Tess Holliday / Ryann Maegen Hoven - Beached Landwhale model, Body positive and social justice snacktivist, and gigantic fraud

[Cheesegirl78]

It's not that it looks bad, it's just that of every ad I've seen, I've never seen a well known celebrity shill for them.

Most likely. Though I feel like in some cases she couldn't use it. Can you imagine her trying to fit under a throw blanket?

This is true. Or a waterproof Bluetooth speaker? There's no way she can fit in a standard shower enclosure.
Guess I'm just irritated that a fat, ungrateful slob like her gets them for free.

 

[SnarkySperg]

This is true. Or a waterproof Bluetooth speaker? There's no way she can fit in a standard shower enclosure.
Guess I'm just irritated that a fat, ungrateful slob like her gets them for free.

And then probably sells it on Depop. Is that even legal?

 

[Stupid Sexy Flanders]

Adding to that: Nick's tranny saga doesn't seem to be far off. Why work towards getting a job stateside and returning to have a relationship with your son/s, when you can struggle with gender presentation instead?
View attachment 1161862

Just remember Nick - those masc bears won't be willing to fist you at the S&M club if you turn tranny.

Although, maybe Tess will take him back for woke points and use her beetus riddled foot to dilate his new gash...

 

[John Milton]

View attachment 1162575

Those nails are a tragedy.

 

[melty]

Literally nothing about Tess says "sustainable lifestyle"

 

[Barbarella]

FFF will give influencers a box to talk about but it’s full of the leftover stuff. I don’t think Tess gets a free box monthly, I think she got the one-time influencers box.

Anybody who is a member can send one to a friend, btw

I’ve been a member about a year but the up selling drives me crazy so I think I’m done.
Bottom line, Tess made nothing, and anybody can do it.

 

[Tiny Clanger]

It's not that it looks bad, it's just that of every ad I've seen, I've never seen a well known celebrity shill for them.

Most likely. Though I feel like in some cases she couldn't use it. Can you imagine her trying to fit under a throw blanket?

That's their USP. If she collects long enough then sews them altogether she'll have enough to cover more than one nipple.

(Ha. As if Ten-Ton ever covers up anything)

Those nails are a tragedy.

I retract my statement about trainees.
I even retract my SlaveLene is doing them.

These are that bad the only possible option is Bowie.

Spoiler

Nail sperging cos triggered


1. Your nails shouldn't be half the width of your finger. Spesh not when your fingers are fat as all fuck.
2. Apex too far forward - this is the best one but that's relative. I guess at least it sorta tapers? Good job these are crap acrylics and she just sits on her arse all day, otherwise "AAAAARGHHH FUCK!!!!" is in her very near future.
3. Lovely smooth line. Really, a bomb crater is a design choice.
4. Everything. Hold me, kiwis.

Sometimes her nails just look like badly matched stick-ons, but these are acrylics - or possibly play-doh - that, at a guess, are plopped on as one bead without the right monomer mix so it hardens too fast. They're beyond really bad and into absolute beginner amateur territory, whoever did them hasn't even rectified the problems through filing which is kinda first lesson.

I've never seen such bad acrylics come out of even the shittest salon, but they're not really my thing. I just can't see how dip or even polygel can get you in that much of a mess whereas I can at least see how this horror could be achieved by acrylic. Theoretically.

The design itself is piss-easy. But unless some of you who know more about acrylics can say otherwise, I reckon these are an at-home job by someone who has a) no idea and b) no equipment.

In other words, just another day in the life of being a top soopah moddle.

 

[Water-T]

Tess is running out of cash and is resorting to letting Bowie do her nails now, I guess. Even Lee Press-On nails would look less cheap than those ghetto hoochie nails. They look like Tess Super-Glued on some almond shells and colored them with crayons.

 

[Cheesegirl78]

That's their USP. If she collects long enough then sews them altogether she'll have enough to cover more than one nipple.

(Ha. As if Ten-Ton ever covers up anything)



I retract my statement about trainees.
I even retract my SlaveLene is doing them.

These are that bad the only possible option is Bowie.

Spoiler

Nail sperging cos triggered

View attachment 1163507
1. Your nails shouldn't be half the width of your finger. Spesh not when your fingers are fat as all fuck.
2. Apex too far forward - this is the best one but that's relative. I guess at least it sorta tapers? Good job these are crap acrylics and she just sits on her arse all day, otherwise "AAAAARGHHH FUCK!!!!" is in her very near future.
3. Lovely smooth line. Really, a bomb crater is a design choice.
4. Everything. Hold me, kiwis.

Sometimes her nails just look like badly matched stick-ons, but these are acrylics - or possibly play-doh - that, at a guess, are plopped on as one bead without the right monomer mix so it hardens too fast. They're beyond really bad and into absolute beginner amateur territory, whoever did them hasn't even rectified the problems through filing which is kinda first lesson.

