The Mysterious Mr. Enter / Jonathan Rozanski's "Growing Around" - IndieGoGo Campaign Failed, John going off the deep end, "Turning Red" is ignorant about 9/11 (later retracted)

[Piga Dgrifm]

My god they didn't proofread this for shit
"I pulled a string hanging next to the window and two large fern leaves curtained it," sounds like someone having a mild stroke trying to speak.
It genuinely took my a minute to figure out what that sentence was trying to describe due to how confusing the language is.
I thought due to how it was worded it he actually meant like leaves fell down from the window, not that they were fern window curtains covering the window.

Here a quick fix to the sentence to make it flow better "I pulled on the string and two fern leave window covers swiftly removed the sun from view."
Like your trying to engage someone with the scene and give description of the setting especially for a story like this, you need to trim the fatty language because it makes the scene boring and less vivid to the reader. He needs to cut a lot of this down and put snapper language in it especially if it is a scene describing a kid.
Kids like to get to the point and this story just slogs on in a way that even adults would find boring to read and sit through.

From this chapter alone he has already made basic writing mistakes they would have taught people in literal elementary school how to fix the problem he is having with past and present tense language.
How it is currently written is describing all actions until that point as past tense,but then it is suddenly present tense in some parts ruining the flow an tone of the scene.
It really doesn't help there are sentence fragments everywhere causing the story to stop and start so often it gives tonal whiplash to the scene by causing it to come to a grinding halt.
There is no consistent pacing with this story so it is hard to get a proper grasp on what tone he is even going for in a scene.

I commend him for writing a book, but all he did was prove that literally anyone can get a book published because is what you would see from a college essay trying to pad out the essay to hit the word limit on a project. It does not try to be engaging, it feels like genuinely he was just trying to fill out a page because he didn't know how to write for the rest of the scene.

He actually spent five hundred and two dollars to have this professionally edited. What I'm uploading is what he put out after getting involved with an editor.

Luckily, he told dA which service he used, so you know not to go there yourself if this is what they're going to hand back to you.

Now that I'm looking closer at the comment:
"Your writing is particular strong" Should be "particularly."
"You do a good job of getting in protagonists emotions and imagination" Should be "of getting into" and "protagonist's" with an apostrophe.
"Up to you to remove any word, sentence or paragraph that are not contributing to keeping the story moving forward". Should be "that is not contributing."

His "professional editor" sent him back a letter full of basic grammatical errors. I'm not even sure if I caught all of them. Jesus fucking wept.

 

[LiquidKid]

My god they didn't proofread this for shit
"I pulled a string hanging next to the window and two large fern leaves curtained it," sounds like someone having a mild stroke trying to speak.
It genuinely took my a minute to figure out what that sentence was trying to describe due to how confusing the language is.
I thought due to how it was worded it he actually meant like leaves fell down from the window, not that they were fern window curtains covering the window.

Here a quick fix to the sentence to make it flow better "I pulled on the string and two fern leave window covers swiftly removed the sun from view."
Like your trying to engage someone with the scene and give description of the setting especially for a story like this, you need to trim the fatty language because it makes the scene boring and less vivid to the reader. He needs to cut a lot of this down and put snapper language in it especially if it is a scene describing a kid.
Kids like to get to the point and this story just slogs on in a way that even adults would find boring to read and sit through.

From this chapter alone he has already made basic writing mistakes they would have taught people in literal elementary school how to fix the problem he is having with past and present tense language.
How it is currently written is describing all actions until that point as past tense,but then it is suddenly present tense in some parts ruining the flow an tone of the scene.
It really doesn't help there are sentence fragments everywhere causing the story to stop and start so often it gives tonal whiplash to the scene by causing it to come to a grinding halt.
There is no consistent pacing with this story so it is hard to get a proper grasp on what tone he is even going for in a scene.

I commend him for writing a book, but all he did was prove that literally anyone can get a book published because is what you would see from a college essay trying to pad out the essay to hit the word limit on a project. It does not try to be engaging, it feels like genuinely he was just trying to fill out a page because he didn't know how to write for the rest of the scene.

