حلال Connor Bible - Everyone's Favorite Molly Ringwald loving, adoption hating, aspiring writer and bellybutton fucker

[Alex Krycek]

Hey Connor, I once knew a girl who was adopted from Cambodia who's parents literally left her for dead in the Cambodian countryside, with a note admitting as much. She was adopted by an older Mormon couple who already had a bunch of kids but they were all older and much to old to conceive any new ones. Today she's studying physics and thanks God that she was adopted instead of being lost to the wilderness. Her adoptive parents are fucking horrible people who could never love her though, right?

 

[Ti-99/4A]

Since the birth of this thread I've completely cleaned and reorganized my apartment, made quite a few lolcow photoshops (3 for this thread alone), watched lots of military and NASA documentaries for research, gathered materials and instructions for various near term projects and made a Lego model. I still need to retype my resume, but I only found the printed copy the other day.

 

[MrsFrizzle]

I too am really curious about how the Dark Ages were more advanced than the Renaissance. Tell us more, Connor.

The "Dark Ages" mythologizing is mostly 19th century historians being melodramatic. Sure, the withdrawal of the Roman outposts from today's Great Britain and most of Europe was a huge setback in terms of public infrastructure, travel, information transmission, and technology. And the numerous petty wars didn't help matters, nor did the cycle of cold summers (thus bad harvests) that preceded the Medieval Warm Period, nor the Little Ice Age that followed.

But the "everything was terrible, nobody could read, everyone died at age 23, nobody bathed, they thought the earth was flat" stuff doesn't hold up. The people who coined and popularized the "Dark Ages" moniker were drawing too heavily on writers like Petrarch and some others in the later Middle Ages who were drawing on an old literary trope of "everything was better in the past" and exaggerating to make their point.

That said, Connor certainly doesn't know any of this, and even the most "We don't say 'Dark Ages' in this class!" profs I had in grad school would admit that social and technological advancement in the Renaissance was broader and moved faster than at any time in the Medieval period.

 

[Alex Krycek]

The "Dark Ages" mythologizing is mostly 19th century historians being melodramatic. Sure, the withdrawal of the Roman outposts from today's Great Britain and most of Europe was a huge setback in terms of public infrastructure, travel, information transmission, and technology. And the numerous petty wars didn't help matters, nor did the cycle of cold summers (thus bad harvests) that preceded the Medieval Warm Period, nor the Little Ice Age that followed.

But the "everything was terrible, nobody could read, everyone died at age 23, nobody bathed, they thought the earth was flat" stuff doesn't hold up. The people who coined and popularized the "Dark Ages" moniker were drawing too heavily on writers like Petrarch and some others in the later Middle Ages who were drawing on an old literary trope of "everything was better in the past" and exaggerating to make their point.

That said, Connor certainly doesn't know any of this, and even the most "We don't say 'Dark Ages' in this class!" profs I had in grad school would admit that social and technological advancement in the Renaissance was broader and moved faster than at any time in the Medieval period.

Not to mention that in the ERE/Byzantium things actually got better in certain places during certain periods when wars with the Persians, Avars, Bulgars or Arabs weren't plaguing the Empire. Rate that Off-Topic I guess, but Justinian's building works and the architectural programs of the Isaurian dynasty really do say a lot of the supposed Dark Ages for Greece and Anatolia at least.

EDIT: Forgot to mention, many Byzantine Emperors were... adopted

 

[Hat]

I think Connor also deserves an article on the lolcow wiki. There is a whole lot of info gathered on him now.

Why not just make him an Encyclopædia Dramatica page?

EDIT: I appear to have unwittingly violated some unspoken taboo.

 

[lolwut]

Why not just make him an Encyclopædia Dramatica page?

Why throw this one to the wolves when we can keep him for ourselves? Besides, he makes us look bad.

