Star Wars Griefing Thread (SPOILERS) - Safety off

[King Dead]

With the ST films shot with no sort of in-universe time gap between films, it feels more like a 3-part made-for-TV series that airs over three days as opposed to a bona fide trilogy. Once again, this falls back on the lack of proper storytelling.

That reminds me of some defense of TLJ posted here some time back, which was in essence "Rian didn't have any leeway since he had to pick up right where JJ left off and JJ didn't give him anything to work with so that's why TLJ isn't as good as it should be, Rian is a good boy he dindu nuffin."

To which I reply, bullshit.

There was absolutely no reason that TLJ had to start literally seconds after TFA ends. The only reason it did was so Rian could do his "I'm so clever lol sUbvErTeD ExpECtatIOns" """joke""" where Luke tosses the lightsaber over his shoulder. If it had been set any farther forward in time, then he couldn't dazzle us with his..."humor."

Here's my #butwhatifitwasgood for the start of TLJ: fast forward about a year or two. The opening of the movie is Finn awakening in a medical bay, perhaps on the new home base. Obviously disoriented from being out of commission for so long, he gets brought up to speed on what he's missed (and thus, so does the audience): as the news of the destruction wrought by Starkiller Base, and later the destruction of said base, spread throughout the galaxy, it has inspired more of the galaxy to join up and fight against the First Order. The remnants of the New Republic throw their support wholeheartedly behind Leia and the rebellion (as they should have from the start), and have been working to get the scuttled Republic Navy back to fighting shape. The war is now between two roughly symmetrical forces: the New Republic versus the First Order (which I'd call something less stupid but whatever).

Rey, meanwhile, has been spending her time since the end of TFA training under Luke Skywalker, who acts as the mentor he should have been. Regretting that he couldn't stop Ben Solo from falling to the dark side (and no, he wasn't the cause of it, fuck you Rian), he had isolated himself to mourn his failure, but Rey's eagerness to learn reignites the spark that had been missing since then. Maybe he thinks that he tried to do too much too soon, and decides that training a single pupil rather than an entire class might work out better. Rey's skill in the Force grows as she's taught, and you can throw in a nice lightsaber duel too just for shits and gigs. Considering her staff-fighting skills in TFA, you could even have her build her own lightsaber later in the movie, but she builds a double-bladed saber for some good ol' prequel memberberries.

From here, you could honestly build pretty much any movie you want. It's a foundation that gives ample room for character development, removes restraints on what the next plotline should be, and gives a talented filmmaker the freedom to explore new directions in the story. It makes Rey's increased abilities make more sense by having her train and hone her powers for a couple of years, instead of having her be magically super awesome in less than a week. Most importantly, it gets rid of JJ's stupid rehash of "Rebels vs. Empire" and sets the stage for what the story should have been from the start if you were really going to go down the "Empire's back" route: a massive civil war between the New Republic and the Imperial Remnant (huh, kinda like the Thrawn Trilogy, who'da thunk?).

Instead, we got the slowest starship chase in Star Wars history, a dumbass B-plot on Casino Planet, Luke's legacy being shat on, the lunacy of the Holdo Maneuver (can't believe they actually named it), and Rey cementing her Mary Sue status. Absolute cinematic garbage.

Most of what I wrote up there I came up with on the spot. I'm not saying I'm an excellent writer, but what I am saying is that I can definitely come up with something far better for Star Wars than JJ Abrams or Rian Johnson ever could.

 

[Shaka Brah]

I just can’t get that scene out of my mind. Even if we disregard how ridiculous it was for it all to be resolved via an dbz style laser struggle, that “zinger” at the end is completely unnecessary and almost comical in delivery. Who the fuck thought the big epic battle at the end needed to end on a fucking one liner? Much less, a one longer than sounds like they were listening to the Shadow the Hedgehog OST in the writing room.
It’s an embarrassingly stupid line from someone who was probably paid a ton to write this script.

JJ is a known hack, and he only has success because he's the son of two famous Jewish TV producers, one of whom was a Disney lifer. Remember Lost? Remember how fucking stupid Lost was? JJ WROTE LOST! That was his breakout writing credit! He fucked over tens of millions of people with "They were dead the whole time guys!" and people in Hollywood thought that was brilliant.

