Tess Holliday / Ryann Maegen Hoven - Beached Landwhale model, Body positive and social justice snacktivist, and gigantic fraud

[Beluga]

Tess once again stuffs her rolls into a too-small Fabletics outfit, face shining with sweat. She shows off her airbrushed Reebok shoes, which someone else had to tie for her because she cannot reach her feet. Fashun!

Nail spergs, have at it.
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Where to start? Shall we talk about her arm which is now so fat that it's sprouted almost 4 fat rolls? Shall we talk about her god awful lip fillers and botox? Or her terrible fake nails? Or the fact that she cannot emote?

 

[JuniperFalls]

Nail spergs, have at it.
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I don't know much about fake fingernails (I mentioned before, I've only ever worn them once, for a single night's Halloween party), but, assuming her everyday personal hygiene is as much of a wreck as everything else about her life, I wouldn't be surprised to learn she's using those tacky fakes to hide the fact that her real fingernails have a fungal infection. Because before I bought those cheap Chinese off-brand Halloween fakes I looked at a LOT of different options, in regular stores and beauty supply stores, and they had nails available in all price ranges and all kinds of different colors, lengths, widths, patterns and shapes--but I never saw ANY fakes as thick as the ones Tess wears. The only times I have ever seen such thick fingernails is in photographs of human fingernails or toenails with an advanced fungal infection.

Are there any recent photos of her with her natural fingernails visible, or even photos of her with fake nails of normal thickness?

 

[Casta Spersions]

Every time I see a picture of her in that sample size dress I think about how carefully they would have had to cut the pieces to avoid it saying "AMPLE SIZE" and I laugh. Bet they did too.

 

[Smiling Honeybadger]

We could start with the simple fact that the street signs are being sucked into her orbit.
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Maybe, just maybe, instead of faking her waist line the photographer or whoever has to smooth out Tess' rolls, should have retouched this group of persons out of the background. Because these legs seemingly dangling out of her ass look VERY unfortunate. And that's the case where Photoshop would help.... Fitting, that they left this in.

 

[ADHD]

So, we're doing this on shoes now? Am I the only one having flashbacks or has this always been a thing?

 

[Diet Coke 4 Life]

My gawd... the stretchmarks on her arms are making me gag. Holy fuckballs, is she wrecked.

Her tattoos can't be saved. Yikes.

And this ELBOW. TESS. WHAT THE FUCK. Take a shower and exfoliate or something!! You look like you've been tangling with sows in a literal pig pen!

Shooping? The bendy-bendy sign is the most prevalent evidence of tucking for a waist. Mostly she's using her arms to cover her gunt and bad angles to give the impression of a human figure. But not her stretch marks. Because they can't be hidden when they're on her giant arm bags.

Edited because I can't format today. Been staring at fat asses too much and my brain is screaming for release.

 

[multiverse]

Nicky shares his advice on being a great parent. I'll leave you all to make the jokes.


E: ok can't resist - YOUR 4 YEAR OLD DOESN'T REMEMBER YOU AND YOU NEVER TAUGHT HIM NOT TO SHIT IN HIS PANTS.

 

[tiggles]

I don't know much about fake fingernails (I mentioned before, I've only ever worn them once, for a single night's Halloween party), but, assuming her everyday personal hygiene is as much of a wreck as everything else about her life, I wouldn't be surprised to learn she's using those tacky fakes to hide the fact that her real fingernails have a fungal infection. Because before I bought those cheap Chinese off-brand Halloween fakes I looked at a LOT of different options, in regular stores and beauty supply stores, and they had nails available in all price ranges and all kinds of different colors, lengths, widths, patterns and shapes--but I never saw ANY fakes as thick as the ones Tess wears. The only times I have ever seen such thick fingernails is in photographs of human fingernails or toenails with an advanced fungal infection.

Are there any recent photos of her with her natural fingernails visible, or even photos of her with fake nails of normal thickness?

she isn’t using press ons, she sculpted acrylic or poly gel really, really shittily. Cheap press ons would look marginally less awful - Chantal uses them.

 

[Sparklepants]

she isn’t using press ons, she sculpted acrylic or poly gel really, really shittily. Cheap press ons would look marginally less awful - Chantal uses them.

Yeah, they look like cheap acrylics. Those $15 full set places usually end up chunky as fuck because they’re trying to get you in and out as quickly as possible so they don’t bother to try and sculpt or file the nail.

 

[lamp shade]

It's so clear she's only wearing this to rep it because I don't know of anyone who goes and gets their nails done before working out.

It’s also clear because she’s 400lbs and probably hasn’t done a true work out even once in her life.

