The Horrors of the "Professional" World - Stories that will make you wonder how we exist.

[snuffleupagus]

This week’s alcoholic binge level drinking was brought to you by my project’s engineers.

 

[Monika H.]

My sister-in-law is an engineer, and since she's ex-army too she does maintenance shifts at a women's prison.
We all know that prisons aren't exactly pretty places, but the one SIL works in has a very big "special needs" wing, and the inmates here are more taken care of rather than jailed. For some of them, a prison sentence in that place it's actually better than the hospital - hospitals here are understaffed and don't have some kind of equipment necessary that instead prisons do have (keep in mind I live in an ex Warsaw Pact country, so some things may sound strange to Westerners).
That's not the horror story though. The horror stories come from one of her work mates that's a guard, who in her ten something years of service saw some pretty vile shit. Sometimes they hang out to drink something and she tells stories.

Spoiler: Svastikas made with shit

Pretty self-explanatory. This happened in the mental wing of the prison SIL works in. One of the inmates chimped out and drew three big svastikas with her own shit. Took three guards to restrain and sedate her and six hours to clean the walls.

Spoiler: Sadistic guards

This happened at another, pretty big prison and even made national headlines. This prison is mostly male with a small female wing, but nonetheless the 3/4 of the guards are women. You think that the big problem would be male inmates trying to assault/rape female guards. Well, here stuff works the other way around - in Soviet Russia, female guard molests male prisoner.
And that's a what happened. Three female guards ganged up on a slow-in-the-mind prisoner one night, mostly beating him but also putting out cigarettes on his bald scalp and shoving a nightstick up his ass. They shoved it so deep they couldn't take it out and it messed the guy's bowels. The whole thing reached "Ilsa the she wolf of the SS" levels.
They later alleged that the guy had tried to assault one of them and the other two intervened, but the extent of the abuse and the fact that the guy was a complete retard, in because he literally stole toys quickly disproved that.
It never ceases to amaze me how the white man is regarded as the utmost evil, but invariably some women prove they can be much worse, given the chance.

That's all for now. Will post others when I hear and/or remember them.

 

[Token Weeaboo]

Spoiler: Sadistic guards

This happened at another, pretty big prison and even made national headlines. This prison is mostly male with a small female wing, but nonetheless the 3/4 of the guards are women. You think that the big problem would be male inmates trying to assault/rape female guards. Well, here stuff works the other way around - in Soviet Russia, female guard molests male prisoner.
And that's a what happened. Three female guards ganged up on a slow-in-the-mind prisoner one night, mostly beating him but also putting out cigarettes on his bald scalp and shoving a nightstick up his ass. They shoved it so deep they couldn't take it out and it messed the guy's bowels. The whole thing reached "Ilsa the she wolf of the SS" levels.
They later alleged that the guy had tried to assault one of them and the other two intervened, but the extent of the abuse and the fact that the guy was a complete exceptional individual, in because he literally stole toys quickly disproved that.
It never ceases to amaze me how the white man is regarded as the utmost evil, but invariably some women prove they can be much worse, given the chance.

I usually hear stories like this with the guards being more brutal to the prisoners- but what the fuck. Can you imagine stealing toys then suddenly finding out those toys are heading you straight to an unconsenting BDSM dungeon disguised as a prison. I feel really bad for that guy- holy crap.

 

[TFT-A9]

I just taught my boss how to use Ctrl+C and Ctrl+V. He had been manually entering in shipping lists from company missives. What the actual fuck.

 

[Monika H.]

I usually hear stories like this with the guards being more brutal to the prisoners- but what the fuck. Can you imagine stealing toys then suddenly finding out those toys are heading you straight to an unconsenting BDSM dungeon disguised as a prison. I feel really bad for that guy- holy crap.

I could have understood if he was a rapist or a pedo, but he was literally a giant manchild.
But that said, prison guards are there to discipline but also protect inmates, not abuse them.

 

[Bassomatic]

This is close to topic but it's more a sweet victory ending than some of the horrors I dealt with, one day if I feel like it I'll write some of them up as there was insane shit day in day out at this job.

But @NOT Sword Fighter Super requested this one so here goes.

I snapped at this bad job, where I was told signing up, I will not move up, I will only get yearly inflation raises etc. I started at a dead end, it was a trying time in life and well I thought I'd be doing some good for the world, my investments and savings float me as I rebuild my sanity and all plus it paid the bills so ok for a bit.

