حلال Connor Bible - Everyone's Favorite Molly Ringwald loving, adoption hating, aspiring writer and bellybutton fucker

[Johnny Bravo]

A CRITIQUE OF REDESIGNING EVA: CHAPTERS 1 - 3

Chapter 1: The Dream

Word Count: 447

Connor starts off strong with a chapter about Eva's reoccurring dreams.

Ha ha. That was a joke, you see. Starting off with a chapter that is nothing but a dream is trite and bad form. Eva dreams that she's lying on a grassy field in Hollenbeck Park, Los Angeles, her hometown, and experiencing the kind of euphoria usually associated with dropping ecstasy. A butterfly lands on her. This is literally the greatest moment of her entire life. When the butterfly flies away she chases it into the lake and swims after it to the bottom, which is the only surreal thing to happen in her entire dream. This somehow turns her dream into a nightmare.

Connor, I don't know why you bothered. If I picked this up in a bookstore I probably wouldn't get past the first paragraph before putting it back on the shelf and walking away. It's not even so-bad-it's-good. It's just pretentious and dull.

Pro-tip: Your first sentence should grab the reader's attention. It should excite their curiosity, introduce the setting, something. "The dream was always the same" is a boring statement. Also, since all of this was a dream, you've effectively told us nothing about our protagonist and it's already the end of the first chapter.

Chapter 2: Enter Eva

Word Count: 1,063

“Three months,” Holden Elliot replied. “Jesus…” This is a good opening sentence. It invites your reader to ask a question (Three months since what?) and implies that the answer is a source of conflict. Start your story here. My only issue with this line is it doesn't make a lot of sense with what is to come and, looking back, feels stilted.

The exposition at the beginning of this chapter is delivered well. Again, drop chapter 1 entirely. All of this reads so much better if we don't know anything about Eva's dream or how stupid and non-threatening it was.

Eva and her dad, Holden (!?), talk about her dream and the Prometheus corporation, where he works. They're doing some kind of project about 'redesigning' people. I don't think the Prometheus legend has anything to do with redesigning, so if you were trying to be deep you missed the mark. Regardless, Eva is a viable candidate for this project as chosen by... Klaus Krieger?

Pick better names for your characters, Connor.

This was the beginning of another day at Los Angeles High. Another eight hours of fun and adventure, she thought.

There are lots of high schools in Los Angeles. Google one.

Cut the scene where Eva stands in front of the mirror so the omniscient narrator can describe how she looks. It's stupid and amateurish.

It was the City of Angels, but the angels were crying this morning. The tears were falling hard and fast beyond the blinds. Eva had already shed her tears for the day; she wiped them off in the darkness just as Holden had walked into her room.

Every single word and sentence in this paragraph is terrible.

On the way to L.A. High, Eva had noticed several steaming manhole covers. This didn’t really feel like Los Angeles anymore. It was more like Noir Angeles.

This sounds retarded.

Also Eva's dad says something very Holden-esq by telling Eva her cunt stinks as she gets out of the car at her high school.

Chapter 3: Class Without Class

Word Count: 947

“No, you can’t die from depression,” the school nurse grumbled.

The very first sentence in this chapter is wrong. You can very well die from depression; it's called suicide and a high-school nurse would know this! And did you seriously describe the nurse's skin as "ebony"? Is this now a blackspoltation novel?

“What about kids who die from killing themselves? I mean, I wouldn’t kill myself. Not at all, that’d be terrible.” Eva’s voice was like a silenced machine-gun going off, low and quick.

“Look, bitch, you need to get laid,” the nurse blurted suddenly.

THIS NURSE WOULD BE FIRED. OUT OF A CANNON.

“Fuck you, Elliot. Get the fuck outta my crib.” The venomous syringe in the nurse’s hands ejaculated into the air under the flickering fluorescent light.

I hope I'm missing a paragraph or something because this sentence makes as much sense out of context as it does in context.

Eva goes to her first class. The moment she walks in, her teacher, Mrs. Pickens, proudly and openly mocks her student in front of the entire class while the other students laugh and cheer at her humiliation. I wish I was kidding. I would explain why this is a stupid, unrealistic scenario even in a science fiction setting, but I think I already covered that with the nurse.

