Star Wars Griefing Thread (SPOILERS) - Safety off

[Somnius]

Okay, quick question, if all I want is to see based Ian chew the scenery as Sheev and am willing to dismiss everything else (this trilogy pretty much died to me with Last Jedi) will I be at least a little entertained?

 

[AnOminous]

Absolutely every single alien character in this new off-brand Star Wars canon is hideous. Every. Single. One.
What is wrong with these designers.

Ralph McQuarrie is either spinning in his grave hard enough to use as a gyroscope, or just glad he died before he got to see this garbage.

 

[TheManLol]

Okay, quick question, if all I want is to see based Ian chew the scenery as Sheev and am willing to dismiss everything else (this trilogy pretty much died to me with Last Jedi) will I be at least a little entertained?

Sadly no. Sheev is definitely the best part about this movie, but he isn't quite as hammy as he should be (like nowhere near as ridiculous as Revenge of the Sith) nor does he have enough screen time to constitute a ticket, which was a big reason I even saw it in the first place. Just wait for people to start posting his clips on youtube, don't see this boring pile of shit.

 

[Ihavetinyweewee]

He probably did it just for fun at this point given how shit this universe is.

It's because he made some good shit 20 years ago and Hollywood is exceptional and full of dead wood.

It's like Spielburg, except while Spielburg lost his touch directing, he still is actually pretty good as a producer since he still has some talent in spotting what is likely to be a good project.

I don't think Smith is shilling for a Star Wars movie. I don't think he wants one: he would be terrified of doing one. It would be a paralysing experience for him...

Plus, if he does something poor(extremely likely): it destroys whatever is left of his "geek gimmick"...

I think it's simply shilling out over hollywood relationships and keeping good graces with Disney.

So, if he has his own projects: they can throw him some cash down the road...

 

[Iceland Heavy]

I decided to do what apparently nobody at Lucasfilm bothered to do, which is to do a little research into why Disney's Death Sith Star Destroyers are fucking stupid. Warning, turbo-powered autism ahead. I decided to put it in a spoiler because it ended up longer than I thought it would.

Spoiler: sci-fi ship sperging

The Eclipse has been another of my favorite designs since seeing it in one of the old Essential Guides when I was a wee skel. Part of what made it interesting to me was the fact that it had its own superlaser mounted on the front, albeit at a lower power than the old Death Stars. As opposed to the Death Star completely obliterating a target planet, the Eclipse could only break through planetary shields, crack a planet's crust, or wipe out a smaller area of a planet. Nothing to sneeze at, and it could definitely wreak havoc on an enemy fleet.

Its superlaser is described as "two-thirds the power of one of the Death Star's superlaser components," so it's effectively one-twelfth the power of the Death Star. Construction began about the time of the Battle of Yavin, and wasn't completed until a decade later, partly due to Palpatine's apparent demise, partly due to its sheer scale. Some Imperial navy officers wanted to scrap it and use the parts for a number of standard Star Destroyers, showing just how expensive this thing was to build.

Now for some basic quick-and-dirty calculations. This isn't going to be 100% accurate, but humor me.

The Death Star is 120 kilometers in diameter. Cutaway schematics show that the superlaser components don't go through the whole station, but from the core to the dish, so we'll say that the total length is about 60 kilometers. If we just make the assumption that the power of the superlaser scales linearly with its length, then a superlaser one-twelfth of the power would be five kilometers long.

The Eclipse is 17 kilometers in length, and we're told that the superlaser components run the length of the ship. That sounds feasible to me, since it's over triple the length of my theoretical 1/12 superlaser. In addition, advancements in technology could help some with miniaturization, further keeping this believable.

Now let's look at JJ's donut steel Star Destroyers. Somehow, Sheev has built an entire armada of these ships over the past thirty years, each one armed with a full-power superlaser that can obliterate a planet just as well as the Death Star could. And they can do this despite being not that much bigger than a regular Star Destroyer. But how bad is this disparity? The only way we can find out is through more autism math.

A regular Imperial-class Star Destroyer is 1600 meters long, while the donut steel Star Destroyers are 2400 meters long, barely 50% longer, or only 1/7 the length of the Eclipse. That would be bad enough for this argument, but it gets worse.