 

[MysticMisty]

(fun fact: Connor fucking HATES Disney movies)

Yeah, I remember that from the stalking posts. There's no doubt that Connor doesn't enjoy a movie these days if there isn't a minimum amount of violence and/or dark themes to it. Which is sad that he's narrowing his tastes so much, but he doesn't completely get any movie or book anyways. Any deeper meaning is lost after "iIt has blood, and violence, and was deliciously dark and cynical."

 

[Ti-99/4A]

Yeah, I remember that from the stalking posts. There's no doubt that Connor doesn't enjoy a movie these days if there isn't a minimum amount of violence and/or dark themes to it. Which is sad that he's narrowing his tastes so much, but he doesn't completely get any movie or book anyways. Any deeper meaning is lost after "iIt has blood, and violence, and was deliciously dark and cynical."

Which is funny when he gets criticized on RE, one of his goto comebacks is "What, not enough blood and guts action for ya?"

 

[Locksnap]

This is bigger than I expected so I'll spoiler it.

Spoiler

A pro-life adopted inner city teacher and black woman was teaching a class on the Schadenfreude, known concept. ”Before the class begins, you must get on your knees and worship Schadenfreude and accept that it is the most contrived addition to this story ever known, even more so than setting it in Los Angeles for the sake of a single joke!”

At this moment, an angsty, existentialist Molly Ringwald expy who had over 300 confirmed counts of the word 'bifocals' in her story and understood the necessity of the city raining all the time and fully supported all crotchrot stench emanating from her author stood up and held up an apple.

”Whats this, you gutless motherfucker?”

The arrogant teacher smirked quite blackly and smugly replied “Its an apple with a bite in it, you stanky ho.”

”Wrong. It’s been 5 minutes since I bit this plot device apple. If it was just an apple, as you say,… then I shouldn't be vomiting blood and seeing my dead mother right now.”

The teacher was visibly shaken, and dropped her copy of 'Making friends and influencing people'. She stormed out of the room crying those papist crocodile tears, the same tears the pro-lifers cry for the “adopted children” (who today live in such abusive homes that most are better off being dead, I totally swear dude!!!) when they try to justify how adoption is entirely reasonable. There is no doubt that at this point our teacher, Shaanequa Ayanami, wished she had pulled herself up by her bifocals and become more than a foil for the main character. She wished so much that she had any kind of autonomy so she could masturbate to death like the other teacher from shame, but she herself was fated to die at the protagonists hands in a later chapter!

The students applauded and all joined the Wrong Planet forums that day and accepted tvtropes as their new spergy language. A fat whiny faggot named “Connor” waddled into the room and perched atop the Autism Speaks flag and jerked off to bellybuttons. Redesigning Eva was read several times, and Molly Ringwald herself showed up to end Connors lovequest.

 

[Watcher]

1. https://static.kiwifarms.net/data/avatars/s/0/17.jpg?1416407615 A moment agoRio:
   Connor Bible dabes writer. A Song of Ice and Fire would be so much better if George RR Martin didn't describe characters, but instead assigned modern actors to them and had them masturbate a lot
2. https://static.kiwifarms.net/data/avatars/s/5/5147.jpg?1423568312 A moment agopress1forjews:
   @ @Rio, that'd get me to read it.
3. https://static.kiwifarms.net/data/avatars/s/0/17.jpg?1416407615 1 minute agoRio:
   and Do Androids Dream of Electronic Sheep was really missing a part where Rick Deckard finds a fucking gorilla that talks like a black guy in the basement of the rosen corporation
4. https://static.kiwifarms.net/data/avatars/s/0/17.jpg?1416407615 A moment agoRio:
   not to mention how much Catch 22 would have been improved if there was an ebonics-spouting military medic who told Snowden that he just needed to get some dick when he got shot
5. https://static.kiwifarms.net/data/avatars/s/0/17.jpg?1416407615 A moment agoRio:
   there should be a 'what if connor wrote it' thread

 

[John Titor]

And the arrogant morons think that they are the most intelligent species! Because they've made a bunch of unnecessary ideologies and widgets and gadgets, gadgets that poison the Earth with toxic metals, gadgets that save them so much work that they end up out of shape due to inactivity and obese due to their ready-made meals, gadgets meant to save them time, which the rich and powerful then exploit by expecting more time spent working, slaving away to make yet more gadgets. And your convoluted ideologies are nothing but cover-ups and shallow justifications for your base emotions and the revolting actions you take in service of them.

