Lolcow Timothy "TJ" Church / Cowlick - Failed Literotica Writer &/or Null's Best Friend

[Loke]

????????? You can't just drop that outta nowhere and then not explain.

It was an actual, published Choose Your own Adventure book, I have no idea what it was called, ha ha. I recall loving it. It was back when I first discovered Poe.
Edit: Yeah, sorry, forgot where I was for a moment. The Animorphs one and pope thing were actual books I read as a kid. Sorry folks

 

[deductionotaku]

It was an actual, published Choose Your own Adventure book, I have no idea what it was called, ha ha. I recall loving it. It was back when I first discovered Poe.

I think you're going for Captive! If so, it wasn't the pope, but one of his friends.

Not the best model of a CYOA, but then I started with Curse of the Creeping Coffin and haven't read Captive! in years, so I may be biased in that opinion.

EDIT

Back on-topic, our newest edit from TJ Church:

Marley

He's lucky because he continues to get opportunities to properly react to this thread and its author.

Will he take this one?

One note: B.... Not B-Flat or B-Sharp. Simply BE.... Nice & Honest, & you will get my original thread back so you can rightfully approve it, after which I will continue submitting quality work as I did on this story before when my first thread had been rightfully approved, & you can watch your story's ratings skyrocket above the negative numbers it would get with your low-quality "work".

Discuss.

 

[Meowthkip]

TJ is limited to actual pornstars, who are real people. This guy wins because of THIS:
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10875860/1/Batmans-Birthday-Party
I implore you, my fellow kiwis, read that link, and learn why a bat-shaped dick is perfect for threesomes. Omfg. See, TJ's awfulness lies in his competance. Sure, he throws puncuation around like he's a monkey in a Taco Bell booth, but he can spell. Furthermore, he isn't creative enough to write the following sentences: "Somebody arrest that man!" screams Harry Potter and Natuto, the two guys that wanted to be men. Robocop arrives with a pair of handcuff:
"No! You are not going to arrest my man-troll!" Shrieks Wonder Woemn for Shrek. "He impregnated me with his green semen! Who will take care of my still unborn childs?!"
"NOOOOOOOOO!"
Everyone hears thescream coming from batman's bedroom. He is furious.
"Womner Womar, you cuckolded me, you fucking bitch" sloobered from his mouth the capped crusader. (Sic)
EDIT:Tj's dross and drivel don't even come close to the autistic majesty that is this mess, but his work is still funnier because he understands things such as tense and setting and so on, but chooses to write such utter shit. Congratulations, @Cowlick , you are the low character the brutish fools in Valhall throw their chicken bones at!

ComicsNix is the best and I love it.

His work is so entertaining.

 

[TM Ambrose]

I decided to do a remake of Stepson's Revenge. I hope everyone enjoys it.

Spoiler: Chapter 1: BILLIES ARMS AREN'T BLUE

Lisa Ann David stress sighed as she turned into her driveway and saw her autistic stepsons car parked there. This draws her eye to the car.


“Damn it” she sighed to herself as she pulled in behind her sons car, accidentally hitting the bumper of it as she does. “He better not be trying to collect welfare again.” She looks at the car in shock.


The 37 year old brunette (currently dyed blonde because fuck it) shook her head in shock that her stepson, Billy, was being a lazy sack of shit that she’s known him to be in the past.


19 year old Billy Davis had been given his pity degree last year, & claimed that he had decided to “hold off” college even though nowhere would accept him & that he was happy just collecting his monthly tug boat. The YOUNG MAN had been a problem child, one that was somehow immune to rat poison. The problem had only gotten worse when his father, Norman, married Anne two years ago.


During the past several years Billy had developed an arrogant attitude much like the writer had & if he had had friends he would have probably lost them. While only standing at 5’10, the 250 lb high school football manager and wrestling manager had become very apathetic & lazy recently.


Norman &/or Lisa figured that the boy was having a difficult time dealing with his mother’s death &/or never getting pussy.


They were both disappointed because their son had shown no interest in ever moving out of their house, & even though he was almost 20 he couldn’t even brush his teeth properly causing them to be a yellowish color. Lisa had the bright idea of helping him fill out applications, but when the name ended up on the paper he demanded that it immediately be removed and all traces of him on any paper be permanently deleted. When he couldn’t get his mom to get rid of the applications he would simply go on to his & and then his friends at school. When applying he would tell the person that the interview was pointless &/or that he was way smarter than the potential employer & that the application will be destroyed anyways so it was pointless.


Lisa shut off her car as she looked at Billy’s car parked in front of her.

1]The author includes this to remind the audience that she is looking at the same car that she was looking at in the first sentence & the second sentence because fuck you.

2] He’s smarter than all of you & if you complain about it you’re a moron.

3] Everyone reading this is a moron & the writer would like to demand that all post about him be deleted now.


“Just wait until Norm hears about this.” She told herself as she opened the door, eyes never leaving the car in the parking space in front of her car, somehow surprised that their delinquent son happened to be a delinquent.