I would have gone with “I pulled a string attached to a set of curtains made out of fern leaves to cover the window”
But that’s just me thinking of the easiest way to describe everything and not sound pretentious

 

[Master Shake]

His reasoning for writing it in Sally’s first person POV was literally because he thinks it gives him an excuse to not explain anything because Sally wouldn’t question why the world is how it is since she’s a child.

That is quite possibly the laziest move you can make as a writer. "This character is used to the way things are, hence they don't need to explained." Yes they fucking do, we the reader don't know how the hell this world works. I understand not wanting to bog the audience down with unnecessary information, and if the economy doesn't factor into the story, then yes, you don't need to mention how it works. But by doing this you're just getting lazy with your writing and leaving multiple aspects of this world with no explanation.

And if he's trying to go for a "you can jump in at any episode without missing anything" angle or trying to avoid exposition, you still need to make it so that the audience can easily figure out what's happening and what these characters are like for themselves. For example, SpongeBob is an episodic show with no continuity, but it's still written in a way so that a new viewer can gather what the show is about and what the characters are like within the first minute. SpongeBob is cheery and fun-loving, Patrick is an idiot, Squidward is a grouch who is annoyed by them and has "culture", Sandy is smart/tough/Texan, Mr. Krabs is SpongeBob and Squidward's greedy boss, Plankton is the villain who wants to put Mr. Krabs out of business, etc. The first movie is a good example of this; even if you've never seen the show, the first 15-20 minutes of the movie manage to perfectly convey what these characters (minus Sandy) are like, what they do, what the world they live in is like, how the plot affects them, and how they affect the plot, all without having to resort to exposition. It's written in a way that explains everything to a new viewer without verbally explaining anything.

Sorry for going off on another autistic tangent there, it's just as an aspiring writer I find it head-slappingly stupid how this so-called "expert" who thinks he knows more about good writing than TTG/MacFarlane can't even write his way out of a paper bag.

 

[Piga Dgrifm]

Sorry for going off on another autistic tangent there, it's just as an aspiring writer I find it head-slappingly stupid how this so-called "expert" who thinks he knows more about good writing than TTG/MacFarlane can't even write his way out of a paper bag.

If you want your head to explode, check out his Writing Tips blogs. It's sad to imagine anyone taking writing advice from one of these posts since they're unfamiliar with the garbage Enter writes:

World-Building tips from the guy who accidentally made a dystopia:

Writing Tips: Avoiding Bad Worldbuilding by MrEnter on DeviantArt

www.deviantart.com

Enter talks about the Suspension of Disbelief:

Writing Tips: Avoiding Bad Worldbuilding by MrEnter on DeviantArt

www.deviantart.com

As stated many times before, people COULD suspend disbelief for GA if Enter didn't continually add elements into it that force you to think much harder about it. Ex; Kids are doing all the jobs, this could be funny if the show was just a comedy, yet Enter has an arc focusing on how one kid's mom died from some illness. Now, everyone's going to be thinking about how fucked up it is that the ill have to rely on child doctors to try to cure them.

Satire advice from a man who's notorious for not understanding when a joke is a joke:

Writing Tips: Satire, You're Doing It Wrong by MrEnter on DeviantArt

www.deviantart.com

This one ends with more of his Hateboner for MacFarlane:

 

[Tragedy of the Senate]

So, CrimsonMayhem has apparently stopped working with Enter?

 

[Just_a_Bored_Guy]

So, CrimsonMayhem has apparently stopped working with Enter?

View attachment 1202138

That's honestly too bad. Crimson seemed to be very competent at editing, and personable as well.
Better than Star, at least.

 

[Crescent Fresh]

I'm late as usual, but I just listened to his Top 10 Worst of the 2010s video, and what really stands out to me is the Butch Hartman/Seth McFarlane rage. I know there was a discusion about this a few pages back, but just wanted to add my 2 cents. I like how defensive he gets about Hartman in particular saying that thing along the lines of "if you just sit at home not doing anything, you shouldnt criticize people who actually make stuff". On one hand, yeah Butch does come off as cocky and saying you're above criticism is pretty shitty, but I kind of see what he means. But most importantly, that fits Enter like a fucking glove and its easy to see how deeply that gets under Entard's skin. Even Butch's worst show will at least make it to air and finish a season. GA will never achieve that, ever. The absolute best case scenario for GA is to become a low budget Youtube series, and even that is highly unlikely. I doubt we will ever see a finished 22 mimute episode of Growing Around. Even a short doesnt seem likely. And on some level I think Enter knows that. Even if Butch is making shit, he's making something. People will remember Butch and Fairly Oddparents, or McFarlane and Family Guy. Enter will be known for being a NEET who screeches over cartoons, and nothing more. Not defending Hartman cause he seems like a bit of a tard himself sometimes and arrogance is never a good look, but he's a cocky over making 2 widely remembered and cherished network cartoons. Enter is cocky because... he makes Youtube videos saying he has good taste and is unemployed.

