Personal Lolcows - Lolcows in your personal life.

[mlane]

I used to know a guy way back in school. He was definitely weird and awkward and annoyed a lot of people, wasn't good with social cues. Looking back, I realize he's probably somewhere on the "autism spectrum". He reminds me a lot of Chris

Spoiler: snip snip for length

...latched on to any girl who was nice to him, making them extremely uncomfortable, weird obsessions, taking his own fantasy worlds way too seriously... and I say that as a huge obsessive nerd myself. I remember him talking to me for an hour one day about his original character who was obviously himself and how he was in the Lord of the Rings universe but had guns. And when I say "talking to me", I mean that: even when I tried to politely talk back he'd interrupt me. That was the point where I just stopped talking to him. I can deal and sympathize with people who are awkward and bad at social cues, but rudeness I wont tolerate.

He actually dated a girl in HS. She was awkward herself but she was a nice girl and I was happy for him that he finally had someone, but he ended up driving her away within a month: she broke up with him. I never got the specifics because she refused to talk about them but basically apparently she said a couple years later to us he was "being gross" and pressuring her to "do disgusting things even with people watching". So I'm guessing something sexual. I know she had sex with an earlier boyfriend so it wasn't just plain sex she was objecting to, she was definitely not a prude. I have to assume he was asking for some really fucked up public stuff.

Anyway I lost track of him after high school, but I bring him up because I bumped into him recently. He's 100 times worse now than he was in HS. In HS he was clearly a "standard unfashionable nerd", but he was clean and he was groomed. Not anymore. His hair is shoulder length and scraggly as fuck, just like Chris's, and his clothes have gone from "awkward but clean nerd fashion" to "is this guy homeless?" He fucking smelled. He spotted me before I spotted him and he after nine years of not seeing or speaking to each other, he decides the best way to say hello to me is to come up close beside me in the store and fucking loom silently. At first I thought it was some disturbed shopper out of the corner of my eye, but then I looked and recognized him. I said hello but stayed really short and clipped with him and kept moving away. He clearly didn't get the cue at all and just sort of followed me down the aisle, still silently looming. I said "Well, goodbye" and basically fled the store because it was so disturbing. His social skills have obviously deteriorated since leaving school. I know I probably could have been nicer, and I probably would have been if he had greeted me more normally, like "hey Mig, long time no see, remember we went to school together?" instead of just fucking looming three inches from my head...

Anyway, lolcow stories about him from school

• he would come in at least once a week dressed like some sort of cowboy...we lived in Massachusetts
• later in the HS years he'd come in often dressed like a Matrix character reject complete with sunglasses worn over his regular glasses
  
• he missed his bus to go home from school several times because he was too distracted making girls uncomfortable
• someone once straight up told him to leave his girlfriend the fuck alone in an angry voice...he responded by laughing awkwardly because he thought it was a joke
• on Halloween one year he came to school dressed up in a wizard costume with a big billowing robe, but he had no top at all on under the robe, so every time it slipped, his entire top half was nude
• he tried to join the card games club which was full of other awkward dudes and they kicked him out within two months for being annoying
• ...and he told everyone he "quit" because he was just so good at the card games that they couldn't handle it and could talk your ear off for hours about his sweet Yu Gi Oh card moves that they "just didn't understand"

 

[Frank Rizzo]

Recently ran into a guy I went to school with (Catholic School, from 5th to 8th grade). He's a cop now, and the two of us BS'ed for about 10 minutes. As we conversed, he told me how he recently had to arrest one of our old classmates for loitering at a train station. The thing about this kid was, back when we all went to school, he was one of the "main bullies" of our grade, basically a little douchey J.O who picked on everyone, including me. Thankfully, he went to a different H.S then me, so I didn't have to deal with him after 8th grade, but my cop friend went to the same H.S as him and pretty much said "Once he became a freshman in H.S, suddenly, he wasn't the big man on campus. He'd try and act tough around Juniors and Seniors, and would usually get his ass kicked by them." He pretty much became like Chris in a way, he'd attempt to act tough, and kids would just kinda play along in a "Oh, yeah, I'm reeeeeeeeally scared of you, yep, absolutely..." kinda way.