 

[SnarkySperg]

It’s also clear because she’s 400lbs and probably hasn’t done a true work out even once in her life.

Well, yeah, but she's gone to the gym a few times and at least made a half-assed effort. And when you go to the gym, I don't think it's advisable to wear your nails like that.

Why is she repping them again? She's terrible at it. She's not making them look good at all.

 

[Punkinsplice]

Tess once again stuffs her rolls into a too-small Fabletics outfit, face shining with sweat. She shows off her airbrushed Reebok shoes, which someone else had to tie for her because she cannot reach her feet. Fashun!

Nail spergs, have at it.
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Those nails look like something that should be smashed by a bird launched from a slingshot.

 

[Polexia Aphrodisia]

Why is the middle nail so much more pointy? And that's not even discussing the psychedelic Ben and Jerry's nightmare that is the pattern.

 

[multiverse]

Tess is off getting more expensive beauty treatments - lasering off her excess hair from being a fatty hormonal mess this time - instead of paying for an apartment. Gee, I'm sure your oldest son would much rather your be FIERCE than be permitted to live with you again.


And she continues to bitch about the quality of men she can attract at 450 pounds of unadulterated narcissism and hysterics. Why oh why can't she just find a fit, attractive, successful, and stable man to adore her?

Like attracts like, Ryann.

 

[ADHD]

Tess is off getting more expensive beauty treatments - lasering off her excess hair from being a fatty hormonal mess this time

Are we talking facial hair? Or underarm/leg hair? Because the underarm/leg hair would make sense now that Nicky isn't around to shave her anymore.

 

[SnarkySperg]

I feel like if I got so fat I couldn't shave my legs, that'd be motivation to lose weight. Instead, Tess thinks that the better alternative is pay a lot of money to have someone else do it for her while also mooching off her nanny instead of saving up to move to her own place.

God, narcissism sucks.

 

[Water-T]

And she continues to bitch about the quality of men she can attract at 450 pounds of unadulterated narcissism and hysterics. Why oh why can't she just find a fit, attractive, successful, and stable man to adore her?

I love the hypocrisy of HAES Harpies like Tess: They don't make any effort to get themselves into shape or not look like a trash fire, yet they DEMAND that men with supermodel faces and sculpted abs fall at their feet and give them 2 dozen orgasms a day....all while getting mad at men over "unfair beauty standards".

Remember, being a fat slob and expecting 10s to sleep with you is only bad when men do it!

 

[George Floyd Sneed]

I love the hypocrisy of HAES Harpies like Tess: They don't make any effort to get themselves into shape or not look like a trash fire, yet they DEMAND that men with supermodel faces and sculpted abs fall at their feet and give them 2 dozen orgasms a day....all while getting mad at men over "unfair beauty standards".

Remember, being a fat slob and expecting 10s to sleep with you is only bad when men do it!

A man wouldn’t even be able to get through the folds of fat at this point to achieve any kind of penetration. She is too fat for sex.

 

[rocknrollmartian]

Nicky shares his advice on being a great parent. I'll leave you all to make the jokes.
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E: ok can't resist - YOUR 4 YEAR OLD DOESN'T REMEMBER YOU AND YOU NEVER TAUGHT HIM NOT TO SHIT IN HIS PANTS.

Oh ffs, this idiot's hypocritical navel-gazing is truly disgusting. I'm sure Nick has no money and little desire to visit LA again anytime soon. This mopey sack of shit is clear across the world and abandoned his kid. For that, he is automatically a much worse father than his own was; at least it sounds like Nick grew up in a normal family situation where his dad lived with him and saw him every day. There is no such stability or any kind of "journey together" for Nick and Bowie; what a bunch of self-serving slop. Nick clearly writes this crap to feel better about himself and his terrible decisions. As far as small children go, you're either part of their lives or you're not.

 

[LetThemEatCake]

Oh ffs, this idiot's hypocritical navel-gazing is truly disgusting. I'm sure Nick has no money and little desire to visit LA again anytime soon. This mopey sack of shit is clear across the world and abandoned his kid. For that, he is automatically a much worse father than his own was; at least it sounds like Nick grew up in a normal family situation where his dad lived with him and saw him every day. There is no such stability or any kind of "journey together" for Nick and Bowie; what a bunch of self-serving slop. Nick clearly writes this crap to feel better about himself and his terrible decisions. As far as small children go, you're either part of their lives or you're not.

Particularly irksome is Nick and his ilk's constant iteration that they are so much more enlightened and better parents than their own traditional-style ones, despite not even being present in their own children's lives and being fucked-up on drink and drugs and more concerned with getting their wang squeezed by someone not their wife when they were in the family home.