What Did We Get Stuck in Our Rectums Last Year? - The holiday tradition of giggling over emergency room misfortunes.

America continues to lead—and to innovate.
(Vice article, archived link, sorry Barry.)

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We Americans as a people are extremely good at shoving things inside ourselves. We are slightly less good at getting them back out without the aid of trained medical personnel.

For a decade I've been chronicling our country's cavity misadventures, and I've learned several things. First is that it's dangerous to be horny. (The sheer number of sex toys removed in emergency rooms is too high to include on this list, for the most part.) Second is that men are far, far stupider than women when it comes to estimating what will fit and what will be retrievable. This is obvious, but it's nice to have the data to back it up. Third is that the human body is a wondrous thing, but the human imagination is even stronger.

All reports are taken from the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission’s database of emergency room visits, and all descriptions are verbatim. Objects are sorted by orifice, working south:

EAR
  • 2 WIRELESS EARBUDS
  • JEWEL
  • “SISTER PUT LONG SLENDER TOY IN PATIENT'S EAR”
  • METAL PIECE OF SHIRT
  • ROCK SALT
  • BERRY
  • “PATIENT SAYS SHE HAD WAX IN EAR & ATTEMPTED TO REMOVE WITH TWEEZERS & PIECE OF STRING”
  • PAPER IN BOTH EARS
  • “PLACED THERMOMETER IN EAR, FELL ON BED”
  • JUICE BOX STRAW
  • PEARL
  • WOOD CHIP
  • MICROCHIP
  • DECORATIVE SEASHELL
  • TOOTH OF COMB
  • ZIP TIE
  • SLIME
  • PLASTIC SPIDER
  • CHRISTMAS ORNAMENT
NOSE
  • 2 RARE EARTH MAGNETS
  • SMALL HEART STICKER
  • 2 BUTTON BATTERIES
  • BATH BEAD
  • CHALK
  • “BUG, TRIED TO REMOVE WITH BOBBY PIN, BOBBY PIN NOW STUCK”
  • CANDY WRAPPER
  • GOOGLY EYE
  • MOTHBALL
  • SUNFLOWER SEED
  • CHRISTMAS ORNAMENT
THROAT
  • FIDGET SPINNER
  • CONDOM
  • “7 NUTS FROM THE CHRISTMAS TREE MOM AND DAD WERE TAKING DOWN”
  • LASER POINTER
  • TAPE DISPENSER
  • DECORATIVE ROCK
  • PIECE OF BED
  • TROPICAL BREEZE DETERGENT POD
  • “SWALLOWED 3 BUTTON BATTERIES LAST PM & THUMBTACK THIS AM B/C 'THEY TASTE GOOD'”
  • FUSE
  • CAPSULE THAT EXPANDS INTO A FOAM DINOSAUR
  • PLASTIC SWORD
  • “SWALLOWED STAMP INK PAD THAT HE RECEIVED AS A PRIZE AT THE DENTIST'S OFFICE”
  • CLEANING SOLUTION, RAZOR BLADE COVERED IN TOLIET PAPER, BROKEN PLASTIC SOAP DISH
  • STUFFED BIRD
  • “ABOUT 10” PUZZLE PIECES
  • “HAD NECKLACE IN MOUTH TRYING TO UNTANGLE IT & ACCIDENTALLY SWALLOWED IT”
  • GLASS CHRISTMAS TREE LIGHT
  • ICE CREAM CUP LID
  • DRILL BIT
  • HEARING AID
  • KEY
  • “SWALLOWED A THUMBTACK THAT SHE THOUGHT WAS A MINT”
  • CHRISTMAS ORNAMENT
PENIS
  • CRAYONS
  • MARKER CAP
  • CHOPSTICK
  • BALLPOINT PEN
  • PIECE OF TOY PLIERS
  • LOLLIPOP STICK
  • COAXIAL CABLE
  • WEDDING RING
  • MAGNETS
  • SCREWDRIVER
  • BOBBY PIN, “UNABLE TO ACHIEVE ERECTION & THOUGHT IT WOULD HELP”
VAGINA
  • TOOTHBRUSH
  • “A METAL AND PLASTIC CONTAINER”
  • TAPE
  • “WAS BEING ARRESTED BY THE POLICE SO SHE TOOK HER CELL PHONE AND HID IT FROM THEM - STUCK IT IN HER VAGINA”
  • PERFUME BOTTLE
  • MAKEUP SPONGE
  • LARGE PIECE OF UNDERWEAR
  • TOY ACTION FIGURE
  • RUBBER BALL
  • “JUMPED OFF COUCH LANDED ON SPOON”
RECTUM
  • “PATIENT STATES HE STATES SLIPPED IN THE SHOWER AND LANDED ON A METAL AIR FRESHENER CAN AND IT WENT INTO RECTUM”
  • FOLDING KNIFE
  • PLASTIC TOY, “ABOUT 6 INCHES LONG”
  • TOOTHPICK
  • TOOTHBRUSH
  • TOOTHBRUSH HOLDER
  • PLUNGER HANDLE
  • MATTRESS FOAM
  • TWO RAZOR BLADES
  • TWO SMALL VIBRATORS
  • TURKEY BASTER
  • CONDOM WRAPPER
  • COAT HANGER, “PATIENT UNSURE HOW IT GOT THERE”
  • GARDEN HOSE CAP
  • CIGARETTE LIGHTER
  • TOY HOCKEY STICK
  • WATER GUN
  • BAG OF HEROIN
  • COINS
  • EGG TIMER
  • SMALL SHAMPOO BOTTLE
  • LARGE SHAMPOO BOTTLE
  • LIGHT BULB
  • APPLE SAUCE CAN
  • “ACCIDENTALLY GOT A DILDO LODGED IN RECTUM & CUT THE END OF THE DILDO OFF”
  • “STUCK A 4 INCH BUTT PLUG UP RECTUM YESTERDAY, HANDLE BROKE. HE CONTINUED TO PUSH THE TOY IN”
  • “WAS USING PROSTATE MASSAGER & IT GOT 'SUCKED IN'”'
  • CHRISTMAS ORNAMENT
 