To make a long story short, after H.S, apparently the bottom fell out for this kid. He dropped out of college, got (and lost) several shitty low paying jobs, and now apparently is a 30-31 year old who still acts like a teenage thug and spends most of his time either smoking pot or hanging out by the train station near his house harassing people.

 

[Gagamaru]

i vaguely know these people and no real names lest they come a-murdering. so i'll just say that they're a few brothers that are children/grandchildren of a car racing family that think they're important because of their family name but don't actually have any talent at racing themselves and are obsessed with guns and their right to carry guns. they go into shops that have signs up saying 'no guns', give the people working there cards saying that they're carrying and act all indignant when they're still asked to leave. their response to any shooting tragedies is always that if everyone else was armed it couldn't possibly have happened and in general they're just self-righteous rightwing cunts.

 

[Henry Bemis]

...and now apparently is a 30-31 year old who still acts like a teenage thug and spends most of his time either smoking pot or hanging out by the train station near his house harassing people.

His house or his parents'? It's the lolcow board, so it's a pertinent question.

 

[Frank Rizzo]

His house or his parents'? It's the lolcow board, so it's a pertinent question.

He apparently lives with a bunch of other drop-outs that he knew from H.S in a shitty studio apartment.

 

[MerriedxReldnahc]

Well tis' the season, so I think it's as good a time as any to share this story about my step-grandma, who is our family's own horrorcow. I might share a bit about my step-grandpa in another post, but he's not as interesting.
Sorry if this is kind of long and drawn-out. You had to be there to fully understand the horror.

Spoiler: One hell of a Christmas

My Grandpa always said that the definition of insanity was doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. This sums up his relationship with my step-grandma, who I'll just call Crazy Lady, or CL for short. They've broken up and got back together more times then anyone can remember, and it hasn't gone any better each time. So just a little backstory about CL, she really is quite crazy. She's used to be a nurse until she got her nursing license taken away because she broke into the hospital where she worked to steal painkillers. I think she was institutionalized or at least in jail at some point. She still takes a crazy cornucopia of medications because she thinks she knows what she's doing.

So, onto Christmas! This wasn't Christmas Day, it was earlier in the week so it was a smaller gathering ( Crazy Lady, grandpa, mom, my uncle and I) and much more awkward. When she opened the door in her ugly Christmas sweater and ill fitting sweatpants, my mom and uncle feigned having a cold so they didn't have to hug her. I took one for the team and gave her one, fearing what was to come. So for dinner we had sandwiches on stale bread with whatever condiments she had in her fridge, we ate in the living room and she tried to get me to eat an entire bowl of black olives because I loved them when I was like, 5. At some point, CL's daughter and granddaughter arrived, who were surprisingly normal and I'm pretty sure did not like CL one bit. We were also treated to a horribly creepy Polycom with CL's son, who just stared at us in total silence and occasionally hacked up mucous. CL informed us that he was very good with computers and she could ask him to access our computers remotely and manage our files if we needed. (My dad actually does computer networking for a living, we aren't getting this random creepy guy to look at out shit)
So presents time, and this is the really crazy part of the story.
My mom and I got hangable plastic jewelry organizers that probably cost $4 max and might actually have come out of her closet. Her granddaughter got empty cardboard gift boxes with Disney characters on them that CL actually admitted to having in her closet for years, but my poor uncle got the worst of it. My grandpa gave him a choice. He could have $500, which he really, really needed, or...
"Ya want what's in here?" CL asked, grabbing her fupa and jiggling it a little.
She proceeded to pull a box with Windows 8 software out of her sweatpants.
Guys, there is no reaction gif in existence that can describe how horrifying that was to witness.
So my uncle is having a hard time deciding between these two things that he really needs, and eventually chooses Windows 8. Grandpas kind of a douche so instead of giving my uncle $500 that could go for rent and utilities, he gives it to me, who will at best spend it on Naruto crap shut up I was 14 I gave the money to my uncle in the car ride home, even at that age I knew I didn't need it as much as he did.
We avoid seeing her like the plague, and every time we do it's a surreal experience. She has this weird complex about faking medical conditions for attention, and for the last few years it's that she has some kind of vocal chord issue. On top of all her existing crazy, she's speaking in this horribly unsettling soft yet high-pitched cartoon character voice. Like, imagine CWC whispering.
Hoped you found this story at least somewhat interesting; my mom, uncle, and I retell it every year while my dad thanks the gods that he was able to get out of it.

