Lolcows in Fiction (Books, TV, Movies, etc.)

[cuddle striker]

Well, I nominate a category of characters.

Slasher movie victims.

naw, they're usually boring suburban teens. the slashers, though, are usually troons (psycho, sleepaway camp), overly involved with their mothers (take your pick), completely batshit (Jason), or pedos (Freddy Kreuger).

Horror movies star horror cows.

 

[Darwin Watterson]

Here’s an unintentional horrorcow for you: Kirk Cameron’s character in the 1990’s TV movie, A Little Piece of Heaven. While this is supposed to be a feelgood Christmas film, literally the only change you’d have to make in order to turn it into a psychological thriller would be to swap out the whimsical music for something more suspenseful.

Kirk kidnaps orphaned children and takes them to his farm. He convinces them that they’re dead, and that the farm is heaven, so that they’ll play with his mentally r.etarded sister and keep her company. Incidentally, one of the kids is played by Jussie Smollett. Before he was faking hate crimes for attention, he was busy being the most fun part of the movie by virtue of not having any of Kirk’s bullshit.

Of course, since this is meant as a feelgood movie, Kirk receives no actual comeuppance despite being arguably a straight-up villain.

 

[Hummingbird]

Here’s an unintentional horrorcow for you: Kirk Cameron’s character in the 1990’s TV movie, A Little Piece of Heaven. While this is supposed to be a feelgood Christmas film, literally the only change you’d have to make in order to turn it into a psychological thriller would be to swap out the whimsical music for something more suspenseful.

Kirk kidnaps orphaned children and takes them to his farm. He convinces them that they’re dead, and that the farm is heaven, so that they’ll play with his mentally r.etarded sister and keep her company. Incidentally, one of the kids is played by Jussie Smollett. Before he was faking hate crimes for attention, he was busy being the most fun part of the movie by virtue of not having any of Kirk’s bullshit.

Of course, since this is meant as a feelgood movie, Kirk receives no actual comeuppance despite being arguably a straight-up villain.

I remember the Cinema Snob covered that film and you're right, he is an unintentional horrorcow.

 

[Midlife Sperglord]

naw, they're usually boring suburban teens. the slashers, though, are usually troons (psycho, sleepaway camp), overly involved with their mothers (take your pick), completely batshit (Jason), or pedos (Freddy Kreuger).

Horror movies star horror cows.

Nah, most slasher victims are obnoxious to the point where the audience empathizes with the killer.

 

[Hummingbird]

Nah, most slasher victims are obnoxious to the point where the audience empathizes with the killer.

Or they're rather generic and bland.

 

[Crichax]

I've just begun watching Atlanta (FX drama show), and I'm loving it. That being said, Paper Boy is a huge lolcow. He's a rapper who refuses to clean his goddamn house, associates with...bizarre and strange individuals, and is implied to bribe the owners of a club to let him and his friends in.

Also, everyone from Homestuck and Naruto are mega cows. Even waifu Jade.

 

[cuddle striker]

Nah, most slasher victims are obnoxious to the point where the audience empathizes with the killer.

Boring teenagers aren't obnoxious. what movies are you talking about, actually? when I think "slasher" I think, Pieces, Friday the 13, etc.

Or they're rather generic and bland.

That's exactly right. There's nothing cow-like about them, they're not interesting, and I'd be hard-pressed to call them obnoxious.

Other horror genres maybe have lolcow protagonists, but not slasher films.

 

[Hummingbird]

That's exactly right. There's nothing cow-like about them, they're not interesting, and I'd be hard-pressed to call them obnoxious.

Other horror genres maybe have lolcow protagonists, but not slasher films.

There's one guy named Frankie in Final Destination 3 who could be considered a lolcow. (Especially if you save him in the choose-your-own adventure mode of the DVD.) He's an egotistical sexual harasser who only took the blame for these two women's tanning bed-related deaths was "if it wasn't for him they wouldn't have felt the pressure to look so good".