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Click to expand...
This one time I got so constipated that I had this single super dry monster turd get stuck on its way out. It was so bad that I was sure that it would qualify for its own classification level on the venerable Bristol Stool Scale. It was at least an inch and a half turtling out and hanging down into the bowl, the rest just dildo-ing back up into my butthole.

No amount of pushing seemed to move it along to any degree, and it was so thick that I was sure to be tearing my anus, so I grabbed at it using a paper towel thinking I'd break it up into pieces. But instead, I got a solid hold of it and managed to slowly yank the whole thing out intact. It was so compacted and dry that it didn't deform or separate.

It was so large and dense that I could have hurt someone if I clubbed them with it right then and there. I had to wrap it in toilet paper and throw it in the woods because there was no way I was gonna try flushing that ass devil. Nothing worse than trying to unclog a toilet after having a physically and mentally traumatic BM. Especially if you're wondering if this is the one that finally kills you from a strain related brain bleed.

I took a picture of it, but I don't have it saved on my computer anymore. I uploaded it to ratemypoo back when it was still about serious comparing and rating stranger's poops.
 
  • TMI
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Freedom Fries said:
The rundown seems rather tame and short. I'd be willing to bet the reality is much worse and much more frequent.
Click to expand...

It's surprisingly a little bit tame this time around, yeah. There were more horrific (and lulzy) situations from last year's list such as a kid being bored enough at school to stick a pen in their ear, sneezing out keyboard keys, fingernail clippings in a penis, squirting bleach up their own ass to prevent AIDS, and some woman who apparently had a sex toy stuck in her vagina for eight months but only went into the ER because she had slipped on a wet floor.
 
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DoctorJimmyRay said:
This one time I got so constipated that I had this single super dry monster turd get stuck on its way out. It was so bad that I was sure that it would qualify for its own classification level on the venerable Bristol Stool Scale. It was at least an inch and a half turtling out and hanging down into the bowl, the rest just dildo-ing back up into my butthole.

