Interpersonal Isssues

ghostpranks

ghostpranks

kiwifarms.net
Joined
Nov 4, 2014
Hi guys, this is my first thread. I've lurked for a long time and I'm on the kiwifarms a lot on my breaks at work and before I go to sleep. I don't know if deep thoughts is the correct place to post this, but feel free to delete this if it doesn't quite fit in with this board. I skimmed the threads and did a half-assed preliminary search for similar threads, but I didn't find any.

To start: I think one of the defining characteristics of a lolcow is their lack of ability to make meaningful connections with others in real life, hence their tendency to over share about their personal lives on the internet.

I think everyone who follows lolcows closely have at least one trait or interest in common with them. I think the reason I am so interested in lolcows is the fact that I always feel like an outsider, even though if you met me in real life you'd probably I was just a regular girl.

I've had my issues. Who hasn't? But on the surface I'm very successful, yet I've never been able to make lasting friendships. I'm smart, generally considered physically attractive (it's subjective, don't get mad at me, I'm not trying to brag), I have a good job, fun personality, but I just don't know how to choose friends or keep them.

I don't know... I want to make new friends but I just don't know how. I'd just like to talk with you guys about any issues you might have relating to others.
 
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When people meet me they either hate my guts or love me. According to one of my friends, the people that hate me are usually idiots. I've been able to forge long lasting friendships by being friendly at first and just hanging out with people. When I meet new people I like to smile big, shake their hands and ask lots of questions. Pretty much every one of my friends play video games and so we bond over that common ground.
I think what best holds together a friendship is having a good foundation. Whether it's a hobby like video games or a religion you're devoted to, if you have that bit of common ground, you'll always have something to fall back on.

I've found that being myself is the best way to act around people. Don't let your fear of judgement prevent you from acting how you normally do. People are going to think stuff regardless, I shouldn't care too much because I can't control it.
I keep my reservations about certain beliefs to myself unless asked for them. I don't treat people differently because they think differently but because of how they act, how they treat me and the other people around them.

The usual issues I have when it comes to interacting with people is when they start asking me about my beliefs and then treat me differently after I've divulged them at their request. I was really enjoying hanging out with about 3 people, then they learned about some of the things I believe in and started ridiculing me. Not in a playful sense either, like in a demeaning way.

TL; DR
Find people that like things you like and are super tolerant.
 
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BellaKazza said:
TL; DR
Find people that like things you like and are super tolerant.
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All of your advice is very accurate for most situations. Thanks! :) Unfortunately my situation is a little weird.

Unfortunately, I live in a part of Florida that is all retirees or families. Anyone my own age moved away for college (I did too, but moved back after health issues), and the people who stayed behind have more of a party lifestyle whereas I work in an office with people who could all be my grandparents. (I'm still the office manager, lol)

My problem is that I find a hard time relating to people because my personality and interests form such a weird combination. I don't have any one interest that takes precedence over any others. I like a little bit of everything. I go through phases.

I seem like a party girl but I'm actually a home body. Everyone assumes I go out to bars a lot but really I just stay home, go on the internet, take classes in whatever I'm interested in at the time, watch movies and make crafts/ hang out with my dog.

I guess I'm just making excuses.

Edit: I also work 45+ hours a week.
 
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Want friends?

Don't follow this fucking book's advice
image.jpg
 
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nad7155 said:
That is the majority of this forum.

Me included.

Most "normal" people don't go on a forum dedicated to mocking failure.

It is what is is.
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True dat. I'm not really an outsider in the traditional sense and I try not to mock... I think I've just really chosen bad friends.

I'd like to think this forum is less about mocking and more about discussing, although it is mostly mocking-discussion. I'm just interested in abnormal psychology. Eccentric people are just really interesting to me. It's a car crash you can't look away from.

It does make you feel better about your own faults, that's for sure.

Oh well, cognitive dissonance and all that. My boyfriend thinks I'm crazy to be interested in crazy people and maybe he's partially right.
 
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I used to be like @Connor in my mid to late teens. Camping in my room playing TF2, doing fuck all with my life and dipping with resentment. I hated high school. I wasn't the easiest to be around because I was really immature. This compounded and meant I had almost no friends bar one person.

I grew up allot and eventually found something to do with my life (photography) and I'm around people i'm grateful to be friends with. I still have Connor-like urges occasionally. I don't think they'll ever leave me.

ghostpranks said:
I think everyone who follows lolcows closely have at least one trait or interest in common with them. I think the reason I am so interested in lolcows is the fact that I always feel like an outsider, even though if you met me in real life you'd probably I was just a regular girl.
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That's why Connor makes me sad. I've been in a similar situation and I know he could be happier if he wanted to be.

@ghostpranks I hope you're doing better btw.
 
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I have a lot of interpersonal issues but I mean, that's more or less a given, given my problems.

My issue is I often find myself 'pretending', as in, I adopt a more socially active and friendly persona when around others, even friends. Half the time I can't tell if people like me or if they like the 'mask' so to speak and on top of that I often find myself reciprocating acts of friendship based on a sense of obligation more so than out of any actual feelings of camaraderie.

It makes me feel like a sociopath but I just find it much easier to keep folks at arm's length via the mask as opposed to letting them get to know the real me. The result is, ultimately, they befriend an illusion and I keep the illusion up because I feel like it'd be wrong of me not to.
 
