He forgot to tell us how he went to divinity school so he could work as a volunteer chaplain giving solace to the families of all those friends of his killed in Iraq. That's how he became an expert on scripture.
Miss'ippi John was a mighty, mighty man,
He did everything a Miss'ippi Man can.
Ain't never met no one as holy,
Ain't never met no one as devout
As when he was praying
before the surgeon turned little Miss'ippi John inside out
Well now folks, its been a spell since we all gotta sit on down a spell and relax 'round the fire. And there aren't no better time to get around the fire and outta the cold than this Holiday season, and there ain't nothing better to do when sittin' 'round the fire than talk about that greatest of men, Miss'ippi John. Why, the holiday season is the best time for telling stories of Miss'ippi John, on the account'a just how holy any story of John's childhood is.
Ain't no story John could be telling that is more holy than the story of John's family, of his Navy Officer Adopted Father who ran a small business, couldn't keep food on the table or the power on, but was able to afford Nintendos, Computers, Prodigy access, and send John to a school in Miss'ippi with a top flight computer science program...all before disowning John for being a lesbian.
Yessir, stories don't get much more holy than that one.
But when it comes to the impossible, well, that ain't never been a stop for our Miss'ippi John. No sir. When he was told he couldn't raised as a poor black girl, well, Miss'ippi John just went right on and showed them by doing it anyway. When they said Ol' John couldn't be made a shuttle commander at space camp because that wasn't how space was actually run & operated, well Ol' John didn't let that stop him from doing it anyways. When they told him that as a poor black girl from the backwoods of miss'ippi he couldn't do his own auto maintenance, well Ol' John just rolled up his sleeves and went out right out and bought himself another porsche. When they said John couldn't be the first woman in congress...well, ok they was rights on that one. But you gets the idear.
Now I done do recall that last time we sat for a spell, I gave you the tale of how Miss'ippi John saved the world and heroically died on the moon, taking out a chinese moon-rock launcher in the process of stopping WWIII. Now settle yerselfs, I know you're thinking there ain't no possible way for John to top hisself there, dying on the moon is just simply as heroic as it gets. Well, if you know anything about ol' John, you'd know that when it comes to John, there's just no limit to what he'll get up to. And that's why I'm going to tell you about how John got to personally know over 20,000 brave gay iraq veterans who committed suicide.
Now, after dying on the moon and being told he'd gotten too much cosmic irradigation to ever be allowed outside the earth's atmosphere again, John was at a lost of what to do with hisself. It was just then that he suddenly remembered that growing up his father had been a deacon of their church that he'd attended regularly and was a big part of his life despite never mentioning it before. Well, Miss'ippi John figured that his being confined earth-side might be part of God's plan for him, and so he set to studying Gods word. He studied it so hard, he ended up getting kicked outta the Vactican for correctin' the Pope too much. Which was another dark time for ol' John. Kicked outta the Vatican, homeless, and disowned by his father.
Well, that was when a few hundred of John's friends from back home emailed him from Iraq. Turns out the National Guard unit that was based near John's home town, the Mississippi 85th Complete Battle Support, Combat Transmission Service Brigade - The Fightin' Trannies - was in Iraq,and they was in need of serious spiritual guidance. Because you see, every single member of the 85th Complete BS brigade was gay, and so they couldn't get to find no Chaplain to see to their spiritual needs, lest it be found out they was queers and the US couldn't win the war in Iraq because they was sent home and there was no one left in the country to service the Army's trannies. So they was wondering if a proper Biblicable Scholar like John would come and guide them spiritually.
Well John knew right then what he needed to do, and he went to Iraq and he preached up a storm to those brave queers the 85th Complete BS Brigade. But John's preaching just wasn't enough to overcome the horrors of war, and wouldn't you know it, when the 85th Complete BS cycled back home, every single of those 20,000 brave gay soldiers in the 85th Complete BS brigade committed suicide. John knew right then and there he was going to need to enter politics to make sure no more gay soldiers had to commit suicide. But before he could do that, needed to open a video game studio.
Now, it bears a remindering while John was serving over in Iraq, he done caught himself some shrapnel. The VA refused to remove it, so Ol' John had to find a surgeon who would. So if you hear anything about Miss'ippi John flying to Thailand to have some surgery done, that's what it was, just that shrapnel and absolutely nothing else.