No amount of pushing seemed to move it along to any degree, and it was so thick that I was sure to be tearing my anus, so I grabbed at it using a paper towel thinking I'd break it up into pieces. But instead, I got a solid hold of it and managed to slowly yank the whole thing out intact. It was so compacted and dry that it didn't deform or separate.

It was so large and dense that I could have hurt someone if I clubbed them with it right then and there. I had to wrap it in toilet paper and throw it in the woods because there was no way I was gonna try flushing that ass devil. Nothing worse than trying to unclog a toilet after having a physically and mentally traumatic BM. Especially if you're wondering if this is the one that finally kills you from a strain related brain bleed.

I took a picture of it, but I don't have it saved on my computer anymore. I uploaded it to ratemypoo back when it was still about serious comparing and rating stranger's poops.
Click to expand...
Is this Wings of Redemption?
 
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PENIS
  • CRAYONS
  • MARKER CAP
  • CHOPSTICK
  • BALLPOINT PEN
  • PIECE OF TOY PLIERS
  • LOLLIPOP STICK
  • COAXIAL CABLE
  • WEDDING RING
  • MAGNETS
  • SCREWDRIVER
  • BOBBY PIN, “UNABLE TO ACHIEVE ERECTION & THOUGHT IT WOULD HELP”

I swear, it's just a waste of time to buy any electronic gifts for baby boomers.
 
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DoctorJimmyRay said:
This one time I got so constipated that I had this single super dry monster turd get stuck on its way out. It was so bad that I was sure that it would qualify for its own classification level on the venerable Bristol Stool Scale. It was at least an inch and a half turtling out and hanging down into the bowl, the rest just dildo-ing back up into my butthole.

No amount of pushing seemed to move it along to any degree, and it was so thick that I was sure to be tearing my anus, so I grabbed at it using a paper towel thinking I'd break it up into pieces. But instead, I got a solid hold of it and managed to slowly yank the whole thing out intact. It was so compacted and dry that it didn't deform or separate.

It was so large and dense that I could have hurt someone if I clubbed them with it right then and there. I had to wrap it in toilet paper and throw it in the woods because there was no way I was gonna try flushing that ass devil. Nothing worse than trying to unclog a toilet after having a physically and mentally traumatic BM. Especially if you're wondering if this is the one that finally kills you from a strain related brain bleed.

I took a picture of it, but I don't have it saved on my computer anymore. I uploaded it to ratemypoo back when it was still about serious comparing and rating stranger's poops.
Click to expand...

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Checks out.
 
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Honestly not as entertaining as last year. I traumatized a coworker reading off last years list and the domino in the penis broke his brain. I can still make him twitch just saying "domino".

I liked the heavy sarcasm, at least to me, in the line:
  • “PATIENT STATES HE STATES SLIPPED IN THE SHOWER AND LANDED ON A METAL AIR FRESHENER CAN AND IT WENT INTO RECTUM”
I can just imagine the nurses, doctors, etc. etc. etc. rolling their eyes as they write down that excuse.
 
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neverendingmidi said:
Honestly not as entertaining as last year. I traumatized a coworker reading off last years list and the domino in the penis broke his brain. I can still make him twitch just saying "domino".

I liked the heavy sarcasm, at least to me, in the line:
  • “PATIENT STATES HE STATES SLIPPED IN THE SHOWER AND LANDED ON A METAL AIR FRESHENER CAN AND IT WENT INTO RECTUM”
I can just imagine the nurses, doctors, etc. etc. etc. rolling their eyes as they write down that excuse.
Click to expand...
I don't know why people aren't just honest about it. Doctors have heard it all. And legally they can't divulge the information, so you might as well treat it as a confessional and get it off your chest. I'd be more embarrassed to tell such a lame lie than I would be to admit that I tried to shove an air freshener can up my ass. Because who keeps a can of air freshener on the floor of their shower? That actually makes you sound weirder than just telling the truth ...
 