Shit was awful, really bad. So I started feeling out something better (like rubbing my face in broken glass for change) I thankfully have a good back round in education and work skills so was able to snag something quickly. For what ever reason, deep down I can't be as much a scum bag as I'd like. But I'm still a nigger at heart as all us kiwis are when push comes to shove.

I started just being openly hostile for a few days once I had a exit date set and then went out of my way to suck up to everyone and mention how rough home life is yada yada. So I got some free pity points, I'd need them. I wanted to give a giant rage out fuck off to my boss but as I said, some parts of me just can't be that cruel. So I figured I'd do the professional thing and give my two weeks. Well, it wasn't that kind.

The day I plan on dipping out, I putz around all morning and wait for my cube mate to go to lunch, I grab a box and take my hand ful of trinkets and chuck em in my car and sit and eat my lunch alone, I think I played flash games for most of the afternoon instead of doing anything.

I strolled my self to HR and painted my tale of woe again, and asked for some time off made up this story about some little get away like a ski trip or some shit. Handed in vacation time and signed it sweet off for next 2 weeks! You know what else is 2 weeks? My phone is a dual sim, I take the work sim out and throw it away because why not I don't want to hear from these niggers ever again. I tell our HR guy I'll pass the info on myself since my boss is gonna be really pissed but he knows more about my issues. He figures ok and doesn't think more of it.

I stroll my ass out about 2 hours early because fuck it why not? Then I send my boss two emails, one my vacation the other , a short professional resignation letter. I logged out of the server from my house and haven't spoken to a single one of those fucks since.

Most amazingly, they hassle free put in my last pay check, closed/fwded my 401k and health care shit.

Spoiler: tl;dr

I put in for vacation same time I quit so I just walked the fuck away leaving a nice empty spot no good bye no nothing

 

[TheImportantFart]

Someone keeps leaving Pandora’s Boxes in the toilets at work. This is when someone rains absolute hellfire on the bowl, such that a simple flush won’t dispose of it, and then rather than dealing with it, they just shut the lid and leave it for the next person to find when they foolishly lift the lid and unleash the horrors within. I don’t know if it’s the same person doing it and if so whether they’re trolling or just fucking lazy, but it’s happened three fucking times over the last week. Either way, someone (or a few people) needs to see a bowel specialist.

 

[Ginger Piglet]

Someone keeps leaving Pandora’s Boxes in the toilets at work. This is when someone rains absolute hellfire on the bowl, such that a simple flush won’t dispose of it, and then rather than dealing with it, they just shut the lid and leave it for the next person to find when they foolishly lift the lid and unleash the horrors within. I don’t know if it’s the same person doing it and if so whether they’re trolling or just fucking lazy, but it’s happened three fucking times over the last week. Either way, someone (or a few people) needs to see a bowel specialist.

Is that what they're called? That's a good one. I steal and submit to Roger's Profanisaurus.

But yeah, leaving the chod bin full of bangers and mash is pretty fucking gruesome.

 

[TheImportantFart]

Is that what they're called? That's a good one. I steal and submit to Roger's Profanisaurus.

It’s my own terminology. Do not steal.

Glad to see there’s a fellow Viz connoisseur.

 

[NOT Sword Fighter Super]

I just taught my boss how to use Ctrl+C and Ctrl+V. He had been manually entering in shipping lists from company missives. What the actual fuck.

I remember seeing "Unfriended", and the thing that pissed me off most about that movie was that none of those shithead kids knew how to use keyboard shortcuts. I mean, I know it was being used for dramatic effect, but it still annoyed the fuck out of me.

So here's my story: Myself and a bunch of my coworkers we very upset that management was forcing us to work every third weekend instead of once a month like we always did, so we complained high enough up that we got a sit down meeting with upper management.

Of course in addition to the reason we were there, we brought up a bunch of other issues, both major and minor. One issue we brought up was about us expecting to be on call until 4:00am because driving when you're tired can be dangerous as each of us had an example of a time when we knew we were too tired to be behind the wheel. We each have different methods to jolt us back awake: I keep a small bottle of hot sauce in my side door for drinking, I have a giant fucking bottle of niacin in my center console, as well as some Nicorette gum (I don't smoke so it will really wake me the fuck up if I need it).