Unlike the Eclipse, the entirety of the superlaser's components extend only about half the length of the ship, so we'll be generous and say 1200 meters, or 1/14 the length of the Eclipse, or 1/50 the length of the Death Star's superlaser. We're supposed to believe that the power of an entire Death Star could be shrunken down and squeezed into something that's only 2% its size? Come the fuck on.

Now I'm willing to accept that there would be advancements over the course of about thirty years that could lead to smaller superlasers. New strides are being made all the time in our world, so it's not unreasonable to assume the same in Star Wars. But even if we take that into account as a plausible explanation (which I don't fully), the cost of building hundreds or thousands of these mini-Death Stars is just ludicrous, not to mention the time investment. The Death Star took twenty years to build and over a trillion credits, and the Eclipse required over a decade to complete a single ship. This stupid Sith fleet would have probably cost way more than a single Death Star to produce, and unless Sheev managed to kidnap half the galaxy in secret to work on them, completing this whole fleet in thirty years is unfeasible. And no, "he just had droids do it" doesn't work as an excuse since Palpatine had to kidnap a bunch of wookiees to build the first Death Star (which I think is still canonical to Disney Wars? The Star Wars wiki has it listed in Disney canon as the "pacification of Kashyyyk" and happening at the same time as the old battle, but with no further details).

JJ and company want to just handwave this all away with the whole "it's a fantasy story, it doesn't have to make sense" excuse, but even fantasy stories have some form of internal consistency. I put a modicum of thought into why this premise doesn't really work, which is apparently more than anyone working on the story did. If an idle thought (that admittedly took about an hour to fully research) blows apart a key idea in your plot, then you're clearly not putting in enough effort.

tl;dr: JJ is a hack and I wonder if this design was some elaborate prank by a disgruntled Lucasfilm employee to get Star Destroyers with dicks in a movie.

And even if we're going by rule of cool, those old EU designs were way cooler than the watered down bullshit Disney's given us. I always liked the Eclipses and the general concept of a ship weapon so large it has to be spinally mounted along the entire length of the ship is pretty metal to me. The Eclipses weren't just Executor SSDs with a superlaser jammed into them, they were their own unique designs which had to be much thicker to accommodate their weaponry and were also pretty underpowered propulsion-wise as a result. The 'Death Star Destroyers' might as well be just regular ISDs stretched and with a big gun lazily photoshopped onto the bottom and the TLJ Dreadnought they're apparently derived from look even worse even if they're more of an original design.

 

[Iwasamwillbe]

The Rise of Skywalker is now breaking even. It is grossing $572.1 million to its $275 million budget.

 

[X-Shaped Weeaboo]

Disney should have flushed this franchise down the drain the second it became obvious that the most popluar thing about The Force Awakens was a random fuck-off Stormtrooper and not anything else.

Even now, TR-8R is the highlight of the new trilogy, and as much as I still love him, that's just fucking sad.

 

[Somnius]

Sadly no. Sheev is definitely the best part about this movie, but he isn't quite as hammy as he should be (like nowhere near as ridiculous as Revenge of the Sith) nor does he have enough screen time to constitute a ticket, which was a big reason I even saw it in the first place. Just wait for people to start posting his clips on youtube, don't see this boring pile of shit.

Honestly I'm probably going to be stuck seeing it with my mom (I've gone with her to see each of the movies in the trilogy so far) so was just hoping for some Sheevy goodness.

 

[Adamska]

Bruh Pokemon almost screwed things up with Sword and Shield because of the push for annual mainline games, Disney's going to either make it worse, or maybe it could help and actually get Pokemon more spinoffs, those were always fun. Not to mention that this is based out in Japan while most of everything else Disney bought is based in the States.

I'd actually argue that Sword and Shield are fine games and at least in the middle of the pack (I don't think X and Y are that good tbh), and that speds who reee about it don't realize that they have 1k+ pokemon they'd have to fucking code and try to balance out (like they had to with earlier gens by upping their stats). Their decision to loop the batch they code to save time and have a storage shed for your guys in between on the switch was actually a clever workaround and time saver imo.