I've never seen such bad acrylics come out of even the shittest salon, but they're not really my thing. I just can't see how dip or even polygel can get you in that much of a mess whereas I can at least see how this horror could be achieved by acrylic. Theoretically.

The design itself is piss-easy. But unless some of you who know more about acrylics can say otherwise, I reckon these are an at-home job by someone who has a) no idea and b) no equipment.

In other words, just another day in the life of being a top soopah moddle.

I didn't notice the nails at first, but the more I look, I think Tess is now doing them herself.
Pretty bad when she doesn't have a spare $30 to go to a cheap Vietnamese salon, being that she's a soopah moddle.
Not there's anything wrong with the cheap salons, mine is cheap, does good work, and is quick.
But I get the feeling Tess was accustomed to higher-end salons where a set starts at $150.

 

[Barbarella]

If she’s not doing them herself, she may be getting acrylics at a teaching place. They let you “donate” your hair and nails so new stylists can learn on real people for about 5.00. The instructor is supposed to be there to control it but I’m guessing they may not pay close attention.

Having had acrylics, gels, and now the dip powders, I think only badly done acrylics get that thick and misshapen. Powder doesn’t and gel doesn’t, at least in my experience. It’s Tess’ taste to have such ugly colors. So I agree with @Water-T, Tess has a tech who hasn't learned how to shape And file the product yet.

If she’s going to do it at home and can’t afford 40.00 for nails in a Vietnamese strip mall store, then she should just buy some gel and a light. She won’t get those hideous bejeweled coffin nails she likes but most a-listers do simple, short manicures anyway.

 

[JuniperFalls]

FFS. Hopefully this is vague enough to not be "powerleveling": a couple years ago I wore fake fingernails as part of a Halloween costume -- don't recall the brand, but they were the cheapest ones available at a VERY cheap beauty-supply store, the kind only intended to stay on for a few hours -- I spent $6 for the nails and glue kit, plus a dollar for a bottle of acetone to remove them afterwards -- and my fakes looked a hell of a lot better than Tess' here. (A couple of the fakes were obviously a little too wide for the fingers in question, but if you looked at the from the side they were of normal thickness. Tess's nails look like she has one of those fungal infections that make the nails get thicker.)

Spoiler: Thick nail fungus (not safe for lunch)

 

[Cheesegirl78]

If she’s not doing them herself, she may be getting acrylics at a teaching place. They let you “donate” your hair and nails so new stylists can learn on real people for about 5.00. The instructor is supposed to be there to control it but I’m guessing they may not pay close attention.

Having had acrylics, gels, and now the dip powders, I think only badly done acrylics get that thick and misshapen. Powder doesn’t and gel doesn’t, at least in my experience. It’s Tess’ taste to have such ugly colors. So I agree with @Water-T, Tess has a tech who hasn't learned how to shape And file the product yet.

If she’s going to do it at home and can’t afford 40.00 for nails in a Vietnamese strip mall store, then she should just buy some gel and a light. She won’t get those hideous bejeweled coffin nails she likes but most a-listers do simple, short manicures anyway.

I think she's doing them herself, even nail schools have e-files that make quick work of thinning and shaping acrylic. But a decent new one starts at about $100, and specialized bits are extra.
You CAN shape acrylic nails with a regular file, but it's tedious and takes a while. And unless you're very good at doing your own nails, your dominant hand isn't going to look as good as your other hand. That's one reason I don't do my own. Polish is one thing, but acrylic is another.

 

[Tiny Clanger]

If she’s not doing them herself, she may be getting acrylics at a teaching place. They let you “donate” your hair and nails so new stylists can learn on real people for about 5.00. The instructor is supposed to be there to control it but I’m guessing they may not pay close attention.

Having had acrylics, gels, and now the dip powders, I think only badly done acrylics get that thick and misshapen. Powder doesn’t and gel doesn’t, at least in my experience. It’s Tess’ taste to have such ugly colors. So I agree with @Water-T, Tess has a tech who hasn't learned how to shape And file the product yet.

If she’s going to do it at home and can’t afford 40.00 for nails in a Vietnamese strip mall store, then she should just buy some gel and a light. She won’t get those hideous bejeweled coffin nails she likes but most a-listers do simple, short manicures anyway.

I posted a few pages back saying I thought she was using trainees - she had a set that were bad, but understandably bad if you took into account someone is learning.

These are just beyond awful tho, but I don't know how trainees do in nail places. I assumed they were supervised then a proper tech sorted the worst of the mess (and we're talking two minutes with a Dremel) and made sure you went home with at least a viable set. But if this is a trainee it's not from a salon with a rep, this is Grade A Don't Give a Fuck, plasticate the hooves and bloof her out the door pronto. Maybe they're worried she'll eat the trainee.

