Secret Gamer Girl / SecretGamerGrrl / Googleshng / "Violet Hargrave" / Jacob Lawrence (Jake) Alley / Violet Cassandra Ocean - Delusional Zoe Quinn Stalker, Libelous Tweeter, Thirsty Gnome, Faux-Tranny Neckbeard Incel, Micropenis, "Known Troubled Person", Creator of "Massive vs the Masses", Self-Described "Noise Making Thing"; Lives in Niantic, CT

[Next Task]

Wow. Wait until he learns about toaster pockets.

 

[Tragi-Chan]

That's a great way to end up with a soggy pile of sadness and disappointment instead of the comfort food you wanted.

To end up with Jake, basically.

 

[byuu]

>grilled cheese sandwiches soaked in butter with a whole can of tuna mixed with mayonnaise
The perfect diet for a slim girly figure.

 

[Smaug's Smokey Hole]

Start it in a cold pan and crank it to max heat on an electric burner.

Never change, Jake.

Not that anyone was worried you would.

Sandwiches should be placed in a cold frying pan, potatoes and eggs should never be put in a in water that isn't boiling.

Wow. Wait until he learns about toaster pockets.

Or that a sandwich can be placed in even the cheapest waffle iron.

 

[Kosher Dill]

>grilled cheese sandwiches soaked in butter with a whole can of tuna mixed with mayonnaise
The perfect diet for a slim girly figure.

Don't worry, it all goes right to his bust. That's the magic of transformation pills!

 

[Ponderous Pillock]

I'm sorry, I'm still stuck on Jake teaching himself how to boil water & thinking "Eureka! I'm a genius! Do people know about this!? I have to tell everyone!"

I wonder what other wisdom Ms. Alley Ocean will deign to share with us.

"Did you everything in the universe is made up of little particles called atoms?"

"Did you ever realize that a stopped analog clock will actually display the correct time up to twice a day?"

"Did you know that even though we say that the sun 'rises' & 'sets,' it's not actually the sun that's moving, but Earth itself?"

"You may not know this, but the prefix 'mono' means one of something. "

Fuck, imagine the Googleshng we'll get when he finally learns how to tie his shoes!

"Hey, Kiwi farms. Violet here... DID YOU KNOW?"

 

[RussianParasite]

Start it in a cold pan and crank it to max heat on an electric burner.

Never change, Jake.

Not that anyone was worried you would.

Lol he doesn't even boil his grill cheese sandwiches? What an idiot.

Editing to avoid a double post:


Not-journalist Violet is mansplaining how large newspapers should conduct their business. It's a decent sized Googleshneg and not worth archiving but funny nonetheless.

 

[Haramburger]

Sandwiches should be placed in a cold frying pan, potatoes and eggs should never be put in a in water that isn't boiling.



Or that a sandwich can be placed in even the cheapest waffle iron.
View attachment 1240936

bruh, check out these P2W gamer grilled cheeses:

I don't have time to level that tree of cooking, but I'm willing to pay to unlock the rewards

Regarding twitch, Jake is live again, and has given up on updating his stream names. He went fron Everything Vol. 4, to 4.5, back to 4. How do you expect to attract viewers with this no-effort frontend?

 

[GleamingTheQ-Bert]

bruh, check out these P2W gamer grilled cheeses:
View attachment 1242148
I don't have time to level that tree of cooking, but I'm willing to pay to unlock the rewards

Regarding twitch, Jake is live again, and has given up on updating his stream names. He went fron Everything Vol. 4, to 4.5, back to 4. How do you expect to attract viewers with this no-effort frontend?
View attachment 1242155

Is that The Forest?

 

[Haramburger]

Is that The Forest?

probably based on his alphabetic progression, but he's howling with laughter at hacking a female corpse in a crashed plane, skinning her, and putting her clothes on. Probably a great clip to search for once it goes into video mode.

EDIT: Yes, he confirmed the name is The Forest.

 

[ADHD]

Jake should tell us all how to make french toast next.

 

[Water-T]

Jake should tell us all how to make french toast next.

We'll know he succeeded when reports of an apartment fire started by a fat bearded man in New London, CT start springing up.

 

[BOLDYSPICY!]

Autistic cooking with Jake Alley: Part 2- Grilled Cheese Sandwiches

Spoiler: 1257 words

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https://twitter.com/SecretGamerGrrl/status/1251607379730468864 (Archive)

Jake is such a fucking sub-70 IQ tard that it almost makes me angry.