Lisa Ann liked to think that she was a MILF. Thanks to all the plastic surgery she had over the years to “improve herself confidence” along with the tanning sessions she had every day she had assembled a self-image of what she thought made her look like a Barbie doll. In fact she was an anorexic skilitin with obvious implants & tons of plastic surgery. Most people believed she was in a Halloween costume or dying of cancer due to how skinny she was. She wore black rimmed bifocals that have been described as “Pedo-glasses”, but she described them as professional. Her incredibly fake body drew attention wherever she went & her regular tanning sessions made sure her skin maintained the texture & color of a trusty leather jacket.


For the past seven years she had been doing what every woman in their 30’s does if nothing is working, real estate. She wanted people to judge her for her brains not her body, that way they may take pity on her. Of course due to her overly positive self-image she’d always dress as skimpily as possible, commonly making people think that she was a prostitute, eventually causing them to vomit in the house she was attempting to sell them & charging them for cleaning (turning a profit in the end).


68 year old Norman Davis was deeply sadden by his wife’s death and had found new life when he met Lisa a year later, the wrinkles caused by constant tanning making him mistake her for someone of his age. They dated for less than a year before Norman realized he didn’t have to pay her after every time they rubbed against each other & eventually they got married because plot convenience.


Lisa & Norm had talked about having children but due to Norm still waiting on Lisa to fix his “biological clock” they decided that having another child was probably not the best idea, especially after the last one has proven to be a hopeless case. The author now makes an attempt at making not using a condom & being fertile sound sexy. It’s fucking gay & unrealistic like Obeme.


Lisa attempted to slam the car door shut but because of how “hot” she almost broker her arm. Today she was wearing what she called business casual, but what most people would call a mini-skirt and dress shirt tied in a knot. Underneath this she wore fish nets because why not & 4 inch heels because she had surgery to make her feet never move like a Barbie doll. She had on her classic black rimmed bifocals. With them she could clearly see her son’s car parked in front of hers.


As she walked up the drive way she couldn’t help but think about how sexy her body was, envisioning herself as a literal Barbie doll. In reality she looked like Gollum in lingerie as she made her way into her trailer.

“Billy?!?!?!?!?!!?!!!!!!!” She called out, now unable to see his car, even with her black rimmed bifocals, & presuming he most have disappeared.


Nobody answered, that or the giant hoard of junk that Norm had collected was acting as a muffler, though Lisa wouldn’t have thought of this. She continued on her way through a labyrinth of pizza boxes, only slipping on cat defecation twice.


“Billy?!?!?!?!?!!?!!!!!!!” she called again as she saw, trying to confirm it was him because sometimes she confused him with a slab of pork.


“YEUUUNNN” the monster that was Billy replied from the couch.


Billy was watching My Little Pony, a show that he assured his disappointed parents had a giant following by grown men on the internet and totally was for adults & he was being edgy as fuck by underage drinking & had his meth spoon ready beside him. Like most hopeless man-children he hadn’t shaved in weeks, his blond hair appeared brown from the filth that coated him & he had somehow blown all his tug boat money on beer.


“What are you doing here?” Lisa snapped, “Why aren’t you out selling your body like me?”


Billy looked over at the leather monstrosity talking to him. He hated &/or was afraid of the monstrosity that was always screeching at him in phrases he didn’t understand. He knew he had a superior intelligence & aimed to best this beast.


“I DEMAND YOU NOT MENTION ME, THERE IS NO REASON TO MENTION ME &/OR DISCUSS ME AT ALL AND I DEMAND YOU GET RID OF ANYTHING PERTAINING TO ME NOW.” Billy felt proud of himself and his expert negotiation skills.

Author's Note: REMOVE ALL POST ABOUT ME NOW

Quick note: I wrote this at about midnight and didn't really do much proof reading. Hopefully it's good for a laugh.

 

[deductionotaku]

First things first, since everyone seems to have missed my edit, The Bully is not a TJ Church handle. The volume of narration should be a dead give away, not to mention the username predates the 2010 ban wagon (the incident that caused the multitude of usernames) and that these additions from last decade lack ampersands and numerals. For example, this one hasn't been touched since 2009 and lacks ampersands. Plus the way The Bully structures his lists are different. TJ Church lacks the intelligence to pull off a ruse with that much forethought, as evidenced by his poor attempts both here and on LitErotica.

Little aside - The included material may seem to be missing a few pronouns and names. This is because you didn't access the thread from the cover page and went directly to the thread; the CHYOO programming does not submit default names in this case since the defaults are initiated from the cover page. To read the thread as it was truly written, follow this link first, click Begin "In space no one can hear you breed," and then access the above thread.

Genuine TJ Church threads can be found at these links:

TJChurch on CHYOO.
r0manh0liday on CHYOA.

Second, the latest edit to that same thread:

Whatever editor approves this.

I'll just type every time you deny it.

I gave you a GREAT thread, & you denied it... Not due to quality, but where I wrote it. I'd write it the other place if I could. Otherwise, you must approve it here.