Your other point was something I was going to ask you gals - most of Tess's questionable choices could, at a push, be put down to her hideous white trash aesthetic. We know she's never been taken seriously as a moddle, but surely things like this just reek of desperation and in that world, the scent of failure just finishes you until someone drags the carcass off (at least she'll be worth something when boiled down for glue.) Does she think nobody will notice they're not even professional sets, let alone high-end ones? You don't need long natural nails any more; nobody would bat an eyelid if she just had a single colour polish but this is like a placard in bright lights flashing "fail" over her fat, vacuous head. Is this what "fake-it-til-you-make-it" looks like on the slide down?

I don't know why I'm even trying to understad; this is why she's a cow. Chavs gonna chav...

 

[SnarkySperg]

Remember guys, she wants a beauty brand. I can't imagine anyone is knocking down her door to demand she collab with them.

 

[Tiny Clanger]

Remember guys, she wants a beauty brand. I can't imagine anyone is knocking down her door to demand she collab with them.

Weeeelll....she could always be the "before." For everything.

 

[Cheesegirl78]

I posted a few pages back saying I thought she was using trainees - she had a set that were bad, but understandably bad if you took into account someone is learning.

These are just beyond awful tho, but I don't know how trainees do in nail places. I assumed they were supervised then a proper tech sorted the worst of the mess (and we're talking two minutes with a Dremel) and made sure you went home with at least a viable set. But if this is a trainee it's not from a salon with a rep, this is Grade A Don't Give a Fuck, plasticate the hooves and bloof her out the door pronto. Maybe they're worried she'll eat the trainee.

Your other point was something I was going to ask you gals - most of Tess's questionable choices could, at a push, be put down to her hideous white trash aesthetic. We know she's never been taken seriously as a moddle, but surely things like this just reek of desperation and in that world, the scent of failure just finishes you until someone drags the carcass off (at least she'll be worth something when boiled down for glue.) Does she think nobody will notice they're not even professional sets, let alone high-end ones? You don't need long natural nails any more; nobody would bat an eyelid if she just had a single colour polish but this is like a placard in bright lights flashing "fail" over her fat, vacuous head. Is this what "fake-it-til-you-make-it" looks like on the slide down?

I don't know why I'm even trying to understad; this is why she's a cow. Chavs gonna chav...

No instructor at a reputable school would let her walk out the door with nails that look that bad, and if she DID go to a salon for those, it's got unlicensed techs working there.

 

[SnarkySperg]

No instructor at a reputable school would let her walk out the door with nails that look that bad, and if she DID go to a salon for those, it's got unlicensed techs working there.

You actually might be onto something. I've had my nails done (not acrylics, but I've gone for a mant-pedi before) and it isn't something I can splurge on as often as she seems to. And the area I'm in doesn't have a high cost of living like LA does. However, if she's going to someone who is unlicensed, it'd probably be a lot cheaper, or free--she lets them practice, they do her nails for free.

So yeah, I'm guessing someone unlicensed. That or she does them herself. That's her right hand in the photo right? Odds are, it's her dominant hand. Like you said, your dominant hand never looks as good.

Also, sidenote: why do people want nails that long? Genuine question. If I let my nails get anywhere close to that length they break within a few days. It seems extremely impractical and, at least this case, very trashy.

 

[Dorsia.Reservation]

No instructor at a reputable school would let her walk out the door with nails that look that bad, and if she DID go to a salon for those, it's got unlicensed techs working there.

Exactly.

Those nails are a home kit disaster.
Even KISS press-ons would have looked better.

Or it is an unlicensed wannabe posting "at home full sets" on FB Marketplace.

 

[yousoundlikeanasshole]

Tess is currently on a self-imposed social media break, so that means she'll probably be back before the weekend arrives. I hope she is just pouting about being dropped as an ambassador, because there is NO WAY Flabletics would keep her after this mess.

 

[Cheesegirl78]

You actually might be onto something. I've had my nails done (not acrylics, but I've gone for a mant-pedi before) and it isn't something I can splurge on as often as she seems to. And the area I'm in doesn't have a high cost of living like LA does. However, if she's going to someone who is unlicensed, it'd probably be a lot cheaper, or free--she lets them practice, they do her nails for free.

So yeah, I'm guessing someone unlicensed. That or she does them herself. That's her right hand in the photo right? Odds are, it's her dominant hand. Like @Cheesegirl78 said, your dominant hand never looks as good.

Also, sidenote: why do people want nails that long? Genuine question. If I let my nails get anywhere close to that length they break within a few days. It seems extremely unpractical and, at least this case, very trashy.

I get acrylics regularly, and usually keep them finger tip length, but once in a rare while I'll keep them longer.
They rarely break, and sometimes I just want to feel a little fancy.