Anyways, back to Star Wars.

Seriously, Marvel? Your pet lesbian takes down the Dark Lord of the Sith while sitting on her ass and making "I fucking love science" quips?

Say what you will about that one Dark Horse story where Boba Fett throws down with Darth Vader, but they did Vader the courtesy of making it manifestly evident that Fett was in for the fight of his life, and had to use every last skill and trick in his arsenal to stay alive, as opposed to...whatever the fuck is going on in that Marvel comic.

That panel makes me full on hate the character into near the level of exogol (I only normally hated her until I saw this) and I now will laugh as she never sells and will refuse to watch or touch anything with her in it. That's why I fully expect they're gonna shove this noncanon pile of shit into the Mandalorian and wonder why their views tank.

 

[Cemila Mandes]

That would've been nice too, but I think Filoni did eventually intend to remake the Kenobi/Maul fight. Although it might've worked better as the finale of the Filoni Wars than a one shot side episode in Aladdin's Rebels which was toned down as fuck and made worse by Aladdin's presence.

I'm sure there was always going to be a remake of the Obi-Wan/Maul fight, but I suspect that it was intended to take place in TCW before its cancellation caused the fight to be moved to Rebels. Don't know how much of a fight it would have been either. One of the things I really liked about the non-canon comic was Obi-Wan dominated the fight because he was now a Jedi Master. As he pointed out, he was no longer a Padawan and Maul was no match for him.

 

[Judge Holden]

And even if we're going by rule of cool, those old EU designs were way cooler than the watered down bullshit Disney's given us. I always liked the Eclipses and the general concept of a ship weapon so large it has to be spinally mounted along the entire length of the ship is pretty metal to me. The Eclipses weren't just Executor SSDs with a superlaser jammed into them, they were their own unique designs which had to be much thicker to accommodate their weaponry and were also pretty underpowered propulsion-wise as a result. The 'Death Star Destroyers' might as well be just regular ISDs stretched and with a big gun lazily photoshopped onto the bottom and the TLJ Dreadnought they're apparently derived from look even worse even if they're more of an original design.

So we have officially entered the stage of wistfully reminiscing about the endless super-duper-planetkiller-ships the old EU shat out every week....christ this franchise really was raped to fucking death by the empire of rats wasnt it?

 

[TheManLol]

Is it just me, or does anyone else find the sequel-era ships so fucking ugly? Literally every ship that wasn't a retread of a classic OT-era starship looks like it was designed by an 8 year old.

I don't know, I just find these designs either bland, impractical, or both.

 

[Scarlett Johansson]

I want to mention Ackmena, widely seen to be the best part of the Holiday Special. Much to my surprise Beatrice Arthur loved doing it. She said it was a grand old time and although she said she was never into Star Wars, she did remark that "Well, thanks. It's odd. I've gotten so many letters and requests for autographed photos from that thing. I just remember singing to bunch of people with funny heads." and she loved working with Korman.
One of the few things the EU got right was putting Ackmena in the main canon. I swear I remember reading she helped fight and save people but I can not find a trace of it. Apparently she was still running the bar though, and they made her lesbian without making it the defining trait...for once.

 

[RomanesEuntDomus]

The Rise of Skywalker is now breaking even. It is grossing $572.1 million to its $275 million budget.

The only sad part about this trilogy is that it still has enough popularity by its franchise alone to attract enough people to watch it to break even very quickly.

But maybe we will see a great reduction of audiences, would be nice if it didn't get past 1bn dollars in the end. What we can hope for is that this broke the spell and people won't flock to another Star Wars movie for a long time, since people are done with it.

This one looks like an old NES with a couple legos stuck to its side and the Dreadnaught looks like a slice of pizza. You forgot to mention those flimsy useless shitbuckets used on Not-Hoth.

The only design that I actually like is, ironically enough, that shitty bomber from TLJ. It's super weak, has the stupidest armament ever seen in Star Wars, but the overall design is kinda nice. What can I say, I just love ball-turrets.

 

[Jaimas]

Regarding Darth Maul, Robot Chicken showed the only way he should have ever come back:
View attachment 1069874 "At last we shall have our revenge..."