 

[Juggalo Jesus]

One that comes to mind is the story of Lanny, the manchild who was the opposite of a kleptomaniac.

Spoiler

Lanny was someone who hung around in the main nerd groups at my university. This included the video game club, the anime club where I resided, and the unofficial MTG club. He was a tall guy, with a voice that didn't fit. It was high-pitched and kind of asthmatic. When he and I first met, he was pretty cool. He had a job, played games, didn't bother anyone and was kind of funny.
But something changed in him once he became the vice-president of the anime club. He went from harmless nerdy dude to full on obnoxious manchild. He would tell inappropriate rape jokes in club and in public, despite the fact they made people visually uncomfortable. When he wasn't bragging about becoming a vegetarian and drinking like a chimney, he was flicking his Magic cards about. He started playing at 10 a.m. every morning in the Student Union, only stopping for work and when the Union closed. He wouldn't perform his duties as vice president, such as organizing card tournaments, taking over when the president wasn't around, etc. During the same tournament, instead of monitoring and resolving issues, he left to play Magic. Twice. That same event, he was tasked with watching the desk and guarding the money we had made. He left to go play Magic. When other members confronted him, be played the victim saying it was boring and how it wasn't fair.
I made mention of him being the opposite of a kleptomaniac, which he was. Everywhere he went, he would forget something. Instead of taking shit, he would leave shit. Cards, keys, headphones, etc. One time, he was in someone's apartment for literally 2 minutes while someone took a piss. In that short time, he left his headphones, his socks, his friggin' wallet. And he was really sensitive about it too. If you ever gave him crap or light ribbing about it, he would become incredibly defensive. In addition to this, he was completely inconsiderate to the property of others. A friend of mine loaned a dvd to him at the beginning of the semester. Day before move-out day, she asks for it back. He bitches and rants at her about all the "stress" and "bullcrap" he has had to go through. He then cries, apologizes in a half-assed manner and returns the dvd.
He eventually left to go to a neighboring college. He visits from time to time, if only to just play Magic with people who didn't hate him by the end of their first yer knowing him.

 

[Secret Majora]

I have a person, and I can't believe I'm still watching her on deviantART.

Prussiawashere999, from the title you can already tell she's a tard for Hetalia. I've met her in real life, and jfc she's really weird. She's a big fan of Warriors, so her gallery is filled to the brim with shitty kitties.

Speaking of kitties, the way she draws them is awful:

Spoiler: jfc

I don't recall cats needing to be fucking giants, nor do they smoke.

 

[Enjoy your spaghetti]

There is a woman from my old hometown from a fairly prominent family that is actually a semi famous lolcow/sadcow. I hadn't thought of her in a long time until my sister and I did some reminiscing. I'll call her Sue, because that's what she did a lot of.

Sue's family was affluent and everything on the surface looked promising. She came from money, was very attractive, and had a couple of marketing/PR degrees that enabled her to gtfo of our little town and do shit in the real world. One of the perks of her career was spending time with celebrities, where she rubbed elbows and other parts with celebrities. Michael Jordan was one of these famous people and their affair (he was married at the time) was an open secret. Sue returns home and subsequently is revealed to be pregnant. Michael Jordan is claimed to be the baby daddy, but he denies it and a paternity test proves him right. So instead of acknowledging another local man as the father, what does Sue do? That's right, she demands further tests and child support from MJ. Every single test comes back proving that Sues's son isn't his, and domestic relations keeps telling her to kick rocks, but she doggedly pursues him by any means necessary--including harassing voicemails, press leaks, angry visits, and more legal action. Jordan obtains a restraining order and Sue is legally barred from any contact or further legal action against him.