Also, the guy who was heckling him in chat was likely @shutupman , a former user who ate a ban several years ago for being a sped. I think his alt was @anusaurus.

 

[AirdropShitposts]

Not-journalist Violet is mansplaining how large newspapers should conduct their business. It's a decent sized Googleshneg and not worth archiving but funny nonetheless.

One of his followers fed it into threadapp, so here is Jake explaining based on his experience of journalismsing what went wrong in the newspaper industry and how to fix it:

Also, I'm speaking from a place of some experience here. 20 years ago, give or take, in a previous life, I had a decent position at a website which had very successfully adapted to people's desires to read articles on webpages rather than in print.

As it comes up a lot: Every newspaper in the world* is a failed business run by incompetent idiots with no business holding their jobs.

The way newspapers have traditionally made their money, and the way they continue to make their money, is through (*I'm sure there's exceptions) advertising. Ad-funded media has, in no way, ever ceased to be viable. If anything, I have to figure it's only gotten more profitable over the years, because the number of places a given person's eyes could be pointed any given year just keeps rising, and the vast majority of people who sell the rights to stick things in front of those eyes really haven't noticeably had to give over more time to ads to make up for having fewer sets of eyes to sell, and nobody's been suddenly cutting tons of corners due to reduced revenue.

The money has not dried up.

Now, ad supported print media, that's a bit of an endangered species, but that's the medium, not the content, and it's due to a fundemental change in the audience. It used to be people would happily pay for a bunch of magazine subscriptions. And so we're clear, those subscription fees really weren't how those magazines made their money. They made their money through ads, and they negotiated ad contracts based on how many sets of eyes they can promise will be looking at those ads. You paying a dollar a month to have a magazine shipped to you doesn't really matter to the bottom line, but being able to say "hey this many people all agreed to pay a non-zero amount of money to have this shipped to them regularly and can therefore definitely be assumed to read it regularly" is a hell of a lot more appealing to advertisers than making it actually free. People will just take free stuff and basically through it away, that's unreliable.

And this all failed, more or less, because once the internet took off, most people were just inherently more interested in going to a website and reading a bunch of articles than in having them all printed up on glossy paper in a big book, shoved awkwardly into mailboxes once a month. This sucks for people who love nice glossy magazines or love laying them out, but whatever. The same people are still writing the same stuff, and the same people are reading it it's just on a website now and not in print. Which profit wise is great because I'm fairly sure having a decent enough server to just throw text files at a ton of people is significantly cheaper than actually physically printing things and shipping them out, especially since you can expand your audience to people too far away to practically ship to. There IS the slight problem that subscription models don't work nearly as well on the internet though. As a consumer paying a dollar a month to have all the stuff I want to read delivered to my door in a nice printed volume is pretty great. I don't have to go anywhere. On the internet though, I also don't have to go anywhere, and you aren't the only person writing about any of this, so if you paywall me, I can find basically the same articles somewhere that doesn't.

This isn't a real problem though, because you can just directly track website traffic, and thus CAN show advertisers real numbers of how many people are actually bothering to read your thing even if they're getting it for free. And everyone is being forced to adapt in that same way, so there is no reason that shouldn't level out with maybe some minor pricing adjustments (since there are, in fact, people who subscribe to magazines and don't ever read them now disappearing from the numbers and all).

So you can't say the internet killed these businesses, and it really didn't force anyone to deal with new competitors (unless I suppose you're like a small town paper and people are more interested in the major city newspapers, but it's those major city newspapers I'm saying suck, and that's good for them).

The actual problem where newspapers can't make money any more actually just traces back to the point some years back where the people bringing the money in all straight up decided they didn't want to actually do their job anymore at all.

To be clear I'm not talking about the reporters (although everyone turning more and more to inexperienced freelancers for everything doesn't help anyone).

I'm talking about the people who sell and lay out the actual ads that bring the money in.

Also, I'm speaking from a place of some experience here. 20 years ago, give or take, in a previous life, I had a decent position at a website which had very successfully adapted to people's desires to read articles on webpages rather than in print. Everyone else on staff wrote stuff, brought in those sweet sweet unique page views, and the owner of the site shopped those numbers around, found those willing to advertise on the site, and charged them for slots in a simple little hand-coded rotating list of ad banners that appear every time you load a new page on the site. Simple, straight forward, under his control. If he'd been less fancy, he could have sold permanent space per article, done no coding, and just slapped in a jpg too I suppose. Both viable proven models.