But Frankie is more of an exception.

 

[Darwin Watterson]

One final note on Frost from MK:

In her arcade tower ending, the storyline goes that she betrays and kills Kronika because, as with everything else, Frost didn’t feel as though Kronika was giving her the asspats she thought she deserved.

So after becoming the literal ruler of time, with the ability to shape history however she sees fit, what does she do? Well first of all, she takes over the Lin Kuei because even with all that power, she still has a raging hateboner for Sub-Zero and needs to be petty and spiteful. She then proceeds to turn the Lin Kuei into her own personal army, and the rest of the world into a giant hugbox for herself. She uses her new time powers to make herself the most important person in all of history, and uses the Lin Kuei as a time-policing goon squad, punishing anyone throughout history who doesn’t kiss her ass.

 

[andr0id psycho sho(ker]

Plankton from spongebob

Is the definition of insanity given how he keeps trying different plans with always the same result

A fixation on going to college just like CWC or John Sweet

Lives alone with his sweet heart from the ground up Karen

Not a fan of his family

A excellent example of dunninng kruger effect in action etc

 

[PsychoNerd054]

Plankton from spongebob

Is the definition of insanity given how he keeps trying different plans with always the same result

A fixation on going to college just like CWC or John Sweet

Lives alone with his sweet heart from the ground up Karen

Not a fan of his family

A excellent example of dunninng kruger effect in action etc

Practically everyone from Spongebob is a lolcow in their own right.

 

[andr0id psycho sho(ker]

Practically everyone from Spongebob is a lolcow in their own right.

Quite true. I just got bored and decided to post something I thought hadn't been discussed here

 

[Doctor of Autism]

What about Shinji from Fate: Unrimited Brade Works?

Shinji probably was a full on lolcow in the Unlimited Blade Works route the most out of the other routes (he was just a cowardly cunt in the Fate route and a Horrorcow in Heaven's Feel). He pretty much did the following that would classify him as a cow in UBW:


>Tried to flirt/hit on the most popular girl in school (Rin) and kept failing at it
>Kept giggling like a psychopath out in the open for no reason
>Has massive sperg outs over being called useless or anyone putting his ego down
>Acted like he was hot shit
>Blames all of his problems on others instead of acknowledging he made mistakes
>Got trolled by Kotomine and Gilgamesh into thinking he was given the latter as a servant so he can still fight in the war for showing "resolve" when really it was just to have a back up vessel and for their amusement
>Was bossed around by Gilgamesh while thinking he was the one in charge.
>Tried to flirt with the maids of an enemy to take him to them thinking they'd take him seriously or listen to them
>Sucked up to both Shirou and Rin to propose alliances with them then makes death threats with rejection
>Runs away like a bitch screaming after getting a poke from a spear

There's not much else to him being a cow then that except somehow he's very popular with women in his school (except for the named characters). Only other notable thing there is about him in UBW besides turning into a grail was that after his survival, Nasu (the creator of FSN) implied that Shinji humbles out after UBW to just being a regular haughty teenager.


tl;dr Shinji is basically the DSP of Fate characters.

 

[DDBCAE CBAADCBE]

Shinji probably was a full on lolcow in the Unlimited Blade Works route the most out of the other routes (he was just a cowardly cunt in the Fate route and a Horrorcow in Heaven's Feel). He pretty much did the following that would classify him as a cow in UBW:


>Tried to flirt/hit on the most popular girl in school (Rin) and kept failing at it
>Kept giggling like a psychopath out in the open for no reason
>Has massive sperg outs over being called useless or anyone putting his ego down
>Acted like he was hot shit
>Blames all of his problems on others instead of acknowledging he made mistakes
>Got trolled by Kotomine and Gilgamesh into thinking he was given the latter as a servant so he can still fight in the war for showing "resolve" when really it was just to have a back up vessel and for their amusement
>Was bossed around by Gilgamesh while thinking he was the one in charge.
>Tried to flirt with the maids of an enemy to take him to them thinking they'd take him seriously or listen to them
>Sucked up to both Shirou and Rin to propose alliances with them then makes death threats with rejection
>Runs away like a bitch screaming after getting a poke from a spear

