Good evening everybody....so like I wanted to throw in my two cents of knowledge in terms of this topic.
I myself am diagnosed with the following:
ADHD (2017), complex PTSD - depression (201
, diss. disorder (2019).
... and I now at the age of 32, at least understand myself to the point where I allow people in my life again. For years I could not wrap my head around my own behavior because there was so much I could not explain. 2017 I said thats it, you are going to a doctor and fucking figure out wtf is going on.
First there was the diagnosis of ADHD. I was sceptic, so I did...well some research on my own. I tried cocaine, since there are some rumors out there that say "if you have ADHD, cocaine will do nothing for you". I tried it with a group of friends at home. I took the first line - nothing. Second - nothing. I was clear and kinda awake. Never tried it again, because it is fucking expesive. All in all - meh. So in my mind I did a "check" behind ADHD. The medication did work - until I heard one particular voice, repeating and repeating the stuff my mother used to say to me "I wish you were never born. I wish you would have killed yourself, I can't handle you, nobody can" ( I was 11). And with it came the emotional flashback. I hate the term "flashback" btw, because it does not showcase enough how hard it can be and boom lost half a day where I could not figure out what I have done. Faint memories of, well I must have been at work, for sure, but what exactly did happen at work? Was it a good day? Was there something funny? - Nothing.
During all that time I was going to psychologist (weekly) for therapy and, in the same treatmentcenter, psyciatrist (one appointment in a month to monitore the effects of medication). But I did not talk about this in therapy bc I just told myself, well I have my head in the clouds sometime or meh it's an ADHD thing....I was scared shitless none the less.
The stress level and the flashbacks became harder to bear and the medication (I was on it for a year) suddenly did not work anymore, instead of concentration it was bad...really bad memories from the past which I totally forgot. I became so aware of the shit...(cpmlex PTSD and depression).
And the blackouts went further on. Once I came out of therapy, the door did close and I was like wtf did just happen? What was I talking about? For the life of god I could not remember anything, nothing! I just knew I went in there and of course I must have been talking, I just must have had an appointment. I KNEW I HAD. I thought "this is it, now you are totally loosing it". - but did not mention it to my psychologist or psychiatrist, bc I was so scared to tell anyone. That was the time, when I got diagnosed with complex PTSD and Depression.
...and then the biggest part for me...a memory I never ever would have dreamed of....it was sexual abuse...I never, never in my wildest dreams saw that person as a bad pedo. I always would praise that person in front of others, but there they were - memories - and there they were - all those feelings I had to hide, to survive...knocked me out for almost a year. Most of my family is already dead, so there was nobody to hate, blame or hit...or talk to. Just me, alone with the past.
That's when (early 2019) my psychologist told me about dissociation in general. She was kind and cautios, not to scare me away with the diagnosis. She was pointing out symptoms I was experiencing for example: I often would wake up in the morning and could not recognize myself in the mirror and thought how weird I was looking, like the different gender. This was so stressful..being so dissconnected from your own body and gender. I kept looking in the mirror and cried, cried, cried in disstress - that's when they diagnosed me with diss. disorder. Nothing more.
That's where I found Chloes channel and started educating myself on the topic. I was glad that there is someone out there who at least seems normal and living with a diss. disorder. But after a while I found it very "fantastic" you could say. All these backstories...."switching"...and other stuff....I now really question my descision to subscribe to her. But I am gentle to myself...I just did not know better. But I was in educated hands, my doctors. I unsubscribed after a year.
After being in treatment for 3 years now I can tell you this.
I have different mindsets, you can easily name them "mindset 1", "mindset 2", "mindset 3". I don't care about names, these mindsets are all me. In one mindset I feel/behave like a woman, in another I feel/behave like a man and in another I feel/behave like a child and I don't "wake up" anymore and not knowing what just happend. Each of those have their own approch in finding solutions for different problems, but all of these sets are me and it can happen, that I can not recall the morning mindset, just a vague picture of what should have happend. Yes my voice changes (slightly when I am around strangers and a lot, when I feel comfortable). Not forced, more like talking to your italian mum on the phone - first its subtle and then major and distinct different. And yes my body-language, face expression, laughing is distinctly different and yes I most often rub my eyes when I switch, bc it feels like 1.000 ants are dancing on my eyeballs. If it is a hard switch from trauma memory I am telling right now, to mindset 1 (which is very neutral and gets shit done), I get major headaches! My trauma recollection of the past is in mindset 3 is easy to recall, which in mindset 1 is well basically not available (it's the most unaffected by the trauma).
If we would meet in RL, you would never know that I have a diss. disorder, you would never guess...you would never see it, bc I don't want you to. I am studying right now, have a part time job and two dogs. Only my closest and oldest friends picked it up by themselfes, bc I could be and allowed myself to feel free around them playing sports, cooking, playing games etc.. They gave me silly names from a different gender for example, made kindly fun of me and only since 2019 I now can give them an explanation.
That's it. I am done. Do with it, what you want. This is only my story. And if you think I was born a certain gender, think again, are you 100% sure about that.
You can do with my spelling mistakes what you want - keep them, treasure them - english is not my mothertounge.