He should save the Earth by getting rid of his computer.

 

[Silver]

1. https://static.kiwifarms.net/data/avatars/s/0/17.jpg?1416407615 A moment agoRio:
   not to mention how much Catch 22 would have been improved if there was an ebonics-spouting military medic who told Snowden that he just needed to get some dick when he got shot

Catch-22 is my favorite novel of all time and I'm pretty sure a scene like this would make me love it even more. (As long as it was made clear that scene wasn't written by Heller, that is...)

 

[Sonic Hoo]

1. https://static.kiwifarms.net/data/avatars/s/0/17.jpg?1416407615 A moment agoRio:
   Connor Bible dabes writer. A Song of Ice and Fire would be so much better if George RR Martin didn't describe characters, but instead assigned modern actors to them and had them masturbate a lot
2. https://static.kiwifarms.net/data/avatars/s/5/5147.jpg?1423568312 A moment agopress1forjews:
   @ @Rio, that'd get me to read it.
3. https://static.kiwifarms.net/data/avatars/s/0/17.jpg?1416407615 1 minute agoRio:
   and Do Androids Dream of Electronic Sheep was really missing a part where Rick Deckard finds a fucking gorilla that talks like a black guy in the basement of the rosen corporation
4. https://static.kiwifarms.net/data/avatars/s/0/17.jpg?1416407615 A moment agoRio:
   not to mention how much Catch 22 would have been improved if there was an ebonics-spouting military medic who told Snowden that he just needed to get some dick when he got shot
5. https://static.kiwifarms.net/data/avatars/s/0/17.jpg?1416407615 A moment agoRio:
   there should be a 'what if connor wrote it' thread

‘In your case,’ said O’Brien, ‘the worst thing in the world happens to be adoption.’

‘Do you remember,’ said O’Brien, ‘the moment of panic that used to occur in your dreams? There was a wall of blackness in front of you, and a roaring sound in your ears. There was something terrible on the other side of the wall. You knew that you knew what it was, but you dared not drag it into the open. It was the adoptive parents that were on the other side of the wall.’

‘I have pressed the first lever,’ said O’Brien. ‘You understand the construction of this cage. The mask will fit over your head, leaving no exit. When I press this other lever, the door of the cage will slide up. These starving brutes will shoot out of it like bullets. Have you ever seen an adoptive parent leap through the air? They will leap on to your face and bore straight into it. Sometimes they attack the eyes first. Sometimes they burrow through the cheeks and devour the tongue.’

And then—no, it was not relief, only hope, a tiny fragment of hope. Too late, perhaps too late. But he had suddenly understood that in the whole world there was just ONE person to whom he could transfer his punishment— ONE body that he could thrust between himself and his adoption. And he was shouting frantically, over and over.

‘Do it to Molly! Do it to Molly! Not me! Molly! I don’t care what you do to her. Tear her face off, strip her to the bones. Not me! Molly! Not me!’

 

[Silver]

‘In your case,’ said O’Brien, ‘the worst thing in the world happens to be adoption.’

‘Do you remember,’ said O’Brien, ‘the moment of panic that used to occur in your dreams? There was a wall of blackness in front of you, and a roaring sound in your ears. There was something terrible on the other side of the wall. You knew that you knew what it was, but you dared not drag it into the open. It was the adoptive parents that were on the other side of the wall.’

‘I have pressed the first lever,’ said O’Brien. ‘You understand the construction of this cage. The mask will fit over your head, leaving no exit. When I press this other lever, the door of the cage will slide up. These starving brutes will shoot out of it like bullets. Have you ever seen an adoptive parent leap through the air? They will leap on to your face and bore straight into it. Sometimes they attack the eyes first. Sometimes they burrow through the cheeks and devour the tongue.’