There's not much else to him being a cow then that except somehow he's very popular with women in his school (except for the named characters). Only other notable thing there is about him in UBW besides turning into a grail was that after his survival, Nasu (the creator of FSN) implied that Shinji humbles out after UBW to just being a regular haughty teenager.


tl;dr Shinji is basically the DSP of Fate characters.

He also beat his sister.

 

[kadoink]

One final note on Frost from MK:

In her arcade tower ending, the storyline goes that she betrays and kills Kronika because, as with everything else, Frost didn’t feel as though Kronika was giving her the asspats she thought she deserved.

So after becoming the literal ruler of time, with the ability to shape history however she sees fit, what does she do? Well first of all, she takes over the Lin Kuei because even with all that power, she still has a raging hateboner for Sub-Zero and needs to be petty and spiteful. She then proceeds to turn the Lin Kuei into her own personal army, and the rest of the world into a giant hugbox for herself. She uses her new time powers to make herself the most important person in all of history, and uses the Lin Kuei as a time-policing goon squad, punishing anyone throughout history who doesn’t kiss her ass.

Frost is an awful one note character written by a tard. Oh all the characters to expand upon Frost was an excellent choice, and they turn her into Brianna Wu. Shes half a character at best. MK11 is an ok fighting game, but story modes written by a lazy faggot who put as much PC shit as he could and thought it was amazing.

Shao Khan is a perfect example of this, because he went from being an semi interesting crazed conqueror from MK9 who existed to conquer everything, to a lazy bro stereotype. They go out of their way to make him leer at several female kombatants saying they'd be great concubines. Khan has always been a megalomaniac obsessed with power, everyone else is either an obstacle or a servant, little else matters to him. Making him a "bro" character was...pathetic. It adds nothing to him as a character by the stupid choices they made here, but this is whats happened to the MK series now.

All kinds of fun and interesting approaches they could have taken but they went for stupid. Shao Khan, Frost, Kano, Jax, Jaqui, Cetrion, Kronika, and Baraka are all written like babys third fan fiction.

 

[Marco Fucko]

Shinji probably was a full on lolcow in the Unlimited Blade Works route the most out of the other routes (he was just a cowardly cunt in the Fate route and a Horrorcow in Heaven's Feel). He pretty much did the following that would classify him as a cow in UBW:


>Tried to flirt/hit on the most popular girl in school (Rin) and kept failing at it
>Kept giggling like a psychopath out in the open for no reason
>Has massive sperg outs over being called useless or anyone putting his ego down
>Acted like he was hot shit
>Blames all of his problems on others instead of acknowledging he made mistakes
>Got trolled by Kotomine and Gilgamesh into thinking he was given the latter as a servant so he can still fight in the war for showing "resolve" when really it was just to have a back up vessel and for their amusement
>Was bossed around by Gilgamesh while thinking he was the one in charge.
>Tried to flirt with the maids of an enemy to take him to them thinking they'd take him seriously or listen to them
>Sucked up to both Shirou and Rin to propose alliances with them then makes death threats with rejection
>Runs away like a bitch screaming after getting a poke from a spear

There's not much else to him being a cow then that except somehow he's very popular with women in his school (except for the named characters). Only other notable thing there is about him in UBW besides turning into a grail was that after his survival, Nasu (the creator of FSN) implied that Shinji humbles out after UBW to just being a regular haughty teenager.


tl;dr Shinji is basically the DSP of Fate characters.