R U really that stupid?!

One note: B.... Not B-Flat or B-Sharp. Simply BE.... Nice & Honest, & you will get my original thread back so you can rightfully approve it, after which I will continue submitting quality work as I did on this story before when my first thread had been rightfully approved, & you can watch your story's ratings skyrocket above the negative numbers it would get with your low-quality "work".

Discuss.

 

[TM Ambrose]

First things first, since everyone seems to have missed my edit, The Bully is not a TJ Church handle. The volume of narration should be a dead give away, not to mention the username predates the 2010 ban wagon (the incident that caused the multitude of usernames) and that these additions from last decade lack ampersands and numerals. For example, this one hasn't been touched since 2009 and lacks ampersands. Plus the way The Bully structures his lists are different. TJ Church lacks the intelligence to pull off a ruse with that much forethought, as evidenced by his poor attempts both here and on LitErotica.
.

Awww that means my parody is of someone else's terrible writing. I'll have to write a new one tomorrow.

 

[HipstrsGonnaHip]

@Cowlick, we're giving you a great thread here, but you're denying us your presence. I think you can emphasize with us after your recent experiences.

 

[Kitlen]

True fucking story, I once went on a date with a dude and casually admitted I liked bad fanfiction and he read me "Love and Circuits" from ComicNix. Aloud. In a restaurant. A fast food restaurant that he thought was an acceptable place to take me. I noped the fuck out of there and avoided him for the rest of the semester.

As not to be off topic and shit post, dear Teej alerted me that he has an Angelfire page.
Our dear Teej fancies himself a 'wildman.'
http://www.angelfire.com/oh4/Wildmanspage/

Enjoy!

 

[TM Ambrose]

I love how he thinks him running for president is still a possibility.

 

[Ti-99/4A]

@Kitlen

The blue background nearly blinded me!

 

[Kitlen]

I love how he thinks him running for president is still a possibility.

My favorite part is that he parted this information of his own will, not considering once that I simply had not found that page.

Also, show of hands, who is up for cataloguing the shenanigans of our dear Teej on LolcowWiki? I think many of us have seen enough and need to finally catalogue all this.

 

[TM Ambrose]

My favorite part is that he parted this information of his own will, not considering once that I simply had not found that page.

Also, show of hands, who is up for cataloguing the shenanigans of our dear Teej on LolcowWiki? I think many of us have seen enough and need to finally catalogue all this.

I believe he already has an article in the works.

 

[Meowthkip]

True fucking story, I once went on a date with a dude and casually admitted I liked bad fanfiction and he read me "Love and Circuits" from ComicNix. Aloud. In a restaurant. A fast food restaurant that he thought was an acceptable place to take me. I noped the fuck out of there and avoided him for the rest of the semester.

As not to be off topic and shit post, dear Teej alerted me that he has an Angelfire page.
Our dear Teej fancies himself a 'wildman.'
http://www.angelfire.com/oh4/Wildmanspage/

Enjoy!

I love that story but holy shit, why would you read that aloud in fucking public?

 

[RequiredName]

I love that story but holy shit, why would you read that aloud in fucking public?

At least Christian Weston Chandler drew his Sonichu porn on the secret private domain that is the internet.

 

[Kitlen]

I love that story but holy shit, why would you read that aloud in fucking public?

At least Christian Weston Chandler drew his Sonichu porn on the secret private domain that is the internet.

@Meowthkip
Basically because he was a massive nerd and thought somehow that socially inappropriate nerdy stuff would somehow win my affections? I honestly give off huge nerd vibes and I am extremely quiet, so I guess I was good pickings.

Once again, as not to be off topic and shit post, I was wondering where one could contribute to the entry of the Teej, I think I might have some stuff to contribute.

 

[MrsFrizzle]

I love how he thinks him running for president is still a possibility.

"shambling for President"? "tottering for President"?

It is like the Underpants Gnomes plan, though.

1. Write brilliant guest column for tiny local paper on funding for small performance venue.

2. .????

3. Be swept into public office by popular acclaim.

Except that the ???? has been going for, like, 10 years now and seems mostly to consist of Internet aggro and poking slowly at writing a musical.

 

[Sigyn]

Porn Prez. Teej in the HOUSE! He could write erotica about his CIA bodyguards for the NSA.

 

[Ti-99/4A]

He'll never be as good of a porn prez as Dwane alezandro herbert mtn dew camacho though.

 

[Cowlick]

@Cowlick, we're giving you a great thread here, but you're denying us your presence. I think you can emphasize with us after your recent experiences.

"Emphasize" what?! How stupid you all are?!

Also, I only stopped typing in this thread b/c I was told it would disappear if I did so. Later, I was told that was not true, so I can come back.

Lastly, I was not the first to give the group this info, as it was already linked-to on my Wiki page. (The "Wildman" name was for something I was involved in only during my final year of high school, & was not self-given.)

 

[Sigyn]

He'll never be as good of a porn prez as Dwane alezandro herbert mtn dew camacho though.

Just googled this and WHAT THE FUCK