A year or so later, the dust has settled a little bit, and Sue is quietly living with her parents and raising her son. My job at a community center had me bumping into her occasionally and sometimes I dealt with her son. He was a cute little boy with a huge smile and good manners, so I don't pay Sue any further mind than any other parent or child. She seemed like she had some issues, but as long as Little Not Jordan was being raised it wasn't my business or concern. My last conversation with Sue revealed that she was in a long distance relationship that was getting serious and she was considering moving to live with her new man and introducing LNJ on their next visit. I congratulated her and wished them both well.

And two-three months later, Sue is back in the headlines. This time she is suing Paris Hilton for stealing the idea of a Dubai season of "Paris Hilton's My New BFF" and interfering in her relationship with a Dubai sheik. Hilton's legal team has way less patience than Jordan's, and Sue only gets a couple of lawsuits dismissed before the courts block her from any legal action against Hilton ever.

Sue then takes her struggle online with incoherent blogs and YouTube videos declaring her love for the sheik and how all of these people--famous and not--are conspiring to keep them apart. She leaves the bulk of LNJ's care and upbringing to her parents while she defends her imaginary affair with Arab royalty. Her father is racist in the way that old Italian men are and nicknamed LNJ "eggplant" and LNJ develops some behavioral problems of his own. Sue's mother tried to get her daughter and grandson some help but is fought at every turn by Sue who sees her as part of the conspiracy. She instead rages online against her mother, Hilton, her high school friends, and one of Oscar de la Hoya's baby mamas for "stealing her life".

Surprise, surprise--she's now on the wrong end of a couple more restraining orders from a local woman and de la Hoya's ex after they had enough of her accusations and harassment. The local 911 operators have also banned her from calling--except for an extreme, true and honest emergency--after multiple daily calls reporting what Sue sees as "online harassment" from different opposed parties. She's racking up charges and lawsuits left and right, so she buys a one way ticket to Dubai and skips court. The Detroit police catch and arrest her at the airport, then Sue is returned home and serves a short sentence in county jail with house arrest for the other half. Sue gets right back online at home and rages some more, except now she's married to the sheik and they are due to have their wedding soon (?).

After she stalks another local woman "keeping (them) apart", that woman's boyfriend, and de la Hoya's ex again, she is sentenced to the local psych hospital and goes through a couple stays. The third round of treatment has seemed to stick; she's currently on probation at home with her treatment participation and improvement being factors in her most recent sentence. Her crazy blogs and videos haven't been updated in the last year and a half, so I consider that a good sign.

 

[Anonimo]

Spoiler: A minor innacuracy to correct

Originally I wrote that the guy sprayed an Indian kid with windex, but I recently remembered that he actually sprayed. A Mennonite kid for not being "technologically advanced" or some other equally stupid justification. Doesn't make what he did any better, but I just want to clear things up

Spoiler: Spoilered to contain textwall

Imagine that playground bully from grade school. Now imagine said playground bully trapped in a grown man's body. And you get a man like my neighbor. My family has lived next door to him since I was at least 2-3 years old and we have had a long history with them.

Now this neighbor is married with children. When I was really young, one winter he threw his son out into the cold without a shirt and socks before locking him out of the house. My mom sees this and carries him in her arms and tells off the neighbor. Spoiler: It didn't stick.

His son wasn't much better. One time when I was in preschool he was playing football in the front yard with my younger brothers, and somehow, one of them was being beaten up by Neighbor's son...and neighbor pinned down my brother so his son could punch him. My dad hears about this and goes out to confront the man and Neighbor decides to get in a fist fight with him. I can't remember all of the details, but I think my Dad won. I can't remember the full details but I think my Dad didn't press charges because he got involved in a fight trying to protect my little brother.