After some years of doing this though, he got an offer from a company whose sales pitch was basically: I am going to buy your site, and hundreds of others. I will then immediately hire you on to run it, exactly like you've been running it with all the same staff. I just want to combine the total page views from all these sites into a single package to sell to advertisers, so, if I have 100 sites like yours, we're negotiating with 100 times the views, all running the same ad serving script.

Now, this was a stupid terrible deal with the owner of the site absolutely should not have taken, because you do not just sign ownership of your whole business over to some rando in your e-mail, who will then be your new boss.

I figure a lot of other sites were pushed a similar deal from ad conglomerates like this one where they technically retained control and ownership, but were locked into a contract where any ads they serves were otherwise removed, for an exclusive deal with the big ad server block they pushed.

This is also a stupid and terrible deal, because hey, again, that is the heart of your business and where all your money comes from.

Now, I can only really speak from here on what happened with the specific site I worked for, but I have compared some notes with people over the years, and there's enough of a shared narrative to suggest that basically everyone sold out to an ad conglomerate like this one, if not literally this one, so this is the rule, not the exception.

First of all, even without the control issues, this is just a raw deal for everyone being one of 100 sites some asshole is bundling together to sell to advertisers by offering 100 times the views obviously benefits that asshole because he's taking his cut from a bigger pie, but everyone else just gets their 1% of the rest. That COULD potentially be a better deal if advertisers paid more per view with 100,000 views than they did with 1,000 views, but that's not really standard policy that I'm aware of, and while consolidating all those views into one package COULD give a cunning negotiator the extra leverage to demand a better ratio, this guy cutting all these deals, along with his peers, was just some stupid tech bro asshole with no experience doing anything, and just shopped around for who was making the biggest offers with no attempt at negotiating, and of course, no concern AT ALL for whether any of these ads were a good fit for the sites they were running on, or appropriate, or whether they were just straight up malware. So suddenly, literally overnight, you've got sites focused on like financial news or updates on upcoming Nintendo games serving up full screen animated flash ads for and displaying hardcore pornography, sound plays by default,and installing a truckload of spyware.

And the only recourse any of these sites have against immediately driving away their entire audience is to pull the plug on their ads entirely (in breach of their contracts) and do some very hasty negotiating and legal briefing with the incompetent 20-something trust fund kid they gave their entire business away to.

Oh and of course being a total idiot with no concept of how anything works, the incompetent 20-something in my life for this period of history upon receiving those first payments from the best paying/absolutely shadiest advertisers he could find, rather than responsibly parcel the money out to pay all the people bringing those eyeballs to the table just went "WOW I HAVE MILLIONS OF DOLLARS NOW!" and started throwing big ol' parties with lots of expensive cocaine and prostitutes and then just... straight up did not actually pay anyone.

And today we look back at that period of history and call it "the crash of the dot com bubble."

So. that kinda really sucked for everyone who was effected by it.

What most people did in the aftermath though was, learn a really harsh lesson, rebuild, and return to fully controlling all their own ads. In some cases at severely reduced pay, because those big conglomerates are still out there mismanaging all sorts of money, giving advertisers way more leverage for certain kinds of ad deals. But again, it's still viable. It's still really viable. There's people out there who make their living entirely off ad supported web media, working with big faceless companies and to access it I sit through like, 1 15 second ad per like, 4 hours sometimes?

But then for some reason we've got all these old and storied institutes of journalism over here, clearly still contracting with these horrifically mismanaged ad conglomerates and if you access them without aggressive ad blockers, enjoy your 15 pop-unders installing worms on your hard drive, blaring audio, luring you to porn sites, and using your processor for bitcoin mining. And rather than do the right thing like everyone else did 20 years ago, cut those deals, take whatever financial hit you have to take and start over managing your own ads, we have people paying for ad-blocker-blockers, and setting up pay walls, to try and force people who already rightly stopped reading because of this shit being shoveled in their faces to pay for the privilege of having more of it.

You're incompetent. You're useless.

Step the hell down. Retire. Let someone with the slightest talent or interest in managing your ad revenue step up and take your place. Or don't, and watch your entire paper go under because you or your predecessor set it on fire and refused to put it out. I hope everyone writing for it lands on their feet somewhere else.