EXTRA BONUS IRONY: THE CURRENT CLASS TOPIC IS THE CONCEPT OF SCHADENFREUDE. NO, I'M SERIOUS. THAT'S THEIR LESSON PLAN FOR TODAY.

Even one of the kids who seems to sympathize with Eva, a boy named Brian, has the balls to bring up Eva's dead mother as they exit class. Connor, I would genuinely like to help you, but at this point in my reading I'm just not sure that's possible.

I was planning on doing five chapters in my first post on Redesigning Eva but after this I need to take a break. I want you to understand this, Connor. About a year ago I was doing critiques/riffs of Disneyfan01's fanfic in her thread. I would do about two chapters a day, the combined length of which would add to more than double what I've read from you here today. I can honestly say that Disneyfan01 is a better writer than you. She did not break me this fast.

You let that sink in.

 

[Ronald Gaygun]

From chat, just now:

1. https://kiwifarms.net/data/avatars/s/1/1462.jpg?1421198724 A moment ago Connor:
   Seriously, if I had more than two classes, I'd snap from pressure.

 

[The I Scream Man]

From chat, just now:

1. https://kiwifarms.net/data/avatars/s/1/1462.jpg?1421198724 A moment ago Connor:
   Seriously, if I had more than two classes, I'd snap from pressure.

Take 5 and get at me bro. Hard science ones too! Last semester I legit thought I was gonna die from exhaustion.

 

[ASoulMan]

From chat, just now:

1. https://kiwifarms.net/data/avatars/s/1/1462.jpg?1421198724 A moment ago Connor:
   Seriously, if I had more than two classes, I'd snap from pressure.

Funny how he mentions that, because I just added a fourth class to my schedule earlier.

But on a serious note, two classes is such a joke, even if they're both difficult. I know you shouldn't spread yourself thin when it comes to college, but still.

 

[Johnny Bravo]

From chat, just now:

1. https://kiwifarms.net/data/avatars/s/1/1462.jpg?1421198724 A moment ago Connor:
   Seriously, if I had more than two classes, I'd snap from pressure.

I believe him. Chapter 3 of RE made me feel like I was seeing the world through Connor's eyes. Eva is clearly a self-insert and the way she was treated speaks volumes about Connor's victim complex. I doubt he can go outside without believing someone somewhere is victimizing him.

 

[harvey dirdban]

I don't think the Prometheus legend has anything to do with redesigning, so if you were trying to be deep you missed the mark.

I'm assuming it's Prometheus by way of Mary Shelley's Frankenstein ("The Modern Prometheus") and therefore a reference to "playing god". Still pretty heavy-handed.

 

[Pikonic]

1. https://kiwifarms.net/data/avatars/s/1/1462.jpg?1421198724 A moment agoConnor:
   I don't even know how to write a resume.
2. https://kiwifarms.net/data/avatars/s/2/2074.jpg?1411619164 A moment agoCoster:
   @ @Connor, learn

There are lots of high schools in Los Angeles. Google one.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Los_Angeles_High_School

Gonna have to give Connor a point here, blind squirrel found a nut.

 

[Johnny Bravo]

I'm assuming it's Prometheus by way of Mary Shelley's Frankenstein ("The Modern Prometheus") and therefore a reference to "playing god". Still pretty heavy-handed.

This is what I was thinking, too, but the metaphor gets lost in translation. If I remember right Prometheus in this story refers to Frankenstein giving immortality ("fire") to man and being punished for it by his own creation. That doesn't make any sense in the context of Eva.

 

[Coster]

I believe him. Chapter 3 of RE made me feel like I was seeing the world through Connor's eyes. Eva is clearly a self-insert and the way she was treated speaks volumes about Connor's victim complex. I doubt he can go outside without believing someone somewhere is victimizing him.

You could change every instance of Eva into Connor and change the pronouns accordingly and the story would be the same thing.

 

[Xarpho]

Redesigning Eva could work if it got some heavy editing (like whole chapters need to be removed, there was one with one of the male characters jacking off thinking of Eva...that's gross and far removed from the setting), more characterization, and trying to keep it in one genre.

It's a total mess and would probably work better as some sort of goofball parody, although that would also need extensive work.