 

[BipolarPon]

This thread getting a little sad here's some more memes to lighten things up.

 

[MasterDisaster]

I've been a Star Wars fan a long, long time and if there's any one thing that Disney 100% absolutely screwed up on it was nuking the expanded universe. Sure not every part of it was good but there was metric fuck tons of content they could have picked through for the juiciest tidbits.
If Disney wants to save this dying franchise the best thing to do is stop relying on a handful of marketable characters and create something fresh and new. There's an entire galaxy to fuck around with, thousands of planets, alien species and timelines at their disposal; tell a new story.
Make a film with no jedi, no sith.
Have a lead character that's morally ambiguous so they're more relatable.
Don't shoehorn in cameos or nonsense references.

Imagine having the worlds largest playground but you're sitting in the grass and pulling it up by the handful to play with it.
That's Disney. The playground is complicated and maybe a bit dangerous; you could get hurt but there's more fun to be had and tons of exploration. The grass, however, is safe and comfortable. There might be a surprise here and there but nothing potentially unexpected.

 

[Shaka Brah]

I've been a Star Wars fan a long, long time and if there's any one thing that Disney 100% absolutely screwed up on it was nuking the expanded universe. Sure not every part of it was good but there was metric fuck tons of content they could have picked through for the juiciest tidbits.
If Disney wants to save this dying franchise the best thing to do is stop relying on a handful of marketable characters and create something fresh and new. There's an entire galaxy to fuck around with, thousands of planets, alien species and timelines at their disposal; tell a new story.
Make a film with no jedi, no sith.
Have a lead character that's morally ambiguous so they're more relatable.
Don't shoehorn in cameos or nonsense references.

Imagine having the worlds largest playground but you're sitting in the grass and pulling it up by the handful to play with it.
That's Disney. The playground is complicated and maybe a bit dangerous; you could get hurt but there's more fun to be had and tons of exploration. The grass, however, is safe and comfortable. There might be a surprise here and there but nothing potentially unexpected.

The only two Disney Star Wars productions that people have legitimately loved (as standalone films/TV) were Mandalorian and Rogue One. Really makes you think.

 

[Philly Phunk Machine]

Kind of ironic how Lucas made the OT as being about optimisim and hope during a negative time in American culture only for the ST to close out a decade full of cultural decline and growing dread. Appropriate that we enter the next decade with a profound reminder that everything you ever liked will eventually be co-opted by those who don't understand what made it good to begin with.

Sad part is by 2030 we'll look back on this moment and wish Star Wars was the biggest problem going on at the time.

 

[MAPK phosphatase]

I've been a Star Wars fan a long, long time and if there's any one thing that Disney 100% absolutely screwed up on it was nuking the expanded universe. Sure not every part of it was good but there was metric fuck tons of content they could have picked through for the juiciest tidbits.
If Disney wants to save this dying franchise the best thing to do is stop relying on a handful of marketable characters and create something fresh and new. There's an entire galaxy to fuck around with, thousands of planets, alien species and timelines at their disposal; tell a new story.
Make a film with no jedi, no sith.
Have a lead character that's morally ambiguous so they're more relatable.
Don't shoehorn in cameos or nonsense references.

Imagine having the worlds largest playground but you're sitting in the grass and pulling it up by the handful to play with it.
That's Disney. The playground is complicated and maybe a bit dangerous; you could get hurt but there's more fun to be had and tons of exploration. The grass, however, is safe and comfortable. There might be a surprise here and there but nothing potentially unexpected.

And yet even though they stuck to the grass they still caught Botulism and fucking died. Everyone who cared was like "You look really tired and weak. You seem to lack focus. You should purge this disease from your system" but they told them to fuck off until they were shitting themselves in a billion dollar ditch wondering how it got to this point.

 

[Apteryx Owenii]

Somewhere out there, George Lucus is smirking while drinking a size XL diet soda as Disney takes the franchise they paid him 4 billion dollars for and gradually sinks it into the ocean. In the distance, Jar Jar Binks makes a poo joke and George does a spit take of laughter.

 

[Jet Fuel Johnny]

I recently watched the "Vader/Obi-Wan Fight Remastered/Reimagined" YouTube video.