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@ghostpranks, you've had a lot of good advice here on how to get friends. Let me give you a piece of advice on friends (and relationships in general): they take work. Now, you've heard that before, right? Even the best connections where everything just "clicks" and you don't have to walk on eggshells will eventually take work. The important thing is to not feel like you are the only one doing the work. Everything is give and take. Friendships are mutually beneficial and should never be one sided. Don't fall into the trap of "bad friends" because "no friends" is better.

You and I have a lot in common. Especially when I was 22. I was very successful from age 18+ and in fact I spent my entire life (well, since age 6) preparing myself for the career I knew I wanted. I never had any meaningful friends past middle school and I never went to parties or social events. I typically had one friend at any given time and usually the extent of our companionship was eating and some vidya.

@BellaKazza what you said about people either liking you or hating your guts is what I've found. I've got a pretty powerful (obnoxious) personality and I'm good at what I do. I know I come off as arrogant and it puts some people off. I don't mean it, but it isn't like people can read my mind. I feel for ya. You remind me of another guy I know who is twice our age but had the same problem. He learned how to talk to "the dumb masses" and when he does it he's a whole different person. It's actually pretty funny. (You saying you just ask a lot of questions and smile big and shake hands when you meet people reminds me of his act.)

@Ass Manager 3000 you should totally post some of your photography.
 
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Afinepickle said:
I have a lot of interpersonal issues but I mean, that's more or less a given, given my problems.

My issue is I often find myself 'pretending', as in, I adopt a more socially active and friendly persona when around others, even friends. Half the time I can't tell if people like me or if they like the 'mask' so to speak and on top of that I often find myself reciprocating acts of friendship based on a sense of obligation more so than out of any actual feelings of camaraderie.

It makes me feel like a sociopath but I just find it much easier to keep folks at arm's length via the mask as opposed to letting them get to know the real me. The result is, ultimately, they befriend an illusion and I keep the illusion up because I feel like it'd be wrong of me not to.
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The worst thing you can do to yourself, man. It'll just wear you down over time if you stick to social illusions.
 
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Wolfenmaus said:
Oftentimes, due to either my appearance, or tendency for wordiness, I'm strayed away from. I'm glad to have made friends who can look past that.
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I remember meeting you at first and thought you were some fedora wearing sperg. I stayed away untill I realized how hypocritical it was and decided to actually hang with you.
We both discovered our love for trigun and became the busomest of bros
 
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Ever since I learned what having autism actually means and what it means to those uninformed, I always felt a bit self conscious around others. Learning about Chris Chan only made it worse.

So I find it tough letting myself get close to many people because I kinda fear rejection or people realizing what I am. It's not as nearly as bad now, but during my time in Middle and High School years it was damn near crippling. I was rude and disrespectful towards my teachers and my peers, I found myself crying a lot, I was too self conscious to change into my P.E. Clothes in the locker room with the other boys, and I just generally hated going to school.

When I learned about OPL, my self consciousness became quite a bit higher, but it made it so I could work at improving myself.

I remember back in my senior year there was this girl I liked. But I wasn't really sure how to be myself around her as at the time, I felt I was no different from Chris, so I decided to not be myself and act like a goof ball instead. She responded positively to this, so I kept it up. The only time I felt I was genuinely myself was when I told her I liked her and why. Even then though, we never went beyond friends.

There was also this time I was in an English class in Community College. We had an assignment in which we had to make a phone interview with somebody about certain subjects. I remember being absolutely terrified at this idea as I had a hard time talking to people as it is. I was able to get through it, but I was really nervous the entire time.

Nowadays, I seem to be better at talking to people in general. Hell, I even opened myself up a little and asked a fellow porter for girl advice while we were on down time. I still have some reservations and hurdles I need to get through, but hopefully I can improve enough so I can forge some more meaningful relationships.
 
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For me, it's probably that I've never felt safe, ever. Like my dad was abusive and volatile/ a druggie so I ended up taking care of him rather than the other way round, and mom has always been complacent about it and never understood (shes sort of simple-minded). So I never made the right kinds of relationships with people, and I'm wary of friendships because the shallow ones that I have had all ended abruptly or disastrously. and I've cycled between trying to be friends with everyone at the cost of my personal safety/boundaries, and being practically a hermit. I'm in therapy now to figure it out, but It's difficult. I can never know when people complement me if they're seeing the façade of confidence that I put up, or if they're truly seeing me, only in a way that I can't see myself. And for the people who seem to dislike me, I can never tell if it's my ice-queen façade or true bits of my personality peeking out that repulses them. And I've always been too afraid to ask. It's why I like this forum so much. I can talk (fairly) openly to people without worrying about forming a deep personal connection. I think it's safe to say that that's why a lot of us are here.
 
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nad7155 said:
That feel.

Now, I just try to concentrate on myself.

I am lucky that I have one REAL friend.

I also have a few "casual" friends that I hang out with sometimes, but I would not trust them with anything "real".
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Yeah, it's tough. My one "Real" friend lives over 3 hours away from me so it's easy to talk to him, because we came to an agreement to leave each others emotional baggage alone and we never hang out in person anymore. As for casual friends, I wish I had some, because it gets boring being alone every day. Right now I'm trying to work myself up to the point where I can handle having them.
 
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I have a few friends through I really trust with personal stuff. With them, I really feel like myself. I don't go around telling anyone else every detail. I'm admittedly really self-aware about myself, I keep my autism and my interests to myself. A major part of it is due to fear of rejection so I'm quiet at the most part. Thankfully, I'm getting somewhat social at my healthcare job. I talk more whenever its around lunchtime. I'm also making a effect of going to social events around video games to get out of the house as much as I can. I'm slowly becoming more social and getting over some of my fears.
 
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