Anyway after listening to all our gripes about our personal safety for driving while exhausted/tired as well as extreme weather conditions our idiot HR manager said "Well, that's what insurance is for". Now I might be willing to give her the benefits of the doubt that maybe she thought our concern was for our vehicles although that would mean she really wasn't paying attention, but we all took that as 'we don't give a shit about you and you're all replaceable'. Which I've since found out is definitely NOT TRUE because a coworker of mine was caught drunk driving while not working and had his license suspended. Rather than firing him like you would expect, my company was so desperate for employees that they fucking hired somebody to drive him around until he managed to get his license back! Granted, I wasn't supposed to know about that, but a manager accidentally let it slip around me, which ended up making a bunch of other weird things about this guy make sense.

I guess the good thing about all that is I would basically have to kill somebody to lose my job, so I guess that's good.

Spoiler: TL;DR

The company I work for sucks and is so exceptional they can't even make it convincingly look like they give a shit about their employees.

 

[neverendingmidi]

I remember seeing "Unfriended", and the thing that pissed me off most about that movie was that none of those shithead kids knew how to use keyboard shortcuts. I mean, I know it was being used for dramatic effect, but it still annoyed the fuck out of me.

So here's my story: Myself and a bunch of my coworkers we very upset that management was forcing us to work every third weekend instead of once a month like we always did, so we complained high enough up that we got a sit down meeting with upper management.

Of course in addition to the reason we were there, we brought up a bunch of other issues, both major and minor. One issue we brought up was about us expecting to be on call until 4:00am because driving when you're tired can be dangerous as each of us had an example of a time when we knew we were too tired to be behind the wheel. We each have different methods to jolt us back awake: I keep a small bottle of hot sauce in my side door for drinking, I have a giant fucking bottle of niacin in my center console, as well as some Nicorette gum (I don't smoke so it will really wake me the fuck up if I need it).

Anyway after listening to all our gripes about our personal safety for driving while exhausted/tired as well as extreme weather conditions our idiot HR manager said "Well, that's what insurance is for". Now I might be willing to give her the benefits of the doubt that maybe she thought our concern was for our vehicles although that would mean she really wasn't paying attention, but we all took that as 'we don't give a shit about you and you're all replaceable'. Which I've since found out is definitely NOT TRUE because a coworker of mine was caught drunk driving while not working and had his license suspended. Rather than firing him like you would expect, my company was so desperate for employees that they fucking hired somebody to drive him around until he managed to get his license back! Granted, I wasn't supposed to know about that, but a manager accidentally let it slip around me, which ended up making a bunch of other weird things about this guy make sense.

I guess the good thing about all that is I would basically have to kill somebody to lose my job, so I guess that's good.

Spoiler: TL;DR

The company I work for sucks and is so exceptional they can't even make it convincingly look like they give a shit about their employees.

I give you all the feels. I was stuck working 10 hr days, 13 days straight (there was a rule that we couldn't work 14 days straight, so we got every second Sunday off) for 8 months. I was so worn down I ended up passing out on a Saturday after work at three pm, and didn't wake until 8 in the morning Sunday.

 

[Kiwi Lime Pie]

Today, I learned that one of the contractors for one of my dayjob clients has been trying to use the random number assigned to his corporation name by the state as his Federal Employer Identification Number even though the two numbers are completely distinct and unrelated to each other. I'm hoping we can get the correct Federal EIN before the January 31 deadline because the IRS decided forms 1099-MISC for contractors will no longer be eligible for extensions starting this year.

The same client, who is in the processes of closing their business, also sent in forms for a workers comp payroll audit that the insurance company is insisting on even though the company had neither employees nor payroll for the three months in question.

 

[vertexwindi]

So here's my story: Myself and a bunch of my coworkers we very upset that management was forcing us to work every third weekend instead of once a month like we always did, so we complained high enough up that we got a sit down meeting with upper management.

I had that issue once. Right before I started working I told my interviewer/supervisor that I required structure from my job to work well, and what does that asshole do? "Hey @vertexwindi we're gonna need you to work late on certain Fridays." OK well fuck. Then he never even gave me my fucking schedule so I arrived at my job without realizing I was two hours early and wasn't allowed to leave at my usual time. This was after several instances of my supervisor acting like a cock so I just went home and shut off my phone for a few hours because I was too fucking angry to respond to the question "where are you going" or "where did you disappear to" without using the words "I hope nobody shows up to your funeral, you enormous cocksucking fuckface".