I keep editing this because I keep having new thoughts to add, but my area of autism is mostly video games, and Hideki Kamiya kind of reminds me of Butch. He's cocky and I think he's fucking annoying, but I know I couldn't make a better game than him sitting in bedroom financed by NEETbux and Kickstarter. Even with a full budget and equipment there's a 99.999999999% chance I couldnt do it. That would be stupid, even if he's a dickhead he has experience, money, and talent. This is what Enter coming at Hartman and McFarla

Honestly, the completely deluded concept of independently creating a five-season hundred-plus-episode serialized animated show is probably the worst thing to happen to Enter, since he suddenly doesn’t think he has to put the work in to actually pitch the damn thing.

The process of taking feedback and refining the pitch is an extremely important one, yet since he unironically expects to crowdfund the entire thing, he’s completely disregarded that entire aspect of things because he doesn’t want executives to meddle even when it’s desperately needed.

More importantly, though, is the bullshit in his completely public scripts. In the completely unlikely case that someone was to actually take a chance on GA based off of a fixed-up pitch, they would only need to take a cursory glance at the completely public “prison riot” two-parter script to shut the entire thing down. Doesn’t even matter that it’s supposed to not happen until season three or so, shit like that is not fit for the audience no matter how Enter tries to spin it.

I’d also mention the crossdressing, but considering modern-day CN and Netflix, that’s probably more of a plus then anything else.

(Also, “Butch Hartman is the Hideki Kamiya of western animation” might be the dumbest thing I’ve ever agreed with.)

 

[Master Shake]

More importantly, though, is the bullshit in his completely public scripts. In the completely unlikely case that someone was to actually take a chance on GA based off of a fixed-up pitch, they would only need to take a cursory glance at the completely public “prison riot” two-parter script to shut the entire thing down. Doesn’t even matter that it’s supposed to not happen until season three or so, shit like that is not fit for the audience no matter how Enter tries to spin it.

Another thing I just realized: since all the scripts are online and freely viewable, people have no reason to actually watch the show since it's all been spoiled and they already know what's going to happen, unless Enter does a complete and total rewrite before actually making the episode (though given his thick skull and lack of any kind of knowledge of animation production, neither seems likely).

Guess I made the right call by hesitating to share my scripts online.

 

[Tragedy of the Senate]

The process of taking feedback and refining the pitch is an extremely important one, yet since he unironically expects to crowdfund the entire thing, he’s completely disregarded that entire aspect of things because he doesn’t want executives to meddle even when it’s desperately needed.

This is probably what irks me most about this project, Enter's ignorance to reality.

If the pilot is going to cost $350K, I really don't know how Enter expects to get a single season out. YouTube ad revenue isn't reliable unless (maybe) you're the type to upload content every day. And Patreon money can also do so much. Even assuming that every episode after the pilot gets only half the budget - so $150K - that's still a lot that can't be made back by a simple crowd on the internet.

Another thing I just realized: since all the scripts are online and freely viewable, people have no reason to actually watch the show since it's all been spoiled and they already know what's going to happen, unless Enter does a complete and total rewrite before actually making the episode (though given his thick skull and lack of any kind of knowledge of animation production, neither seems likely).

This is like how Chris-Chan often spoiled what was going to happen in future "episodes" of Sonichu. It's as if Enter wants everything to be laid out for the audience so that there's no room for misinterpretation. Too bad he's so bad at clarifying and explaining things that misinterpretation goes hand-in-hand with Growing Around.