It is such an obscene joke to be sitting here in 20/20 watching the world's biggest newspapers sit here holding content hostage and begging people to punch the monkey and win $20. How in the hell did we even get here?

Now if you'll excuse me, I have some more loaves of bread to burn. I'm learning grilled cheese.

 

[Casta Spersions]

Jake should tell us all how to make french toast next.

That's way too complicated. It involves bowls and cracking eggs. I don't even know what a bowl or eggs are so how would he break it down? At least I know what a spatula is now.

Funnily enough, and i think most would agree, his cooking series/tard life skills is quite possibly, nay, certainly the most palatable (lol) things he's ever written. Most googleshngs immediately make my eyes glaze over and I cannot read them. This has major comedic value. Keep educating the world, Jake!

 

[Tragi-Chan]

That's way too complicated. It involves bowls and cracking eggs. I don't even know what a bowl or eggs are so how would he break it down? At least I know what a spatula is now.

Funnily enough, and i think most would agree, his cooking series/tard life skills is quite possibly, nay, certainly the most palatable (lol) things he's ever written. Most googleshngs immediately make my eyes glaze over and I cannot read them. This has major comedic value. Keep educating the world, Jake!

I’m jonesing for the Eye of Argon of cookery books.

 

[Kosher Dill]

But then for some reason we've got all these old and storied institutes of journalism over here, clearly still contracting with these horrifically mismanaged ad conglomerates and if you access them without aggressive ad blockers, enjoy your 15 pop-unders installing worms on your hard drive, blaring audio, luring you to porn sites, and using your processor for bitcoin mining. And rather than do the right thing like everyone else did 20 years ago, cut those deals, take whatever financial hit you have to take and start over managing your own ads, we have people paying for ad-blocker-blockers, and setting up pay walls, to try and force people who already rightly stopped reading because of this shit being shoveled in their faces to pay for the privilege of having more of it.

What the hell is he talking about? What "old and storied institutes of journalism" install malware? Who is "managing their own ads" like it's 1996?

I'm actually familiar with a site that does manage its ads the way Jake thinks it ought to be done. Let's just say it doesn't work very well. If you're not big enough to make a profit on the fractions of pennies Google AdWords would send your way, and you're not a Facebook page or Youtube channel, your options are pretty limited. It's the Wild West out there and it's apparently a full-time job to keep the malware from sneaking through, even on the "reputable" ad providers. Jake's imaginary model where Intel comes and buys a GIF to advertise the Pentium II on your gaming site? That doesn't exist.

Also:

and begging people to punch the monkey and win $20

This is an extremely boomy boomer reference Why does he even still remember that?

 

[AnOminous]

Most googleshngs immediately make my eyes glaze over and I cannot read them. This has major comedic value. Keep educating the world, Jake!

It's that they describe what this mong actually does. He tards around in his kitchen, at a complete loss as to what anything is or what to do with it, like an alien who has never been in a kitchen before, repeatedly burning things trying to figure out the mystery of grilled cheese, and ultimately comes up with the most ass backwards stupid way of doing it but that at least, just barely, manages to brown the bread and melt the cheese without literally setting the house on fire.

Then he writes this up like it's a revelation and he's some sort of expert.

It's funnier than the gender shit because only a small population of weirdoes even know that shit enough to know he's wrong.

Also why did he ever even call himself Googleshng when he apparently doesn't even know how to use it? Google has pages upon pages of videos if you just Google grilled cheese that will show you in two minutes how you do it without whatever the fuck Jake thinks is the way to do it.

 

[Kosher Dill]

Also why did he ever even call himself Googleshng when he apparently doesn't even know how to use it?

He seems to have come up with it before Google really caught on. He'd have been "Altavistashng" if he was going for something like that.

 

[Norvic]

Reading Jake's gnomesplaining the news business is incredible. Anyone who has been even vaguely awake the last decade knows that the cost of advertising placement has fallen off a cliff and that every single print publication plus most online venues are struggling financially because of it. The only way to make money from advertising is to be Google or Facebook.

If I had even half the incredible confidence in my completely unsupported opinions that Jake does, I'd be bursting in to operating theatres and telling surgeons to stand aside while I have a crack at this heart bypass business. How hard can it possibly be?