Only when I told them I'm quitting did they apologize for that dickmove. "Oops sorry we meant to ask IF you can work late", yeah go choke on a sperm whale's cock.

 

[Pope Negro Joe the XIIIth]

I had that issue once. Right before I started working I told my interviewer/supervisor that I required structure from my job to work well, and what does that asshole do? "Hey @vertexwindi we're gonna need you to work late on certain Fridays." OK well fuck. Then he never even gave me my fucking schedule so I arrived at my job without realizing I was two hours early and wasn't allowed to leave at my usual time. This was after several instances of my supervisor acting like a cock so I just went home and shut off my phone for a few hours because I was too fucking angry to respond to the question "where are you going" or "where did you disappear to" without using the words "I hope nobody shows up to your funeral, you enormous cocksucking fuckface".

Only when I told them I'm quitting did they apologize for that dickmove. "Oops sorry we meant to ask IF you can work late", yeah go choke on a sperm whale's cock.

This seems like a common thing. Back at one of my old jobs, when I hired in they told me two weekend days a month, 6 months later it became 4, 2 months after that they tried to tell us we didn't get days off anymore.

I just stopped showing up at that point.

 

[Godzilla1984]

Pro tip:
Get all your marching orders in writing.
Written procedure, email, blood pact to Satan, whatever.
Doesn't matter what the marching orders are.
Schedule, work flow, orifice to be given to the lord of darkness on the first Tuesday of the reporting quarter, whatever.
Even the basic, bog-standard stuff.
When your boss comes around to bitch at your for not meeting your KPI's or whatever, show them their words with a 'you told me to' enough times, they'll either take the hint or THEY end up eating their words in the form of a pink slip down the line.
I am currently on boss SIX at my workplace.
For the record, I like my current boss.
But man, down the coke or up the Ritalin, at this point I don't care which.

 

[yasscat]

I just applied for a job at the company I worked for before I went back to law school.
The things I do for love (and the ability to get a bangin apartment in the city with mr. yasscat)...

 

[XYZpdq]

so I'm doing work on The Total Pro Action Tool Show, the paid programming for Total Pro Action Tool that talks about how fucking great Total Pro Action Tool is for professional Action Tool users like you, with a couple of guys who work in the field
part of the pitch for Total Pro Action Tool is that it's in this handy box, and you go to your sales meetings with this one box

And the person your selling too looks at it and asks "What's in the box"

then host 2 interrupts him and blurts out

WHAT'S IN THE BAWWWWKS /se7en

like seriously he did the voice and everything

 

[Doctor Placebo]

I'm not sure if this counts since it was college, aka training for the professional world, not the professional world itself, but taking some psych and teaching classes made me realize just how far those two professions are from hard science and how susceptible they are to stupid academic fads that turn out to be completely ass backwards ten years down the line.

Basically, teachers and psychiatrists' methods are based on theories pulled out of some big brained person's ass at some point with the hope that it will work, and depending on how much the intelligentsia who are the trend setters in that field love that theory because it aligns with their view of the world, that's how stubbornly they'll cling to it, regardless of what statistical evidence says about if it works or not. With education it's much worse though, because despite them clearly showing that educational theories and methods are constantly changing, the education system still demands that all teachers conform to whatever incredibly narrow techniques, methods, and criteria are popular at the moment. At least with psychiatry if you go into it you'll get a little freedom to experiment on your own within your personal practice. In education that almost never happens.

Right now in education, coddling is all the rage, structure is supposed to be incredibly loose, and you're never supposed to punish students for doing badly or reward them for doing well, FYI.

 

[XYZpdq]

>>client
>oh hey cool invoice bro call me
>>me
>ohshitohshitohshitohshitohshitohshitohshitohshitohshitohshitohshitohshit
>>client
>yeah so like long time no speak been paying you for a while now, like, what are you doing
>>me
>uhh been doing stuff. like, lots of it, for realz. hey caught that new thing you did totes awesome very big dick energy we gotta get some of that for that stuff I'm totally doing for you
>>client
>hell yeah let's do ten of it
exactly as keikaku

 

[Ginger Piglet]

About a year ago it became my lot in life to deal with this will dispute between three brothers. Our client was an executor of the Will, and one of the other brothers was upset that their father hadn't made reasonable provision in the Will for him.

What had their late father left this son of his?

I quote, "my least favourite shotgun, so he can shoot himself with it."