I wish you all the best, stay healty and safe.
I myself am diagnosed with the following:
ADHD (2017), complex PTSD - depression (201
, diss. disorder (2019).... and I now at the age of 32, at least understand myself to the point where I allow people in my life again. For years I could not wrap my head around my own behavior because there was so much I could not explain. 2017 I said thats it, you are going to a doctor and fucking figure out wtf is going on.
First there was the diagnosis of ADHD. I was sceptic, so I did...well some research on my own. I tried cocaine, since there are some rumors out there that say "if you have ADHD, cocaine will do nothing for you". I tried it with a group of friends at home. I took the first line - nothing. Second - nothing. I was clear and kinda awake. Never tried it again, because it is fucking expesive. All in all - meh. So in my mind I did a "check" behind ADHD. The medication did work - until I heard one particular voice, repeating and repeating the stuff my mother used to say to me "I wish you were never born. I wish you would have killed yourself, I can't handle you, nobody can" ( I was 11). And with it came the emotional flashback. I hate the term "flashback" btw, because it does not showcase enough how hard it can be and boom lost half a day where I could not figure out what I have done. Faint memories of, well I must have been at work, for sure, but what exactly did happen at work? Was it a good day? Was there something funny? - Nothing.
During all that time I was going to psychologist (weekly) for therapy and, in the same treatmentcenter, psyciatrist (one appointment in a month to monitore the effects of medication). But I did not talk about this in therapy bc I just told myself, well I have my head in the clouds sometime or meh it's an ADHD thing....I was scared shitless none the less.
The stress level and the flashbacks became harder to bear and the medication (I was on it for a year) suddenly did not work anymore, instead of concentration it was bad...really bad memories from the past which I totally forgot. I became so aware of the shit...(cpmlex PTSD and depression).
And the blackouts went further on. Once I came out of therapy, the door did close and I was like wtf did just happen? What was I talking about? For the life of god I could not remember anything, nothing! I just knew I went in there and of course I must have been talking, I just must have had an appointment. I KNEW I HAD. I thought "this is it, now you are totally loosing it". - but did not mention it to my psychologist or psychiatrist, bc I was so scared to tell anyone. That was the time, when I got diagnosed with complex PTSD and Depression.
...and then the biggest part for me...a memory I never ever would have dreamed of....it was sexual abuse...I never, never in my wildest dreams saw that person as a bad pedo. I always would praise that person in front of others, but there they were - memories - and there they were - all those feelings I had to hide, to survive...knocked me out for almost a year. Most of my family is already dead, so there was nobody to hate, blame or hit...or talk to. Just me, alone with the past.
That's when (early 2019) my psychologist told me about dissociation in general. She was kind and cautios, not to scare me away with the diagnosis. She was pointing out symptoms I was experiencing for example: I often would wake up in the morning and could not recognize myself in the mirror and thought how weird I was looking, like the different gender. This was so stressful..being so dissconnected from your own body and gender. I kept looking in the mirror and cried, cried, cried in disstress - that's when they diagnosed me with diss. disorder. Nothing more.
That's where I found Chloes channel and started educating myself on the topic. I was glad that there is someone out there who at least seems normal and living with a diss. disorder. But after a while I found it very "fantastic" you could say. All these backstories...."switching"...and other stuff....I now really question my descision to subscribe to her. But I am gentle to myself...I just did not know better. But I was in educated hands, my doctors. I unsubscribed after a year.
After being in treatment for 3 years now I can tell you this.
I have different mindsets, you can easily name them "mindset 1", "mindset 2", "mindset 3". I don't care about names, these mindsets are all me. In one mindset I feel/behave like a woman, in another I feel/behave like a man and in another I feel/behave like a child and I don't "wake up" anymore and not knowing what just happend. Each of those have their own approch in finding solutions for different problems, but all of these sets are me and it can happen, that I can not recall the morning mindset, just a vague picture of what should have happend. Yes my voice changes (slightly when I am around strangers and a lot, when I feel comfortable). Not forced, more like talking to your italian mum on the phone - first its subtle and then major and distinct different. And yes my body-language, face expression, laughing is distinctly different and yes I most often rub my eyes when I switch, bc it feels like 1.000 ants are dancing on my eyeballs. If it is a hard switch from trauma memory I am telling right now, to mindset 1 (which is very neutral and gets shit done), I get major headaches! My trauma recollection of the past is in mindset 3 is easy to recall, which in mindset 1 is well basically not available (it's the most unaffected by the trauma).
If we would meet in RL, you would never know that I have a diss. disorder, you would never guess...you would never see it, bc I don't want you to. I am studying right now, have a part time job and two dogs. Only my closest and oldest friends picked it up by themselfes, bc I could be and allowed myself to feel free around them playing sports, cooking, playing games etc.. They gave me silly names from a different gender for example, made kindly fun of me and only since 2019 I now can give them an explanation.
That's it. I am done. Do with it, what you want. This is only my story. And if you think I was born a certain gender, think again, are you 100% sure about that.
You can do with my spelling mistakes what you want - keep them, treasure them - english is not my mothertounge.
I wish you all the best, stay healty and safe.