 

[LiquidKid]

If you want your head to explode, check out his Writing Tips blogs. It's sad to imagine anyone taking writing advice from one of these posts since they're unfamiliar with the garbage Enter writes:

World-Building tips from the guy who accidentally made a dystopia:

Writing Tips: Avoiding Bad Worldbuilding by MrEnter on DeviantArt

www.deviantart.com

Enter talks about the Suspension of Disbelief:

Writing Tips: Avoiding Bad Worldbuilding by MrEnter on DeviantArt

www.deviantart.com

As stated many times before, people COULD suspend disbelief for GA if Enter didn't continually add elements into it that force you to think much harder about it. Ex; Kids are doing all the jobs, this could be funny if the show was just a comedy, yet Enter has an arc focusing on how one kid's mom died from some illness. Now, everyone's going to be thinking about how fucked up it is that the ill have to rely on child doctors to try to cure them.

Satire advice from a man who's notorious for not understanding when a joke is a joke:

Writing Tips: Satire, You're Doing It Wrong by MrEnter on DeviantArt

www.deviantart.com

This one ends with more of his Hateboner for MacFarlane:
View attachment 1201916

Literally the only satire advice anyone needs is to just read “a modest proposal” and have a sense of humor. There’s a reason that’s considered the greatest satire ever, because even the title itself is sarcastic to the point that if you don’t get that it’s a joke, you’re an even bigger joke.
Of course, Enter probably thinks that Swift was actually implying the Irish should really solve their famine by eating babies

 

[Piga Dgrifm]

Literally the only satire advice anyone needs is to just read “a modest proposal” and have a sense of humor. There’s a reason that’s considered the greatest satire ever, because even the title itself is sarcastic to the point that if you don’t get that it’s a joke, you’re an even bigger joke.
Of course, Enter probably thinks that Swift was actually implying the Irish should really solve their famine by eating babies

Well, in the post he can't understand that the game F.A.T.A.L was a joke, so yeah. I admit I don't know much about the game, but I can't see how a tabletop RPG that forces you to do advanced calculus equations to work out your character's penis size, anal circumference and urination stat isn't a shitpost.

 

[LiquidKid]

(Also, “Butch Hartman is the Hideki Kamiya of western animation” might be the dumbest thing I’ve ever agreed with.)

I know, that out a sour taste in my mouth, but it’s too accurate to disagree with

 

[Sussy Baka Desu?]

This is probably what irks me most about this project, Enter's ignorance to reality.

I don't know if I touched on this a bunch of pages ago, but I think Enter believes his idea is invincible as long as he doesn't sell his idea to a network or allow anyone else to be a writer on GA. Though, if he hadn't made such an infamous name for himself, figure out how to make connections in the animation industry, had worked on a pitch bible, and commissioned art for the pitch, he'd have some chance of seeing GA be animated.

Instead, he chooses to blatantly ignore a realistic goal like working on his writing skill. And he also ignores the reality of how his own infamy will scare any sane person away from this project, or how the project itself barely has any creative potential.

Realistically, his best shot is learning how to write and make GA a graphic novel. Although, he never followed up on that plan and instead is commissioning his artists to work on crappy concept art for characters that don't need to exist and title cards for his Fanfiction scripts.

It's either that or just give up and find a real job in case Youtube doesn't work out.

 

[The Cunting Death]

Of course he doesn't get the joke
Do you think someone with severe aspergers like him can understand satire (or a shitpost)?
Of course he can't.

 

[LiquidKid]

Of course he doesn't get the joke
Do you think someone with severe aspergers like him can understand satire (or a shitpost)?
Of course he can't.

True, this is the man who thought you could “floor” a motorcycle.

 

[The Littlest Shitlord]

Well, in the post he can't understand that the game F.A.T.A.L was a joke, so yeah. I admit I don't know much about the game, but I can't see how a tabletop RPG that forces you to do advanced calculus equations to work out your character's penis size, anal circumference and urination stat isn't a shitpost.

700+ pages is a bit much for a joke. Also, in the second edition the author took out some of the more offensive stuff like the Armor of Jewy Jewbacca and the rest of the magic armors that literally turned you into an offensive ethnic stereotype when you put them on, which seems more in character for "moronic jackass who wants to make it big in the RPG industry, but is handicapped by being a moron and probably autistic as well" and less like someone just making something awful for amusement.