And then—no, it was not relief, only hope, a tiny fragment of hope. Too late, perhaps too late. But he had suddenly understood that in the whole world there was just ONE person to whom he could transfer his punishment— ONE body that he could thrust between himself and his adoption. And he was shouting frantically, over and over.

‘Do it to Molly! Do it to Molly! Not me! Molly! I don’t care what you do to her. Tear her face off, strip her to the bones. Not me! Molly! Not me!’

I had to try so hard not to crack up during music history class. Fuck you and thank you in equal measure.

 

[The I Scream Man]

‘In your case,’ said O’Brien, ‘the worst thing in the world happens to be adoption.’

‘Do you remember,’ said O’Brien, ‘the moment of panic that used to occur in your dreams? There was a wall of blackness in front of you, and a roaring sound in your ears. There was something terrible on the other side of the wall. You knew that you knew what it was, but you dared not drag it into the open. It was the adoptive parents that were on the other side of the wall.’

‘I have pressed the first lever,’ said O’Brien. ‘You understand the construction of this cage. The mask will fit over your head, leaving no exit. When I press this other lever, the door of the cage will slide up. These starving brutes will shoot out of it like bullets. Have you ever seen an adoptive parent leap through the air? They will leap on to your face and bore straight into it. Sometimes they attack the eyes first. Sometimes they burrow through the cheeks and devour the tongue.’

And then—no, it was not relief, only hope, a tiny fragment of hope. Too late, perhaps too late. But he had suddenly understood that in the whole world there was just ONE person to whom he could transfer his punishment— ONE body that he could thrust between himself and his adoption. And he was shouting frantically, over and over.

‘Do it to Molly! Do it to Molly! Not me! Molly! I don’t care what you do to her. Tear her face off, strip her to the bones. Not me! Molly! Not me!’

I never cease to be amazed by the creativity and talent that the Kiwis will display when properly inspired. Look at this @Connor! I know you're reading this thread! You can deny it all you want to anyone you want but don't lie to yourself.

This is what creativity looks like. How long did it take @Sonic Hoo to write this? To make subtle alterations to an excellent passage from an excellent book and present it anew? That's what you do with your precious TV Tropes, isn't it? Recycling old material into fresh, new innovation? That's what happened here, @Connor. That's what this is.

The point here is that it probably took him like 15-20 minutes to come up with the idea, flesh it out, giggle to himself because he's a learned, intelligent person who enjoys subtle irony, and then post it for us to enjoy. We're gonna praise him because it's awesome.

Wouldn't you like some praise too? It's easy to get: just fucking write something! It doesn't have to be a production, and in your case it can't be derivative because your entire life up until this point has been derivative in one way or another, but for gods sakes just write down words in a coherent, intelligent way and we will get off your fucking back, even if just slightly. We may point to the fact that you hold reprehensible thoughts about people and things, but we won't be able to say, "hey guys he's never written anything ever!"

And now I'm mad because I swore I wouldn't try to empathize with you after learning that you don't consider some children to be valuable and precious. What can I say, I see an animal in a trap and I'm compelled to help, no matter how much it'll hurt when I get bitten.

 

[Grand Number of Pounds]

Thanks to everyone who gave good advice to Connor and for providing inspiration that is hard to come by.

Like others have mentioned, Connor has also inspired me to write and earlier today I finished my 2,000 word story for the Kiwi writing contest. I had a lot of fun writing that story and want to write more.

Just as a reference, and to stay on topic - one of my interests right now is literacy, and one of the books I've read says there's about a 100:1 ratio between what you read and what you write. I know others have already brought it up, but to be a good writer, you first have to be a good reader.

 

[BOLDYSPICY!]