Since we're on the subject of Fate characters, I'd say Kayneth from Zero. He's supposed to be this well-regarded professor at the academy/university/whatever, but gets his material for summoning Alexander the Great stolen by a 'loser' student so he has to summon an Irishman instead. This said Irishman happens to have a mole on his face that magically turns women on, making his wife want to cuck him. Speaking of his wife, she's the one wearing the pants in the relationship and actually directing their actions throughout the Holy Grail War. Also he gets owned by a guy with minimal magical abilities who just so happened to have anti-mage bullets forged from his ribs, and feels the need to kill a neutral party in the Holy Grail War because he fears any other faction being rewarded with any more command seals.

 

[Notgoodwithusernames]

Has Huey Emmerich been mentioned yet? If not then he definitely qualifies,

Blames everyone around him for things that are his fault

Is incredibly whiny and self centered

Uses his son as a test subject and kills his wife

Gets chucked by his own

Drowns himself out of despair (also attempts to take his stepdaughter with him)

 

[Gordon Cole]

Becky Something from Her Smell

Drugged out of her mind, and kept a scammer spiritual healer on retainer.

Dropped her baby daughter.

Drove her band into the ground.

Can't pull herself together for recording, and blows her entire budget.

Gets sued by 12 people.

Rushes onstage despite being handcuffed and with a broken nose, falls off the stage.

Is basically Courtney Love.

 

[Darwin Watterson]

Ages ago, someone brought up the Phantom of the Opera. I never saw the stage show, but I did see the movie with Gerard Butler when I was a kid. I found out recently that they put it on Netflix, and holy shit I never realized how much of a sperg the Phantom is.

Like other people here have said, he IS genuinely talented, but that doesn’t actually do anything to lessen his being a lolcow. I mean, Dan Harmon is talented but we still consider HIM a cow.

He’s a total Nice Guy, right down to the fact that he talks himself up while putting down his competition (“insolent boy, this slave of fashion,” “ignorant fool, this brave young suitor”). There’s also the fact that his deformity isn’t even that bad in this version. He’d be fine if he just followed a skincare routine or even slapped a bit of makeup over one side of his face. Which reminds me a lot of how these incels are generally okay-looking guys but see themselves as hideously deformed because they lack the self awareness to realize that it’s their personality and not their looks that’s the problem. It's also worth noting that the aforementioned "insolent boy" beats his ass handily in a swordfight about midway through the movie, and literally the only reason he doesn't end up getting killed then and there is 'cause Christine, the girl they're both after, stops it from happening.

There’s even a part where he specifically complains to Christine about not being able to get laid. At the end of "Music of the Night," it's subtly implied that he may have tried to rape her while she was asleep/unconscious. The original cut makes this way more obvious, with him actually getting into bed with her, but they felt that was too rapey, and so it doesn't appear in the final film. However, there's still the fact that he watches her in her dressing room through a two-way mirror, which also acts as a door through which he can get in.

He also refers to the opera house as “his” and expects that the people who do own it pay him a “salary” despite him not actually working there and just being what essentially amounts to a squatter. He gives them instructions on how to cast their shows, too, even though he has no real authority and is literally just a basement dwelling NEET. When the new owners understandably see these demands as ridiculous and entitled bluster, he starts harassing people with letters that range from passive-aggressive to outright threatening.

 

[Darwin Watterson]

Plankton from spongebob

Is the definition of insanity given how he keeps trying different plans with always the same result

A fixation on going to college just like CWC or John Sweet

Lives alone with his sweet heart from the ground up Karen

Not a fan of his family

A excellent example of dunninng kruger effect in action etc

Karen would be more of an anime body pillow, or a realdoll, since I think one episode says that she was specifically designed to be a wife.

Plankton is also an example of a cow that could be wildly successful if they weren't so caught up in stupid bullshit. Plankton is a brilliant scientist, and a lot of his inventions are legitimately impressive and work like they're supposed to for the most part. Yet all he ever uses any of them for is to try and steal a competitor's recipe to use in a fast food restaurant.