Over the years, Neighbor becomes a teacher at the local elementary school, and later middle school. In between Neighbor did all sorts of mean things to us. He cut the wires to our Christmas lights so that they wouldn't work. Then he pours gasoline on our garden to kill everything we've planted and we stop doing that. Then he steals an important hook to our backyard swing. I get on said swing without knowing this and get a massive goose egg after falling off. Then I find out his front yard swing was missing the same hook the day before and was mysteriously fixed. Hmmm.....

Next he sprays windex at an Mennonite kid in his class, but he's become buddy-buds with the then superintendent of the school district, so he gets out of legal trouble despite the incident being known to the whole town. And God knows what else he could get away with. He abused his kids and his wife to the point where it wasn't unusual to see a cop car in his driveway.

Of course, the wicked recieve their just rewards. Last month on Thanksgiving, he beat up his son and his wife had to call the police. The police arrive and try to subdue Neighbor. Neighbor shoves one of them into a glass case which breaks (thankfully the officer wasn't injured too badly). He got arrested and now he's staying in a hotel since he isn't allowed to see his family. He's no longer teaching, but the school district keeps paying him for some reason. He was awaiting a court hearing last I heard. My mom runs into the Police Cheif at a spinning class and Cheif tells her that they've been getting cases against Neighbor for years. Only now though have they been able to act since he resisted arrest and assaulted a cop in the process. There is going to be one helluva rude awakening for this guy when his day in court comes. I just hope his wife and kids will be alright...

 

[Ravenor]

Imagine that playground bully from grade school. Now imagine said playground bully trapped in a grown man's body. And you get a man like my neighbor. My family has lived next door to him since I was at least 2-3 years old and we have had a long history with them.

Now this neighbor is married with children. When I was really young, one winter he threw his son out into the cold without a shirt and socks before locking him out of the house. My mom sees this and carries him in her arms and tells off the neighbor. Spoiler: It didn't stick.

His son wasn't much better. One time when I was in preschool he was playing football in the front yard with my younger brothers, and somehow, one of them was being beaten up by Neighbor's son...and neighbor pinned down my brother so his son could punch him. My dad hears about this and goes out to confront the man and Neighbor decides to get in a fist fight with him. I can't remember all of the details, but I think my Dad won. I can't remember the full details but I think my Dad didn't press charges because he got involved in a fight trying to protect my little brother.

Over the years, Neighbor becomes a teacher at the local elementary school, and later middle school. In between Neighbor did all sorts of mean things to us. He cut the wires to our Christmas lights so that they wouldn't work. Then he pours gasoline on our garden to kill everything we've planted and we stop doing that. Then he steals an important hook to our backyard swing. I get on said swing without knowing this and get a massive goose egg after falling off. Then I find out his front yard swing was missing the same hook the day before and was mysteriously fixed. Hmmm.....

Next he sprays windex at an Indian kid in his class, but he's become buddy-buds with the then superintendent of the school district, so he gets out of legal trouble despite the incident being known to the whole town. And God knows what else he could get away with. He abused his kids and his wife to the point where it wasn't unusual to see a cop car in his driveway.

Of course, the wicked recieve their just rewards. Last month on Thanksgiving, he beat up his son and his wife had to call the police. The police arrive and try to subdue Neighbor. Neighbor shoves one of them into a glass case which breaks (thankfully the officer wasn't injured too badly). He got arrested and now he's staying in a hotel since he isn't allowed to see his family. He's no longer teaching, but the school district keeps paying him for some reason. He was awaiting a court hearing last I heard. My mom runs into the Police Cheif at a spinning class and Cheif tells her that they've been getting cases against Neighbor for years. Only now though have they been able to act since he resisted arrest and assaulted a cop in the process. There is going to be one helluva rude awakening for this guy when his day in court comes. I just hope his wife and kids will be alright...

Yikes, how a guy like that could end up as a teacher of all things is disturbing. I know in America the teaching situation is well different in terms of beurocisy from the UK but back when my Mum was teaching She knew a guy who was on a night out on got attacked an threw a punch back an lost his job a few weeks later. I mean your guy sprayed a cleaning chemical in a students face unless that was a genuine mistake the guy would have been facing Dismissal from his job at the least an likely assault charges.