The big problem with Starship design in Soy Wars is the fact that bigger does not always equal better.

Sure, Saberhagen had Berserkers that were the size of Australia, but those things never entered atmosphere. Sure, Saberhagen and Niven and a *few* others had weapons that used FTL engines (The infamous C+ Cannon in Berserker where the slugs hit more as quasi-real mathematical "packets" than actual physical objects) but they were at least decently thought out and were main guns on heavy cruisers for Terran forces and main guns on Berserkers.

When you get to "Death Star Lasers! OH EM GEE!" you'd be better off served with firing fucking tungsten rods at surface targets. Hell, even the Bolo "Hellbore" is more energy efficient and more effective than the "Death Star Laser" would be aboard the ship.

And while I'm sure that destroying planets sounds all super-villiany to the writers of Soy Wars and to absolute faggots like Chuck Wendig (God, I fucking hate him), it doesn't make much sense.

See, there's no fun to being an evil overlord IF YOU HAVE NOBODY TO LORD IT OVER!

As to the question "How many Medal of Honor Winners can you name?"
Quite a few. But Luke goes past Medal of Honor winner and into fucking legendary status. He was tailor made for propaganda. Everyone saw Zero Dark Thirty and Blackhawk Down. Hell, even the Thrawn books talk about how protestors put up a beacon where the Death Star was destroyed to call Luke a war criminal for killing all the Imperials on the Death Star.

But putting real life propaganda into question with Soy Wars during Current Year +3 Clown World Timeline Special is an exercise in futility.

The whole goddamn last 3 movies are exceptional to the point that if you have more brains than soy you start questioning things. And those questions don't have answers and what answers are given are flat and don't make sense.

Like I said before, it's sad that Robot fucking Chicken of all things was more respectful to the original material and hangs together with canon better than anything Soy Wars produced.

"You will ride this unicycle and refer to yourself as Mary..."

That's the part that's fucking retarded. Star Destroyers could already bombard shit from orbit. I knew this shit from dad. Time for a little history lesson, regarding the OT. Do you remember in Empire, when the Imperials had to send AT-ATs to attack the rebel base on Hoth to bring down the shield generator?

That was because the shield it was generating was designed to protect the base from orbital bombardment. Without that shield up, the Empire could bombard the base with impunity and effortlessly destroy any fleeing transports or freighters. So what this means is that with tech that existed during the galactic civil war, the Empire could already glass basically any planet that opposed them with impunity. So what do these new Star Destroyers have over the old one? Apparently not a fuck of a lot, considering the standard Imperial class self-evidently has more weapons than these new ones that are apparently double the size, except that they each apparently have a superlaser for no discernable reason.

 

[Old Man Mario]

I wonder if it was just Bryce Howard's piss poor directing that torpedoed her performace? Not to mention, episode 4 sucks, so whatever...

Her Daddy is just as overrated and she only gets cast due to him and that sweet red bush of hers.

She looked pretty nice naked back in the day.

I don't think Smith is shilling for a Star Wars movie. I don't think he wants one: he would be terrified of doing one. It would be a paralysing experience for him...

Plus, if he does something poor(extremely likely): it destroys whatever is left of his "geek gimmick"...

I think it's simply shilling out over hollywood relationships and keeping good graces with Disney.

So, if he has his own projects: they can throw him some cash down the road...

Kevin can only do well with his own characters. The exception being how he reintroduced Green Arrow back in the early 2000s.

I can't wait for him to fuck up Masters of the Universe. Will be woke as fuck yet somehow Skeletor will manage to fart and there will be pot jokes.

I'm sure he will have 20 different podcasts talking about whatever he does. He really likes the sound of his own voice, doesn't he?

 

[Jet Fuel Johnny]

That's the part that's fucking exceptional. Star Destroyers could already bombard shit from orbit. I knew this shit from dad. Time for a little history lesson, regarding the OT. Do you remember in Empire, when the Imperials had to send AT-ATs to attack the rebel base on Hoth to bring down the shield generator?

