1.
The Empire Strikes Back
Shouldn't need to explain this, but since we have a lot of newcomers, I will: It's the best movie overall due to the character elements. Ironically enough it's one of the lightest of the original movies in regards to action, with not a hell of a lot actually happening from an action perspective, but tons happening in terms of world-building and character development. Anyone who believes the original trilogy is for children, as opposed to being for basically everyone needs to go back and watch this movie. You'll be thankful you did. This is the emotional core of Star Wars - not the big explosions or shiny things, but the legitimate character drama and interplay. There's a reason that the Radio Drama series of Star Wars is seen as an unsung classic and this movie basically embodies why that is.
2.
Return of the Jedi
I'm gonna catch so much flak on this one but it's my list so fuck off. If Empire is the build-up of the OT, Jedi is its payoff. Everything just
clicks, and for every problem Jedi has, it has three times as many good things. Seeing every character you've come to know and love get major moments and interplay together is fantastic, and some of the best moments in the entire series are here. Every character in it has time to shine even though Luke's the main focus. It's enough to outstrip many of the movie's dumbest moments, and that's kind of great.
3.
Star Wars
Warning: Dangerous amounts of the 1970s. This movie is an instant classic and absolutely worth watching, with solid writing and some fantastic visual storytelling throughout. The reason I don't rate it any higher than this is because its design tends to show its age, and while that's charming, a lot of it channels that old-fashioned B-movie serial vibe and it really shows (that scene where Solo chases the stormtroopers comes to mind). There's some minor bits that get left out that
were in the Radio Drama (Luke's background, why Luke was allowed to sortie against the Death Star, etc) that I think could be implemented fine with some minor lines without losing anything, but overall what you have is solid and sets up a great foundation to build on.
4.
Revenge of the Sith
I quibbled over whether this or the movie that follows belonged in this slot, and after I weighed which I would rather watch right now based purely on its own merits, Sith won handily. It's the least overall bad Prequel movie and while it has its moments of flaming idiocy, the visual spectacle and the weight of what's going on in real time really drives home the quality of this film. While I don't think that it can really hold a candle to the OT, it definitely is the most solid overall of the PT movies and I would argue has the most untapped potential in the end.
5.
Attack of the Clones
This movie is pretty bad by Star Wars standards but I can absolutely appreciate what they were trying to do before they fucked this whole thing up. The intention was very clearly intended to make Anakin seem like a hotshot Jedi maverick, well-meaning and well-intentioned, but hotheaded and reckless. That's not how he comes across, and it has everything to do with the terrible dialogue. A little bit of tweaking and some better pacing and what you'd have here would be a movie arguably taking up the #4 slot but ultimately falls short due to its own failures. It's a shame too, because the worldbuilding is solid and if all the ingredients had more time to cook this could have been something so much bigger.
6.
Rogue One
I realize that the title of "least awful Disney Wars movie" is damning with fine praise, but unlike many I'm not going to give this movie and its shameless attempt to rip off Dark Forces any credit for managing to wear the bra of a considerably better-endowed game. Rogue One panders hard, and for every bit of good it has it stumbles someplace else. It has enough going for it to be a decent action flick, at least, and if that's all you want in your Star Wars, it works really well for that, but it could be infinitely better with some shockingly small scene and dialogue changes and if it tried to be its own thing more.
7.
The Force Awakens
I don't
hate this. It's bad, and a lot of the problems it has are visible from the first few scenes, but there's enormous potential here even if it's never fully lived up to. This is the only movie in which Rey is tolerable and not say, the female equivalent of
a Neil Breen character, as well as the very last time Poe or Finn have any dignity whatsoever, so enjoy it while it lasts. As a standalone movie, it's perfectly serviceable, if kind of bittering since we all know where it's leading now. Enjoy it for what it is and it's not awful. Pair it with its follow-up movies and RENDER THIS EXISTENCE FALLIBLE.
8.
Episode One
Hoo boy. I actually like what Episode One
tries to do, but its execution is so fundamentally broken that it can't help but stagger through the motions. It's a movie with some great moments in the series piggybacking some of the fucking worst, and a lot of that boils down to a net negative. For every Darth Maul fight, there's Anakin blowing up a Trade Federation vessel by accident. For every decent piece of worldbuilding, there's Midichlorians. For every bit of tension there's Jar Jar acting like an idiot. The tragedy is that all of Episode One's numerous missteps are hardly anything destructive singly, and many of them would prove redeemable later, but taken by its lonesome, Episode One is the one movie on this list from the Prequel Trilogy that I'm in no hurry to watch again.
9.
Solo: A Star Wars Story
A fucking botch. An absolutely pointless waste of time and effort that tells a story that didn't need to be told and was already covered in the Radio Drama series. Would be much more entertaining save for its decision to spray Identity Politics everywhere with shit like Feminist Droid and Pansexual Lando done for no other reason than to give the creators one more chance to soapbox like the tasteless dipshits they are. To show how much they stand by their convictions, they then remove these for the Chinese release, showing it to be further hollow virtual signaling.
10,
The Last Jedi
Fucking atrocious and deserving of nothing but scorn. The Last Jedi solely exists to be a two and a half hour middle-finger to anyone who legitimately cared about the series or its canon and is a massive give-away to entitled faggots who want to see those fans suffer. One of the most cynical, nihilistic, mean-spirited movies I've ever had the displeasure of watching, the entire thing comes across as giving the entire fandom an anal fisting for daring to point out that TFA could have been so much better than it turned out to be. Only one OT character escapes this cinematic vandalism and the bulk of the OT is relegated to a less relevant position than the fucking Porgs that exist to sell toys. Fuck this movie, and everything it stands for.
11.
The Rise of Skywalker
You know what Episode VIII didn't have? Rey flat-out assuming godhood over a broken universe which was destroyed solely so she could be the most important thing in it. I've heard people say that this isn't as bad as the Last Jedi; I disagree, as the more you care about the franchise, the more this movie hurts. From violating long-established rules of astrophysics (Star Destroyers are way too big to go into an atmosphere) to relying on "rule of cool" to hand-wave various issues, inventing new force powers out of nowhere and even giving zero reason for why Palpy is even still alive, this fucking movie just gives up about 20 seconds in and hopes you'll be sufficiently distracted by the beautiful set-pieces and action to not notice that the entire movie is held together with rubber bands and duct tape and has nothing of its own merit to stand on. The ending the ST deserves, and may a flock of Porgs sing it to its fiery demise.
