First a bit of background - I'm in my late 20s, gay, had top surgery, and want to get bottom surgery but currently can't because I'm also a broke college student in the US (and there's no covered providers for my state's Medicaid but that's another topic). Been on T for 7+ years.
I've been thinking about this a lot lately, and want to speak up. I'm afraid of being intimate with anyone. By intimate, I mean anything from friendly touching (like hand on arm), to sex. I've had sex. And I used to go to a local sex-positive community's sex-focused events, where I generally felt comfortable, because they're welcoming of all genders and orientations. Thing is, I don't feel that same comfort or confidence when trawling for guys on apps, CL, or anywhere else. There's a trans event for pride weekend at a local bathhouse, and I wanted to go, but also don't. I really want to try bathhouses. But... I'm afraid of being touched in a way that I don't want to - namely, any contact with my lower anatomy. I've always had the fear of anything touching it, and I'm terrified that if some random guy there realizes I have a hole there, he'll want to touch or use it, and honestly, being forced to have sex in a way that -TO ME- is the definition of female, would be something that I don't know I could handle. I don't even want anyone looking at it. Which means I act shyly in a place where I should enjoy the freedom of being naked around other men. And then I start to resent and get depressed over the fact that I may never, not even post-op, feel that freedom. I've always wanted to have random hookups, from bars or apps, too. But that fear of something happening down there is my number 1 fear (that and general lack of familiarity with male bodies. All but one of my partners have been transmen. I don't have the same innate understanding of the anatomy that a cisman would, and in a lot of ways, I feel like "gay" sex for -me- might be more like "straight" sex for others because there isn't that familiarity, and commonality). So yeah there's that fear of "I don't know what I'm doing so it's going to be bad for both of us" and there seems to be a MASSIVE expectation among especially bottoms that their partner be experienced, confident, and know what they're doing.
Kind of ranty, but yeah. Seems like the only time I ever feel confident enough to approach someone about sex is after I've been in a very sexual situation, like those sex-positive events.
Has anyone else experienced similar feelings around sex? And any suggestions on overcoming it? I don't want to wait until I'm "that creepy old guy" (after finally having bottom surgery) to finally get out there and play.