In the comments, someone said: "Imagine if this was how it looked in the 70's." to which someone replied the very thing I was thinking: "That's how it looked to us."

There's not a single thing of the new trilogy you could say that about. Nothing that reshooting a scene wouldn't be trying to fix it instead of an homage to it.

And the new trilogy is so bad that Robot Chicken treated the Star Wars franchise with more respect and care than Disney and is a more acceptable canon than anything Disney did outside of Mando and Rogue One.

How's that for fucking sad?

 

[Spoonge]

And this makes me almost want to watch that galaxy of adventures show. Disney is getting schooled by the fandom on how to make stuff look entertaining. This timeline...

That fucking Noragami music just hit me right in the taint. Season 3 when assholes?

 

[Dom Cruise]

Sad part is by 2030 we'll look back on this moment and wish Star Wars was the biggest problem going on at the time.

Honestly dude, don't even joke.

That is my big fear is the 2020s will be shitty in an actual life and death way to where we'll look back at all the infighting over pop culture in the 2010s as something just kinda quaint.

I'm optimistic but I also fear the 2020s could be the decade of the third world war or something like that.

 

[Marco Fucko]

Honestly dude, don't even joke.

That is my big fear is the 2020s will be shitty in an actual life and death way to where we'll look back at all the infighting over pop culture in the 2010s as something just kinda quaint.

I'm optimistic but I also fear the 2020s could be the decade of the third world war or something like that.

Antifa are skinny soy boys, oath keepers are deathfats with guns, China is seen by many as a paper tiger economy that may have a significant economic downturn in the future, and despite political attention the migrant crisis in the EU is not as big as it may seem (although it is certainly bigger than what libcucks pretend it to be).

So cool it, our deaths will be long and boring, the perfect conclusion to our dull and pointless lives.

 

[PeeveTheSheev]

You know it's been a good night at the Farms when you wake up to this;

I love the smell of Schadenfreude in the morning.... now to catch up on 30+ pages of spergery.

 

[That Chris Guy]

The only two Disney Star Wars productions that people have legitimately loved (as standalone films/TV) were Mandalorian and Rogue One. Really makes you think.

Well that's a shame, since I thought Jane Dean and the Diversity Squad sucked. As for Mandalorian, I won't be watching it unless I start sailing the high seas for it, but the way people are clamouring over Baby Yoda like they did Porgs or Groot doesn't inspire much confidence in me for it.

 

[heyilikeyourmom]

Who honestly didn’t see this coming? The best Star Wars was Empire. The Force Awakens was okay at best, and it only got worse from there. I’m literally not surprised by any of this.

 

[AverageAnimeWatcher]

You know it's been a good night at the Farms when you wake up to this;

View attachment 1058191
I love the smell of Schadenfreude in the morning.... now to catch up on 30+ pages of spergery.

Yeah, the Star Wars thread is basically a lolcow thread at this point.

 

[Judge Holden]

Who honestly didn’t see this coming? The best Star Wars was Empire. The Force Awakens was okay at best, and it only got worse from there. I’m literally not surprised by any of this.

People genuinely thought that the biggest media company on the planet with a very literal army of critically, commercially, and audience acclaimed directors and writers on speed dial would be physically incapable of making a truly bad sequel trilogy. They have the experience, they have the funds, they have the fucking brains...surely they must be able to do something good with it.

At worst people thought it would be mediocre normie fodder that could then be used to springboard something halfway decent in spinoff or in vidya....and even then people were going to be ultra fuckin forgiving after the goddamn prequels.

I mean KK and nu-lucasfilms would literally have to be fucking insane to turn this literal fucking infinite money/hype machine into shit...they have to have planned every fucking detail to perfection to ensure a reliable new cash cow...they are fucking businessmen....why would fucking businessmen burn money by fucking up such an easy and straightforward opportunity?!

....yeah....

Sadly as the past few years have made abundantly apparant, these armies of businessmen and legions of pampered creative hacks they call upon to "make things perfect" really dont know what the fuck they are doing, and have gone out of their way to insulate themselves from all criticism by smothering the increasingly uncaring and shallow media critic cliques with asspats and juicy narrative seeds about trendy topics like "muh diversity" and "muh harassment".

