Hi, my name is Penny and I’m a 16 year old detransitioner. When I was 11 years old, I came out as transgender. My parents were hesitant at first and of course scared for my safety, but overall supportive. I attended a gender clinic to express my issues of gender dysphoria. They asked me the usual questions about if I felt disconnected with my body, my desire to be the opposite sex, and my issues with my period. From the very start , people online told me that if I was uncomfortable with my body, I was probably trans. I am glad I had the support at the time of my doctors because I was in a near constant state of depression and suicidal ideation. However I am not glad that they did no psych evaluation on me to test me for underlying disorders such as body dysmorphia or eating disorders. When I was 13 I was put on hormone blockers, which keep the estrogen from producing. This is what was recommended and it made me happy because I thought I was sure. After this, I gained around 40-50 pounds due to hormone imbalances, making my body issues worse. I only got more depressed and uncomfortable with myself, but I was happy it stopped menstruation. The next year at 14, I got a therapist approved letter to start testosterone, hormone replacement therapy. Although I was pleased at the time with the changes I saw, my mental health still wasn’t improving, and transition was not the easy fix i expected. I insisted that I go through with surgery, a double mastectomy. At this point, I was starting to have doubts but I assured myself it was normal. On August 16th, 2019 I got top surgery at the age of 15, one of the youngest people that clinic had operated on. Very shortly after surgery, my depression got worse. I hated myself just as much as ever, leading me to a psychiatric hospitalization in October 2019. During my hospital stay, I realized my mistake. Transition wasn’t the fix I needed and it couldn’t take away my mental health issues. I had never been tested for any body issues, so we assumed it was gender dysphoria. After changing my name back to a female name and telling my family, I was completely distraught with my surgery. I started to feel better about my identity, being a woman felt much more comfortable. However, I still had giant scars on my chest and a body part gone. I detransitioned around 8 months ago and have been living as a female since then. I have applied to get reconstructive breast surgery that will use fat transplants and implants to create the look my body once had. I have severe discomfort from the way my body looks currently and I just want to fix the mess I got myself into. I never knew that I could be a girl and be myself without being judged. Through detransition, I have found there isn’t just one right way to be a gender, and that it’s okay to be a bit different.
I was diagnosed with autism last summer, and my current doctors have researched the link between autism and gender identity, finding that might have been the cause of my issues. I understand that I am responsible for my choices and that I have to fix it myself. But my doctors didn’t take into account my autism, body issues, or other mental illnesses when allowing me to transition. My therapist agrees that I was too young at the time and that making such a life changing decision has brought challenges to me.
The insurance doesn’t want to pay for an “elective” surgery, so my family will be paying for it out of pocket. I have some money that was meant for college that I will be expending on this surgery, however it won’t be enough. Please consider donating and helping me. It’s so important to me.