That was because the shield it was generating was designed to protect the base from orbital bombardment. Without that shield up, the Empire could bombard the base with impunity and effortlessly destroy any fleeing transports or freighters. So what this means is that with tech that existed during the galactic civil war, the Empire could already glass basically any planet that opposed them with impunity. So what do these new Star Destroyers have over the old one? Apparently not a fuck of a lot, considering the standard Imperial class self-evidently has more weapons than these new ones that are apparently double the size, except that they each apparently have a superlaser for no discernable reason.

These people need to read some of the old military sci-fi that covers planetary bombardment, drop ship landings, all that good shit.

Hell, even reading Warhammer 40K stuff (SPACE MARINES!) might help them.

But I guess when your military knowledge begins and ends at "Guns bad" then you might not be able to write a believable epic about a galaxy-wide war.

And that's what they really left out. It didn't feel like a war. It felt like a tard slap-fight.

You knew the Empire had thousands of ships, dozens of star destroyers, millions of troops, hundreds of star systems under their control. You could believe that at any given second on the screen, even if the OT protagonists were drinking beer, somewhere else there was a massive battle going on that the fate of a star system hung in the balance. You knew that the troops on Hoth weren't the only troops of the Rebellion, just the main figureheads of the Rebellion leadership (Luke, Leia, Han) that were worth killing to knock out command/control and score massive PR boosts.

"Tonight, on Empire-Live, we have dramatic footage of the battlefield execution of the war-criminal Luke Skywalker, who cravenly murdered tens of thousands of honest construction workers working on the Empires planetary prosperity project...."

They mentioned that the Rebellion in ESB was getting the shit kicked out of it across most fronts, which made the loss on Hoth emblematic to the watcher of the Rebellion's successes/failure on the galatic front.

It felt like a war.

Soy Wars, on the other hand, felt like two tards having a slap fight in McDonald's over the color of the arms of the Sonic toy.

There was no weight to anything. Even in TLJ, when you find out that the pathetic amount of ships is the ENTIRE REEEEsistance fleet, you roll your eyes and wonder what the fuck these guys are even being bothered with for. And if they're too incompetent to fill the tanks on their estrogen cruisers, how are they competent enough to fight a fucking war?

Really, if you're going to write a space epic saga around a galactic war, it should have the war as a back drop to everything. Fuel prices, the condition of equipment, defeats and victories being mentioned in throwaway lines, new ship classes, the whole nine yards.

But, nope, gotta focus the entire war on MaREy Suewalker and the Janitor in a Drum.

 

[Shroom King]

Her Daddy is just as overrated and she only gets cast due to him and that sweet red bush of hers.

She looked pretty nice naked back in the day.


Kevin can only do well with his own characters. The exception being how he reintroduced Green Arrow back in the early 2000s.

I can't wait for him to fuck up Masters of the Universe. Will be woke as fuck yet somehow Skeletor will manage to fart and there will be pot jokes.

I'm sure he will have 20 different podcasts talking about whatever he does. He really likes the sound of his own voice, doesn't he?

I did a quick search:

The new series, titled “Masters of the Universe: Revelation,” will take place in the Mattel toy inspired world and will focus on some of the unresolved storylines of the classic ‘80s show.

What unresolved storylines? He-man punches bad guy and tells his friends not to be fuck-ups in life at the end of each episode. You don't need to smoke an 1/8th of weed a day to figure that out.

 

[Iceland Heavy]

So we have officially entered the stage of wistfully reminiscing about the endless super-duper-planetkiller-ships the old EU shat out every week....christ this franchise really was raped to fucking death by the empire of rats wasnt it?

I certainly wasn't a fan of all of them, just the Eclipse. The Sun Crusher for example is one thing I'm glad is gone even though JJ decided to go full retard in the opposite direction with Starkiller Base.

 

[Sayon]

The Unmaking of Star Wars: Why Progressives Killed It and How

The Rise of Skywalker hits theaters this weekend, and Bill Whittle sees nothing rising -- but rather an epic unmaking of a once-great story. Here's why Progr...

www.youtube.com

I just found about this video. It's interesting enough. And found the bit where he says that they made the Messiah from the Devil a rather intriguing spin.