 

[Watcher]

You could change every instance of Eva into Connor and change the pronouns accordingly and the story would be the same thing.

CLASS WITHOUT CLASS
“No, you can’t die from depression,” the school nurse grumbled.
With his bifocals on, Connor could see the world with clarity, in more ways than one. Looking straight at the middle-aged nurse with ebony skin and tired looks, he held no doubt that she didn’t care in the slightest.
“What about kids who die from killing themselves? I mean, I wouldn’t kill myself. Not at all, that’d be terrible.” Connor’s voice was like a silenced machine-gun going off, low and quick.
“Look, bitch, you need to get laid,” the nurse blurted suddenly.
“What?” Connor responded, obviously stunned by the nurse’s attitude.
“You heard me, bitch. Get some dick, eat a girl out… you know what else?” The nurse moved her swivel chair towards a cabinet, opening it. “Smack or crack?”
Connor didn’t respond.
“Fuck you, Bible. Get the fuck outta my crib.” The venomous syringe in the nurse’s hands ejaculated into the air under the flickering fluorescent light.
Without a word, Connor stepped into back into the main office of Los Angeles Central High. Sometimes, it was an appropriate response to school life to get away from it all. He came for advice, and instead ran into the same ugliness that he had seemingly escaped from. A vicious cycle.
THE MEEK SHALL NOT INHERIT was scribbled on the wall in blood-red aerosol, in addition to other cheerful phrases. This was the reality of an inner city school, and Connor was sickened by it. He had heard that the barrioswere much worse. He was uncertain of that. He had seen his fair share of sleaze in between class periods.
Connor returned to the class that he had to step out of, which was Ms. Pickens’s. As soon as he stepped into the door, he was greeted by a thin-looking woman with blonde hair and a shark smile. That was Ms. Christine Pickens.
“Ladies and gentlemen, our very own basket case has decided to come back.” Pickens’s voice was disgustingly self-assured, almost mocking. Connor resented that, but said nothing about it. He couldn’t do anything about the laughter of the students either.
“Hello again,” Connor replied. “I had to step out. I was having a bit of a headache.” He didn’t.
“Why don’t you have a seat, Mr. Bible?” Pickens outstretched her hand and pointed towards an empty seat towards the end of the class. Pickens, from Connor’s knowledge and experience, had a habit of placing her least favorite students in front of the wall. Without a word, Connor walked and sat himself down into his desk.
“So, students, where were we?” Pickens asked.
Another student raised his hand. “Mr. Hicks,” Pickens replied.
“I believe we were discussing the concept of schadenfreude, Ms. Pickens.” Brian Hicks peered out of the corner of his eye towards Connor as he said this. He was seated a couple of rows ahead, to the right. Connor gulped, and scratched his shoulder with his cheek. His eyes were transfixed on the back of Brian’s head. It was slick and chocolate in color, and he gave his nape a scratch as Pickens returned to her lecture.
“To recap what we’ve covered in Connor’s absence, schadenfreude can be described as the joy at the suffering of others--”
Connor couldn’t believe it. Joy. From the moment he walked in here on the first day of senior year two months before, Connor felt as if he was a sitting duck, a walking bulls-eye for Pickens. In fact, I’m a target for a lot of people, he thought. Every day I come here, every day I walk down the hallways or even when I go to the bathroom, I’m moving on tip-toes. For every reason, for no reason, I’m a target. Maybe I deserve to be one. Maybe I’ve always deserved to be a target for other people because I didn’t do jackshit when my mom died in the water and this blonde bitch is getting on my fucking nerves
Time seemed to dilate, slow down. Connor could almost hear the voice of his mind echo through his ears I can’t get her complaining and moaning out of my ears I can’t get him out of my sight out of my sight and the laughter is still going on like a broken record
Suddenly, the bell indicating it was time for lunch rang.
The students began packing up and making their way towards the cafeteria. All of them, except Connor Bible. Brian stopped for a moment at the doorway, looking at him before stepping out.
He looked at me. He really fucking looked at me.
At that moment, it was just Pickens and Connor. Connor was still seated. Pickens walked slowly over to his desk.
“Why can’t you be more like your father?” Pickens asked. “Don’t answer that. Let it sink in.”
For Connor, it would sink in, alright. It would sink right down in the abyss that is me.
“Goodbye, Mrs. Pickens,” Connor said as he rose from his desk.
“Why are you even in my class? Answer me that, Bible,” Pickens said.
“I thought I could help myself out by coming here,” Connor said back.
“Help yourself,” Pickens chuckled. “Shit, I figured.”
“Do you have a problem?” Connor asked.
“I have plenty,” Pickens said. “Your appearance, your performance, your intellect, everything… you’re not like him.”
“He’s gone now.”
“That I know, very well. And with him any shot at contributing anything good to the world.”
“You know he killed himself, right?” Connor asked. He was choking up on the exterior, but burning inside.
“Don’t take me for an idiot, Bible. I don’t play your games.”
Without a word, Connor walked out of the classroom with his bag.

