Well, ladies and germs, it's time. Clearly nature itself wanted me to finish this season because Corona-chan came on the eve of my vacation and did enough ass-shimmying to cancel all my plans. So here I am, unhappily presenting you with the season finale of this tale of woe and misfortune. Bad as the last episode was, I'll miss it in a weird way. I don't know if the show is coming back since Jazz is a complete mess. But we'll see what happens. In the meantime, let's get this done.
EPISODE 8 (FINALE)
-Greg and Jeanette are out drinking. Jeanette sucks down booze from a straw in nearly one sitting holy shit. She tells Greg about Jazz's breakdown since he hadn't been there. I don't know what the goal is on her end other than to guilt him into submission. Jeanette says that Jazz can't go to college with this freakout bullshit.
-Jazz and Noelle go to do some kickboxing. Jazz is starting to look reaaaaaally heavy. Noelle's surgery is soon and he's gushing over it, not knowing what he's getting into.
-Jazz says he feels more connected with his body after surgery
-Noelle wants Jazz to come with him for his surgery. Jazz says they can have dilation parties! EW. Noelle visibly cringes at that. Jazz pats himself on the back for raising the money for the surgery.
-Jazz is doing weird woo mediation shit. He doesn't want to go to therapy and believes that this shit is spiritual. Do Jeanette and Greg actually act like parents to tell Jazz to GO. TO. THERAPY??? Fuck no. Instead, they send Jazz to a "spiritual retreat" with his friends. Holy shit, can you two discipline your fucking kid for once? Jazz needs a SHRINK, not hand-holding and fluff. Christ.
-Jazz is still working on that god-awful song that he never performed at the drag show. The song is still just as embarrassing as it was last time, sounding like preschooler nonsense.
-Jeanette and Cousin Debbie hang out. The Munchhausen Club! They of course discuss Jazz being a nut. Cousin Debbie also fusses all over Jeanette because Jeanette just has it SO ROUGH with her poor sensitive trans kid uwu.
-Jazz and his bro are making a music video for the song or some shit. Jazz is in "drag" again (still doing it wrong). HHHHHHHHHHH THIS SONG. Bro looks dead inside as he holds up the camera. Jazz of course starts tantruming because he has no video charisma and keeps fucking up.
-Jazz's remaining school girlfriends show up for the "spiritual retreat". It's bittersweet because Jazz's friends are going to move on to their own lives without him now that high school is over.
-Jeanette and Noelle's pig-mom go drinking. She sucks down half of it in one sitting again. Jeanette is doing this because of Jazz's freakout. So basically, it's all about Jeanette and how upset SHE is that Jazz is in pain. What a goddamn narc. Pig-mom wants to go to a strip club!
-Jazz and friends go to a woo store to look at mystic rocks or other crap. The hippie owners make them do some yoga to release "negative energies" and open their chakra. They give these young kids a weirdly sexual massage, touching their chests to release energy. It's basically an excuse to cop a feel. These impressionable kids think that it's legit. Again, Jazz could be seeing a doctor right now. Greg and Jeanette should be ashamed of themselves.
-Brief tangent: this woo shit is so fucking harmful. This is supposedly the thing that will help rid Jazz of "negative thoughts" but in reality, he's just laying there putting his faith in some quacks to literally pull the negative thoughts out of his head by humming and spouting nonsense words with rocks and oil and shit. How does this help Jazz? What does this shit accomplish? You can't just pull negative thoughts out of your head like it's a fucking cookie from a jar. You have to actually work on that shit, take balanced medication, find a healthy hobby, and find solid ways of coping. Letting some moonbeam fuck treat you by doing literally nothing will NOT solve your problems or prevent you from killing yourself. This is bullshit.
THIS IS BULLSHIT.
-Anyway, they sit in front of a bonfire while yet another quack chants a mantra. They're going to throw their negative thoughts into the fire.
-Jeanette and her awful girlfriends go to a strip club. I'm sure cucked Greg wouldn't object at all to that (she didn't even tell him). Jeanette: "SEX AND THE CITY MOVE OVER, HERE COMES JEANETTE AND HER POSSE!!!111".

They all fuss over Jeanette like she's the Virgin fucking Mary. Grandma is here and jumps onstage. Wait. NO. ARI HERE HERE AESDFGHFDS JEANETTE BROUGHT ARI TO A STRIP CLUB HOLY SHIT /WHAT/. WHO BRINGS THEIR KID TO A STRIP CLUB SEDFGHGFD ARI RUN.