And what He did you your brother, seriously? If it was two of his kids I could possibly understand but the parent? fucking hell. If I was your Dad punching him would have been the least I would have done.

I hope that asshat you have the misfortune to know when he gets the Book thrown at him, followed by the rest of the Law Library Brick by Brick.

 

[telegramsamo]

Here is some holiday-themed insanity.

Spoiler

 

[Frank Rizzo]

Here is some holiday-themed insanity.

Spoiler

How typical of a lolcow. Telling one version of the events to paint himself as a poor innocent victim being treated horribly by his "rotten" grandparents, then the grandfather coming in and telling the actual version that shows the lolcow is being......well, a lolcow.

 

[daisyrage]

Not entirely sure if they apply, but my personal lolcow is Jax1776. He's a libertarian, incredibly patriotic brony responsible for a truly amazing story "The Second American Revolution" in which the "good guys" deport every muslim to the ME, China annexes pretty much all of Asia in a year and Obama leads a brony militia against the revolutionaries.

And when he's not doing that he's making beautiful, moving artwork

 

[Ruin]

Ugh between the Iconoclast and the various conservative bronies its almost enough to make me rethink my political leanings.

 

[ManicPixieDreamGirl]

Here is some holiday-themed insanity.

Spoiler

I was SOOOOO hoping that this was Travis. And then God answered my prayers. She really DOES have the power to protect her people! From the looks of it, it seems like he has great grandparents. I'm not gonna lie: I would give my left tit to watch him "call on satin."

How typical of a lolcow. Telling one version of the events to paint himself as a poor innocent victim being treated horribly by his "rotten" grandparents, then the grandfather coming in and telling the actual version that shows the lolcow is being......well, a lolcow.

How much you wanna bet that his shenannigans are why half of his friend list keeps "associating" with him?

EDIT: After sacrificing my left tit, I would give my right tit to troll him. Given my (family's) actual background actual witchcraft, I know that I could milk those lulz so hard.

 

[Frank Rizzo]

How much you wanna bet that his shenannigans are why half of his friend list keeps "associating" with him?

Judging from the grandfather's post, I'm going to assume this clown has a bit of a rep for "calling on satin", so yeah, it wouldn't surprise me if he had some weens amongst his friends.

It's just kinda sad that I kinda called the "big twist" of this lolcow when I first started reading his story:

Lolcow: Waaaaah! My evil, mean grandparents won't associate with me just because I have Tourretes! Everyone feel pity for me, for even my own grandparents hate me!

Grandfather: Actually, we hate you cause you call on "Satin" when you don't get your way...

 

[Hummingbird]

Not entirely sure if they apply, but my personal lolcow is Jax1776. He's a libertarian, incredibly patriotic brony responsible for a truly amazing story "The Second American Revolution" in which the "good guys" deport every muslim to the ME, China annexes pretty much all of Asia in a year and Obama leads a brony militia against the revolutionaries.

And when he's not doing that he's making beautiful, moving artwork

I've been reading a riffing on it. It's amazing how much worse the Patriot made things in the story.

 

[Surtur]

Yikes, how a guy like that could end up as a teacher of all things is disturbing. I know in America the teaching situation is well different in terms of beurocisy from the UK but back when my Mum was teaching She knew a guy who was on a night out on got attacked an threw a punch back an lost his job a few weeks later. I mean your guy sprayed a cleaning chemical in a students face unless that was a genuine mistake the guy would have been facing Dismissal from his job at the least an likely assault charges.

And what He did you your brother, seriously? If it was two of his kids I could understand but the parent? fucking hell. If I was your Dad punching him would have been the least I would have done.

I hope that asshat you have the misfortune to know gets the Book thrown at him, followed by the rest of the Law Library Brick by Brick.

Yeah, I am pretty sure if that was my son, I would be in jail that night.

 

[daisyrage]

I've been reading a riffing on it. It's amazing how much worse the Patriot made things in the story.

Haha yeah that's kinda why I know the dude :p