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mr.moon1488 said:
PENIS
  • CRAYONS
  • MARKER CAP
  • CHOPSTICK
  • BALLPOINT PEN
  • PIECE OF TOY PLIERS
  • LOLLIPOP STICK
  • COAXIAL CABLE
  • WEDDING RING
  • MAGNETS
  • SCREWDRIVER
  • BOBBY PIN, “UNABLE TO ACHIEVE ERECTION & THOUGHT IT WOULD HELP”

I swear, it's just a waste of time to buy any electronic gifts for baby boomers.
Click to expand...

"It's not the Sexual Revolution anymore, you old coot! We're degenerates but we still have enough blood going to our brain-- well, most of us...

Anyways, go get cuckolded like a normal person!"

Spicey McHaggis said:
I really wanna know what was going through the guy who shoved a bobby pin in his dick because he couldn't get an erection.
Click to expand...

Acupuncture, probably.
 
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This is old but gold:

The Concrete Enema
It provided the title for Chuck’s classic 1996 collection of weird news (and if you don't have Chuck's book you really should do yourself a favor and get it. It deserves to be in every home library). However, we’ve never posted about the incident itself here on WU. So I thought I'd remedy that oversight.

In 1987, two doctors reported an unusual case in The American Journal of Forensic Medicine and Pathology. It involved a 20-year-old man who had shown up at an emergency room complaining of rectal pain. Examination of his rectum revealed a “hard stony mass,” and eventually the patient disclosed how the mass had gotten there:

The patient said that approximately 4 h earlier he and his boyfriend had been “fooling around.” After stirring a batch of concrete mix, the patient laid on his back with his feet against the wall at a 45° angle while his boyfriend poured the mixture through a funnel into his rectum. After the concrete mass hardened, it became so painful that he sought medical care.

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Remarkably, the doctors were able to remove the concrete mass without any damage to the patient's rectum. It had formed a perfect cast of the interior of the rectum, even showing “grooves produced by mucosal folds.”

Removal revealed another unusual detail: a ping-pong ball mixed in with the concrete. Apparently the patient didn’t explain what the ball was doing there. The doctors hypothesized that it had been "inserted after the enema as a plug to promote retention… Instead, peristaltic contractions forced the air-filled plastic ball deeper into the hardening concrete, accounting for its location in the upper end of the mass."

1987concrete02.jpg


After resting overnight, the patient was able to leave the hospital the following morning, no worse for wear. One can only hope that he had learned a valuable life lesson: that it's really not a good idea to use concrete as an enema.

I wonder what became of the concrete enema. Was it thrown away in the trash? This seems most likely. Or perhaps it's sitting in a box in a medical archive. Or, and this is my favorite idea, perhaps one of the doctors saved it to use as a paperweight. Whatever the case may be, if it still survives it definitely would be a great exhibit to include in a museum of the weird.

More info: Peter J. Stephens and Mark L. Taff. (1987). “Rectal Impaction Following Enema with Concrete Mix.” The American Journal of Forensic Medicine and Pathology, 8(2): 179-182.

Article here.

Click to expand...

:drink::drink::drink:
 
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neverendingmidi said:
Honestly not as entertaining as last year. I traumatized a coworker reading off last years list and the domino in the penis broke his brain. I can still make him twitch just saying "domino".

I liked the heavy sarcasm, at least to me, in the line:
  • “PATIENT STATES HE STATES SLIPPED IN THE SHOWER AND LANDED ON A METAL AIR FRESHENER CAN AND IT WENT INTO RECTUM”
I can just imagine the nurses, doctors, etc. etc. etc. rolling their eyes as they write down that excuse.
Click to expand...

I once had to attend A&E due to a rectal bleed, get in the room and the doctor informs me she'll have to get a supervisor as she needs to do a rectal exam (for legal reasons so i can't claim she molested me). So I get in position and when she comes back she says 'oh have you had this done before?' to which I replied 'not under these circumstances' with a wink

She went bright red and couldn't make eye contact for the rest of the appointment. So yes you can actually shock A&E doctors, or atleast some of them
 
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