I did a little formatting like replace the "shes" and "hers" as well as replacing Connor's mother with father to make it more natural. I'm also in the process of bolding all the dialogue so it's easier to skim through

 

[Lurker]

Redesigning Eva could work if it got some heavy editing (like whole chapters need to be removed, there was one with one of the male characters jacking off thinking of Eva...that's gross and far removed from the setting), more characterization, and trying to keep it in one genre.

It's a total mess and would probably work better as some sort of goofball parody, although that would also need extensive work.

Redesigning Eva could work if it were written by someone else.

 

[Ronald Gaygun]

Redesigning Eva could work if it got some heavy editing (like whole chapters need to be removed, there was one with one of the male characters jacking off thinking of Eva...that's gross and far removed from the setting), more characterization, and trying to keep it in one genre.

It's a total mess and would probably work better as some sort of goofball parody, although that would also need extensive work.

You could say Redesigning Eva could work if it was... redesigned

 

[BriarHeart]

You could say Redesigning Eva could work if it was... redesigned

 

[Watcher]

1. https://kiwifarms.net/data/avatars/s/1/1462.jpg?1421198724 A moment agoConnor:
   So, you're expecting me to, in the space of a single year, find as shitty job, publish a novel which won't sell enough to earn me some moolah/get halfway decent reviews, etc.
2. https://kiwifarms.net/data/avatars/s/0/465.jpg?1421218973 A moment agoCuddlebug:
   @ @Connor, yes

 

[Locksnap]

"The car came to a stop at the main parking lot of the school. Beyond the windshield, Connor could vaguely see students running into the building to escape the rain. “I don’t have to go… Do I, Dad?” he asked.
“‘Afraid so, rape-ape.” Holden’s Croatian accent was really showing.
“I figured I didn’t have a choice,” Connor said. Almost immediately, he got out of the car, hood over his head. He stood on the sidewalk with his backpack slung over one arm, and he was holding the door open, looking at his father with slanted eyes.
“By the way, the inside of this piece of shit stinks of your crotch. Do a better job at hiding it.” Connor slammed the door, turned around, and never looked back."

 

[Golly]

From chat, just now:

1. https://kiwifarms.net/data/avatars/s/1/1462.jpg?1421198724 A moment ago Connor:
   Seriously, if I had more than two classes, I'd snap from pressure.

Jesus. I don't want to make this a "Look how many classes I can take" competition, but music performance majors have to take around 10 classes a semester. Granted, most of these were 1 hour, 2 at the most, but I'd say most daylight hours were dedicated to classtime. For the record, to get past the "no more than 18 credits a semseter without incurring additional fees" rule we had, the registrar ended up having to make most courses equal around 1 credit each. There were even a couple 0 credit classes. Finding a 3 credit class was like spotting a unicorn.

 

[Coster]

Some highlights.

1. 8 minutes ago - Connor:
   @ @FramerGirl420, selfish people prosper

1. 8 minutes ago - Connor:
   @ @A-№1, is productivity not selfish?

I logged some of today's chat with Connor, not all though.

 

[Arkangel]

The Tldr version of Connor in chat today.

"If you guys insist, I'll write that resume."

"I just remembered that if I do this that my parents will get mad at me."

"Why should I get a job in the first place?? The world is shitty!"

 

[Strelok]

I logged some of today's chat with Connor, not all though.

And here's everything after that till Katsu ended it.