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I have seen Hell.
-Yes, it's about as sexual and gross as you can imagine. They thrust their crotches in grandma and Ari's faces while Jeanette puts money in their pants. Ari smiles but looks uncomfortable. Some shots have her visibly cringing away from the dancers. I'm surprised Jeanette remembered she had a daughter and brought her along. I'm even more baffled that Jeanette let this happen with her kid there. Even if Ari is an adult, I could NEVER think of going to a goddamn strip club with my daughter. Does Jeanette even know that there are lines you can't cross? I'm completely disgusted.
-Jazz and Jeanette are heading to San Fran for Noelle's surgery. Bowers is doing the procedure of course. Noelle is under the impression that this will be a magical positive experience. Poor bastard. Jazz said he had no second thoughts before surgery. Sure. Jazz calls Bowers the "fairy godmother of the trans community". EWW Bowers and Jeanette say that Jazz and Noelle should hook up. Noelle looks like he'd rather swallow poison. Even Jazz isn't into it.
-Bowers says that Noelle should be fine since he has more skin than Jazz did. Jazz keeps butting in during the consult to make it all about him. He gets examined of course. He says that he's still peeing weird. Bowers says it's prob because there's still a lot of erectile tissue down there. If it doesn't get better in a year, that means more surgery.
-Jazz gets anxiety while sitting outside. Jeanette gets annoyed. Her ugly little rat mind is looking to see how she can get Jazz away from Harvard because of this. She makes Jazz post the video with the awful song. The audio cut out here briefly. Ugh.
-Day of Noelle's surgery and he's crying. Holy crap, we see Noelle's cucked dad. He says nothing and looks like a whipped bitch. Noelle still thinks that what he's about to do is beautiful.
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This poor fucking dad.
-Jazz asks cucked dad how he feels. Dad tries to be happy. "One day she was playing football and now...." Holy shit this is tragic. They play some schmaltzy music while dad tries to justify his wife castrating his barely-adult son. They show pics of Noelle as a normal little boy. THIS IS SO FUCKING SAD. He transitioned at 14 and describes puberty as "irreversible damage to his body". Pig-mom is beaming and giddy as fuck. Jeanette and Jazz are equally giddy. Gross.
-While they're in the waiting room, Jeanette asks pig-mom what made Noelle want to transition. Pig-mom says it was Orange is the New Black. Because that doesn't look suspect at all!
-Anyway, the surgery goes "fine". Everyone hugs. Bowers is all smug about how well it went. They talk about depth. Apparently it's "more than what cisgender girls have". UGHHH.
-Noelle feels accomplished now the surgery is over. Jazz makes a big deal out of it like it's the second coming of Christ. Everyone here is stupid. SO stupid. LOL they used the lining of Noelle's testicles to make the "vagina". More bragging about depth. Cucked dad keeps saying what a "hero" Noelle is.
-Jazz goes to shop for the dorm he won't end up living in. Noelle joins him. Jazz says they are now both "completed women". Jazz has shitty taste in decorations.
-Noelle is feeling euphoric after the surgery, thinking he can accomplish anything. It's like a high. Noelle complains about his man-voice and wants vocal lessons. Noelle, much like Jazz post-surgery, is really scarily pale. Weird. They talk about dilating. Jazz says they're "sisters" and will always be friends even though they're going to college. LOL NO.
-They have a family camping trip coming up and Jeanette and grandma are going to get supplies. Jeanette has such an immature way of presenting herself. Greg says that they will be empty-nesters this year even though realistically, Jazz is never going to be independent.
-Camping time! Everyone makes a big deal about how magical and symbolic it is. But God also hates this family and rains them out. So they have the fucking tent set up in the backyard like a couple of sad sacks.
-Grandma says that Greg and Jeanette did an amazing job as parents. Jazz expresses sadness and hope for the future, saying he got "lost in his delusions of grand-jour" (pronounced wrong because Jazz is an idiot). He hopes he can move on and be mentally healthy, even though therapy is never once mentioned. What he doesn't know is that it will only get worse from here. Unless he breaks free, there will be no eulogies for Jazz Jennings.
And with that, it's over. One final nail in the coffin to close out a terrible season full of terrible people. I'm gonna go raid the wine cellar and get loaded to celebrate. It's been fun. See you, space cowboys.