They just assumed everything would work perfectly by brand name alone and thought that they could use media goons to aggressively silence any criticism...and before long they genuinely bought in to the shit these media goons gushing about how perfect their creations truly were and so never fucking saw any reason to change course, to alter shit to be better, to improve substandard concepts. After all, were they not doing perfectly fine already?

 

[LiquidKid]

JJ is a known hack, and he only has success because he's the son of two famous Jewish TV producers, one of whom was a Disney lifer. Remember Lost? Remember how fucking stupid Lost was? JJ WROTE LOST! That was his breakout writing credit! He fucked over tens of millions of people with "They were dead the whole time guys!" and people in Hollywood thought that was brilliant.

Incidentally, Eisner hated everything about lost and even went on record bashing it after it premiered to high ratings. It’s all documented in the Disney/Eisner authorized account of his tenure as president

Well that's a shame, since I thought Jane Dean and the Diversity Squad sucked. As for Mandalorian, I won't be watching it unless I start sailing the high seas for it, but the way people are clamouring over Baby Yoda like they did Porgs or Groot doesn't inspire much confidence in me for it.

I visited my mother today and noticed a bootleg baby yoda sweater in the corner of the living room. That is my gauge for how awful something is.

Well this is going out like an absolute flaming barrel of turds rolling downhill.
Good job, mouse. You took one of the most sure-fire gold mines and turned it into a dead on arrival film that even the most diehard consume-anything dorks won't touch.

My fear is that they said this is the end of the main line story but they're going to keep squeezing the universe for every penny they can get.

Put it this way: Disney parks experienced a 40% drop in attendance with the opening of Galaxy’s Edge, but they offset their failure to shareholders by claiming merchandise and concessions were up 60%. Why does this matter? Galaxy’s Edge opened with one lack luster ride, an over priced novelty bar, an over priced milkshake stand where the ice cream is dyed blue, a restaurant, and a large Star Wars themed shopping mall. It’s also worth noting that Galaxy’s Edge is the largest single expansion to any Disney Park in company history, and the Disneyland location is the largest land in Disney history.
This means that they have hurt their most profitable sector solely to milk Star Wars,

 

[heyilikeyourmom]

People genuinely thought that the biggest media company on the planet with a very literal army of critically, commercially, and audience acclaimed directors and writers on speed dial would be physically incapable of making a truly bad sequel trilogy.

Yeah but even a five-star chef can’t make fecal matter into a decent meal. And I compare Star Wars to shit in the sense that we’d already consumed it and gotten all the good stuff out of it by the time Disney bought it. And the way they marketted the purchase by throwing classic Star Wars imagery all over the place was writing on the wall that it was gonna end this way.

 

[Judge Holden]

Also I know this has probably been done to fucking death already but seriously....

...what the actual fuck were they thinking in with the "Rey falls in love with Kylo Ren" horseshit?!

I mean setting aside the fact he is a mass murdering psychopath who gleefully participated in the biggest genocide in history, his only interactions with her were trying to murder her, torturing her, killing the guy she latched on to as a new daddy and....then they are fucking force flirting with eachother in the next movie?! and then after he AGAIN tries to fucking kill her and all her fri....acquaintances and spends a year going full Hitler on the galaxy she just straight up drops her proverbial panties for him the moment he apologises?!

Like the proto SJW hordes absolutely fucking evicerated twilight for centring round a romance thats not even slightly this fucking creepy and unnatural and abusive but they fucking fawn over this shit?

For that matter dafuq was the basis for the "oooh rey is being temped by the dark side oooooo" plotline!?

The actual fuck was she being tempted by other then "hey...wanna be evil and stuff?"

Like...if she perhaps was not a stupidly overpowered mary sue then maybe an outmatched and inexperienced protagonist fighting a very definitively losing fight over the course of the movies could legit be tempted to just go full fucking Vader in order to defeat the nu empire but Rey easily fucking wins everything she fucking does so there is literally zero fucking reason why she would be tempted...hell she isnt even angry about how evil the first order and Kylo are because as specified above she doesnt give two shits about that...

The reason I am sperging about this particular plot point is that this is what the critics and consoomers are declaring the "one redeeming feature" of TROS and im sitting here wondering what the fuck they are talking about....seriously am I missing something here?!