Well, jeez. This is a pretty horrifying look in to Wu's psyche.
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THEY'LL PAY. THEY'LL ALL PAY WHEN I'M POWERFUL! Perhaps another couple of decades of that therapy you talked about are in order.
I guess the leaving Johnny boy at camp is /r/thathappened, but it's a pretty funny image never the less.
This desperately needs the "Mis'sippi John" treatment. I demand a Kiwi Farms campfire story!
Now I'm hearing alot of people recently talking about Ol' Miss'ippi John and how despite not having won an election yet, he's already one of most accomplished women as far as the You-knighted States Congr'is is concerned - Why, despite losing his first election due to underhanded Democrat trickery, Miss'ippi was able to accomplish just as much in two weeks as that new congress woman from New York he most looked up to was able ta'complish in her first year. But I'm feeling that in all this admiration fer Miss'ippi John's well-run and effective campaign that's really speaking to the needs of voters in the district, people are gonna only be knowing him for that, and forget to also tell the stories about how great Ol' John was at everything he ever tried. Why, I bet there people here in this very thread that ain't never heard from nobody the story of how Miss'ippi John got his NASA field commendation to 3-star shuttle commander. Well, that's a crimein' shame that I can't a-cotton to, so pull up a stool by the ol' fire here and I'll tell you of how Miss'ippi John went to Space Camp and saved the world.
Now, as you might recall, John was being raised twice - once a poor black girl, and once again by a family of successful business owners who were so successful they couldn't afford always food, clothes, or 'lektricity; no sir, they could barely afford anything, and John had to get by with only a computer, 90's internet, programming classes, and space camp tuition- just the bare essentials.
It shouldn't be a surprise to none of the readers here that John was selected as Shuttle Commander for his space camp - there was one girl who just took one look at Miss'ippi John and knew he'd be a better female shuttle commander than she could hope to be, and one boy tried to fight , but John launched into one of his fillibusters, and weren't over a minute for that poor boy realized what he'd stepped into and was hootin' and hollerin' uncle. Poor boy got fillibustered so bad, he hadda be sent home, and still walks with a limp in one ear to this day.
And now it shouldn't also not be a surprise that Ol' John lead his crew so they were the best crew of not just the season but of all time, and when it don came time for to get their acommendation, Ol' John made sure to let the other kids be the ones holding it in the picture, since John knew there'd be plenty more pictures of him winning trophies and elections, and winning that space camp award would probably be the highlight in those other kids sad little lives.
But well see, it turns out John's family hadn't done too much lookin' into what space camp was all about, till they was talkin' bout it at church, and the pastor told them what space camp was all about. Well, like most folks in Miss'ippi, John's family was racists against Martians & Moonmen, and refutated to be a part of any ceremonies involved in space camp. Why, they tried to pull John outta space camp once they'd found out, but Ol' John was just such a natural born shuttle commander they simply refused to let his parents take him out early.
Well, turns out in between running a successful business and not having enough money for car repairs, John's family just plain forgot to pick him up. Which was a very fir-too-wid-us event fer ever red-blooded American and indeed any member of human'ty, for while John was sitting in the adult astronaut barracks, waiting for his parents to come pick him up and dispensing shuttle commanding tips to the very attentive astronauts gathered there, there was a Russian satellite that malfunctioned and threatened to cause WWIII.
Well turns out all the qualified shuttle commanders were sick with food poisoning, but then someone remembered they had a natural born shuttle commander just sitting in the barracks. So they rushed the vice president down to space camp, and gave him a feild promotion to three-star shuttle commander first class, and put John on the shuttle to go disarm the satellite. Well, turns out those ruskis had made their warheads so they couldn't be disarmed, and John knew there only one thing left to. He used his nat'ral born hacking skills to retarget the missles, and flew them to the lunar surface. With no way to get back, and only a few hours worth of oxygen, Miss'ippi John died a hero on the moon.
Later when he was back at NASA HQ, John was told that of course the whole incident had to be kept top secret, so he could never tell a soul about how he'd heroically died on the moon. But what was worse was that his heroic death on the moon had given him a near terminal case of cosmic space radiation, and if he were ever to leave the earth's atmosphere, he'd immediately die of supercancer. Ol' John's astronaut career was over as soon as it began, which sat just fine with his parents who didn't want him misseginatin' with no Moon Men.
Now, I'd tell you about how before dying heroically on the moon, John took out a Chinese moon-rock launcher...but that's story for another time, and it's past the yunngin's bed time.
John doesn't deserve a thinly veiled Spacecamp retelling, Space Cowboys is all he rates.
