power
Role: Plan Guy

"Christ-Chan! since when has CWC discovered on Autism Planet?" Null said.

"He's been with the Kiwis since day one on Autism Planet. I seriously don't know how you missed this," Mysterious dude said. "So what is your plan?"

"We shall find an Autist who'se ironic superpower is turning people into Anthros as counter leverage."

"Literally Impossible." The Fool said. "Every male human is a raging furry. It's how God makes sure we can always get an erection at will. Also true for any woman with the slightest amount of autism. Therefore, that can not be an ironic superpower." He threw his profile at Null

Agent Number: 4
Special Agent Name: The Fool
Power Level: 7
Power: Immune to all forms of death
But: Except Murder
Role: None

"That's stupid"
"Why do we let you in here?"

"Fool," Null siad, " Every person in this meeting is "male". That's an awful claim to make here."

"Indeed," The Fool said. "Think of an anthro foxgirl with giant tiddies. Remember, the front isn't nearly as furry."

There was some mummers at the table.

"You don't have that much faith in our imaginations." Null said. "Puberty makes us think weird things. We would know these things.

"How big are these tittles?" someone in shadows asked.

"Oh my God, I hate myself" another said.

Null rolled his eyes.

"The size range for the bust is, at a the smallest, slightly bigger than soccer balls. As for the upper range: the curvature of the hips is barely visible in a push up bra. Everyone has there own preference of what's best of course"

Null sat up. "What!?! hip curvature? Like, Child Birthing hips?!

The was a pause.

"Yes," said The Fool. "Child Birthing hips. Why wouldn't she?"

Null hit his head against the table.

"How?!?!"

"Beware, if women find this out about men, it will end civilization as they will never associate with a male again. Both on Autism Planet, and on Earth as well. Mars too if we ever get there." The Fool said.

"Now that you've made this day the worst day of my life" Null said

"Best" the fool siad.

Null thought a bit. "Yeah, True. BUUUTTT, we still have the Nazi problem. I don't see you coming up with a plan."

"I have studied the nature of the superpowers and believe that there is a new form to unlock. Ever autist's power level is determine by their autism, but it's a ethereal magic that does exist within the body. It is impossible for the magic substance to go down even if they improve themselves. What's more odd is there it doesn't exist everywhere in can, as in ever autist has something block the magic where others can have it by something call the Hamartia. Ancient writings from the nearby ruins speak of a specific magical transformation into a powerful being called the Epiphaneia, of which an autist because less of a lolcow in a moment of learning a flaw within them and overcoming it."

Everyone laugh at the joke.

"excuse me, I wasn't trying to by funny," The Fool said, but his delivery was too perfect.
 
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