If I remember right it doesn't actually make you do calculus anywhere, with the most advanced math being a quadratic equation, which is junior high school-level math. The guy wasn't actually any good at math either since it is totally possible for you to have a negative anal circumference. Needless to say there is no information on how to interpret this strange stat. Can you absorb extra anal assault before your anus even reaches circumference zero? Do you have a non-Euclidean anus that extends into higher dimensions? How do you shit? The mind boggles.

 

[Just_a_Bored_Guy]

Well, in the post he can't understand that the game F.A.T.A.L was a joke, so yeah. I admit I don't know much about the game, but I can't see how a tabletop RPG that forces you to do advanced calculus equations to work out your character's penis size, anal circumference and urination stat isn't a shitpost.

This seems to be standard behavior for him, at least back then. Remember Where the Dead Go to Die? https://the-mysterious-mr-enter.fandom.com/wiki/Where_the_Dead_Go_to_Die

Spoiler: Reality for the uninitiated

The comedy rumor is only true in the sense that A. the first segment is satirical (the other two are serious) and B. the creator has admitted it's so grimdark he's surprised anyone takes it seriously.
Creator calls him out (4:07):

 

[LiquidKid]

700+ pages is a bit much for a joke. Also, in the second edition the author took out some of the more offensive stuff like the Armor of Jewy Jewbacca and the rest of the magic armors that literally turned you into an offensive ethnic stereotype when you put them on, which seems more in character for "moronic jackass who wants to make it big in the RPG industry, but is handicapped by being a moron and probably autistic as well" and less like someone just making something awful for amusement.

If I remember right it doesn't actually make you do calculus anywhere, with the most advanced math being a quadratic equation, which is junior high school-level math. The guy wasn't actually any good at math either since it is totally possible for you to have a negative anal circumference. Needless to say there is no information on how to interpret this strange stat. Can you absorb extra anal assault before your anus even reaches circumference zero? Do you have a non-Euclidean anus that extends into higher dimensions? How do you shit? The mind boggles.

I know nothing about FATAL, but I do know that a big part of a successful satire is to fully commit, often getting so close that it’s hard to tell. Again, look at A Modest Proposal, it was written exactly the way an actual editorial essay was written at the time by a well established author of a famous book and directed at the national government. It appears well researched and fully thought out, in many instances, it appears to make a solid case for why we should just farm humans to eat babies, and unlike enter, goes above and beyond in the world building aspect by explaining why eating adults and eating rich people are not acceptable and how these farms should be maintained. It goes to an extreme length for the joke of “this government is too incompetent to solve our food shortage. At this rate we’re better off eating each other to solve the popular crisis”
Commitment to the joke is what makes the joke work

 

[dickass42069]

Here a quick fix to the sentence to make it flow better

The string hung from the curtains like a noose, a menacing reminder of my narrowly avoided death sentence in the hotel's basement. Pulling it blocked the dim view of the outside with two large fern leaves, green as the valkyr on the table downstairs.
I was in a manchild's book. Funny as hell, it was the most horrible thing I could think of

 

[Jumbo Gay Threat]

This is probably what irks me most about this project, Enter's ignorance to reality.

If the pilot is going to cost $350K, I really don't know how Enter expects to get a single season out. YouTube ad revenue isn't reliable unless (maybe) you're the type to upload content every day. And Patreon money can also do so much. Even assuming that every episode after the pilot gets only half the budget - so $150K - that's still a lot that can't be made back by a simple crowd on the internet.



This is like how Chris-Chan often spoiled what was going to happen in future "episodes" of Sonichu. It's as if Enter wants everything to be laid out for the audience so that there's no room for misinterpretation. Too bad he's so bad at clarifying and explaining things that misinterpretation goes hand-in-hand with Growing Around.

Which is a damn shame, considering Mr Enter has zero clue that there are sites out there dedicated to writers who need tools to help them with world building, creating time lines to keep track of plot points or historic events, or creating an index for characters or terminology. World Anvil, Scrivener and World Scribe are the only ones I’ve just heard about so far. But what makes one of these sites so great is you have the option to make your writing private or public, hell you can even link things like YouTube channels or patreon to your projects. However Mr enter will always be a pretentious asshole literally stuck in his own delusions of grandeur and while handing out shitty writing advice.