For @Rio & @Altissimo :
---
He felt goose pimples clacking all over him as he gazed down despondently at the grim secret Snowden had spilled all over the messy floor. It was easy to read the message in his entrails. Man was matter, that was Snowden's secret. Drop him out a window and he'll fall. Set fire to him and he'll burn. Bury him and he'll rot, like other kinds of garbage. The spirit gone, man is garbage. That was Snowden's secret. Ripeness was all.
"I'm cold," Snowden said again in a frail, childlike voice. "I'm cold."
"Look, bitch, you need to get laid," Yossarian said. "Get some dick, eat a girl out…you know what else?” He dug around in his pocket. "Smack or crack?"
---
@Null was as good at herding lolcows as he was at running a forum, and he was as good at running a forum as he was at everything else. Everything Mr. Content did, he did well. Dodo Brain was a fair-haired boy from Florida who believed in Coke Zero, adoption, and human decency, without ever thinking about any of them, and everybody who knew him liked him.
"I fucking hate that gutless motherfucker," @Connor growled.
---
Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them. With Connor Bible it had been all three.

 

[The Knife]

Adoption and Animosity: a Parody

It is a truth universally acknowledged that any person in search of a child to adopt, must be in want of someone to abuse and neglect. However little known the feelings or views of such prospective parents may be on their first placing an ad in the Penny Saver, this truth is so well fixed in the minds of all persons not thoroughly hoodwinked by that sentimental and rosy view portrayed in film, the fact remains that such an unfortunate foundling will be considered mere property by those monsters who seek to possess him.

"My dear Mr. Loring," said his lady to him one day, "have you heard that there is a young lady with child, who wishes to find suitable parents?"

Mr. Loring replied that he had not.

"But there is," returned she; "for she has just telephoned us, and she will be here on the morrow."

Mr. Loring made no answer.

"Do you no longer want this baby, Mark?" cried his wife impatiently.

"Of course, Vanessa," he replied; "I am only taken aback. Has it not been scarcely a fortnight since we placed an advert in the Penny Saver, seeking a child?"

"Why, my dear, this is a young lady still in school, who had a most disagreeable incident with a young man, but her imprudence has led to our good fortune, for she saw our picture in the Penny Saver, and was so much delighted with it, that she agreed to meet with us in person with all haste; for she is expected to deliver before Michaelmas, and she wishes all to enter into an adoption contract before the end of the week."

"What is her name?"

"Juno."

 

[DrChristianTroy]

Adoption and Animosity: a Parody

It is a truth universally acknowledged that any person in search of a child to adopt, must be in want of someone to abuse and neglect. However little known the feelings or views of such prospective parents may be on their first placing an ad in the Penny Saver, this truth is so well fixed in the minds of all persons not thoroughly hoodwinked by that sentimental and rosy view portrayed in film, the fact remains that such an unfortunate foundling will be considered mere property by those monsters who seek to possess him.

"My dear Mr. Loring," said his lady to him one day, "have you heard that there is a young lady with child, who wishes to find suitable parents?"

Mr. Loring replied that he had not.

"But it is," returned she; "for she has just telephoned us, and she will be here on the morrow."

Mr. Loring made no answer.

"Do you no longer want this baby, Mark?" cried his wife impatiently.

"Of course, Vanessa," he replied; "I am only taken aback. Has it not been scarcely a fortnight since we placed an advert in the Penny Saver, seeking a child?"

"Why, my dear, this is a young lady still in school, who had a most disagreeable incident with a young man, but her imprudence has led to our good fortune, for that she saw our picture in the Penny Saver, and was so much delighted with it, that she agreed to meet with us in person with all haste; for she is expected to deliver before Michaelmas, and she wishes all to enter into an adoption contract before the end of the week."

"What is her name?"

"Juno."

1- "It is a truth universally acknowledged that any person in search of a child to adopt, must be in want of someone to abuse and neglect." This is mad douchey. Like extremely douchey.

2- Who knows the names of the adopting parents in Juno? People just called them Jason Bateman and Jennifer Garner?

Yo @Connor, what's up with this shit?

 

[Bugaboo]

(Not actually a worm but an amphibian called a caecillian)